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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Help i want to leave my DH beause of SD

157 replies

jaynel · 20/02/2007 13:09

I really need some advice, My dh amd i have been together for 6 years and have been married for 2 years this month. I love my dh very much but i just cant cope with his baggage any more. I have a dd from a previous relationship but she doesnt see her dad and my dh has taken her on as his own she is 8, my sd is 9 and we have a ds together who is 20 months, it may sound like we have a perfect family but we dont. My sd is very nasty to my dd, she picks on her all the time, she is very good with my ds but she is not happy with me and her dad being together, she lies all the time and if we are talking she is always there listening and spying. she told my sister in law last juky (on my birthday) that all is wants is for her mum and dad to get back together, she was 2 years old when her mum threw him out because she was seening someone else so im not sure she even remembers them togther. i have tried being her friend but she doesnt want to know. we have her every weekend,sometimes even in the week and most of the school holidays, we take her on holiday with us, she gets treated the same as the others but she is so diffucult, we even went througha stage of her crying all wekend long because she didnt want to be with us but her mum. we had her living with us for just over a month and she hated it, she thought she was never going to live with her mum again but i have a long chat with her told her she will be back with her mum very soon, she old her mum i said she had to live with us forever. My dh mum parents, treat her like an angel, they spoil her rotten, my dd always gets pushed aside when they are around, they told my sd that my dd are there step parents and my dh is her sd, of course my sd told my dd so i had a lot of explaining to do. now for the ex, she is a part time mum who thinks the weekend are her time, huh. she texts him almost every night always about 10pm when we are in bed, or rings him for stupid things. she always asks for more money when she gets plenty, we also buy her a lot. she asks to borrow big amounts of money and she always asks my dh to look at her car. i knew what it would be like when we got together but i really cant cope anymore, im so depressed and cant be bothered to talk to my dh. we argue about it all the time, he says he does stuff for his ex for a quite life, it feels like he would rather make her happy than me. every time i metion there names we argue. i cant cope anymore. i cant even buy anything for my dd without him moaning at me for not buy for his daughter.what do i do.

OP posts:

Aloha · 21/02/2007 00:02

Please don't take this out on her. She is just a child. The same age as your daughter - you know, the one who was too young to know who her dad was. Just as young as that. Crying doesn't make her a bad person, not keeping your secrets doesn't make her a bad person, being anxious and afraid and insecure doesn't make her a bad person.

Original poster

jaynel · 21/02/2007 00:02

erm im not saying i am perfect that is why im asking for advise!!! but you have no right saying u feel sorry for my kids because here is nothing wrong with me or them, i just struggle with trying to be a parent to somebody elses child is that so fucking bad

OP posts:

Jimjams2 · 21/02/2007 00:03

The she reallly has no-one. No wonder she's difficult.

I do think you need to start with the lie (and it was a lie), and try and unravel it all back if you want to make things better. It's time for the whole truth etc, without big family secrets, ehtn maybe things can begin to get a little happier. For your dd and your sd.

Aloha · 21/02/2007 00:03

And if her mum isn't very loving towards her, that's going to make her sad too!

Aloha · 21/02/2007 00:04

If you persist in thinking you are perfect, you can never change.

Original poster

jaynel · 21/02/2007 00:05

beckybrastraps im not having a go thank u for the advise, i just think some people are being dame right rude, i am a good parent just find being a step parent a bit difficult

OP posts:

Aloha · 21/02/2007 00:06

God, I'm not a perfect parent to my children. If something is going wrong at home, I look to my OWN behaviour first to put it right. I am astonished that you cannot see how this long-term secret might have damaged your family and amazed you want to blame anyone but yourself.

Original poster

jaynel · 21/02/2007 00:09

why should i blame myself, in my eyes my dd is her dad,her is the one who has brought her up, its not a lie or a secret buts he know now anyway and she is fine about, she was very GROWN UP about it

OP posts:

Tortington · 21/02/2007 00:11

being a step parent must be very difficult i would imagine. it must be hard despite your reasonable brain saying 'she's only a child' not to react to parrott fashion statements straight from mothers mouth.

you have the problem of the secret. you either tell your dd - or it will come out. i think its best you tell her.

the SD gets limited time i assume with you as a family. she is probably very jealous of your family unit. i am sure you recognise this dont you? i think your dh needs to spend alone time with his dd sometime during her visit. i think that you also need to spend alone time with her doing an organised activity. a 'dd swap' with your dh.

Original poster

jaynel · 21/02/2007 00:12

i dont take anything out on my sd, i just do my best to get along with her but she isnt interested, what more can i do

OP posts:

beckybrastraps · 21/02/2007 00:13

Jaynel, I know where you are coming from, but it isn't just what you think, or what your dh thinks, or even what your dd thinks. It is the attitude of the whole family that makes it a reality. My dad's parents were my grandparents, not my step grandparents, my brother and sister are my brother and sister, not my half brother and sister. It really is important.

