Help i want to leave my DH beause of SD

[jaynel]

I really need some advice, My dh amd i have been together for 6 years and have been married for 2 years this month. I love my dh very much but i just cant cope with his baggage any more. I have a dd from a previous relationship but she doesnt see her dad and my dh has taken her on as his own she is 8, my sd is 9 and we have a ds together who is 20 months, it may sound like we have a perfect family but we dont. My sd is very nasty to my dd, she picks on her all the time, she is very good with my ds but she is not happy with me and her dad being together, she lies all the time and if we are talking she is always there listening and spying. she told my sister in law last juky (on my birthday) that all is wants is for her mum and dad to get back together, she was 2 years old when her mum threw him out because she was seening someone else so im not sure she even remembers them togther. i have tried being her friend but she doesnt want to know. we have her every weekend,sometimes even in the week and most of the school holidays, we take her on holiday with us, she gets treated the same as the others but she is so diffucult, we even went througha stage of her crying all wekend long because she didnt want to be with us but her mum. we had her living with us for just over a month and she hated it, she thought she was never going to live with her mum again but i have a long chat with her told her she will be back with her mum very soon, she old her mum i said she had to live with us forever. My dh mum parents, treat her like an angel, they spoil her rotten, my dd always gets pushed aside when they are around, they told my sd that my dd are there step parents and my dh is her sd, of course my sd told my dd so i had a lot of explaining to do. now for the ex, she is a part time mum who thinks the weekend are her time, huh. she texts him almost every night always about 10pm when we are in bed, or rings him for stupid things. she always asks for more money when she gets plenty, we also buy her a lot. she asks to borrow big amounts of money and she always asks my dh to look at her car. i knew what it would be like when we got together but i really cant cope anymore, im so depressed and cant be bothered to talk to my dh. we argue about it all the time, he says he does stuff for his ex for a quite life, it feels like he would rather make her happy than me. every time i metion there names we argue. i cant cope anymore. i cant even buy anything for my dd without him moaning at me for not buy for his daughter.what do i do.

I really feel for you jaynel - what a terrible situation to be in. Are you able to speak to dsd's mother about her behaviour? Ideally this should come from your dh, but it sounds like you don't feel this would work. Have you tried talking to dh lately and explaining how you feel?

You need to have a long chat with your dh. If it were me, I think I would then try to talk to your dsd together so as to present a united front. At 9, she is old enough to understand cause and consequences and that her behaviour is unacceptable. If she didn't buck up, I would refuse to have her on the next weekend (assuming you can get dh to agree). If the ex has to have her at weekends, you might find that she also gets behind you. I think this is about setting rules for behaviour in your house. It is difficult to do at a later stage, but provided dh and you stick together, I don't see why it wouldn't work...

Just to add, that my dsd is 8 and also a total nightmare a lot of the time. She plays up, constantly phones her mum, and can be rude and very difficult. The problem stems from the fact that her mother does not encourage dsd'd relationship with my dh (her dad) and naturally dsd picks up on her mothers own feelings towards him.

We just have to grin and bear it really - my dh deals with her when she needs pulling up on the way she has behaved, and tells her mother. However, there is not much more he can do. I understand your comments about your dh 'wanting an easy life' completely. My dh is only to aware that his ex can (and will) make access very difficult if she wants to, and he will put up with a lot of crap to ensure that he stays in contact with his dd. I don't know if that is the case for your dh, but sadly there are an awful lot of ex-partners out there who continue to use their children as weapons in relationships with their ex's.

Is she living with you at the moment? Why a month? What's happening?
Why is it so awful that she said your dd's stepfather is her stepfather? It's true. I hope she didn't get told off for that. YOu can't rewrite biology. A stepfather or mother relationship can be wonderful. I imagine she feels very upset that your daughter has all this time with HER dad. She sounds painfully insecure and I can see why tbh. re your dh's relationship with his ex, does he feel guilty because his daughter is so unhappy? I am sure it is nothing to do with not valuing you at all. I think you need to stop taking it personally. Could you try to agree a reasonable amount of money that his ex will get every month for his daughter and stick to that and ask him to switch off his phone at 9.30pm. I think you need to think that your stepdaughter is unhappy, not evil. Nobody seems to want her very much.

