Selfish?

[freerunner75]

Hi.. Please kick me up the behind if needs be. My head is foggy and I'm not sure if I'm thinking clearly or not. I have two children of my own 16 and 14 and am step mum to two children aged 15 and13 .. I have been with their dad for nine years... Unfortunately I don't have a hugely close relationship with either of them for various reasons but not for want of trying (mostly negativity from their mother towards me)... My issue is that I'm not currently in a position to pay to take my two abroad on holiday as I have just gone self employed.. My stepchildren are off abroad tomorrow with their mum. Because my partner won't go on holiday without his two as 1. They are already going away and 2. The cost for six of us.. He said he won't take us abroad either (Us being me and my two). On one hand I can't blame him
As I have to rely on him at the mo to pay for me and mine, but on the other I'm seething because his two are going abroad and getting a nice holiday.. (And again at Christmas) and yet my two are missing out. Am I being really unreasonable being upset about this??
Feel free to kick my butt if so.

Then you ask why dates are ok and book if not you go to court and have an order put in place. Your blame for the mother is unfounded she is able to do so and finically capable to take them away. You are not in this case just because someone else can do something doesn't mean you have to. I never went abroad with my parents we holidayed in the U.K it never did me any harm, my parents just didn't have the means to do so. Where as my DH had been away abroad with his parents plenty as a child.

Maybe when he said holidays included, he saw that as going when he could afford to include his family.

then you ask why dates are ok and book if not you go to court and have an order put in place

No. Op doesn't need to do this at all. Her partner does. But I'd bet my bottom dollar he won't because it seems the current arrangement quite suits him.

Ok so let me be blunt. My oh can afford to take all of us away... He just resents having to do so.., it is made virtually impossible for us to take his when it suits us.., yet she can take them whenever it suits which is usually the only time we could take them. My oh doesn't want to go without his two which I totally understand... I would rather they were with us too as we are a family regardless of the fact they don't live with us full time. I am not wanting to go away and leave my sc behind... I wouldn't ever ask that of my partner that's awful. I simply feel that he is being unreasonable not wanting to go away just the four of us, just because we are unable to include his two.

You have an op problem as I said as it's him not sticking to what you agreed with him.
'When are the kids next here?'
'Lets go away for a long weekend?'
It's him saying no.
You need to sort this or regain financial control over your own children.

And once again sort your maintenance out...

Thank you all for your comments... I take it all on board. I will save up to take them both away as soon as I can and I guess hopefully if my sc are able to come and my oh then great.., that's what I hoped for., but I don't see that happening in honesty. Guess it will be my oh going away on his own, his kids going with their mum and me going away with mine since no middle ground can be determined due to various factors. Thank you all.

Why didn't you say your dp could afford to take you all in the first place? Your intial post you said he shouldn't afford all 6 to go but you expected just four of you to go, which is it? Maybe he resents paying for your dcs upkeep when you could be claiming maintenance especially considering he pays maintenance at a higher rate for his dc.

Underthemoonlight..it was more the moral issue for me rather than him affording to pay which is why I didn't mention that. I support my two financially which is why I can't afford to put money away for a holiday., .. I don't see that as his responsibility. It's just that at the moment, I can't afford luxuries like holidays abroad ..he said he would support me... Holiday was a part of that for all of us, but now his can't come .., it's nothing for the rest of us... If his two weren't going away then I'm sure we could have cobbled together a week in Devon or something ... But he wanted to go abroad but wasn't prepared to shell out for six of us.. Now they are going away with their mum... He doesn't want to pay for four of us to go either... It was six of us or nothing. I just feel that's unfair for my two.

I cannot claim maintenance from my ex. He pays sometimes, sporadically. He went self employed to get off the radar with the csa. I have no idea where he is. We have no contact. My ex was abusive so I am happy he is not in my or my children's lives.

