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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Help i want to leave my DH beause of SD

157 replies

jaynel · 20/02/2007 13:09

I really need some advice, My dh amd i have been together for 6 years and have been married for 2 years this month. I love my dh very much but i just cant cope with his baggage any more. I have a dd from a previous relationship but she doesnt see her dad and my dh has taken her on as his own she is 8, my sd is 9 and we have a ds together who is 20 months, it may sound like we have a perfect family but we dont. My sd is very nasty to my dd, she picks on her all the time, she is very good with my ds but she is not happy with me and her dad being together, she lies all the time and if we are talking she is always there listening and spying. she told my sister in law last juky (on my birthday) that all is wants is for her mum and dad to get back together, she was 2 years old when her mum threw him out because she was seening someone else so im not sure she even remembers them togther. i have tried being her friend but she doesnt want to know. we have her every weekend,sometimes even in the week and most of the school holidays, we take her on holiday with us, she gets treated the same as the others but she is so diffucult, we even went througha stage of her crying all wekend long because she didnt want to be with us but her mum. we had her living with us for just over a month and she hated it, she thought she was never going to live with her mum again but i have a long chat with her told her she will be back with her mum very soon, she old her mum i said she had to live with us forever. My dh mum parents, treat her like an angel, they spoil her rotten, my dd always gets pushed aside when they are around, they told my sd that my dd are there step parents and my dh is her sd, of course my sd told my dd so i had a lot of explaining to do. now for the ex, she is a part time mum who thinks the weekend are her time, huh. she texts him almost every night always about 10pm when we are in bed, or rings him for stupid things. she always asks for more money when she gets plenty, we also buy her a lot. she asks to borrow big amounts of money and she always asks my dh to look at her car. i knew what it would be like when we got together but i really cant cope anymore, im so depressed and cant be bothered to talk to my dh. we argue about it all the time, he says he does stuff for his ex for a quite life, it feels like he would rather make her happy than me. every time i metion there names we argue. i cant cope anymore. i cant even buy anything for my dd without him moaning at me for not buy for his daughter.what do i do.

OP posts:
Aloha · 20/02/2007 23:29

Well you don't. YOu talk about it from her earliest childhood. You do not expect another child to keep your strange secrets.

Aloha · 20/02/2007 23:29

Well you don't. YOu talk about it from her earliest childhood. You do not expect another child to keep your strange secrets.

colditz · 20/02/2007 23:29

Would you expect your own, biological daughter to put up with this? If so, you have a clear conscience. If not, you know what you need to do really.

Aloha · 20/02/2007 23:29

And your stepdaughter is just as much a 'little girl' as your daughter.

beckybrastraps · 20/02/2007 23:30

Did you honestly think it would get easier as she got older? I was never told. I always knew. No secrets.

colditz · 20/02/2007 23:30

You sit her down and explain a little basic genetics. He's still daddy, he's still the one who raised her, and I fail to see how any of this is a nine year old little girl's problem.

Aloha · 20/02/2007 23:31

I am astonished - gobsmacked - that your stepdaughter's mother put up with this! If dh and I split up and he got together with someone else and my little two year old was told that someone else's child was my dh's daughter and that she was not allowed to mention the truth in my house...well, I'd think the stepmother was mad, tbh.

TerraCloud · 20/02/2007 23:31

unfortunately the bm won't go away. It is not fair, but you have to accept that it is what it is.

It is not your DSD's fault that her bm is using her as a manipulation tool. All you can do is be patient with your DSD and keep at it. Being the stepmom is not an easy and it is often v thankless. Mom will always be mom. Keep trying to make her feel secure, welcomed and loved. She will eventually come around. 9 is a tough age for little girls. Your DSD has a lot on her plate and sounds like she is very confused/scared with her emotions. Again, try to think how it would be if it were 'your' dd in your dsd's position... what would you do to try to assure your dd that she is loved?

