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Original poster

Did this happen on its own?

398 replies

Crowdblundering · 18/01/2017 18:47

AARHH!!! Soooo pissed off.

Just noticed bloody curtain in our back lounge is totally bent and pulled out of its bracket and the plaster on the wall is all cracked and pulled off.

OH is like "oh I can't imagine how that's happened" and I'm like I am not accusing your kids BUT poles do not just bend and get ripped out of the fucking wall on their own - do they? Or am I a bitch step mother in suspecting them - it is where they sleep.

They are 12 and 10 and really fucking tall - I just wish he would back me up in zero tolerance to the destruction of our home AngrySad

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
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HubrisComicGhoul · 19/01/2017 20:37

Destructive behaviour isn't without reason. It takes effort to break things, so they are either very clumsy (unlikely from your description) or very unhappy.

If you have a good relationship with them talk to them. Destructive actions are normally frustration, find out why they are frustrated, see if there is anything you can do and you might find the behaviour improves.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 19/01/2017 20:39

There isn't a lot I can do believe me.

We spend a lot of time with them while they are here and I have been around a long time for them - we are the only stable factor in their lives.

OP posts:
throwingpebbles · 19/01/2017 20:44

" we are the only stable factor in their lives."

All the more reason for them to have a space they can call their own at yours then.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 19/01/2017 20:46

Oh FFS Hmm

OP posts:
Somerville · 19/01/2017 20:49

It is just as much their father's responsibility to teach them not to be destructive as it is their mothers. Both parents sound like they are letting them down.

And what a shame that they spend so little time with the people they get the most stability from. If that is really accurate then it must be extremely confusing for them to be with you so little and to be so far in the pecking order behind resident (adult) children.

MsGameandWatch · 19/01/2017 21:30

Has it been explained already on the thread why these children's other parent is living 600 miles away from them and only seeing them twice a month when their home life is so unstable?

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 19/01/2017 21:32

No - because it's irrelevant to me starting a thread having a moan about a curtain rail being pulled down in my house.

OP posts:
MsGameandWatch · 19/01/2017 21:35

Well you brought it up. You said you're the only stable thing in their lives, so it is relevant and I wondered how that claim could be made from 600 miles away, twice a month?

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 19/01/2017 21:37

I don't live 600 miles away - my OH does.

Pretty sure this is a parenting forum not a CID operation.

OP posts:
MsGameandWatch · 19/01/2017 21:42

We spend a lot of time with them while they are here and I have been around a long time for them - we are the only stable factor in their lives

I am aware that their father lives 600 miles away from them hence my first question regarding why he chooses to do that. You're also referring to yourself as a stable influence in their lives in the above paragraph.

So why do you both live so far away from them and moan about curtain rails when their home life is so difficult and unstable?

RacoonBandit · 19/01/2017 21:50

OP wont answer MsG she didnt answer when I asked why it took 2 days to find the damage in the well used family room.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 19/01/2017 21:53

The reason I didn't answer is because it is fucking irrelevant and you really need to get a life tbh - maybe we went away maybe maybe maybe.

Maybe just allow someone to rant on a step parenting forum without the Spanish Inquisition and without trying to pick their entire life apart which you no nothing about and which I have no intention of revealing here to identify myself.

OP posts:
MsGameandWatch · 19/01/2017 22:16

YOU brought it up! YOU introduced it and made it relevant. Fine, don't answer, I am sure everyone draws their own assumptions from that....

It's quite clear why these children behave as they do and curtain rails should be the least of your concerns.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 19/01/2017 22:25

Whatever is going on in a child's life one of the most basic thing they need are boundaries. If I had foster kids it still would not be ok for them to trash the house.

It doesn't really matter if he lives 6000 miles away or 600 as long as they know he loves them, he is there for them and when they are going to see him again.

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MNHQ
IonaMumsnet · 19/01/2017 22:29

Evening folks. Just swinging by with a reminder of our talk guidelines, which there's a link to at the bottom of each page. We understand people won't always agree and might want to ask questions but we do think that always can be done in a civil way. Could we have a bit of peace and love? Thanks!

MsGameandWatch · 19/01/2017 22:34

It doesn't really matter if he lives 6000 miles away or 600 as long as they know he loves them, he is there for them and when they are going to see him again.

