Did this happen on its own?

[Crowdblundering]

AARHH!!! Soooo pissed off.

Just noticed bloody curtain in our back lounge is totally bent and pulled out of its bracket and the plaster on the wall is all cracked and pulled off.

OH is like "oh I can't imagine how that's happened" and I'm like I am not accusing your kids BUT poles do not just bend and get ripped out of the fucking wall on their own - do they? Or am I a bitch step mother in suspecting them - it is where they sleep.

They are 12 and 10 and really fucking tall - I just wish he would back me up in zero tolerance to the destruction of our home

And it has been pointed out to you (although it should hardly have been necessary) that you have no idea what is being done in the background.
Who do you think has a better idea of "the bigger picture" here? Some random loon (yep, name-calling, finally) off the Internet? Or the OP herself?

Just ignore her now crowd. You're doing a fine job. It sounds to me like you and your DH are doing what you can to love, support and care for all the DC in your family and I'd be pissed off about the curtain poll and other casual destruction of things in my home too.

Stepparenting isn't easy and this is often a supportive helpful place to talk to people who can relate. I've never seen anything like this, so please don't be put off coming back if you'd like to.

There's always a small contingent who only show up to try and make us feel crap. But they show their true colours quite quickly and are best just ignored!

I don't at all blame you for engaging, defending yourself or trying to explain things, but you've had plenty of sensible contributions alongside the nonsensical and incessant ranting so remember those and forget the rest

Oh, and I'll have a G&T please

Ahhh more mental health slurs lovely.

Given the fact these girls still live in their unstable shit home enviroment and dad still only sees them 4 days a month and the 12 yo still wets the bed and its been 6 years I can only assume not alot.

For how long would you expect a child to live in such an enviroment? Is 6 years not long enough? Maybe until they are old enough to move away from the shit home life themselves.

Nobody knows what this father is doing to support his daughters but at 4 days a month I cannot imagine he achieves alot.

Would a 12 yo bed wetter not worry any of you? Would it not worry you that the resident parent does nothing go get medial help? Maybe you are right and i am a loony to be concerned by such things.

And most of the school holidays.

Thanks Anne

I can just imagine their bedroom now. Cosy, quilts. The stuff they want around them, no one invading their space while they are in it. Sounds like hell... NOT.

FFS. Some of you want to have a look at yourselves.

Ask two adult teenagers with jobs to share for the minority of the time? What's with working with what you have for the best of everyone? It works for them.

OP. Your DH should address the curtain rail. I would go with 'what happened? If it was an accident, it's ok?' route though.

Ask two adult teenagers with jobs to share for the minority of the time?

Sorry, by that I meant, it is ridiculous to ask the two adults earning and contributing to the household to share a bedroom to leave one empty for 80% of the time.

Good gravy. Raccoon, please stop presuming you know what help the residential parent may or may not be getting.
I think you're verging on bullying the OP. Let it go. You disagree. Thats fine, I think we all got that. Let it go now.
Being a step parent is hard enough without being judged on an online forum when all the OP wanted to do was vent!
OP, you're doing your best like we all are.

wine for me Raccoon, please stop judging/presuming and have a cheeky wee drink!

Can we ask that today there be no personal attacks on this thread, we will delete any reported to us, which we feel break our TGs.

Did we not barricade the door properly?

Can't believe this is STILL going on.

Let it goooo! Let it gooooo!

So, getting back to your original post Cloud, have you got to the bottom yet what happened with the curtains?!

Logs in, sees same drama from @raccoonbandit can someone call them a doctor, they must surely need altitude sickness tablets having spent this long on the moral high ground, the ivory tower must be missing them....

I live the stepparent board. It's a great space to get support and advice from people who are in the same situation. It's especially helpful if 'the otherside' is hostile. However what then often happens is that someone with an axe to grind against step mothers - for whatever reason , maybe they had a shit step mother, maybe their husband or partner left them and married someone else, maybe their dcs love their sm and DM is jealous- who knows.. but they come into this space looking for ways to find fault with a sm who is obviously trying her hardest. Why would anyone do that ?
Surely - unless their is an obvious reason to point out where someone has got something really wrong, why not just ignore the thread ? So mean spirited.
For the record. No you don't need a bedroom for each dsc . If you have them occasionally then you need an occasional room.. which you have. It makes absolutely no odds if it's upstairs or down. Ideally it will be a space that can be theirs without others invading . Which this is. Should permanent residence in a house 'give up their room in favour of dsc ?' Absolutely not. The children are VISITORS. THEY DONT LIVE THERE. I do not know where this lunacy comes from where we have to pretend that dsc who VISIT 4 days a month should be persuaded that it is their home. It patently isn't. Just saying it is, does not make it so. There home is where they LIVE. If they LIVE with you 50/50 then it's their equal home. 4 days a month is their dads/mums place that they VISIT...

