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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Did this happen on its own?

398 replies

Crowdblundering · 18/01/2017 18:47

AARHH!!! Soooo pissed off.

Just noticed bloody curtain in our back lounge is totally bent and pulled out of its bracket and the plaster on the wall is all cracked and pulled off.

OH is like "oh I can't imagine how that's happened" and I'm like I am not accusing your kids BUT poles do not just bend and get ripped out of the fucking wall on their own - do they? Or am I a bitch step mother in suspecting them - it is where they sleep.

They are 12 and 10 and really fucking tall - I just wish he would back me up in zero tolerance to the destruction of our home

OP posts:

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RacoonBandit · 19/01/2017 17:38

I have a 14 yo that breaks everything he touches including his own arm twice in the last 12 weeks if that helps?

PitilessYank · 19/01/2017 17:43

I also don't see where Raccoon has been aggressive or nasty. I agree with her perspective, also, on the bedroom situation. I would probably turn the second lounge into a proper bedroom for the two girls.

Rather than being a lounge which is occasionally used as a bedroom, perhaps it can be a bedroom which is occasionally used as a lounge.

MyWhatICallNameChange · 19/01/2017 17:44

I'm so glad my step kids mum didn't stop contact because we didn't have enough room to give them their own bedrooms. When we first started living together we could only afford a one bed place. They slept in the living room.

When we had our own kids we could still only get up to a 3 bed. They had to share with their siblings.

They're adults now and don't give a shit about the sleeping arrangements they had as children, they knew they were with us because we wanted to see them and loved them. Hell, the last time they visited one had to sleep in the living room On a camp bed and one had to sleep in another town with family! Tell us how awful we are and I'll pass the message on to them so they can hate us.

If DH's ex had had the same attitude he wouldn't have seen them from toddler age.

I'd be raging about them destroying stuff too, just like I'm angry with my own kids because they're old enough to know better. Just like I'd tell my step kids off if they'd wilfully destroyed stuff.

Your DH does need to have words with them, especially at their age. I wouldn't be happy with his attitude. How does he think it happened?

swingofthings · 19/01/2017 17:45

Not sure why I am getting attacked here.
Personally, the only reason why your post yielded a response from me is because of the aggressive nature of your OP, the use of curse word expressing a level of anger that in my mind is totally disproportionate to the event. It made me wonder how you react to them being less than perfect children in real life, especially you mention of zero tolerance to destruction.

Have your children or even yourself ever broken something? Not ever?

I don't have an issue with children visiting every other week-end and sleeping in the lounge. My kids often do at their dad and they are happy like that. I do find it odd though that you think your ADULT children should take priority though but again, I don't think that has to be an issue if the step-children are fine with the arrangement.

So they broke the poles and did some damage. How about sitting them down and calmly asking how it happened. Are they long curtains the problem is that the bed was put over it by mistake and that pulled the curtains? That would explain their dad's question 'how did that happen' rather than assuming that it was done on purpose. I too would have wondered how it had happened.

OneWithTheForce · 19/01/2017 17:49

Good god does anyone here have a 15,18 and 19 yrbikd whobqoukd actually swing on a curtain rail, bust it and leave it there - the two oldest ones have jobs.

You have no idea that's what happened to it.

RacoonBandit · 19/01/2017 17:58

If the DSC are only there eow I assume they go back on Sunday ready for school Monday or does he drive 600 miles on a Monday morning to take them to school?

Yet you only noticed the broken pole on Tuesday so can you be absolutly sure they did it? I mean it is the family room so everyone else goes in there too.

neonrainbow · 19/01/2017 18:40

Raccoon was the first person to throw names about calling me vile so it's funny to see them trying to play the victim. You can't accuse other people of name calling when you've done it yourself.

MsGameandWatch · 19/01/2017 18:42

I'm so glad my step kids mum didn't stop contact because we didn't have enough room to give them their own bedrooms.

But they do have enough room. They have two living rooms.

RacoonBandit · 19/01/2017 19:09

You called them bratty stepkids neon that is pretty vile.
Not sure you have the moral highground on this one

MyWhatICallNameChange · 19/01/2017 19:21

Yes, and they turn one of the living rooms in to a bedroom when they are there

Would you seriously have a room that you wouldn't use for most of the time because someone came to visit once a month?

I doubt they keep much there except bedding, my step kids never did once they'd moved away, they bought their stuff with them and took it back again.

Also I don't see the issue with her writing on here calling them bratty. I've though things about my step kids, and my own kids sometimes. I wouldn't call them that to their face ever, I might moan to a friend. This is the OP sounding off, I doubt she's spouting abuse at her stepkids.

Violetcharlotte · 19/01/2017 19:28

I sympathise as it's frustrating enough when things like this happen and your stuff gets damaged by your own kids. At least though you can deal with it however you see fit. When it's step children you have to let their Dad deal with it, and from experience I know that Dads are often softer with their kids when they don't live with them all the time.

