Selfish?

[freerunner75]

Hi.. Please kick me up the behind if needs be. My head is foggy and I'm not sure if I'm thinking clearly or not. I have two children of my own 16 and 14 and am step mum to two children aged 15 and13 .. I have been with their dad for nine years... Unfortunately I don't have a hugely close relationship with either of them for various reasons but not for want of trying (mostly negativity from their mother towards me)... My issue is that I'm not currently in a position to pay to take my two abroad on holiday as I have just gone self employed.. My stepchildren are off abroad tomorrow with their mum. Because my partner won't go on holiday without his two as 1. They are already going away and 2. The cost for six of us.. He said he won't take us abroad either (Us being me and my two). On one hand I can't blame him
As I have to rely on him at the mo to pay for me and mine, but on the other I'm seething because his two are going abroad and getting a nice holiday.. (And again at Christmas) and yet my two are missing out. Am I being really unreasonable being upset about this??
Feel free to kick my butt if so.

Thank you for all your comments.. I do take both sides on board. I did take into consideration my financial situation when going self employed.. I would have been a fool not to.. But my oh did say he would support me. My hand was forced in the decision due to ill health. I can still earn whilst working from home, but was not being paid whilst being off sick from my employer. We pay jointly towards all bills even though his income is 3x higher than mine., I do not expect him to find my lifestyle or holidays etc.. I always try to contribute and pay for my sc when they come albeit food/treats or clothes.. The reason I mentioned maintenance is that it is relevant. It's for the children yes I totally agree.. But it is a lot a month and whether it goes towards the mortgage/heating/electric/clothes/good or holidays... Either way the children benefit which is absolutely right. I am slightly bitter if I'm totally honest as my two don't see their real dad and he rarely pays me any maintenance.. So I am fully financially supportive for both of them -except for at the moment when I am struggling a little to get on my feet with my business. My partner said he would fully support me.. And as his long term partner I don't think it's wrong of me to expect that?! I would do it for him, and indeed did when he was off work for six months following an accident. That to me, is what family is about. I wish we could take his two away with us, but their are constant barriers with dates we are allowed etc... And it makes it nigh on impossible. And whilst i do feel for him, I also want my two not to dip out.., tell me.., in a 'normal' family would the father or the 'family pot' not fund the family holiday?? So why should my situation be any different? That's what is bugging me tbh X

Under the moonlight .. No I haven't posted about this before.. My first post about this matter and because I wanted a variety of opinions as I wasn't sure if I was being incredibly out of order for feeling upset with my oh. I appreciate your feedback

You made a decision to go self employed your dp said he would support you which he has, that's doesn't mean to take your dc away and not his own. Sometimes you have to cut your cloth accordingly and this is one of those situation. You come across as very bitter towards his ex his maintenance payments is nothing to do with your current situation.

Get on to the cms and get your maintenance sorted. It's not optional.

Your problem is your perspective. You see your family as four of you and for him it includes six people.

you don't get the mentality of wanting to treat all the kids equally in your household regardless of what goes on in their other homes? Why

It's not equal though is it? Ops kids aren't going anywhere. Her dps kids are going away twice and would be going three times if op and dp were taking them. In what world is that fair?

Under - The OP repeatedly stated that they would happily take his dc too on any holiday but ex does not facilitate this. You may encourage the relationship between your dcs & their dad & sm but many exw's don't.
And Lunar - that's just ridiculous & again feeds into all sorts of entitled behaviours.* * Young kids might not understand but older ones should. As long as holidays/access gets spread out evenly & all kids are kept in the loop then everyone should be able to handle the dynamics. That's like saying my sister should never take my daughter on girls trip as it would offend her sons!

What if he wanted you to solely pay for his ds, and not include your own children? That is more akin to what the OP is expecting

I wouldn't be with someone who wanted to do things that way and if I was I would be taking my dc away myself and not paying a penny towards his and not expecting a penny towards mine. But seriously in a 9 year relationship could you be arsed?

Can I just clarify... I am not expecting my oh to pay for me and my two and not his own.. Not at all. The fact is that to take all six of us is beyond achievable... And as I can't currently chip in, it's unattainable. However his two are getting a holiday abroad which is fab.., but because we can't afford to take all four kids and we couldn't accommodate the dates we were given by his ex.., And because I can't currently chip in... My two.. Who he has taken on as his also... Don't get to go away at all... Whilst his dc are lucky enough to have a good mum who is able to take them. I feel completely responsible for not being able to afford to pay for mine... But I just feel that as we are a family that shouldn't be the end story for my children... I'm not meaning to sound greedy or selfish... But ultimately that is why I originally posted. To obtain opinion on whether that is exactly how I am coming across..

Squirrels ops step children's mothers pays to take them away for it to be fair would be if op paid to take her own dc away which is not the case here. Op expects her dp to fund her dc at the expense of his own biological children, how is that remotely fair? It's a complete seperate issue that their dm is capable of taking them away.

It is equal in their household. He can't control what the ex does. In a blended family things aren't always going to be equal because of the different households involved but they can be equal within the same family unit.

in a 'normal' family would the father or the 'family pot' not fund the family holiday?? So why should my situation be any different? That's what is bugging me tbh

Yes of course they would. But even though you must include your step kids 100% for some reason the same is not expected from your dp regarding your kids.

I just find it a bit petty. Well if I can't take my kids your kids aren't going. Why? Why spite the other kids because your ex wife is unreasonable? I would understand if his kids weren't doing anywhere.

