Help i want to leave my DH beause of SD

[jaynel]

I really need some advice, My dh amd i have been together for 6 years and have been married for 2 years this month. I love my dh very much but i just cant cope with his baggage any more. I have a dd from a previous relationship but she doesnt see her dad and my dh has taken her on as his own she is 8, my sd is 9 and we have a ds together who is 20 months, it may sound like we have a perfect family but we dont. My sd is very nasty to my dd, she picks on her all the time, she is very good with my ds but she is not happy with me and her dad being together, she lies all the time and if we are talking she is always there listening and spying. she told my sister in law last juky (on my birthday) that all is wants is for her mum and dad to get back together, she was 2 years old when her mum threw him out because she was seening someone else so im not sure she even remembers them togther. i have tried being her friend but she doesnt want to know. we have her every weekend,sometimes even in the week and most of the school holidays, we take her on holiday with us, she gets treated the same as the others but she is so diffucult, we even went througha stage of her crying all wekend long because she didnt want to be with us but her mum. we had her living with us for just over a month and she hated it, she thought she was never going to live with her mum again but i have a long chat with her told her she will be back with her mum very soon, she old her mum i said she had to live with us forever. My dh mum parents, treat her like an angel, they spoil her rotten, my dd always gets pushed aside when they are around, they told my sd that my dd are there step parents and my dh is her sd, of course my sd told my dd so i had a lot of explaining to do. now for the ex, she is a part time mum who thinks the weekend are her time, huh. she texts him almost every night always about 10pm when we are in bed, or rings him for stupid things. she always asks for more money when she gets plenty, we also buy her a lot. she asks to borrow big amounts of money and she always asks my dh to look at her car. i knew what it would be like when we got together but i really cant cope anymore, im so depressed and cant be bothered to talk to my dh. we argue about it all the time, he says he does stuff for his ex for a quite life, it feels like he would rather make her happy than me. every time i metion there names we argue. i cant cope anymore. i cant even buy anything for my dd without him moaning at me for not buy for his daughter.what do i do.

I don't even understand what this little girl has done that is so terrible, tbh.

There needs to be some balance here. Aloha is right in lots of what she is saying. Jaynel you have to accept that your dsd's behaviour(which sounds very difficult) is not totally of her own making. She is reacting to stuff that is making her feel angry and insecure.
Is there anything that you could do to help her feel less angry and insecure? Could she spend some more one-on-one time with her dad, alone? Is there an activity or interest that you could do with her?
Her life does sound like shit tbh. Have you ever talked to her about what she wants or how she would like the family set-up to be? That could be a good opportunity to confirm to her that you are not going to split up with your dh but that you would like her imput into making a happier family situation.

Take a step back and stop being so defensive, you can handle this situation.

I wouldn't be happy in your place.

I wouldn't appreciate my dd being pushed aside by dh's parents and some other things you mentioned would bother me too.

Do you want to stay with this man? If these problems weren't there, do you think you'd be happy together?

If I'd done all I was prepared to do to sort things out and have a harmonious life and felt that dh was not helping me, I would seriously consider what life without him would be like. I think being me, I would look at a trial seperation. However, I am not you and you really need to know how unhappy you are and where you want to go from here.

TBH, I agree it sounds like she is suffering from being usurped from her place as daddy's little girl, but again, you can't easily change that and if you've given lots of time, love and sympathy already over a long period of time, what more are you meant to do?

Batters - do you think the root cause is because another girl of similar age is living with him pretending to be his real daughter then? If so, I think you might have a point and I guess that would explain why she decided to enlighten the op's dd. Problem is, I still don't see how you can solve the root cause...

Any practical suggestions??

Sorry - last question addressed to the world at large, not just Batters...

Speaking as a step-daughter, I think Aloha is very wise (and we've clashed on step-parenting threads before, so I'm not just sucking up!).

Jaynel, you are stuck in the middle of this situation, and sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees. What I can see from your post, as an outsider, is that there is a very unhappy little girl here. She doesn't know what is true and what's not in her family. The big secret about your dd's relationship to your dh - your step dd's father - will have made her wonder what other lies the adults are telling. She's only 9, she doesn't understand the full context, all she can see (I imagine) is a big fat lie about something very important to her - who her daddy is. Because he isn't your dd's biological dad and you've been pretending about that, no doubt from very good motives, but now the lie has been exposed. And I bet she's picked up that you think her dad is 'moaning' and being unreasonable when he wants to buy things for her as well as for your dd.