To me the DP sounds a miserable sod, I wouldn't make my step dcshave no holiday because the DCs are off doing something else. They should all have a holiday.
Perhaps you need to rethink your behaviour OP. You are putting a big whack of a small wage into 'the pot', and falling over yourself to be fair to others, it doesn't seem to be being reciprocated.

Miss Babs.. Thank you. I think you are right. X

I think you are looking at it from different perspective. You look at it from the view of going away and the excitement that comes with it. He sees it as sharing special moments with people you love.

I'm with him on this one. Holidays is not just about where you go but who you go with. I am in a fortunate position (although as a result of many sacrifices) to be able to take my kids on amazing holidays. Their dad and SM can't afford such holidays. They have also made choices that restrict them (one of them being having another child).

My kids are lucky, hers are not, however, my kids would love anything more than to go on holiday with them and would be really hurt if they couldn't share this with them. You mention memories, but why should they be deprive of such memories just because I'm lucky to be able to take them away?

If you think that your income might increase soon, could you maybe agree with your OH that he lends you some money so you can take your kids somewhere (maybe not too expensive) on your own and you'll repay him when the business is doing better? Or maybe he won't mind paying if the issue is not the money but going away without his kids.

I am not wanting to go away and leave my sc behind... I wouldn't ever ask that of my partner that's awful. I simply feel that he is being unreasonable not wanting to go away just the four of us, just because we are unable to include his two.
I'm confused by this. You are saying that it would be awful to go away without them, but then you say you want him to want to go away just for the 4 of you. Isn't that leaving the sc behind?

Maybe another way to look at it is whether you'd be happy to leave your elder child with their dad whilst you go away with your sc and your youngest child because your eldest got to go on a school trip some weeks before.

Swingofthings... What I mean is that his do can't come with us for two reasons... I would love them to be able to, but since they can't (not my choice).. And they are going away anyway... Why should that mean that the rest of us can't go?! Of course it is about making memories, but he to the circumstances explained and restrictions we face... My two are missing out on memories too. I'm happy to save up just to take my two... But I would rather we all went as a family.. Albeit the six of us, or the four of us. But it looks like the only solution is for me to take them away on my own to save being called selfish for wanting my two to have family holidays too.

But I would rather we all went as a family..
And he would rather be able to go on holiday with his children do but can't because of you going self-employed.

The reality is that he can't have what he would rather have and neither can you, so compromises need to be found. You taking your kids on your own seem the most reasonable one as it means that he doesn't feel guilty and you can still build the memories with your children.

By the way, I take my kids away with my husband every year. I would rather go with him too, but it is also nice to be able to give my children my full attention. It's our time and it is precious. They are teenagers now, and our next one might be the last with DD so I am making the most of it, and indeed, building amazing memories. OH will have plenty of time to go on amazing holidays together when they have moved away.

Swing - I think (regarding the bit you're confused about) what the OP means is that she's not trying to orchestrate a holiday without her dscs, but that this year they couldn't come with them anyway due to their mum's actions & in light of that she doesn't see why her two should go without, but that ideally she would like her dscs to come too.
I get where she's coming from as my Dps ex is very similar in that she makes nothing easy & while she facilitates my dscs spending time with their dad - she does not facilitate them spending time with me or my dcs.
To be honest I think the real issue here is that the OP went self employed based on a short term financial understanding with her Dp; the goal posts of which he now seems to be shifting & controlling & that's very unfair.
It seems to me that the bigger picture is that by joint agreement OP decided to change how she works; Dp said he'd take up the slack; OP is now financially vulnerable & Dp is controlling what the money gets spent on. That's a large breach of trust in a nine year relationship & his actions are making OP & her dcs look like second class citizens (imo)! Again I stress this is a well established relationship & family unit.

I too was going to suggest borrowing from him but I'm not sure she should have to as he said he'd help her out & she took this at face value.
To all those saying it's not the exw's fault she can afford to take them on holidays - I got the impression from OP's original post that her Dp pays a lot of maintenance (as he should if he can afford it); that being the case it would definitely be helping the exw take the dcs away twice a year & so he is contributing towards their holidays already & at source - he's just not the one bringing them!

