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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should dsd (19) have keys to our house?

183 replies

brownmouse · 29/04/2017 13:50

Dsd had a blazing row with DH a couple of months ago after he cleaned her room. Since then she's been living with friends.

She has been in the house a few times to collect things but never texts or let's us know she is coming.

We've had to change our front door and have a new lock. DH wants dsd to have a new set of keys but I really don't like her coming into the house without letting us know.

AIBU? I suppose he is right but she refuses to text or let us know she is coming to get stuff. It makes me uncomfy. :-(

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 30/04/2017 09:59

Friday - I've seen friends go through it and it was horrible for them. They didn't get any 'reverence'. If they fell out with one parent they were told to go and live with the other etc. They'd go to the other's for a bit until the same thing happened and then one of them brought a step-mother in and the step-mother wouldn't allow the half-sister in the home.
I've heard of children who never have what they need with them, problems with homework not being done because the book is at the other home, etc.

I so, so feel sorry for the children of divorce.

user1486334704 · 30/04/2017 10:22

Having two homes depends on the circumstances AND the attitudes of both parents involved.

My SC live a long distance away. They visit once a month for two nights. When they are here they are made to feel welcome and have their own space but in no way is it 'their home' and nor to they feel it is! How could it? Their home is with their mother where they LIVE not visit.

Obviously the 'home' label applies for those who have shared custody.

Friday999 · 30/04/2017 10:26

I don't think SC really have two homes, unless it's a 50/50 (or thereabouts) arrangements - they usually live with mum and visit dad, as User has just said.

And having to treat someone who stays in your home on a fractional basis the same way (or better .....) than a 'full time resident' is unrealistic

user1486334704 · 30/04/2017 10:26

Example of 'entitlement' - when SC visitation is minimal/infrequent and they 'expect/demand' their own room (permenantly theirs) to the detriment of the rest of the household for the 90% of the time they aren't there...

Own space - dedicated guest room each whilst they stay over - of course (if house size dictates)

But a bedroom covered in glitter or Star Wars to sit empty 90% of the time so they have 'two homes?' No. Entitled behaviour and setting them on the wrong path in life imho

user1486334704 · 30/04/2017 10:26

Friday - agreed

Gogglerox · 30/04/2017 10:33

This ^ user is so right

Friday999 · 30/04/2017 10:35

Another example of entitlement: DSS visits EOW, and normal domestic life grounds to a halt for the duration of his stay, but on the odd occasion when something 'normal' just has to happen, i.e. emergency Saturday morning vet appointment, DSS expects to be compensated with a gift (FIFA/Grand Theft Auto?) and some fathers really make a rod for their own backs ......

Gogglerox · 30/04/2017 10:35

I posted a while back about my SD12 trying to insist she has her own room when it made logical sense for her to share with her sister so my own DD could have a bedroom of her own (only bedroom as no contact with her dad, SDs have own separate bedrooms at mum's) and I was vilified for not bending over backwards to put eldest SD's needs above that own child who lives here full time and to upset younger SD who wants to share with her own sister
It's insane on MN at times

Friday999 · 30/04/2017 10:37

I think I remember that thread Gogglerox

Friday999 · 30/04/2017 10:41

I generally blame the Disney Dads in these situations, and of course this leaves a step mum to deal with the consequences because, of course, dad wouldn't dare rock the boat!

Gogglerox · 30/04/2017 10:41

Yep and apparently we were out of order for not just magically making a 5th bedroom appear!
SCs seemingly have to always have to be put first in the family, above your own kids and relationship, and according to some posters they're allowed to behave how they wish because "they've suffered".
A generation of entitled snowflakes are being produced.

Gogglerox · 30/04/2017 10:42

I feel like we've gone off on a tangent from the OP. Maybe we should start another thread to vent our frustrations lol

Friday999 · 30/04/2017 10:43

I'd love a fifth bedroom - if you ever work out how to make one appear, please let me know!

