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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should dsd (19) have keys to our house?

183 replies

brownmouse · 29/04/2017 13:50

Dsd had a blazing row with DH a couple of months ago after he cleaned her room. Since then she's been living with friends.

She has been in the house a few times to collect things but never texts or let's us know she is coming.

We've had to change our front door and have a new lock. DH wants dsd to have a new set of keys but I really don't like her coming into the house without letting us know.

AIBU? I suppose he is right but she refuses to text or let us know she is coming to get stuff. It makes me uncomfy. :-(

OP posts:
sarahmum27 · 29/04/2017 14:28

Call her first i mean

diddl · 29/04/2017 14:29

No I wouldn't-it's no longer her home & she didn't appreciate it when it was!

Why do people not living there need a key?

It's not as if they'll be visiting when you're not there!

Original poster
brownmouse · 29/04/2017 14:30

Yes we hadn't to change the locks due to builder issues that I won't go into.

No we don't trust her due to past issues. And the not texting and coming in without letting us know shows me that hasn't changed.

No dc have to 'ask permission'. We just ask them to give us ten minutes notice or knock on the door.

OP posts:
user1493453415 · 29/04/2017 14:30

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

However, it would really depend on what in her room caused such an argument. If your DH found drugs or drugs paraphernalia, there's no way she'd be having the keys in my mind.

If it was something else then I would give her a set of keys but make it clear she needs to be courteous and let you know if she is coming around as she no longer lives there anymore.

If she choses to live there again then of course she can have keys, with the general guidance of letting you know if she's going to be out for the whole night etc.

Original poster
brownmouse · 29/04/2017 14:30

(Don't trust the builder either)

OP posts:
freemanbatch · 29/04/2017 14:31

I have keys to my parents house, I have had since I was 11 but I haven't let myself in unannounced since I left home at 18 because it stopped being my house then. No one has keys for my house but me and I would hate people coming in my house without me knowing so I don't do it to other people.

The question OP really is whether it's one rule for your kids and another for your DSD because that is a bit unreasonable and instead of not giving her a key her dad should be teaching her the rules of having a key. I.e. That she lets you know if she's coming.

BertrandRussell · 29/04/2017 14:31

"It's no longer her home"

Well, where is her home then?

Pleasedontbelikeme · 29/04/2017 14:32

I have keys to my parents home and always have since I moved out. I moved out at 18 and I'm 47 now. I don't call ahead when I go to see my parents, but I do know their habits and won't go if I suspect they are likely to be having a nap. I also have two adult sons from my first marriage, both of whom have keys to my house and I don't expect them to let me know if they are planning to visit. If DH (their stepfather) complained he would be given extremely short shrift. They are family. As is your DSD, whether or not she's moved out.

cosmonautkitten · 29/04/2017 14:33

OP, I don't think YABU at all! I am 21 and I would never show up at either of my parents' houses without warning, let alone just let myself in... I'd consider it to be honestly quite rude. I don't live with either of them and I'd be horrified if they let themselves into my house without asking and I found them in the kitchen making a cup of tea Hmm

I still feel very at home when I stay with either of them (DM's house is my childhood home, DF's is a new build I chose all the fixtures and fittings for) but despite having a key for each house... they aren't MY houses, despite my good relationship with both of my parents!

Your DSD is the one who's chosen to move out, so she should be able to see that her relationship with the house is naturally different. As the locks have already been changed, you'll surely need to see her in person to give her the new key? Explain to her how you feel (and mention that it applies to your own DC too) and make advance warning a condition of giving her a new key. Good luck!

ZilphasHatpin · 29/04/2017 14:35

I know she will also come in when we are away overnight which I really dislike.

When she lived at your house Did you make her leave if you and DH went away for the night?

hoddtastic · 29/04/2017 14:39

i feel sorry for the kid. I'd be interested to see how you'd react if your DP banned your kids from the house.

Poor kid.

I haven't lived in my parents house/my family home for 26years. I still have keys, they have keys to mine too and let themselves in and out and vice versa.

BurningViolin · 29/04/2017 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 29/04/2017 14:41

I am finding this thread incredibly sad. My home will always be my children's home if they need it.

MrsBobtonTrent · 29/04/2017 14:41

We have similar-ish situation with a relative who has a key and lets herself in at night, in the day time, early morning etc. I found it difficult to sleep not knowing if she was going to turn up and start bumbling around the house. We were having sex while DC were at school once and she just wandered in. I now leave the key in the door at night or if busy - the door can't be unlocked from outside that way and she has to knock or ring the bell. It feels less confrontational that way. If we are away, I bolt the front door and exit through the back door, which she doesn't have a key too.

But I get why you might want a minute's notice that someone was coming in, just to properly relax in your own home.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/04/2017 14:42

mmmmm I think the fundamental issue is trust then, and I'm not sure she has earned your trust?

Parker231 · 29/04/2017 14:44

I've never heard of DC's needing to text to say they are calling in. My DT's are now at Uni - they may move on and not live in the family home again but it will always be there for them, day or night. They have a key (and have done so since they were about 11) and know that we will be pleased to see them any time. They don't need to let us know when they are coming - it's a pleasant surprise to hear the front door open and one of them appears.

Nanny0gg · 29/04/2017 14:47

My DC left home a long time ago. They have keys to my house which they wouldn't use if I was in. Then they knock and open the door (rarely locked). i generally know that they are coming.

I have keys to theirs so that I can go in if I'm asked to and so they have a spare somewhere.

Her father shouldn't have cleaned her room unless she was there (he had every right if it was a health hazard)

AndNowItIsSeven · 29/04/2017 14:47

How odd op , did you object to your dc and sdc presence when they were children?

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/04/2017 14:47

I let my parents know if I am popping round and I never let myself in, its not my home!

If she has moved out in a strop then its no longer her home and she doesnt need keys.

BeyondThePage · 29/04/2017 14:49

those who don't want a text obviously don't tend to have spontaneous sex in the living room etc.

"oh hang on darling I'll just have to go make sure the chain is on the door first just in case the kids come home"

bit of a passion killer when they have all moved out and you are getting used to doing what you want, when you want - IN YOUR OWN HOME

Nanny0gg · 29/04/2017 14:50

Oh and I still had keys to my father's home (where I grew up) even though he'd remarried. I would never have used it unexpectedly though.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 29/04/2017 14:53

If she's living with friends then she no longer lives with her dad and OP and it's not actually her home is it.
*
It is her home till the day she dies*

derxa · 29/04/2017 14:56

Very sad

BaggyCheeks · 29/04/2017 14:57

No way would I turn up to my parent's home without texting first - I've never been turned away, but there's been plenty of times when they've said that they're out and won't be back for a few hours. I have my own home and they theirs - it's not a slight against me or my parents to be fine with that. It wasn't a case of "so long and thanks for all the fish" when I moved out.

VerySadInside · 29/04/2017 14:58

I have keys to my parents and turn up whenever. Doesn't matter if they are there or not.

Does your DH have to let you know if he's popped in when you are out?

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