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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Should dsd (19) have keys to our house?

183 replies

brownmouse · 29/04/2017 13:50

Dsd had a blazing row with DH a couple of months ago after he cleaned her room. Since then she's been living with friends.

She has been in the house a few times to collect things but never texts or let's us know she is coming.

We've had to change our front door and have a new lock. DH wants dsd to have a new set of keys but I really don't like her coming into the house without letting us know.

AIBU? I suppose he is right but she refuses to text or let us know she is coming to get stuff. It makes me uncomfy. :-(

OP posts:

lifesjoys · 29/04/2017 14:14

Op you are being massively unreasonable.

My mums house is her husbands too, I have a key & I come & go as I please with no prior warning (I don't live here).

If my step dad decided to tell me to give Warning, my mum would tell him where to go.

Your DH should be telling you where to go if you won't give his DD a key, how would you feel if your DH questioned whether to give YOUR DC a key??

Badcat666 · 29/04/2017 14:15

Strange but when I was living with my parents the only ppl who had keys to the house were the ones living there. If she has moved out and no longer living there then she shouldn't have a key. And my siblings always called first to see if was ok to pop over as my parents had lives too.

I completely agree with you OP. No longer living there means no longer having keys to the family home. It's not a drop in centre where she can pop in whenever she feels like it. She should be grown up to realise that and these days it's easy to send a text and only takes a couple of seconds to send one.

nuttyknitter · 29/04/2017 14:16

How sad for your DSD. We moved to a new house a couple of years ago and immediately gave our grown up DCs (all in their thirties) new keys. I love that they still feel comfortable just dropping in. It's no longer the family home they grew up in but I'd feel sad if they didn't feel at home there.

hoddtastic · 29/04/2017 14:17

only on mumsnet do people make this type of a fuss about visitors coming round.

give her a key, saying her having been in the house reminds you of when you were burgled is awful.

FlossymooToo · 29/04/2017 14:18

I am 40 and have keys to my parents home as do my siblings. We dont treat it lime a drop in.
She aalready feels like she has been forced from her home (not saying you have done this) i suppose locking ger out will give the impression she can never go back. Very sad. Unless of course thats what the aim is?

llhj · 29/04/2017 14:18

She doesn't live there. Why the need for a key? I don't have a key to my parents' house. You're the owner presumably so say no.

MegsMog · 29/04/2017 14:20

I have a dear friend whose step mother refused him keys to her (and his father's) home. He's in his thirties and still deeply upset by it. Please don't do that to your DSD (though I can understand how frustrated her behaviour must make you feel).

Anditstartsagain · 29/04/2017 14:20

Shes an adult who no longer lives in your home she doesnt need a key. I can see asking for the key back being crap but you've new locks. I don't have keys for my parents or PIL why would I.

I also txt ahead to say i'm coming I expect people to do the same for me. You could be having wild sex and the door opens!!

Original poster

brownmouse · 29/04/2017 14:21

I have the keys to my parents home but would never drop in without letting them know! I think it's so rude! They'd have a heart attack!

OP posts:

lifesjoys · 29/04/2017 14:21

My mums house is my drop in centre, I will simply drop in as and when I feel like it. I would never expect to be asked to text in advance neither would I be expected to be turned away!

I'm 27 with my own child btw, I expect my son to be the same when he moves out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2017 14:21

I don't have a key to my parents houses and they don't have a key to mine.

The idea that this is somehow symbolic of the level of trust or closeness of my relationships with them is absurd.

When my dad was on holiday they gave me a key so I could water the plants and sort the post. On the last day I was there I left the key there.

OP, ignore the daft hysteria. You have a right to feel comfortable in your home that no one is randomly letting themselves in, whether you're there or not. People are getting overly stressy and defensive because she's your step daughter. It's totally irrelevant.

If she was living there she'd obviously have a key. She's not.

If she's not planning to come back then your DH and she should have a sensible adult chat about what's happening with any stuff she has left there.

You say she's going round when she thinks DH is out so she can avoid him. That's ridiculous. She's an adult. She can't have it both ways.

