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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Selfish?

143 replies

freerunner75 · 14/08/2017 18:33

Hi.. Please kick me up the behind if needs be. My head is foggy and I'm not sure if I'm thinking clearly or not. I have two children of my own 16 and 14 and am step mum to two children aged 15 and13 .. I have been with their dad for nine years... Unfortunately I don't have a hugely close relationship with either of them for various reasons but not for want of trying (mostly negativity from their mother towards me)... My issue is that I'm not currently in a position to pay to take my two abroad on holiday as I have just gone self employed.. My stepchildren are off abroad tomorrow with their mum. Because my partner won't go on holiday without his two as 1. They are already going away and 2. The cost for six of us.. He said he won't take us abroad either (Us being me and my two). On one hand I can't blame him
As I have to rely on him at the mo to pay for me and mine, but on the other I'm seething because his two are going abroad and getting a nice holiday.. (And again at Christmas) and yet my two are missing out. Am I being really unreasonable being upset about this??
Feel free to kick my butt if so. Confused

OP posts:
Neverknowing · 14/08/2017 18:36

I don't think you are being U. His kids are getting a holiday and yours aren't getting one at all. I see where he's coming from but think it's a bit mean tbh!

Original poster
freerunner75 · 14/08/2017 18:42

Thank you.. he makes me feel like I'm really ungrateful wanting us all to go away.. I just want to make memories before they all grow up. Would love for his two to be with us to.. But their mum has already made plans (we are only allowed certain dates to be able to take them... Which restricts us even more.)
Thanks for your reply X

OP posts:
HelloSquirrels · 14/08/2017 18:46

No I don't think you're being selfish. I think your dh is being selfish not taking you, depriving you and your children of a holiday because his children can't have a second holiday. Makes no sense imo and I would be tempted when you can afford it to take your kids away on your own.

Original poster
freerunner75 · 14/08/2017 18:52

Thank you hello squirrels.. I think that's my only option..have apologised to my two and explained that I will try and sort something for them when I can.. I'm just a bit disappointed that I can't do it for them both... Blended family seems to have so many complications or perhaps it's just mine. X

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 14/08/2017 19:01

I disagree with the other posters. Your expecting your dp fund you and your dc to take you away on holiday and not his own dc. Just because they are going away with their dm doesn't mean they miss out on he opportunity to go away with their father. They should be able to have that experience and not have see your dc go away with their father. It's not their fault their parents aren't together. My DS had two holidays this year one with me and his siblings and dh and one abroad with his DF SM and sibling, his father would never exclude him from their family holiday and holiday in accordance to their budget and who is in their family unit, DS doesn't miss out because of circumstances. I'm really thankful after reading posts like this that DS DF dispite his faults considers DS very much part of his family's unit and would never exclude him in this way, just like I wouldn't take my dc and go away without my DS when he's at his fathers.

HelloSquirrels · 14/08/2017 19:06

So his kids can't miss out because it's not their fault their parents aren't together but it's totally fine that ops children miss out even though it's not their fault their parents aren't together either?

Neverknowing · 14/08/2017 19:11

I feel like he should be treating his and your children the same. He should be sad his children get a holiday and yours don't. That's why I think that he should help. It's sad for you op Sad definitely take them when you can afford to!

Original poster
freerunner75 · 14/08/2017 19:12

Under the moonlight... I don't necessarily disagree with what your saying.. Of course I don't want him missing out on a holiday with his children... I would love them to come with us.. But his ex makes that very difficult and as a result we all (myself, my two and him) don't get to go away. In nine years together we have been away with his two once abroad.. To Florida which was incredible..and once with mine.. But his two get to go away twice a year with their mum .. She gets extremely good maintenance which I'm sure helps!! And now makes me sound even more selfish and jealous... Which I am not.. Just put out. But why should my two dip out?? As hello squirrel said.. Perhaps i just need to save up and take my two away on my own.. But that to me defeats the whole object of being a family in my book.

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 14/08/2017 19:16

Maintenance has nothing to do with holidays. If he wants more time inregards to taking them why hasn't he applied to the courts? Why can't you holiday on your own with them and he go away seperately?

Everytimeref · 14/08/2017 19:18

As you would need your DP to pay I don't think it's unreasonable for him to say no not unless his children come too. If you were able to pay your share then it wouldn't be unreasonable to go without his children.

I went to USA with my DD and DP without the SC. I paid for myself and my DD. DP paid for himself. Neither my DP or myself felt guilty as the SC have at least one holiday abroad a year and always have whereas my DD went for years without any holidays.