i have tried talking to him and he just says how do i think he feels he is stuck in the middle, which is true, but i need reasurance. he does tell her off for being rude and nasty, she is even rude to my family. My dh has spoken to her mum but she lets her get away with everything and she isnt bothered as long as she is happy she doesnt care, she doesnt like me anyway, she made my life very difficult when we first got together, she doesnt realise how luck she is. if her mum wants something and we dont give it, she threatens my dh by saying she is moving away or he cant see his dd, but thats crap because she couldnt cope without us, i do more for my sd than she does and she has even admitted that she couldnt cope without me.

i dont think she is evil, but i do a lot for her so i want her to respect me, and i think if you were told that your dad was your step dad out of the blue you would be very upset, it is not a 9 year olds place to say anything, i dont blame her for that i blamed her grandma. she lived with us for a month because her mum got kicked out of her flat and had to wait a month for a new one.

Sorry but the fact that your daughter found out the truth about her relationship with your husband wasn't your stepdaughter's fault, or even her grandmother's fault, that was your fault. You should have always been clear with your daughter that her husband is her stepfather. Deceiving her was wrong, and expecting a child - your husband's biological daughter - to maintain that lie, was even more wrong. She would have found out eventually! It is also a way of pushing his daughter out of the family even more. Who doesn't realise how lucky she is? A little girl of nine who isn't wanted by her mother or her stepmother? Doesn't sound very lucky to me.
I am a stepmother myself btw, and have had my stepdaughter in my family since she was six. She is now 15 and I love her. Have you ever told your stepdaughter you love her?

God it must be so hard for you..what a tough position.
Sounds like your dh's ex is not helping matters and I would second the advice about turning the phone off after a certain time of night.
But I also feel sorry for your dsd-- to be told that she was coming to live somewhere for ever against her will is a very hard thing to bear.
Have you thought of getting some kind of family therapy?

You are an adult, she is a young child. Can you not put yourself in her shoes?

I am only nine, but I live with my mum who doesn't seem to really want me. Recently I was forced to go an life with my dad and my stepmother for a month, even though I knew my stepmother doesn't want me either. My stepmother has a daughter about my age, and they pretend that she is my dad's daughter, but she isn't, and when I said so, I got really told off and told it wasn't my place to say anything, but he's MY dad! It's not fair, she gets to see him all the time. I have a lovely little baby brother and I miss him when I can't see him either. Everyone else has just one home but I'm always having to be moved around like a parcel. I know I'm not always easy to live with, but I'm really sad and nobody seems to really love me.

aloha you have me all wrong and you have no right to judge me, i have never said i dont want my sd with us, i treat her as one of my own when she is here but she throws it right back at me. she never got told off for telling my daughter HER dad is her sd but yes we did have words with his mother. do u have a child with a man that does not want to see that child? if not you have no right to tell me i was decieving my dd, you tell me when is the right time to tell a child that her real father left her when she was 6 months old and hasnt been in contact since. i think my dd should be the one who is having the problems, not a little girl that gets spoilt everywhere she goes!

and your right i am the adult and she is the child, when i was a child i was taught to respect my elders. the girls share a room, when they go to bed i kiss them both and say i love you to both!

i dont see why she has a stable home when she comes to us, we dont push her out, i just want her to be a nice girl and stop trying to cause problems in my home.

To be absolutely honest, you sound as if you really dislike your stepdaughter, and she will feel that. And yes, I'm afraid I do think it was a big mistake not to be honest with your daughter as to who her real father was. It must have been very wierd for your stepdaughter too - how on earth did she understand the small age gap between herself and your daughter? Where a family is not the traditional mum dad and kids set up then I think it is even more important to be totally honest with everyone as to who everyone's mum and dad really is and not build it on a foundation of deceit, no matter how well meant. And I'm afraid you do sound angry with her for telling your daughter, but you should never expect a child to keep adult secrets IMO.
I think harping on about respect is such a mistake too. It sounds so cold. She really does sound so sad. You report her crying all weekend as it that is another fault in her -she was a child, crying.

