Help i want to leave my DH beause of SD

[jaynel]

I really need some advice, My dh amd i have been together for 6 years and have been married for 2 years this month. I love my dh very much but i just cant cope with his baggage any more. I have a dd from a previous relationship but she doesnt see her dad and my dh has taken her on as his own she is 8, my sd is 9 and we have a ds together who is 20 months, it may sound like we have a perfect family but we dont. My sd is very nasty to my dd, she picks on her all the time, she is very good with my ds but she is not happy with me and her dad being together, she lies all the time and if we are talking she is always there listening and spying. she told my sister in law last juky (on my birthday) that all is wants is for her mum and dad to get back together, she was 2 years old when her mum threw him out because she was seening someone else so im not sure she even remembers them togther. i have tried being her friend but she doesnt want to know. we have her every weekend,sometimes even in the week and most of the school holidays, we take her on holiday with us, she gets treated the same as the others but she is so diffucult, we even went througha stage of her crying all wekend long because she didnt want to be with us but her mum. we had her living with us for just over a month and she hated it, she thought she was never going to live with her mum again but i have a long chat with her told her she will be back with her mum very soon, she old her mum i said she had to live with us forever. My dh mum parents, treat her like an angel, they spoil her rotten, my dd always gets pushed aside when they are around, they told my sd that my dd are there step parents and my dh is her sd, of course my sd told my dd so i had a lot of explaining to do. now for the ex, she is a part time mum who thinks the weekend are her time, huh. she texts him almost every night always about 10pm when we are in bed, or rings him for stupid things. she always asks for more money when she gets plenty, we also buy her a lot. she asks to borrow big amounts of money and she always asks my dh to look at her car. i knew what it would be like when we got together but i really cant cope anymore, im so depressed and cant be bothered to talk to my dh. we argue about it all the time, he says he does stuff for his ex for a quite life, it feels like he would rather make her happy than me. every time i metion there names we argue. i cant cope anymore. i cant even buy anything for my dd without him moaning at me for not buy for his daughter.what do i do.

Seems to me that you don't want any advice or thoughts, you just want people to say that your stepdaughter is horrible!

Aloha - I've agreed with a lot of what you've posted on this thread, but i do think that last comment was a little harsh.

Jaynel - how much time does your dsd get with her dad on her own? It sounds like she is feeling jealous and excluded from your family unit, and her way of dealing with this is to cause problems. Maybe some quality time with just her dad when she visits will help to make her feel important to her dad again.

You say that your dh's ex uses their dd as a weapon, and that you don't know what she is saying behind your back. Sadly, as someone who experiences this too with my dsd, there is nothing you can do about this. There will always be some ex-partners who behave like this and always will. All you can do is make sure that she feels loved and secure when she is with you, and at no time let her pick up on how you feel about her mother.

Yes, I can see it might seem harsh, but let's face it Jaynel has criticised her stepdaughter for crying
"she is so diffucult, we even went througha stage of her crying all wekend long"
For being honest and truthful 'It is not a 9 year olds place to say anything"and for joining in or being insecure
" if we are talking she is always there listening and spying"
She has been offered lots of advice on how to approach her dh including from me, and suggestions on how she might deal with the fallout of the truth coming out about the family, to which she has not responded at all. I think it is a HUGE deal to discover that your sister is not your sister, for example, but Jaynel completely dismisses this. She says she likes this girl but her posts, to me and to others, are full of dislike. I don't think she realises her husband loves his daughter every bit as much as she loves hers, and that he does not want his daughter replaced. Has anyone even talked to this girl about her father adopting another child? To be honest, if I was having this much trouble with my own stepdaughter I think I would look at myself and be prepared to admit I might not be handling this perfectly. Biological mothers do this every day when having problems with their biological children. There seems to be so little affection or empathy here. I am a stepmother myself with a very hostile ex around, so I'm not totally clueless.

jaynel - I am sorry you are going through this. If your DSD is anything like mine, she is also going through that awful 'tween phase. I have been involved in my DSD's life for 4 yrs now. I have held her until she cried herself to sleep because her bm abandoned her and my DSS.

My DH and I do our best to protect them as their bm is now back and a recovering drug addict with a newborn crack addicted baby. Believe me - it is not easy.

The only true advice I can offer is be patient. Put your DD in the place of your DSD and imagine how scared/upset your DD might be. Your DSD might just testing you to see if you do love her unconditionally. She is a scared little girl who is looking for love from you. You are the stable woman in her life. Must be hard for DSD to realize this and wonders why she may not have those feelings for her mom.