Jimjams2 · 20/02/2007 23:33

I think you need to make sure the question never comes up by it always having been known. Same as is advised for people adopting. Although admitedly a bit late for that now and better to think about moving forwards. I do wonder whether letting your sd know that you made a mistake in your handling of that might help. Somehow you need to think of a way of letting her know that she is first and foremost the only biological dd of your dh, without upsetting your dd. Not an easy one, but it might well be important to her.

Original poster
jaynel · 20/02/2007 23:34

we have never said anything to my sd she has known from the start, she used to say things about it when they were little but my dd was to young to understand what she ment, i have never told her to keep it a secret, she has just not mentioned it, how is that making her keep a secret.

OP posts:
colditz · 20/02/2007 23:35

So

what are you going to do about the situation, do you think?

Jimjams2 · 20/02/2007 23:36

and you forgot to tell your dd that dh wasn't her biological father? That's how it became a secret.

Aloha · 20/02/2007 23:37

Oh come on, it was clearly a big family secret. If it wasn't how come there was a huge hoo-ha when it came out? Your dd didn't know the truth so it was a secret. You expected your stepdaughter never to tell her, so it was a secret. You were angry with your stepdaughter and her grandmother when they did nothing but state a simple truth. I can't think of a clearer example of a secret. But it's happened now, and you need to deal with the fallout and consider why you think your daughter needs more protecting than your stepdaughter of the same age.

Aloha · 20/02/2007 23:39

I also dont' get why you blame this nine year old for everything her mother does.It's not her fault, you know.

beckybrastraps · 20/02/2007 23:40

Now that is a tricky one for me Jimjams. My situation is different to jaynel's dd, as my dad didn't have any children before me, and my brother and sister are the biological children of both my mum and my dad. It is hugely important to me that there is no distinction between me and my (half - but I never think of it that way) siblings. If jaynel's dh is really the dad of her dd, then the distinction may be very difficult for her to cope with. Perhaps integration isn't possible in this situation. I don't know.

Original poster
jaynel · 20/02/2007 23:42

this is stupid you arent listening to me, i have never kept a secret, i just choose to not tell my dd, my sd has seen photos of her mum and dad together, my dd has only seen photos of us all together. my sd may have already said something to her i dont know but the day she said her grandma told her about being step parents was a bit of a shock, i didnt expect it to happen like that

OP posts:
Original poster
jaynel · 20/02/2007 23:43

i dont blame her for anything, all i have said is she is influenced by her mother

OP posts:
Jimjams2 · 20/02/2007 23:43

Yes- that's the problem becky- quite- not sure how it can be resolved really, it should never have arisen. But I can see why the sd is going to be pissed off with the dd. Of course she will, she's taken her place. I guess the dd will have her own things to work through as well now. A big shock.

How are you going to resolve it jaynel? It's very tricky.

beckybrastraps · 20/02/2007 23:44

Come on.

She didn't know the truth. You did, and didn't tell her. That's what a secret is...

Jimjams2 · 20/02/2007 23:44

sounds like a secret to me.

colditz · 20/02/2007 23:44

What are you going to do about the situation with your step daughter? From what you have posted, it seems she is a very worried, unhappy little girl.

Aloha · 20/02/2007 23:45

You can keep a secret just as effectively by not saying something as by lying. If you were adopted and assumed you were your parents biological child and they never said anything, that would be a secret. The fact that you were angry and upset when the truth came out proves that you were keeping a secret. And the fact that you are still angry with your dd's family proves that you expected them to keep the secret too. it was not a good idea, and it was potentially very harmful to your dh's daughter to expect her to keep this secret. But as I said, it's out now, and you have to deal with it.

Original poster
jaynel · 20/02/2007 23:45

thta problem has been dealt with i have spoken to my dd about it, she know about her bio dad, but she also knows that my dh is her dad because he is the one that has brought her up

OP posts:
Aloha · 20/02/2007 23:46

YOu said, 'it wasn't her place to say anything'. Sounds like blame and anger to me.

Aloha · 20/02/2007 23:47

Have you spoken to your stepdaughter about it? Have you considered how it might affect their relationship, which is clearly a problem for you?

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