And it should be HER home too. She will 'cause problems' because she is very unhappy and insecure.

Her 'listening and spying' as you put it (rather meanly) is another sign on insecurity. Think about it. She's discovered this huge lie at the heart of her family life, maybe that's why she is 'spying'. Have you sat down with her and talking about the pretence about her dad also being your daughter's dad? Have you talked to both of them about their relationship, especially as they now know they are not biologically related. Obviously their relationship needs work, but that involves all the family not just your stepdaughter turning into 'a nice girl', whatever that means.

this tread is about my problem withy my sd NOT my dd, a child at the age of 8 does not need to know that the man she thinks is her dad is actualy her step dad. i have not decied her just tried to protect. and i dont hate my sd i just dont love her as i do my own. i obviously need to get out of this relationship because im obviously the bad one.

your step daughter obviously gave you no problems did she aloha

Well, obviously she did need to know, because she knows now! It was a mistake, even if you meant it for the best. HOnesty is always best. Adopted children should know their parents are not their biological parents. It doesn't mean they aren't loved.
And I think you need to address the issue now as it is all in the open and I'm sure both your daughter and stepdaughter wonder who they stand regarding each other. You seem to be saying that what you most dislike about your stepdaughter is that she isn't nice to her stepsister. How does your daughter feel about her? Can't you see that your stepdaughter might feel huge amounts of sadness and jealousy that your daughter spends all her time with HER dad and doesn't have to move from one home to another? What are you and your dh doing to help them have a happier relationship?
You seem to want your stepdaughter to be a different person. I am suggesting that if you want her behaviour to change, that might involve looking at the role of the whole family in that, and how you can make her happier.

I don't think the op is being unreasonable. It sounds like she has made an effort. I understand your point, Aloha, but there comes a time when you have to accept that no matter what you do, you can't change the way things were. It sounds as though the only thing which would make the dsd happy is if her parents were to get back together which clearly isn't going to happen at this stage.

I also think that people can't go around inflicting their bad moods on other people all the time. We all have to learn self-discipline and social skills and 9 is old enough to appreciate that behaviour isn't acceptable. Plus, why should the op's daughter be made to suffer because her mum should indulge the dsd? You might not be able to do much about the root causes of the behaviour/unhappiness, but you can certainly control its consequences within your own home...

for god sake, we do everything for her, we are a family when she is here, we are all going on hoilday for two weeks together,we go on day trips together. what more do i have to do, all she wants is for me and her dad to split up. and he isnt just HER dad, he is my childrens dad to.

Speaking as a sd, I can only say...
Listen to everything Aloha has said.

Actually, when I got together with my dh, my stepdaughter did listen to our conversations all the time. It is a sign that she was uncertain and insecure and worried about her position in this scary new set up. So we let her listen! If we wanted to have a specifically adult conversation, we'd have it when she wasn't there, or in bed. WE tried to be very open with her about everything - no secrets. I had to be very tolerant sometimes, but also to realise that she was there first, that she was the only one with no say in anything - in her parents splitting up, in her father starting a new relationship - anything. I made a huge fuss of her, got down on the floor and played Barbies for hours. Gave her a lot of time one on one with her dad. Kept reminding myself that I was the adult and she was the child. When I first got pregnant she was very upset, and I could understand that too. It was hard for her as again, she could see things changing but didn't know where she stood. I told her that I could understand.
I spent part of my wedding night cuddled up in bed with my stepdaughter because I wanted her so much to feel part of the family, not an outsider. My experience is that you have to work hard at it, not take things personally, enjoy this person in your life and see her emotions for what they are - sadness, confusion, worry - not some attack on you. You need to respect her!

Sorry Mumpbump, but this isn't just the OP's home, it's this girl's home and her father's home too.

I think people have different experiences which affect the way they interpret situations.

I know my dsd gave us a couple of months of hell when we moved in together and she would only behave if I got involved as she was able to manipulate dh because of his guilt over leaving his children. When she was given an alternative that she really didn't like, she started to behave a lot better and is now a lovely little girl.

You can never fully understand someone's situation without living it, but I do have sympathy with Jayne based on my own experience.