Piratesandpants · 14/08/2017 19:18

When you decided to go self-employed surely you considered the implications and discussed it with your partner???

Peachyking000 · 14/08/2017 19:20

I think it's your responsibility to make sure your own DC get a holiday, without expecting your partner to pay for it. If I were you, I'd save up and take them away myself, and leave the ball in his court whether he wants to come or not. If the DSC's mum can afford to take them on holiday, you shouldn't really resent them for this.

Mama234 · 14/08/2017 19:20

No I don't think u are being unreasonable at all

stitchglitched · 14/08/2017 19:25

Your DSC are going away with their mother. Making things 'equal' for your kids would be them going away with their mother. If you can't currently afford it that is fair enough, many people can't afford holidays. But I'm not sure why it is your partner's responsibility to fund it. He cannot control what goes on at his ex's house but he can make sure that he treats the children in his household equally. And if for him that means not taking some on holiday without the others, then that is his choice.

lunar1 · 14/08/2017 19:31

How is maintenance related?

I think it would be nice if he could put something towards you going away with your children but if he can't afford for everyone to go it's best that he doesn't. How would he see it as a family holiday without his children?

Underthemoonlight · 14/08/2017 19:34

I agree it's your responsibility to fund a holiday for your dc just like your dc dm does. Do they go away with their DF? I conmend him for being fair towards his dc they should have equal opportunity to holiday with both sets of parents.

CosmicPineapple · 14/08/2017 19:34

I can see why you are upset but you are asking him to pay for a holiday for you and your children but not his own. Thats not right.
I am sorry that finacially you are not in a position to pay for your own children but asking him to fund a family holiday without including his own family is unfair.

Maybe you should both start saving so that next year you can afford to go alltogether.

HelloSquirrels · 14/08/2017 19:42

But I'm not sure why it is your partner's responsibility to fund it. He cannot control what goes on at his ex's house but he can make sure thathetreats the children in his household equally. And if for him that means not taking some on holiday without the others, then that is his choice

I don't get this mentality at all. Does he only pay for the electric and water he uses? Does he only pay for the petrol that he uses? Does he only buy groceries for himself?

If you're a family everything should go in a shared pot. We will be booking a holiday for next year and I won't be asking dp to fork out for his ds. It all comes out the same pot.

When you're actually abroad does he only pay for his own kids entry to theme parks and only their ice creams etc?

I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.

Magda72 · 14/08/2017 19:43

Em - this couple have been together NINE years! - they are a well established family!
It sounds like OP would just like her PARTNER to help out this once while she establishes herself work wise. To that end he is being remarkably unreasonable saying no to her, bearing in mind that his own kids (if coming) would be getting three holidays this year! After 9 years he should be able to help out the woman & kids he lives with & be able to explain the situation to his own dc who are old enough to understand.
OP if I were you I'd take others advice & work towards bringing your two away yourself. Personally I'd be evil and aim for Christmas when his own kids are also way & see how he likes being left home alone! Angry

lunar1 · 14/08/2017 19:50

No age is old enough for a child to see their dad taking someone else's children on holiday but not them and genuinely be ok with it.

Underthemoonlight · 14/08/2017 19:51

Em - this couple have been together NINE years! - they are a well established family!

If that's the case his dc would be included in the holiday plans as they should be considered equal to he household regards if they are fortunate that their dm takes them away they should be able to have the opportunity to be involved in family holidays with their father.

stitchglitched · 14/08/2017 19:54

HelloSquirrels- you don't get the mentality of wanting to treat all the kids equally in your household regardless of what goes on in their other homes? Why?

Underthemoonlight · 14/08/2017 19:55

If you're a family everything should go in a shared pot. We will be booking a holiday for next year and I won't be asking dp to fork out for his ds. It all comes out the same pot

That's the point though your dp DS isn't been excluded but op is expecting her dc to be paid for and not include her dps dc aswell who are part of the family but worse to expect her dp to completely fund the holiday not add money into one pot, how is that remotely fair?

stitchglitched · 14/08/2017 19:58

'I won't be asking dp to fork out for his ds'

What if he wanted you to solely pay for his ds, and not include your own children? That is more akin to what the OP is expecting.

Underthemoonlight · 14/08/2017 20:02

Have you posted before op because this seems very similar to a previous thread about not wanting to take step children's away but your own children because they are fortunate to go away with their dm who receives a hefty maintenance cheque?