Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Should dsd (19) have keys to our house?

183 replies

brownmouse · 29/04/2017 13:50

Dsd had a blazing row with DH a couple of months ago after he cleaned her room. Since then she's been living with friends.

She has been in the house a few times to collect things but never texts or let's us know she is coming.

We've had to change our front door and have a new lock. DH wants dsd to have a new set of keys but I really don't like her coming into the house without letting us know.

AIBU? I suppose he is right but she refuses to text or let us know she is coming to get stuff. It makes me uncomfy. :-(

OP posts:
ChickenVindaloo2 · 29/04/2017 14:58

If she's living with friends then she no longer lives with her dad and OP and it's not actually her home is it.

I moved out of my parents about 12 years ago. I still have a key which I used when they are not there or don't hear the doorbell.

I still consider it my home in many ways. I'm pretty sure my parents still consider it my "real home"!

BurningViolin · 29/04/2017 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 29/04/2017 14:59

I would definitely give her keys. My four children will always have keys to my home, no matter where they or I live. It gives them the message that they are welcome, and as long as I and their father are alive, they will always have a home with us

This

Gwenhwyfar · 29/04/2017 14:59

"If she's living with friends then she no longer lives with her dad and OP and it's not actually her home is it. "

Really? My parents' home is still my home. My mum's parents' home was her home until they moved out of the house she grew up in, although she would still have been welcome in that house. My dad's mum's home was his home until his mum went into a 'home' in the nursing sense. Most people want their children to always feel at home in the family home.

Gogglerox · 29/04/2017 15:00

Ok with the regards to the knocking thing/ text she's popping round I totally agree with... let's be honest here, lie-in could actually be dad and SM shagging on the sofa or having fun in bed as they didn't expect anyone to just come into their marital home unannounced!
My mum and dad were always active shudder and I kind of realised that in my teens so if I was unexpectedly popping home at a time before I said I was I would knock the door, then unlock and loudly shout "I'm home everyone!"
Blush just in case.
I think the chain is a good idea - my 12 yr old SD just pops by when she wants so if we're planning any state of undress whether it be romantic time or me having a bath I'll pop the chain on. It buys me 2 mins to compose myself before letting her in... before the chain we had a horrendously embarrassing moment when she caught dad and I in a clinch 🙈

ChickenVindaloo2 · 29/04/2017 15:03

Do people who have keys to their parents houses really not let three know they are coming or knock on the door?

I ring the doorbell but I don't always let them know I'm coming in advance. They are always delighted to see me so it's a nice surprise for them! (Honestly! My dad in particular is well chuffed!)

Chewbecca · 29/04/2017 15:04

My DSS(29) has a key to our house, it was once his home and he's always welcome. He does ring the doorbell first though but if we're not in he'll then use the key to cone in & do whatever it is he came for.

I do the same with my parents.

It is handy having multiple sets of keys around the town.

Gwenhwyfar · 29/04/2017 15:04

"Why do people not living there need a key?

It's not as if they'll be visiting when you're not there!"

It's good practice to let a friend or relative or neighbour have a spare key in case there's a problem when you're on holiday, you lock yourself out, etc. My brothers still go 'home' to their parents to pick up post that still gets delivered there. My grandad used to water my uncle's plants when he was away. I have a spare key with a friend and the landlord also has one. It wouldn't be good to lock myself out having just one key and have to pay a locksmith for a new set.

I've considered keeping a spare key at work, but if I lose my handbag I'd probably lose my work keys as well.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 29/04/2017 15:05

My parents have keys to my flat. They would probably let me know in advance if they were coming round and they would ring the doorbell. But I wouldn't mind if they didn't give me notice. They know they will find me in PJs/dirty flat on occasion. Indeed, I sometimes come home to find fresh soup in the fridge. That's fine by me.

Gogglerox · 29/04/2017 15:07

ChickenVindaloo2 that's exactly why I think it's a good idea to knock first haha!
Imagine Dad having a key to 19 yr old SDs flat and just letting himself in unannounced if she her a bf there! Oh lord!

ChickenVindaloo2 · 29/04/2017 15:10

I can say with absolute certainty that my parents would have heart attacks if they walked in on me using my vibrator having a shag. Hence why they ring the doorbell first.

BertrandRussell · 29/04/2017 15:15

"I personally like to know when to expect the house to myself, and when I can expect to be in company."

In an ideal world so do I. But not if it means my child being locked out of their home.

MaisyPops · 29/04/2017 15:17

I have a key for my parents and in laws.
Always call or text before going round.

Fine to have a key. Not ok to just turn up in someone's house.

BurningViolin · 29/04/2017 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 29/04/2017 15:27

"Fine to have a key. Not ok to just turn up in someone's house."

I think that that sums it up tbh.

Having a key to a place where you no longer live doesn't mean that you can just turn up.

If you need to collect stuff & they won't be there then you would still let them know wouldn't you?

Aderyn2016 · 29/04/2017 15:38

She had a strop and moved out. Of course you don't have to give her a key - she doesnt live there and she doesnt need one!
Key thing with step children, I think, is to treat them the way you would your own, which is what you are doing.
It's your home and if it makes you uncomfortable to have people walk in unannounced, then you have every right to ensure they don't do so.
People underestimate the long term effects being burgled can have on a person.

FlossymooToo · 29/04/2017 15:43

People underestimate the affect that being ostrasized by your parent has on a child even a grown up child.

BertrandRussell · 29/04/2017 15:44

But she's 19....

Oh yes, I forgot this wierd Mumsnet thing where once your child is 18 they are an adult and on their own.

BaggyCheeks · 29/04/2017 15:47

Ostracised? I think if the lack of a house key is enough to wreck the parent-child relationship then there's bigger issues at play than whether they can have free access to the house or not. If you don't live there, you don't need a key.

BertrandRussell · 29/04/2017 15:49

If said child has never had a key, perhaps not. But you have and if your parents change the locks and refuse to give you a key, then it might be a bit upsetting-to put it mildly.

Original poster
brownmouse · 29/04/2017 15:51

To be fair Bertrand, she hasn't asked as she still isn't speaking to her dad and ignores texts etc.

OP posts:
Friday999 · 29/04/2017 15:57

If you don't live somewhere, you don't need a key.

However on Planet Step Family, this seems to get wrapped up in some sort of emotional/symbolic bullsh*t

Gogglerox · 29/04/2017 16:02

Friday999 I totally agree... it seems SC even as adults must always be put first, above every other child in the family and must be totally traumatised by their parents splitting up even if it was before they were born and therefore we must excuse all bad behaviour and never say a negative word Grin

FlossyMooToo · 29/04/2017 16:05

I dont think its bullshit.
I think a little more thought is needed in step families. The smallest thing can make a child feel rejected and that is amplified when it is a split family situation.

I moved out of my parents at 17 over a boundary argument (idiot teenager). I went home after 2 months and that was possible because my parents never "locked me out".
I went home again at 37 after the breakdown of my marriage. My parents ensure home is always home.

Aderyn2016 · 29/04/2017 16:06

She hasnt been ostracised ffs. No one has said she isn't welcome - she is the one eho had a strop and stormed off. OP just wants a text first and for no one (her dc included) to just walk in.
But she is a step mum, so god forbid she expects to be in charge in her own home!

Swipe left for the next trending thread