I think perseverance and communication are the key here - My DD wanted me and my ex to get back together when she was about 8 or 9 , now she's 11 she understands that that is not going to happen.
Jaynel, to me, you seem to be making all the right noises ie telling her you love her etc - If you carry on in this way, at least when she's older she wont be able to say anything bad about you and your parenting skills. She'll look back on this when she's older with kids of her own and realise what a good step mum you were.
I kind of agree with whoever that said - if you break up with your Dh, he'll meet some one else and then they'll be even more step parents getting involved.... God didnt we have easy lives those of us whose parents never split up?

Jaynel - I was a truly awful bitchy cow of a SD - I did and said things that make me want to curl up and die even 25 years later. I can't begin to describe how horrendous I was and how my SM's life was made hell, so I do really understand how difficult it must be for you. In my case it was all down to a)insecurity - I wasn't sure that I was loved and b)jealousy - if I was loved, it wasn't as much as my Dad loved my SM. Nothing my SM could have said or done would have changed that - but in hindsight I think my Dad could have said and done a lot more, and your DH could maybe think about anything he needs to say or do to make SD happier? Now SM and I are really close and I love her to bits, but that's only down to her endless patience and the passage of time. What I'm trying to say is stick with it!

I think your thread title gives a lot away. Do you really want to make your dh choose between you and your dsd? And what would you think of a man who did abandon his dd because his new partner couldn't get on with her?
I have to say, I agree with all that Aloha has said. Your dsd sounds like a very unhappy, insecure child. Maybe next time you see her, you could try to look at her in those terms and see if it helps you to act and feel a bit more sympathetically towards her. I think most people just want to be loved - it's good that you tell your dsd that you love her - but does your behaviour towards her always tell the same story?

I think Aloha has said it all.

Nobody's saying it is easy. But please don't blame a little girl who is passed from one not very welcoming family to another. Where she has recently (?) learned that what she thought about her family was a lie and that her sister is not her sister. Where she cannot rely on being comforted when she cries or even have a choice in who she lives with. That's all really shit stuff to deal with when you aren't even ten. Yes, her father needs to step in and you both need to COMMUNICATE with this little girl. Talk about the big discovery, talk about this proposed adoption, talk about her role in the family. Your dh should be reassuring her the whole time. It's been less than two years since she got a new little sibling. All this is hugely important. And she is only very young. Can you imagine how you'd feel if your dd had as stepmother who posted about your daughter 'crying all weekend' at her house as if it was something bad? How miserable and angry would that make you feel?

I have to keep reminding myself as I read this that the child involved is only nine . Jaynel in your posts you make her sound like a much, much older girl. You can't allow yourself to dislike a child of nine, you really must get a grip and start assuming the role of an adult in loco parentis, instead of setting this little girl up as a rival in your mind. I feel very sorry for her, especially for her crying all weekend and having her unhappiness dismissed as "difficult" behaviour. Can't you find it within yourself to offer her a bit more kindness? Would you see your own dd as capable of being so manipulative? Your dsd is really not much older and has had a terrible time by the sounds of it.

My dad isn't my biological dad. He was technically my stepfather from the age of around 2 (when he met my mum) to the age of 5, when he formally adopted me. But I always knew, and so there was never any issue. You say that your dd shouldn't have found out aged 8, but your sd is only a year older than that. You also say that 'it's not a 9-year old's place to tell that', but I would suggest that it is not a 9-year old's place to maintain a secret like that at all.

I totally have to agree with what everyone is saying in that look at it as those your daughter or son was in the position of dsd, thats what changed me and now when we have dsk's I always think before I act and its getting easier to feel love for them and not have to put on an act, of course I will always love ds in a different way to dsk's but I would never treat them less than him.

I know how you feel though and it is upsetting but like you said you knew the situation from the word go so please just be patient, for the last few years I've not really had an excellent relationship with dss, he never talked to me or acknowledged me but now, he's still only 8, he's a little more sociable and talks a bit more and I understand its just b'cos he misses his mum, dh and his ex had split up before he was born so he never knew what it was like to have dad living with him, dsd does though and she and I get on great.