The OP was just having a rant. We all need do this at times.

neonrainbow · 19/01/2017 19:36

I didn't claim to have the moral highground. You were trying to claim it. I'm simply highlighting that you're not exactly perfect yourself so there's little point playing the victim.

throwingpebbles · 19/01/2017 19:49

I'm on the fence here. I don't think op should assume it was deliberate disrespectful behaviour,'I think it is quite upsetting that that was implied. Kids, even teenagers, are often clumsy or get carried away. Doesn't make them hateful or uncaring.

I also think the step kids dad should feel a bit ashamed. Why hasn't he done more to make them properly at home in his place? We only have three bedrooms. So now DP has moved inmy two share a room and the 2 step kids share a room. All feel they have been treated equally. All have a space to make their own and retreat to. we have made sure they have plenty of storage for things they want to keep here, and have decorations etc that make the room "theirs".

(And now we are saving like maniacs to get a bigger place. !)

If the house is yours OP then what did their dad do before, where did they stay? Did he have no assets /income to help provide more space?

throwingpebbles · 19/01/2017 19:51

Also yet, it is rude and nasty to imply racoon has mental health points just because what she is saying makes you uneasy.

All the advice on this makes it plain that children should have a space that is permanently theirs in the NRP house. Whilst it is recognised this isn't always possible (eg if dad lives in shared house) the huge benefits of it are really stressed. So fundamentally racoon is only saying what the guidance does

MsGameandWatch · 19/01/2017 19:58

Would you seriously have a room that you wouldn't use for most of the time because someone came to visit once a month?

Yes of course - a room for the children of the family. The other children of the family do, so should they.

Original poster

Crowdblundering · 19/01/2017 19:58

As I said they have form.

When the boys shared when they were here they were continually told off for jumping on the bed DSD2 broke DS2s bed.

I bought them sunglasses this summer DSD1 snapped DSD2s in front of her.

DSD1 snapped a fairy wand I bought DSD2.

Both wiped snot all over DS2s wall and thought is was hilarious.

Both drew all over tablet cases we bought them, drew all over DS1 desk and wall.

Shoved drawing pins inside the lock on DS1s door meaning he couldn't lock it.

Swung on the clothes horse until it snapped after repeatedly being told not to.

Put feet with shoes on up a newly painted wall.

Ripped up a childhood book of mine I lent them to read by fighting over it.

Ripped up each other's books that we gave them for xmas

Shoved food and rubbish under the sofa in the back room

Do I continue

OP posts:

Violetcharlotte · 19/01/2017 20:01

Pebbles no ones said she has MH issues.

And I'm sorry but I don't agree that Step DC need a bedroom of their own when they only come 4 times a month. Presumably they have a home where they live permanently where they have bedrooms? Why should the DC who live there all the time have to share? I actually think that's more unfair.

In an ideal world it would be lovely if all children had a bedroom in both parents home. However it's not an ideal world. What matters is that they can spend time with Dad in a loving and safe environment.

Original poster

Crowdblundering · 19/01/2017 20:01

And yes - I was just ranting.

I am a very kind and loving step mum.

To suggest we should give up one of our reception rooms for them is ridiculous.

They are perfectly happy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Crowdblundering · 19/01/2017 20:08

Shame though.

I posted here instead of AIBU as I thought this would be a safe place to have a little rant - not get this MN ridiculous stuff from certain posters.

Will put people after advice and support off posting.

OP posts:

Somerville · 19/01/2017 20:11

How long a period of time does that list cover, though? If I listed the stuff mine broke or destroyed at that kind of age it would be extensive. But it would cover several years, not several weeks.

Listen, their father needs to tackle wanton destruction. As I've already said, I think that part of the reason he's not prepared to might be guilt at being underhoused and not providing a bedroom for them as he might like to. Or it might be that he's a lazy twat who can't be bothered to parent his children. I have no idea which, but it's not behaviour you're going to be able to change. He needs to do it.

Will he, d'you reckon?

RacoonBandit · 19/01/2017 20:12

I have 4 dc and frankly everything you listed sounds pretty normal. Granted my dc a probably ferral but they have all gone through stages of breaking stuff.

RacoonBandit · 19/01/2017 20:17

Violet i have been called bat shit crazy, told i will have a siezure advised I need to lie down/ leave the thread and have yoga in my life.

You accused me of being argumentative on every thread i am on then when I pulled you, you changed it to 1 or 2 threads

You and a few others have tried to imply i am crazy and should not be listened to ignore ignore ignore is one quote.

Original poster

Crowdblundering · 19/01/2017 20:18

No he does not feel guilty about them not having a room the only people who have an issue with that are certain people on this thread.

I don't know anyone in RL whose kids have a room at the NRP house.

They are very very destructive kids and have not been taught to value anything. I know this because I know the kids and it's a continual frustration to me. I was venting here about it.

OP posts:

Violetcharlotte · 19/01/2017 20:32

It doesn't sound like normal behaviour to me either, my DC are clumsy and certainly not angels, but they're not deliberately destructive. It sounds like neither their Mum or Dad had installed into them that they need to look after things. Not sure what the answer is, it's difficult for you to have much of an influence over them as they're only with you for such a short period of time

Original poster

Crowdblundering · 19/01/2017 20:33

Yes it is.

There are a lot of issues at home that I won't go into here.

We are doing our best.

OP posts:

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