Should dsd (19) have keys to our house?

[brownmouse]

Dsd had a blazing row with DH a couple of months ago after he cleaned her room. Since then she's been living with friends.

She has been in the house a few times to collect things but never texts or let's us know she is coming.

We've had to change our front door and have a new lock. DH wants dsd to have a new set of keys but I really don't like her coming into the house without letting us know.

AIBU? I suppose he is right but she refuses to text or let us know she is coming to get stuff. It makes me uncomfy. :-(

I think that unless you've had a SC who has had big problems with the 'new arrangement' ie Dad having a wife/gf - then you won't see the key problem. Or a dyanamic where keys just mean that a child is given no sense of different rules in different houses, or boundaries, or even a sense of relationship to their parents.

I had a situation where my SC were 'sent' to our house when their Mum wanted to clean her house. She didn't care if their Dad wasn't there (mostly not, mostly me). Totally crap arrangement.

And another where my SC who lived with us but from age 15 onwards used her key to come back to our house when we were away the weekend so she could sleep all the time and get out of homework. Her Mum wouldn't care. She ended up flitting between houses to get out of whatever she was trying to avoid - and went into a rage if I said look if we've arranged you are at your mums then that's where you should stay. The key meant avoidance and was really unhealthy for her.

Everyone ignored me though and called me controlling about both issues. Now the SC who lived with us flits between places and has dropped out of Uni but guess what. No one realized because she just went from place to place, eating the fridge, and not learning any life skills at all.

Sometimes I think parents to get so embroiled when they separate in making their kids 'feel welcome anytime' that they just don't parent anymore.

Totally agree spring, particularly your last paragraph

None of that is a key issue though spring thats just crap parenting from both mum and dad.

Oh god I have keys to my mums house and happily let myself in because it's my second home and my mum wouldn't have it any other way, even if she's in bed she wouldn't mind because I am her child and it's not like I've never seen her in bed before

I feel a bit sorry for all your children that they have to text you in advance it doesn't sound very homely to me.

I'd also want my child to come and go freely because that to me shows them they are loved

But I know it's each to their own so fair enough.

Kittykat but did you use to keys so you could go to the house and avoid your mum,while you weren't speaking to her at all?

In many cases the dynamic of stepchildren/stepmother is very different to that of mum/child. We don't know the full history and dynamic of the relationship between OP and her stepdaughter. Similarly, if your relationship with your 'own' child was in some way fraught it would impact whether you would allow them complete free access to your home.

I'd also want my child to come and go freely because that to me shows them they are loved That isn't love, that's the point it's nothing to do with love. If it works for all concerned that's fine and good.

But to confuse how much you are loved as a child with whether or not any boundaries exist between separated parents and their homes is confused thinking.

Love is care, compassion, guidance, trust. Nothing to do with keys.

This does bring up the heart of the tension though - my step child, made it quite clear that if her dad didn't let her go to and fro whenever she liked that he was 'shunning her from her own home' so he felt like it was a lack if love on his part.

He let her do what she wants and now her mum is going spare because she treats her house like a hotel.

The key issue works when there is a degree of maturity and understanding from the child. If not it can be a disaster.