I think you should try acting as if you like your step dd for a little while. Just as an experiment. Treat her as if she's special to you. Give her some affection and some time on her own with her dad. It might take a while for her to warm to you after all this disruption and dislike. But if you keep going, you might start to really feel that you like her - might discover things about her that you actually do like - and she might start to be positive about you too. Everybody wins - she has a better time, you have a better time, your dh, dd and ds too.

Don't forget, if you do leave your dh, he may find a new partner. And then your dd and ds will have a stepmother too. How would you want a stepmother to treat them?

Agree with Aloha really. I do think that not tellig your dd the truth about her father was a big mistake, both for your dd- and for your sd- who will be wondering why another little girl has taken her place. She's a child, and sounds terribly insecure. Gparents sound as if they haven't helped but presumably they felt some injustice was being done.

I suppose you need to look at ways of moving on- it sounds a terrible mess. However you decide to do it absolute honesty is essential though.

i have tried for 6 years, ive told her i dont want to be her mother, i want to be her friend, ive had lots of long chats with her, ive given her kisses and cuddles but nothing has worked. she is infulenced by her mother and i dont stand a chance.

Whatever happens, wait until your dsd has moved back to her mum's. At the moment, you're probably at the end of your tether. Once she is living with her mum, it will at least minimise the amount of time she spends with your dd. If you have a son with your dh, I don't think leaving him is the right answer. Nor is the upheaval likely to be good for either your dsd or dd, especially if your dd has a good relationship with your dh...

Bet she knows you don't like her - it screams out of the OP. And resent her for things that deserve pity, not contempt, such as crying for her mum or being scared that she will never live with her mum again.

what do you mean by her fathers lie, he has not lied about anything, as far as we are concerned he is my dd dad, have you never heard the saying it takes a man to be a father and a real man to be a dad. he never pushes her away and he would have her living with us if he could. if she did live with us that would probably be easier and we would get on better because she would have only 1 set of rules

Once dsd is back at her mums, you and dh need to have a proper talk about how you are feeling. Whatever happens, the 2 of you need to put on a united front with reagrds to your dsd. I agree with the other posts that she is probably very insecure and feels jealous of your other children.

Once the two of you have talked, what about involving dsd'd mum? You dh needs to explain to her, your concerns about dd's behaviour and the underlying reasons for this.

I hope the 3 of you can work together to sort things out for all of you.

i am trying to be a good step mum, like i said before i treat her as my one of my own when she is here.

But that is a convenient way of looking at it for you Jaynel. Biologically he is not your dd's father, you can't change that. It doesn't mean that he isn't a great dad to her and the only one she knows but it is not you dsd's fault that your dd's birth-father has rejected her.

You kept it a secret from your dd, why? Why is it important, if it makes no difference? Of course your dsd is going to be peeved that her dad, her real biological dad, is pretending to be the biological dad of a girl almost the same age as her.

my sd knows that my dd isnt my dh real daughter, as she has mentioned it a few times before. My dh is going to adopt my dd so i didnt feel the need to tell an 8 year old that the man she things is her dad isnt. my sd is not pushed aside when she is here, but she she has gone i feel very worn out and tried as ive had to play referee all weekend, maybe she is jelous but my dh does do one2one with her.

i love my dh and i care for my sd but i want to be happy, i knew he had a dd when i met him and i never had a problem with it, i just expected her to get along with me after 6 years. her mother uses her as a weapon and she see that, who know what her mother is saying to her when im not around. im not the bad one, i think i have taken on a hell of a lot over the last 6 years.

I can imagine you have too and I can understand feeling depressed the way things are.

so what does your dp's ex actually want then (if you feel it is her behaviour that lies behind your dsd not accepting you and the family set-up)?

I just want to say that as a step-mother too I do know how difficult it can be and in my experience if you feel you have done all you can do, you must hand over to your dh to try to sort it out now.

thank u ssshakethechi, im asking for advise not judgement on my parenting skills