Don't worry about all the negative comments, they are ridiculous!
My ex and i have split and my daughter shares a room with his fiancee's daughter. However, if they didnt have the room to do this, as long as she had somewhere comfortable and warm, fed and loved i would be fine, after all she has her own bedroom at my house with all her belongings in. I respect that not everyone can afford to go and buy or rent a 4/5/6 bedroom house especially for children who stay infrequently. Yes they are part of the family but they dont need a bedroom to prove it-what a ridiculous statement to make

Anyway going back to the point of your post - your husband needs to grow some balls and tell his kids that behaviour is not acceptable and they should know better. Sounds like their mum is dragging them up. Discipline is key. They cant do that in the outside world and they certainly cant do it in your house.

The children are VISITORS. THEY DONT LIVE THERE
I think it all comes down to those who think that being a visitor to a parents' house is acceptable, whilst others believe that any child should feel at home at any of their parents. What makes us feel at home? The space we occupy, or the people we are with?

Most adults don't feel at home when they visit their parents, although some still do when indeed, they lived their as kids, but is it right that a child should accept to only be a visitor to one of their parents?

I guess it will depends on the family set up and many other factors, different personalities, different needs. In the end, what matters is to try to meet the child's need as much as feasible and accept the consequences when this is not possible.

I think the main reason why teenagers stop visits to their nrp is their lack of privacy and feeling at home there, but I don't think it means that not being able to offer a bedroom to the child will forcibly mean them stopping to visit either.

They are more likely to stop visiting because they live 150 miles away and they will want to do things with their friends.

Indeed. Really on all accounts, the situation is not facilitating these children building a good relationship with their dad. It's sad, but unfortunately all too common. I expect the children will then be blamed for the non relationship with their dad when it comes to it so that guilt is absorbed.

They have a great relationship with their dad. They adore him.

Of course they do, they are 10 and 12. Loving a parent doesn't mean you are prepared to make the effort to come and see them regularly though when doing so is more trouble than benefit when you become a teenager.

Anyway, no one can predict the future, so it is unfair to assume they will stop wanting to come all together, but also a bit presumptions to assume that they will always look forward to doing so and make it a priority in their lives that will become more and more busy.

This thread is 😳

This is for you OP

Please ignore this thread until you (and DH) have managed to quit your job, chuck your own kids out, move cross country and buy somewhere bigger....
I'm sure you will still be doing something wrong though

I think the main reason why teenagers stop visits to their nrp is their lack of privacy and feeling at home there, but I don't think it means that not being able to offer a bedroom to the child will forcibly mean them stopping to visit either.

The main reason teenagers stop visiting their non resident parent is because they're teenagers... friends are everything. Parents become much less important and with only 2 days for a weekend, the NRP is much further down the list of priorities.

The rp would be equally further down if it weren't simply for an accident of opportunity - in that they live in the same house and therefore 'see' one another.

I have 5 resident (some at Uni) teens/twenties . I cannot recall a single time any one of them as sought me or their dad out to specifically 'spend time' with us. Like most normal teenagers they are simply too busy. That's why the whole NRP visiting thing is so artificial when they get to about 13. At that stage it should be child lead.

Bedrooms. - It has buggerall to do with bedrooms. It has everything to do with environment. My dss x 2 left own bedrooms with ensuites at their mums for mattresses behind the sofa at ours. (While we converted the dining room ). This house then became their home.
Until that point they VISITED.

You can spin it anyway you want but just saying something does not make it so (or you risk sounding like Donald Trump).
Children who come to stay 4 days a month, who have all their belongings at another house where they live the other 27 days a month. Where they go to school from, give as their address on all official papers and where they are registered at for doctors /dentists etc clearly don't 'live' at the NRP home. By all means it can (and should) feel LIKE home in that they should never be made to feel uncomfortable in any way but it is clearly not their home. To insist it is - is just saying stuff that actually isn't true.
At our house and the HOME to my 3 and DHs 2 we all make decisions. We consult each other on all kinds of matters from redecorating /cleaning/gardening - to who is going to feed the animals when some residents of the household are away/out. Basically all the minutiae of running a home.
My non resident Dcs are not involved in any of this because it's not their home. They do all this stuff at their mums. They are not invested in our home in that way.
It's a similar situation to visiting former family homes as an adult. Whilst I feel 'at home' with my parents, where I visit frequently, feel comfortable, loved and welcome. It is not my home. To pretend it is would be bonkers.

Excellent post Marilyn.

But that is exactly my point Marilyn, the reason why they are happy at home with their resident parent is because they are at HOME. If they can also be at home with the nrp, then they will visit, if not just for the purpose of spending quality time with their parent, to feel at home there within the home dynamics,.and as such, at least at some parts of the day, they spend time with the family.

If you are going to take away any chance of them to feel at home with the nrp, indeed, they are unlikely to make the effort to visit to see them.

I am not (and haven't here) said that a nrp should give up everything to offer a home to his EOW children, indeed, sometimes, it is just not possible and that just the way it is. My issue is that assumption that visiting kids will continue to want to come regularly.

Indeed, being parent of teenagers mean that it often feels that we benefit from their presence (and them of our wisdom!!) because we are sharing the same space, but there is a lot of benefit of this, especially when they become adults. How many are choosing to remain with mum and dad rather than move to their own place? Because they feel at home!