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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Should dsd (19) have keys to our house?

183 replies

brownmouse · 29/04/2017 13:50

Dsd had a blazing row with DH a couple of months ago after he cleaned her room. Since then she's been living with friends.

She has been in the house a few times to collect things but never texts or let's us know she is coming.

We've had to change our front door and have a new lock. DH wants dsd to have a new set of keys but I really don't like her coming into the house without letting us know.

AIBU? I suppose he is right but she refuses to text or let us know she is coming to get stuff. It makes me uncomfy. :-(

OP posts:

hellsbells99 · 29/04/2017 13:52

Both my DDs live elsewhere and have keys to our house. If it was your DD , would she be given a key?

flibberdy · 29/04/2017 13:53

I know you didn't ask but... YABU. It's her home too.... right?

ZilphasHatpin · 29/04/2017 13:53

It makes me uncomfy

Why? What do you think she is doing when you aren't there?

Original poster

brownmouse · 29/04/2017 13:54

My dc always text to let me know they are coming. It's the feeling of not knowing or sometimes when I come back from work she has been in to avoid seeing her dad. I don't like it.

OP posts:

Ratatatouille · 29/04/2017 13:54

Why does it make you uncomfortable? I suspect your feelings would be entirely different if she were your DD. I feel very sorry for her. She will be very aware of your feelings.

ToadsforJustice · 29/04/2017 13:55

No. I wouldn't give her a set of keys. I assume she is an adult. It's not her home anymore. She has moved out. By the way, your DH was out of order cleaning her room.

ZilphasHatpin · 29/04/2017 13:55

Before she moved out she would have been there when you and DH weren't there wouldn't she?

Original poster

brownmouse · 29/04/2017 13:56

I think it makes me uncomfy because I have been burgled before and it gives me the same sort of feeling. It creeps me out.

Honestly if she would text if would be fine. If we have a lie in I'm on edge expecting the door to open!

OP posts:

Ratatatouille · 29/04/2017 13:56

Hang on, you actually do expect your own DC to call ahead? Sorry but that's nuts. I'd be so upset if my mum had this rule in place. Especially when I was so young.

Original poster

brownmouse · 29/04/2017 13:56

Toads: see other thread on room cleaning. The whole house was smelling from her mess. It got too much.

OP posts:

Original poster

brownmouse · 29/04/2017 13:57

I just ask my dc to text. They don't mind. I think it's just polite.

OP posts:

ZilphasHatpin · 29/04/2017 13:59

But her being in the house is nothing like being burgled by strangers. She would have been there alone before she moved out right?

Floralnomad · 29/04/2017 14:00

If she is still not talking to her dad I can't see why she needs keys to your house but I do think the calling in advance thing is a bit mad .

TheGoodEnoughWife · 29/04/2017 14:04

Considering she has moved out (am assuming she has?) then no I wouldn't give her a key. Along with anyone else who actually didn't live there.

Original poster

brownmouse · 29/04/2017 14:04

I don't make the most them call if they are popping round when I'm not expecting them. I just ask for a text.

On the weekends that they are with their dad I might not get up until midday and I hate them walking in when I'm still in bed etc! It's not very relaxing hearing the front door open when you are half asleep!

OP posts:

Ratatatouille · 29/04/2017 14:05

Wow. I mean yes I suppose some people don't like unexpected guests and they would think it polite to call ahead but your children aren't guests! Don't you consider it to be their home too? Do you get freaked out if your DH goes home when you're not there during the day? How is this any different? It's just another member of the household accessing the home.

Your DSD hasn't really left home has she? She had a row with her dad and has stropped off to stay with some friends. You should be wanting the two of them to make up, not thinking "oh goody, let's take this opportunity to get rid of her properly". That's just horrible.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2017 14:05

If she's living with friends then she no longer lives with her dad and OP and it's not actually her home is it.

Is she planning to move back in or has she gone elsewhere for good?

Either way, unless she can be trusted to let you know when she plans to pop in, it takes a second to send a polite text or pick up the phone, then no way should she be given a key.

People who live there full time, sure, antagonistic occasional visitors who are trying to avoid the people who live there and only show up to take things away? Nope.

Original poster

brownmouse · 29/04/2017 14:05

(Hey will also pop round with friends etc and I think it's polite to text first)

OP posts:

flibberdy · 29/04/2017 14:05

Get a chain for the door for when you're having a lie in etc. Nothing wrong with that.

ZilphasHatpin · 29/04/2017 14:06

It's not very relaxing hearing the front door open when you are half asleep!

Surely that would happen even if they were at home? They shouldn't have to check with you whether they (adults?) can come and go incase you're having a nap!

Trills · 29/04/2017 14:07

I can see both side of this.

It's a weird feeling to go out and come home and find that things have moved, when there's no reason that they should have.

I have a key to my parents house but (past the point when I was living there) I would never go into their house when they weren't there without their knowledge.

She should have a key, but she should also use it in a respectful manner, and given her past behaviour maybe she needs to earn this.

Original poster

brownmouse · 29/04/2017 14:10

I am quite a creature of routine and it Ian disconcerting when any dc turn up without any warning. Especially when we are expecting a weekend of quiet. I don't mind but expect them to let me know.

OP posts:

MissMillament · 29/04/2017 14:10

YABU for the word uncomfy alone. But seriously, I have a 19 year old DC who no longer lives at home. No way would I even consider taking their key away. It is still the family home and they are family. I think you need to address your own issues around being uncomfortable with your DSD rather than deprive her of free access to her family home if you want to maintain a decent relationship with her for the future.

PitilessYank · 29/04/2017 14:12

I would definitely give her keys. My four children will always have keys to my home, no matter where they or I live. It gives them the message that they are welcome, and as long as I and their father are alive, they will always have a home with us.

CassandraAusten · 29/04/2017 14:12

I agree that her own key plus a chain for the door would seem like a good solution.

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