It does really matter, like really, REALLY matter. Especially when their home life is supposedly so unstable and problematic leading to such long term destructive behaviour - this is all from your posts. But you you don't seem to want to understand why, only to moan and for people to agree that you're justified in it and I can't do that so I will leave it there.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 19/01/2017 22:36

Good Smile

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RacoonBandit · 19/01/2017 22:39

Ahhh You should be a little bit ashamed but your not.
Poor kids.

RacoonBandit · 19/01/2017 22:41

I would think the most basic thing they need is a bedroom then you will have a boundry in which you can place them.

SpartacusWoman · 19/01/2017 22:43

They absolutey should be to,do off for causing the damage, you mention that they having issues at their other home though could that be a reason why dh is reluctant to discipline them over it? That he doesn't want to take the small risk of them having not done it and having the DC say he's taken your word over theirs without any evidence and stop coming, making him lose the small amount of contact he does have?

My stepson has broken things in the past, damage like that would have been noticed the day he'd left though or the very next day as Dh or I would be in the room making sure no plates etc were left around, stripping the bed to wash bedding, making sure chargers are unplugged etc and would have either tackled it straight away if dss was still here or telephoned to ask if he knew why a, b or c was broken.

While it probably has been them, Id be reluctant to make a big deal of it in this scenario, firstly, the noise when it happened would have been loud but no adults heard it happen? And it's a room that used by others more than it is by them and as its gone un noticed by yourself, your dh and other adults and possibly their partners too, their Mum could reasonably feel that it's happened afterwards and your dh is maybe avoiding that argument?

Adults do sometimes break things and don't fess up. My mil had spent a fortune papering her long and bil thought he'd move all the heavy furniture back as a suprise and ripped a large section of wallpaper off. He kept his trap shut because mil would have been furious, she'd known it was an accident but would have been really pissed off so hid it behind furniture, by the time she noticed the grandkids (7 and 10) had been and they got the blame and were punished for damaging the paper, hiding the damage and lying and saying they hadn't done it. Bil fessed up years later and everyone laughed, apart from the kids who were bollocked by their gran and parents for something they didn't do.

pleasepassthevino · 19/01/2017 22:50

I can't believe some of the posts on here! And Racoon if we are going to be pedantic it's you're not your and boundary not boundry. Just saying.
OP I think you're right to be irritated - they should have respect for their surroundings.

RacoonBandit · 19/01/2017 22:59

Wonderful contribution please you must be so proudHmm

Oswin · 19/01/2017 23:04

This can really affect some children. Some won't be bothered.

My nephew and niece are meant to go to their dads eow.
Niece sleeps in step sisters room on a mattress.

Nephew was put on the sofa.

It really made him feel like shit. He had no where he could leave stuff. No where that was his.
In his mind his dad walked away from a flat where the DC had a room to move in with a new gf and his children came last.

Its had a massive toll on my nephews mental health.

Now this mans a shit, and I'm not comparing your situation op but it just riles me seeing so many posters brushing off the fact that it can be upsetting for DC to not have space in nrp house.

OneWithTheForce · 19/01/2017 23:12

You know what, if their life at home is so shitty and unstable and their mum moves from house to house trashing them, and their father has no interest in teaching them to respect property then really they haven't actually been taught how to take care of things and that it's really not on to wilfully damage property. Have they? They are 12 and 10 and neither of their parents have modelled that for them so it's really unsurprising that they are breaking things. In your position I would talk to them the next time I saw them and really calmly and relaxed say "I noticed the curtain pole in your room has come loose, you know it's ok to come and tell me if you accidentally break something, right? No-ones going to get mad, we all have accidents, I break stuff too sometimes, it's no big deal." And then I would involve them in the fixing of it (if possible) even if you only do a temporary job until you can fix it properly. Get them involved. The logical consequence of breaking something is having to repair or replace. That doesn't have to involve anger or bad feelings.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 19/01/2017 23:16

When I met him they had no where to see him as he lived on base.

So my lowly house was a massive step up for them and meant they could visit their dad for an entire weekend EOW rather than him visiting for the odd day now and then.

You rarely have the full facts here yet people love to stand in judgement on a tiny snapshot of someone's life.

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