Cross posted OP!

Op its hard but i see where your husband is coming from. In sure his kids would love to go on holiday with dad and they cant do that. Yes they are lucky their mum is taking them away but what if it was your kids dad taking yours away would you take just step kids away ? Its hard to be a blended family but you cant really not include step kids just because their mum can afford to take them. Could you not go camping or cheap caravan holiday with your kids i know its not abroad but would still be a little trip away. I think the pressure to go abroad is growing and alot of people want big abroad holidays every year , my friend is on her own and all her teenagers friends are going abroad shes taking them to caravan as its what she can afford but i do understand if all teens friends are going away they want to aswell. They might be a bit disappointed but im sure they be ok with it. Would your husband think about giving you some money for you and them to do some big days out for you and your kids and ask them to choose ?

I was going to suggest this last night. It's an excellent point about the maintenance Magda

Now we don't know for sure so it's pure speculation, but if maintenance is large (not saying that's wrong), it could be what enables her to afford such holidays. Of course that's up to the mother but I can understand OP feeling jealous of that

The key thing here is that OPs DH has taken on her children as his own too. I don't think it would hurt to help her a bit financially to at least take them alone on this one occasion. As others have said they are an established family

It seems to me that the bigger picture is that by joint agreement OP decided to change how she works; Dp said he'd take up the slack; OP is now financially vulnerable & Dp is controlling what the money gets spent on
We don't really know though. There is a difference between him saying 'yes, fantastic idea, don't worry, I'll make it all up so we can keep the same lifestyle' and 'mmm, it's not ideal, it's going to be tight, but I understand that's what you want to do so will support you, however, we won't be able to afford the same luxuries'.

It's not as if HE is taking his own children and saying tough to OP, he is himself sacrificing a holiday so doesn't seem so unfair.

Also, I'm not clear as to the comment about the fact that it is mum's fault because of her choice of dates taking her kids. Surely there are 6 weeks during the summer holiday, and costs remain vastly the same during this period so if she takes them away for 2 of these, it still left 4 to suggest if money wasn't an issue.

Magda72. Thank you... You get it. That's it in a nutshell.

Swingofthings yes there are six weeks.. However we were only given particular dates within that time (very limited and not possible due to our own commitments such as exam results etc) and they kept changing so it was impossible to book anything anyway.. Plus there is the cost which as you say doesn't really fluctuate over the summer break but which essentially for six of us been a small mortgage.

My oh is self employed and does very well, he does support his kids financially very well also which I absolutely admire him for... And yes I'm sure that does allow his ex to take his dc away on two luxury holidays a year, so yes I am a tad jealous of that because I would like to take mine on just one.., but can't because of reasons stated previously: I don't expect my oh to fund my lifestyle, I have bent over backwards to try and meet him halfway whenever I could and part of me going self employed is that my earnings are not capped so I aim to earn more so that I can give more and pay for my two to go away on holidays.. But as a family (which does include his two).., if they are unable to come with us why should we not be able to go?! I hate the thought of going without them.. For my partners sake and for theirs as they are missing out on that special time awY with their dad..., but it's been made nigh on impossible for us to go away with them... And as a result my two miss out. That's unfair.

I think this is an OH issue- you pay the same amount of him towards bills but he earns 3 times more than you....WHAT?? This does not sound like a family set up.
Sounds like he is using the fact his kids can't go due to game-playing it seems (and how is he fighting that exactly? He should be desperate to take them and going to court for that ability to take them away) and he is using that as an excuse to not spend more money than he would have done last year on a holiday.
Just awful. I feel for you OP

Thanks bosabosa.. That's a point.. He is not fighting it because he is happy that his two are having a lovely holiday away with their mum so in his eyes there is nothing to fight..😔