KatyBerry · 29/04/2017 14:21

This reads more like you get embarrassed about being caught wallowing in bed at random times of the day and therefore think your step daughter shouldn't get a key to her dad's house. Are you "uncomfy" because she raises eyebrows at your napping habits?

Original poster

brownmouse · 29/04/2017 14:22

I know she will also come in when we are away overnight which I really dislike.

OP posts:

sadandanxious · 29/04/2017 14:22

I have a key to my parents and I haven't lived there for coming up to 10 years. I do let them know I'm coming round but that's only because I live an hour away from them and want to check they'll actually be there. When I lived 10 minutes up the road I just popped in as I felt like.
I think you're being a tad unreasonable. I have depression and anxiety, I like my own space especially when I feel particularly down / anxious. I also have a DSD who's currently only 5 but I can't imagine ever restricting her ability to pop in and she will most certainly have a key when she's old enough regardless of where she calls her full time home. She will always be able to call our house home too.

Original poster

brownmouse · 29/04/2017 14:23

Do people who have keys to their parents houses really not let three know they are coming or knock on the door?

OP posts:

KatyBerry · 29/04/2017 14:25

You should be very pleased to have someone checking in when you're away, get her to water the plants while she's there

jannier · 29/04/2017 14:25

Ratatatouille Sat 29-Apr-17 14:05:07

Wow. I mean yes I suppose some people don't like unexpected guests and they would think it polite to call ahead but your children aren't guests! Don't you consider it to be their home too? Do you get freaked out if your DH goes home when you're not there during the day? How is this any different? It's just another member of the household accessing the home.

Your DSD hasn't really left home has she? She had a row with her dad and has stropped off to stay with some friends. You should be wanting the two of them to make up, not thinking "oh goody, let's take this opportunity to get rid of her properly". That's just horrible.

Totally agree an argument got out of hand and needs sorting to put up the barriers by not giving her a key is to escalate the argument to a permanent rift. Someone needs to be building bridges and having a conversation not using a new lock as an excuse to make it a permanent thing. She's only 19 with a lot to learn.

sarahmum27 · 29/04/2017 14:25

She's only 19, I can imagine she's the one feeling uncomfortable about the thought that she's no longer allowed into her dads house which was once her home, without expressed permission first.

I get the idea that it wasn't just a one of argument. That you both found it difficult to live with one another, and the invasion of privacy in her room after it was cleaned, pushed her of the edge, and that's why at 19 years old she's now living with friends.

You could do some serious damage in her life by making her feel unwelcome and unwanted at only 19.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/04/2017 14:26

There's backstory here. You don't trust her. I think that is the underlying issue (?).

FWIW I had keys to the parental home when I was living there. I gave them back when I moved out. I never, ever turned up unannounced (I phoned, in the days before mobiles). I only got given keys again when one parent died and there was a spare set and a potential need to enter in an emergency.

I didn't feel slighted.

FlossymooToo · 29/04/2017 14:26

I know she will also come in when we are away overnight which I really dislike.

You really didnt like her living there at all did you OP?
I think your insistance at her not having a key is to ensure she never comes back to live there. Why not just be honest and say that?

PaperdollCartoon · 29/04/2017 14:27

I moved out 10 years ago and have a key to parents house, so does DP, and my brother and his DP, who also don't live there. I would drop round without notice anytime and pop in when no one else is there. I am very close to my mum though. The thought that people wouldn't want their kids dropping in at any age makes me sad.

BertrandRussell · 29/04/2017 14:27

"Get a chain for the door for when you're having a lie in etc. Nothing wrong with that."

To keep your child out??????

KatyBerry · 29/04/2017 14:28

Did you really have to change the locks or has it been done specifically to deny her access?

sarahmum27 · 29/04/2017 14:28

I have a key to my mums house and I'm welcome any time, I do calm her first though to check she's home and she isn't busy.
Most people still live with their parents at 19.

FlossymooToo · 29/04/2017 14:28

I think you have got it in one Katy

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