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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should dsd (19) have keys to our house?

183 replies

brownmouse · 29/04/2017 13:50

Dsd had a blazing row with DH a couple of months ago after he cleaned her room. Since then she's been living with friends.

She has been in the house a few times to collect things but never texts or let's us know she is coming.

We've had to change our front door and have a new lock. DH wants dsd to have a new set of keys but I really don't like her coming into the house without letting us know.

AIBU? I suppose he is right but she refuses to text or let us know she is coming to get stuff. It makes me uncomfy. :-(

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 29/04/2017 17:00

"Personally I would hate to have the chain on the door for privacy when having sex/taking a bath etc as some people have said their system is"

If you rent your landlord usually has the key and, while by law they have to give you 24 hours notice if not an emergency, they always COULD walk in. That's why I always lock the door from inside or leave the key in the lock, depending on the place.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/04/2017 17:04

YABVvU it sounds like you don't want her there. Does not sound like your very welcoming at all.

FlossyMooToo · 29/04/2017 17:05

Tbh all posts aside the OP sounds happy the DSD has gone and wants to shut the door so to speak.

What does dad think?

Brokenbiscuit · 29/04/2017 17:10

I am finding this thread incredibly sad. My home will always be my children's home if they need it.

Same here. I feel sorry for the dsd.Sad

Hulababy · 29/04/2017 17:14

I love my parents dearly and feel I am pretty close to them. However, as an adult with my own family, I do not have keys for their home and haven't done for many years, not since finishing university and moving out to set up my own home. They moved home not long after and I have never lived at their home. I don't need a key and don't live close enough to be the one holding in a key incase of being locked out, etc.

I would never just turn up at someone's house without calling first - what if they aren't in? Maybe it is different if you live 5 minutes away, but 50/60 minutes isn't just driving me and popping in on the off chance.

I certainly wouldn't let myself in when y parents weren't at home unless it was pre arranged with them beforehand and they knew I was going to. Nothing negative about the relationship, but it would just feel odd.

I would expect Dd to have a key to our house when she was still living there though, even if PtTsuch as when she goes off to university. And would expect her to use it and treat the family home as her own home too. I would, however, still expect a text or call if she was heading home I think though - so we would know to expect her, and/or one to say she had been in and no one was home (so I would know it was her who might have moved something and not a break in!) - but to me that is just normal. I wouldn't mind her just turning up without calling, but wouldn't want her to make a visit on the off chance and have a potentially wasted visit.

Joanna0685 · 29/04/2017 17:18

Just ask her to knock or ring the doorbell as she is opening the door if you are worried about being seen naked etc

Magda72 · 29/04/2017 18:11

@brownmouse,
My ds (20, away at uni) has house keys & I always ask him to let me know when he's visiting, esp if my other dc are with their dad. It's not unreasonable at all. When my kids are with their dad it's me time & it can be very disconcerting if you're in the shower or similar & hear someone unexpectedly downstairs!!! My other ds (15) also has keys & I've asked him not to use them without texting me, again if he's supposed to be at his dads) as again, if I'm having my once in a fortnight lie in & I hear movement downstairs etc. in can be alarming. He also has a habit of leaving the back door unlocked.
I view requesting a txt as similar to me knocking on their bedroom doors.
When my own mother was still alive I'd never dream of letting myself in to her house without advanced notice - she could have been in the bath, on the loo - anything!
Give her keys by all means but so ask her to txt in advance (if she doesn't move back in) if she's planning to call.

Aroundtheworldandback · 29/04/2017 18:39

A lot of posters asked the op if it were her own dd, would she feel the same about her having a key? This is not her dd; why pretend that she should feel as though she was?

The dsd absolutely knows op isn't her mother and therefore won't feel as though she is- and although her dad is obviously her parent, dsd is aware that he is sharing his home with someone who isn't, so if a text is too much trouble to send well that's too bad I guess

BertrandRussell · 29/04/2017 19:43

"A lot of posters asked the op if it were her own dd, would she feel the same about her having a key? This is not her dd; why pretend that she should feel as though she was?"

Because she is her dp's dd.

If you take on someone with children, you take on the children too.

angryladyboobs · 29/04/2017 20:33

Really odd.

I have keys to my parents house and they have keys to mine.

NoSquirrels · 29/04/2017 20:49

This thread is so contrary to e we other PIL thread where they have a key & let themselves in - then the entire thread is saying "get the key back/change the locks".

I think your SD is 19 - adult - and moved out. So shouldn't be keeping any stuff in your house to need access to.

I have a key to my DPs, and to my MILs. As they have to mine. But those keys are for emergency access, pet feeding on holiday, plant watering, that sort of thing. Everyone rings the doorbell and waits for an answer if they're unexpected visitors, and would only use the key if, say, dropping off something which would be better left in the hall than on the doorstep.