Friday999 · 30/04/2017 10:44

Yes, sorry OP, we've gone off-topic. But I think you're totally right not to give her a key

RebelRogue · 30/04/2017 10:56

DSD moved out in a huff.
When she had keys she used them coming at times her dad was not home to avoid him.
She won't speak to her father at all.

Those of you who have keys to your parents house and can't imagine any other way, did you behave like that? No? Well that's why you have keys and she doesn't.

user1486334704 · 30/04/2017 11:03

Gogglerox - off topic but feel your angst and it is all part of the house scenario key scenario etc

My husband's children cried (they are teenagers) when they learned our baby (who funnily enough the clue being in the title lives with us all the time) has the 'room with the best view'. They each have a lovely big guest room when they visit.

Entitled much?!? And fuelled by their mother last time I checked kids don't give a toss about 'views' 😂😂😂😂

BadToTheBone · 30/04/2017 11:13

My 18 yo dsd moved in with us a while ago but spends most of her time staying with a friend, she has keys to our house, don't see any reason for her not to, I trust her. I also have keys to my m&ds house and I haven't lived with them for 32 years.

PitilessYank · 30/04/2017 20:01

I had keys to my parents' house up until they died, and I would call ahead, and knock when I arrived.

However, I only started doing that when I had firmly established my own household. Your DSD is still very young. Give her some time; but do make sure that she had keys to her father's house!

MysweetAudrina · 30/04/2017 20:09

I have 2 sds 22, 20 and a ds 24. They all have keys to the house. They mostly knock when they know someone is in. They don't need to give notice ever. They are all welcome whenever.

Sdaddyx2 · 01/05/2017 08:32

I think the problem here is the OP doesn't see the SD as a member of the family, more like an outsider and why would you give an outsider, who doesn't live with you, a key? the comment about burglary says it all i think

I am a grown man who moved out many years ago with my own house, I still have a key to my parents house

workingmumsarebad · 01/05/2017 09:27

user, magda - the true hatred of the presence of step children in the life of the step parent is coming out.

Sense of entitlement - may be for some, but the vast majority not.

Absolutely, not my DCS fault they spent so little time at their DFs - his darling new DP, their SM - made it virtually impossible for them to visit. They shared the smallest room - no problem - they liked it. When new DC arrived despite their being another room next to the parents - they were kicked out of the small room and placed in the loft with all the boxes! Could not keep their small room, which was incidentally full of all the laundry etc, because the resident DCS, also needed a play room.

Remind me what part of entitlement they felt!

I still have a key to my parents and my Ex in laws!!!!!!

OP -does not like DSD and wants her gone -!

user1486334704 · 01/05/2017 09:29

Think the difference is between the SC being part of the 'household' rather than the 'family' - I regard my SC as part of my family but by virtue of the fact they stay at our home on a very minimal basis they are not part of the household and therefore wouldn't have a key - same as I wouldn't necessarily give another 'family member' a key to our house

FlossyMooToo · 01/05/2017 09:33

In this case the DSD lived there so was part of the household. I am not sure if she has moved out or is temporarely staying elsehere due to a fall out.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 03/05/2017 02:29

If the deeds/mortgage are not in her name and she has no 'tenancy contract' with you....then having her own set of keys to the house is a privilege - not a right.
If she behaves like a child then obviously she is not mature enough to be trusted with the keys.

At what age do you stop letting yourself in?
Lots of us look after spare keys for our parents, but we drew the boundary to respect their privacy at some point.

noitsnotme · 04/05/2017 21:05

"On the weekends that they are with their dad I might not get up until midday and I hate them walking in when I'm still in bed etc! It's not very relaxing hearing the front door open when you are half asleep!"

Where do they live the majority of the time? Do they not live with you? Sorry, if I've misunderstood, but to say they are their dads on weekends, I assumed that meant they live with you the rest of the time? In which case why would they text at all?

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