Original poster

jaynel · 21/02/2007 00:17

yes beckybrastraps i agree,they are all brother and sister as far as im concerned, but she wont allow me to get close to her, i have tried. Spend one2one time with her is hard as i work weekends and i have her others around all the time, but say if i go to tesco or i pop out somewhere,if i ask her to come she doesnt want to, i cant drag her and force her to get along with me, i wouldnt make her do anything because she has a mum who she dotes on and im not going to try an take her place

OP posts:

Tortington · 21/02/2007 00:20

hay babe. the reason i think everyone is getting a bit pissed off at you ( and i say this with love) is becuase your not open to advice.

perhaps if you cant force her out of the house you could encourage her gradually over time to help you do something - like decorate fairy cakes for her mum? or some other such activity which would achieve the same result which you could think of which would fit in with your lifestyle.

Original poster

jaynel · 21/02/2007 00:23

i do want advice but some people are making me out to be a bad person, i just want people to advise me on how i can make all my family happy and get along, if i didnt care about my sd i would never have got involved with my dh

OP posts:

Tortington · 21/02/2007 00:25

great. lets hope fairy cakes are on the menu in your house for your sd next time. a nice prezzie for her mum.

Original poster

jaynel · 21/02/2007 00:26

i will try what you said custardo, maybe it will work, maybe it wont, but there is no harm in trying

OP posts:

Tortington · 21/02/2007 00:32

wonderful! well done you!

bluejelly · 21/02/2007 11:02

I really think a skilled family therapist could help out here. What's done is done ( re the secret) at least it is all out in the open now.
The step family dynamic is really hard. I remember being absolutely horrible to my step dad for no reason.
And my dd was really stroppy with my boyfriend for ages. Things are a lot better now.., with love and commitment and support you can move this situation forward.
How can you make your sd feel included and welcome and happy?
It's going to take a big effort, but the rewards ( a happy family) must be worth it.

Have you read any books on step-parenting? I think there are associations that can help. And i would seriously look into family therapy. What have you got to lose?

Caligula · 21/02/2007 11:38

jaynel I think the problem is that you aren't accepting the reality of being a step-parent, which is that you really shouldn't expect anything back from a step child. A friend of mine who is a SM and now has grown up step-kids with whom she has a fantastic relationship, said about her role as SM: "I knew that when I took on the job, I'd be lucky if they were polite to me by the time they were twenty. But I just thought my job as their SM was to make damn sure that I didn't contribute to any of the damage they'd already suffered from their parent's divorce."

You're dealing with a really, really damaged little girl. And I'm sorry, but I think your behaviour towards her has contibuted to some of that damage. You don't have to keep damaging her though, you can help her heal. The first step in doing that, is to accept responsibility for your behaviour and attitude, and think about how you can contribute to her growing into a healthy, happy, self-confident person with lots of self-esteem. To paraphrase JFK "Ask not what she can give to you, ask what you can do for her". Don't expect anything back from her, that is unreasonable and unrealistic - she owes you nothing, but you, as the adult who lives with her father, owe her a lot. If she eventually likes or loves you, it's a bonus, but to expect it, is to set yourself up for disappointment.

If it's any comfort, my friend had a terrible time with her SK's. They were perfectly horrible to her. There were times when she felt like ending the relationship. But for her, it always came back to the fact that she loves her DH and that she was the adult, they were the children, she was the one who had to do all the running. Unfair, unreasonable, but that's life. And now that they're adults in their twenties, they look back and really, really understand what a great SM she was and is, and are loving and fiercely protective of her place in the family. Twelve years ago, she would never have anticipated such a turn-around. It's happened because she made it happen. And you can too, if you want to.

Surfermum · 21/02/2007 13:33

You said you weren't given a manual on being a step-parent. I found the Relate Guide to Step-Families really helpful. Might be worth a read.

anniemac · 21/02/2007 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bluejelly · 21/02/2007 13:40

Good post caligula

bluejelly · 21/02/2007 13:41

And anniemac

Original poster

jaynel · 21/02/2007 16:43

thank u caligula and anniemac, thank you for your advice it's helped a lot more than some of the others. i may come across harsh but i really am not, if i didnt care, i wouldnt be here, i would never leave my dh i love him too much, and i want us to all be happy, i just get really bad days sometimes. thanks again

OP posts:

BandofMothers · 21/02/2007 20:09

Does your sd know that your dh is going to adopt your dd. That may also be making her jealous, and may certainly make her feel more pushed out.
Perhaps, as you plan on staying for the long haul, have you thought of adopting your sd???
If you are allowed with her mum in the pic still. I don't know how it works, but it may show her that you really do accept her in your family. I think it's true that she feels more of an outsider simply because she's not always there with you all. Adopting her, if it's possible, may make her feel she really belongs.
You can all sit together and discuss it, then she may also feel a part of the process.
My step dad, always favoured his dc's, my little bro and sister, above me and my big bro.(am NOT implying you do that) And we hated him. It's hard being the step child. If anything happened it was always me and my bro's fault, NEVER his children.

On the bright side, I have always considered my little bro and sister as full siblings, they have never been half blood to us. We are very close. Now my big bro is 32 and little bro 22.
Hang in there. She will eventually realise that you treat her well and with love, and that that is what is important.

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