If SD would text ahead before use, OP says she'd be fine with her having a key - but she uses it randomly and usually to avoid seeing people, which is weird. It's a trust issue, I think.

Ditsy1980 · 29/04/2017 20:56

My parents got a new door recently and both my DB and I were given a key. We're 36 and 34.

I don't see why DSD wouldn't be given a key? However, I would be talking to her about letting herself in/out when you're not there. She's not living there so why does she need to be in - are her current living arrangements secure? Does she need food? Are there issues you don't know about?

Ratatatouille · 29/04/2017 21:25

It sounds like DSD is possibly a bit headstrong, as teenagers often are, and she is having trouble backing down from this argument with her dad. If he has been in her bedroom and going through her things in order to tidy up then she is probably feeling like her privacy was completely violated. Is she embarrassed about something he saw?

Having the locks changed has presented two opportunities from what I can see. The first scenario is that her dad takes the opportunity to get in touch and give her the new key, kick starting a conversation with her and allowing her the chance to move back home, because it sounds like she wasn't really ready to move out and she's just too proud to back down.

The other scenario is that her stepmum quickly decides not to give her another key because she knows that would likely lead to the teenage SD moving back home which she desperately wants to avoid. Never mind about SD's relationship with her dad or whether this will have far reaching consequences for her (education, money etc).

Your DH ought to be doing the right thing here and putting his DD first. He should be insisting that she has a key.

Magda72 · 29/04/2017 22:27

I totally agree... it seems SC even as adults must always be put first, above every other child in the family and must be totally traumatised by their parents splitting up even if it was before they were born and therefore we must excuse all bad behaviour and never say a negative word 
@Gogglerox - you are soooo right. I'm so sick of separation & divorce being used as an excuse to allow all sorts of behaviour. Yes it's sad & in an ideal world it wouldn't happen but we don't live in an ideal world. We're in danger of rearing a generation of young people who are expected to take NO responsibility for themselves be it financial, physical or emotional.

Maryann1975 · 29/04/2017 22:53

I think generally yes of course adult dc should have a key to their family home, where they grew up and think it's real

Bitchycocktailwaitress · 29/04/2017 23:51

I still have keys to my father's home, but I would always text my DSM and ask out of courtesy.

Saying that, refusing her a key is cruel, how old is she?

Friday999 · 30/04/2017 09:17

Agree with Magda. Why should having divorced/separated parents give you an automatic right to having a key to a house you don't live in?

user1486334704 · 30/04/2017 09:19

Agree with Magda72
Sense of entitlement prevails with a lot of SC who have it drummed into them often from a young age that they have 'two homes' (despite the proportion of time spent at NRP often being low) and are entitled to be prioritised over and above anyone and anything else (two holidays / two christmas' etc) ...what SC lose in having a complete family unit is often over compensated for both materially and emotionally by ploughing the sense of entitlement into them.

If the SC had always lived with her dad ... and for a very long time.... and was a continual part of the household then there is an argument for an emergency key with caveats that would be the same with 'own' DC E.g. Calling ahead. If she doesn't live there anymore she shouldn't expect to treat the house as if she does!!?

Also depends on behaviour of SC and relationship. My SC is a thief and I won't leave her alone in our home. And that is justified. She also allowed her mother access when she had a key. So no way.

twattymctwatterson · 30/04/2017 09:23

Do your DC have keys to your home? If yes then yabvu and horrible to single her out for different treatment. You also sound quite controlling

Friday999 · 30/04/2017 09:28

What sc lose in having a complete family home is often over compensated materially and emotionally

This one sentence sums up the problems in the majority of Step families.

Gogglerox · 30/04/2017 09:34

Friday999 you're absolutely right... sums everything up perfectly

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 30/04/2017 09:45

OP you aren't being unreasonable.
I'm sorry, but once this situation arises, it just isn't as straightforward as a 'normal' nuclear family and boundaries need to be respected.

Just as everyone goes mental on MN if a stepmother dares to discipline a stepchild, the boundaries work two ways. It will always be your home and you deserve to feel comfortable and relaxed in it.

As you have stated there are trust issues and it sounds like she doesn't respect your wishes in your home; therefore no, as an adult she shouldn't have a key to your home. As you said, I'm sure she is capable of knocking on a door or calling ahead. She has moved out on her own volition; therefore she has lost the right to free access IMO.

Gwenhwyfar · 30/04/2017 09:53

"Sense of entitlement prevails with a lot of SC who have it drummed into them often from a young age that they have 'two homes'"

What? Being passed between two homes given them a 'sense of entitlement'. I'm so glad my parents stayed together and I've never had to deal with this shit.

BertrandRussell · 30/04/2017 09:55

Of course they have "two homes"!

Friday999 · 30/04/2017 09:57

Yes Gwen, being passed between two homes, and the reverence that goes with it, can definitely create a sense of entitlement