Did this happen on its own?

[Crowdblundering]

AARHH!!! Soooo pissed off.

Just noticed bloody curtain in our back lounge is totally bent and pulled out of its bracket and the plaster on the wall is all cracked and pulled off.

OH is like "oh I can't imagine how that's happened" and I'm like I am not accusing your kids BUT poles do not just bend and get ripped out of the fucking wall on their own - do they? Or am I a bitch step mother in suspecting them - it is where they sleep.

They are 12 and 10 and really fucking tall - I just wish he would back me up in zero tolerance to the destruction of our home

Totally agree Lunar.

I did - now I have read it and laughed

If I shared what I do for a living it would be even funnier.

And no - not all navy personnel live/work on ships and are skimmers or are officers 😂

Hi OP - real world here. We have 8 children between us. 1 is married in his own home. Seeing as we haven't won the lottery, we have NEVER been able to provide a bedroom for VISITING dsc. My 3 Live with us full time. My dsc came over every other weekend. They slept wherever there was a space, as we had a 3 bedroom house. Sofa bed/mattress empty bed if one of mine were on a sleepover.

We were unable to buy a 4/5/6 bedroom house because DH still pays the mortgage on the house they LIVE IN and have their OWN bedroom in. In the EXACT same way MY children have a bedroom. (My two girls shared)

My DH ex wife spent a decade fucking around with contact because SHE didn't like the fact her kids didn't have a bedroom 4 days a month. She was finally sent to prison for a week under the terms of the enforcement order for refusing contact. The judge in each case stated clearly that the children needed to be catered for 'adequately' . The CAFCASS report stated clearly that the children were more than happy with sleeping arrangements and it had never been an issue for them. The judge agreed and got more and more exasperated by her 'unreasonable and unrealistic' behaviour.

The two eldest of his children were SO psychologically damaged from eight years on camp beds/mattresses that they voted with their feet and moved in with us as soon as the court agreed they could make their own decision. So our lack of bedrooms obviously made them feel very unwanted ...

When they moved in PERMANENTLY, we made the decision to give up our dining room (not an easy decision with a regular 9/10 for meals) and converted it into a bedroom for the boys. Because they LIVE with us - not a 4 day a month visit. The younger two still 'camp' or jump into a spare bed. Everybody lives !!!

As for your actual question... my DH does this... if my kids damaged things then he would be down like a ton of bricks, if it's obviously his then he minimises. It's called dad guilt because he doesn't live with them. As he always says. It's his ex wife he left, not his children... that was what made leaving so hard.

Marilyn - you obviously got the tone right and the atmosphere - congratulations. I do believe it is all in the handling of the situation.

Sadly many blended families consider the DSCs an inconvenience that have to be endured for the short time they get to see their other parent.

Mine initially shared a room on the same floor as their stepsibs and father, then 6 months later were asked if they wanted to stay in that room or move to the thirdfloor bedroom. New baby on the way.

They chose to stay near everyone else. The fact there was a spare bedroom on the same floor which was used as a toy room was irrelevant.

Their DF and partner then moved them to the third floor anyway because the baby needed a room. What I did not realise for sometime the thrid floor bedroom was the loft box room where they also had their washing machine and dryer ( house was v odd). The roof was no insulated and a single mattress was on the floor for them to sleep on.

Handled like that - yes there is emotional scarring. Handled your way would be better.

For anyone to say there is categorically NO emotional damage is a statement of blatant stupidity.

this is the strangest and most aggressive thread I have read in a long time.

Isn't a room whatever it is designated as? If a room was originally a lounge, but now has beds in it and is used as a bedroom - doesn' t that make it a bedroom? Or does it have to upstairs to be a bedroom?

Having read this thread I'm confused why some posters are getting arsey that the OP hasn't given the girls their own bedroom. What does a room have to have or be to be a bedroom? Apart from a bed? Where you sleep?

Are the beds taken out when the girls aren't there and it goes back to being a lounge?

Yes.

Making the room a lounge when they are not there, and a bedroom when they are is no issue. The question is whether it is turned into their room made to be practical room, or is it a case of throwing two mattresses on the floor in between furniture with nowhere for them to put their personal items/clothes and having no real privacy because everyone else is still using it as a lounge.

I do believe it can work if 'rules' are respected, ie, it becomes their bedroom and other members don't come and go as they wish, and if it is made spacious enough, with proper comfortable beds provided and some space to play (preferably away from the curtains!), and some space to hang their clothes, places where they can leave and retrieve personal effects etc...

No that it not how it is but as I have said numerous times they are perfectly happy with it and have space in our bedroom for their clothes.

We are a busy household with 3 teenagers (two over 18) and a lot of people coming and going and a very tiny garden.

The girls have their space when they are here - everyone is happy, the room does not look like a bedroom when they are not here as they both have their own rooms in their own house.