I wonder how ops kids feel when dps kids come round and tell them all about their excellent holiday. It's unfair.

Lunar 1... My family definitely consists of six people. I adore my sc. I am bitter I will admit that because of my oh ex's decisions, my two end up missing out because my oh feels guilty. I do get that... I totally get it. But how would you feel?? I'm happy for my sc to have a lovely break with their mum but all I ask is for mine not to have to miss out because of that? I don't see how that is wrong..

Abit of perspective op. My DS went abroad this year. Sometimes we haven't be able to afford a holiday and certainly not able to go abroad for a couple of years for being a sahm. My EX and his DW both work and have just had a baby. They were able to afford to go abroad on holiday and going away next year taking DS.

My DH would never suggest just taking the younger two abroad because we could afford it because DS is already going abroad anyway with his DF . We are a family unit and that includes DS, he is part of making memories. It may mean we don't get to go abroad for afew years and DS does with his DF but that's the way the cookie crumbles and in life you've got to accept you can't always do what to do.

Hello squirrel... Thank you. That nails my point. I have spoken with my two and they understand and take it all on board when my sc come back saying all about their hols... I expect human nature would allow them to be slightly jealous of course.. But there is no blame for my sc having a lovely holiday why shouldn't they?? It's disappointing that for various reasons we don't all get to go away... But I'm fairly powerless to that... Thank you for getting it.

Your kids aren't missing out because your stepkids are going away with their Mum, they are missing out because you have made decisions that mean you aren't currently in a position to afford to take your kids away. That is nothing to do with his ex.

What happens in the children's other home isn't any different from their friends telling them about their holidays. It's not up to your partner to make up for the way their dad behaves, it's also not up to him to leave his children out and pay for yours to even the score.

He is saying he can't afford a family holiday, which to him would include his own children. What would be unfair would be for him to take just his kids away, but he's not doing that either.

I'm not meaning to sound greedy or selfish..

You dont but you do sound envious.
Your DP is supporting you. He is paying the bulk of running the home so is finacially responsible for you and your children. What he is rightly refusing to do is pay for a family holiday that does not include HIS family.

Its shit that your ex does not pay but that is not dhs fault or the fault of his children.
Start saving now so that all of you can go on holiday next year.

Underthemoonlight... Thanks.. I do get that. My biggest issue is that my time with my kids wanting to go away with us is getting limited as my son is seventeen this year... It has not been such an issue before as we have either been away to Devon all of us or gone without.. But this year was important specifically and its the reasons I have stated for not being able to go that have upset me. It's not my children's fault... It's mine. I just wanted some support from my partner. His two go away twice a year every year with their mum all over the world... I just wanted a week away somewhere to make memories... Preferably with all of us, but that never happens... So then just ours.. (My dc) as that is our only other option other than not. My oh has decided not and I'm powerless to change it right now. I will save up and take them on my own later in the year, I'm just sad that that's the only option because it should be a family thing with preferably my sc... But if not then just us.

Cosmic pineapple.. I don't deny I am envious. I would love to be able to take my kids away twice a year somewhere lovely. But because I pay into the family house I don't have that spare money to be able to do that... Hence going self employed so I can hopefully work harder to put some extra money away. I don't expect my oh to have to pay for my kids in place of their tak father but surely a family is exactly that?? You all pay into a pot??? I pay exactly the same as he pays in even though my salary is 3/4 less than his?!

I guess I am expecting too much:. I have no idea how single parents are able to take
when I can't even do it in a relationship... I know it's not the be all and end all.. But it was just a niggle I felt. Thanks for all your comments X

All your comments- your sound like a helpless pawn in your own life. If the seventeenth year was so important why go self employed? Why not save? Why not set up your maintenance properly? Why not just take them?

It's not the ex's fault. If she is obstructive you could have sorted access. He chooses to pay a decent amount for his children. She chooses how to spend it. I always take my children away.... my ex has a caravan with his partner. He prioritises other things over holidays. I value travel.

You don't like it change it. And good luck with 17 being the last year to 'make memories'. Most kids will go away into their twenties if they are getting a freebie trust me.

And from your last comment your problem is with your partner.

Stitchglitched... It's great that my sc mum can do that for them. Am I bad for wanting to do the same for my own?? The difficulty is the restrictions I have being put in place which are partly her doing.. Coupled with my inability to find it all right now yes. I'm not blaming her for my situation.., I'm just asking is it fair that my two dip out because of circumstances. To be fair, even if I could afford to take them we still wouldn't be able to take my sc as the dates would never be suitable with his ex... And my oh wouldn't want to go without them as it wouldn't be fair. And if I took mine on my own then what,? Not exactly conducive to a healthy family is it,? But that's exactly what I'll do is save up to take mine and if my sc are able to come later on then great.

Wannabe stress free ... Ha that made me laugh thanks. The whole point of going self employed was that my partner said he would support... Holidays etc included.. Stupidly I took that as verbatim.

I am a single parent and I have never taken DC abroad because I cannot afford to. Its crap but thats just the way it is. My DC are younger than yours and understand that I cannot afford to. The accept it OP.

My DC know I work hard to give them a good life but holidays abroad are just too much. I doubt they will be damaged by it.

You need to get your priorities straight OP.
For DP he has 2 children that you want him to leave behind in favour of your 2 do you honestly think what you are ask8ng of him is fair?