That may not work for others but it works for us

Exactly OP. I think you will find the ONLY people who care are the ones looking for something to complain about. In rl this is probably their DM if she is the type to try and score points. On here it will be every woman who's children stay with their ex and new partner.. The least likely to care are the kids who enjoy spending time with their dad. !

His ex doesn't complain.

She is glad of the break - she certainly is not mother of the year but I would never publicly slag her off.

She would not have an issue with where they sleep.

We do everything we can to make her life easier (and to protect the girls from her lifestyle).

A poster purposely misses the point then some jump on the bandwagon quickly turning the thread into a bizarre discussion. Appalling.

I agree that the bedroom thing could go either way it completely depends on the tone in that particular house, how do people not get that it's not the same in every house?
Some children would be happy to share some not, it depends on the situation and how they are otherwise treated, if they feel wanted etc etc

And to the point, yes the children should be disciplined for breaking a curtain fitting at that age it is not acceptable. This should be done by their father.

All I got from this thread is Racoon is an absolute nutter

Lovely another mental health slur.
MNHQ dont allow racist or disablist comments but its totally ok to call somebody you dont know a nutter and various other names relating to mental health.
I hope calling me a nutter has made you feel all superior and clever Mils

Blimey
You are not unreasonable for being upset at kids doing this.
I had a childs friend do this. I took it up with his parents immediately.
As for the rest of it. Quite why you are being attacked in this was is beyond me.

My kids stay with me 3 times a month, they use our spare room as a bedroom. It's not made up as a bedroom, there's a pull down sofa bed and shock horror sometimes one of my kids will choose to sleep on the living room couch...hang me now for my bad parenting skills and not being made of money to buy a 4 bedroom house so I can appease the holier than thou pit vipers like you on here. It's not a medal you need it's a grip on reality you clownshoe!

Again with the mental health insults.

You know nothing about me Not but if it makes you feel good throwing insults at me carry on. Its quite sad and pathetic really.

@NotTheMama

Well op... Aside from your not being able to buy a house large enough to accommodate everyone , I'd say you are perfectly within your rights to be pissed off at the damage to the house.If it were my children that had done that they would get a rollicking. Because it's their house too and they should be aware that we all need to work to keep it well, and be respectful of it as our family environment, which I've worked hard to provide for them.
Did a pp say something like 'they need their own space so they have somewhere to trash if they want to'...what on earth? If my DD's trashed their own bedrooms deliberately they would again get a big row from me, because why should they destroy what has been given to them.step children, natural children-it doesn't matter-they still need to learn to respect their own and other peoples belongings and contribute to ensuring the house they live in remains in decent condition as far as they are able to-appropriate to their ages.Surely that's all just a basic life lesson?
This reactions on this thread have been really really odd.

Also I don't like mental health based insults either...but I did very much enjoy the use of the word 'clownshoe' and will be using it in conversations as often as possible going forwards.

I do love raccoon saying that the SC deserve their own room and a space they can call their own otherwise how do they know they feel welcome at the NRP house, yet she admits that her own DSC who she loves just as much as her own DC don't have their own room within her home and have to share.

Also all this suggesting that OP gives up her bedroom to allow DSC to sleep in when they are over so they at least have a "bedroom" how would that even work? How would the SC feel any better knowing that they have to kick SM and DF out of their bedroom and sleep in the bed that their DF and SM have intimate relations on! Totally gross! Think I'll stick to the lounge thanks.

Also the whole well when OPs older children move out the SC should be given a room what does that say to OPs DC? Once they move out they are no longer welcome back in the family home as their rooms will be gone? Hope they don't hit on hard times and have to move back in. I suppose then the lounge would be good enough for them to bed down in and they'd still feel welcome!

Seriously some of the comments on here are off the scale. OP in all honesty I reckon DSC did break the pole probably through playing rather than malicious and are too scared to own up but your problem here is your DP he needs to parent his children and stop being a Disney dad. Honestly do the kids feel they are treated equally when they don't get told off for doing wrong? Knowing that there other siblings, step, half or otherwise do? This is a massive diaspora, more so than where the SC sleep and definately shows that they aren't part of the family!

MN my children share. My DSC are in their 20s and have not lived at home for many years. However when they did stay they had a bedroom and space where they could keep their things, there weren't shoved on put up beds in the lounge.

It's a second lounge Racoon ffs.

People don't go in there when the girls are here. It is their space when they are here.

You have really made a total fool of yourself on this thread and totally put me off having a bit of an air on here about how bloody difficult it is being a step parent by bullying and badgering me.

My OH is in the Navy if you really need to bloody know and he is sometimes sent away at short notice for three months or more with no contact at all.

Am I supposed to keep my second lounge as a shrine to my step kids for half the year when they aren't here and not allow my adult children in that room?