What I'm trying to say is, if you are patient and carry on as you do with loving her and treating her like a dd then who knows what it will be like in 6 months time, it could be just a stage she's going through. I'm one to talk though, I posted last night cos I was distraught that dss had told his mum that ds was annoying, but now I know it's just normal 8 year olds, people on here might not say what you want to hear but they mean the best and if they didn't care they wouldn't reply to your post.

All the best hun xx

i dont want anybody to say my sd is horrible because i stick up for all of them, i just want to hear thought from other step parents in my situation. you aloha obviously had it very easy or you coped very well. i cope fine but find it very difficult sometimes it doesnt mean im bad or dont care, but when i try with her all the time and get nothing back, i begin to think im wasting my time.

i think your first sentence in your initial post says it all.

"I love my dh but i cant cope with his baggage any more"

his daughter is 'his baggage'? she's not, she's a small, confused unhappy child. you say you treat her like one of you when she is around. to treat her as though she was one of you is saying she isn't part of your family but you try to make an effort while she's around.

i know this isnt what you want to hear, i'm sorry that you aren't getting what you hoped for here and i can tell you are very unhappy and im sorry about that too, but you just dont see your dh daughter as part of your family. your resentment of his 'baggage' comes through clear as a bell and until you take a good look at yourself and are able to admit the painful truth to yourself, you wont be able to solve this. i think you are a good person, or you wouldnt be trying, or feeling all this angst, but you need to stop fooling yourself that this is your stepdaughters fault, because it isnt. she is being let down by all the adults in her life. you guys are all she has in the world. you owe her more than this. dont try to make her 'feel like' part of the family. make her a part of the family.

"when i try with her all the time and get nothing back, i begin to think im wasting my time".

Try - if only for a few weeks - not to expect anything back. Try to concentrate on making your sd feel like part of your family - as, indeed, she is. Maybe, as she starts to feel more secure and wanted, you might start to find that her behaviour changes too.

aloha my sd knows that my dd isnt her real sister, she has always known that, but she has never said anytging about it before infront of my dd. you are making me out to be a bad person i am not, your reading what you want to read, i was never given a manual on step parenting, and i have never once said i want my dh to choose between me and my sd. i just feel very down at the moment and feel walking away from the relationship make things better, but listening to people say that my children would end up with step parents has got me thinking, i dont want that, i want us to all get along, but with her mother around that wont happen and she isnt going anywhere.

You seem to think your stepdaughter should 'know better' and 'show respect' yet think your same aged daughter is too young to be told who her father really is. This is a huge case of double standards, it really is. You don't have to love your stepdaughter like you love your daughter and son, but you do have to realise your husband does love her that way and he SHOULD do. Otherwise he'd be a horrible creep. And she is just as loveable and important as your children. I get the feeling you so want your dh to be your dd's father, you almost resent him and her for getting there first. But she was there first, and she is his daughter. She owes you nothing really. It would be nice if she loved you and liked you, but she doesn't owe you it. As someone else said, stop expecting all this 'respect' and 'something back'. Try behaving unconditionally. It may have results you never expected. And please talk to her about all this stuff in your family. I would feel insecure in a family full of secrets and mysterious relatives who turned out to be someone different to who I thought, and I'm over 40, not under 10.

i dont blame my sd for saying her dad is her sd, i blame her grandma for opening her mouth and telling a 9 year old, it my job to tell my dd when i am ready. my sd knows that my dd isnt her real sister, but it has never been said before until her grandma said that

I don't understand why its OK for the sd to know that her step sister isn't her father's daughter, but to then be expected to keep quiet. Why? Why does your dd need more protecting than your sd? They're the same age. You must see that for a little girl feeling sidelined that being expected to keep a secret/lie that basically allows another girl to replace her position as her father's daughter is going to give her some fairly hefty issues to deal with. Really these sorts of secrets are not good, when on earth were you planning to tell your dd?

I am astonished that it has never come up before.

I can totally understand that you want your dh to be your dd's dad. But you are risking that all going pear shaped if you don't get a bit of transparency going here. Being open about things does not stop it working out. Quite the opposite IMO. My dad is my dad. No question. And I have always known that he came into my life when I was 2.

Ok, I'm really confused now. She knew but your dd didn't? Didn't you think that was a huge burden to put upon a young child, not to tell the truth, especially to someone who was supposed to be her sister? IMO you should never expect young children to keep secrets. It will have made her more insecure, I'm sure.
What have you said to them both since? This is an opportunity to help them forge a new relationship. Have you discussed the fact taht you want your dh to adopt your daughter? They are cose in age. If they were full siblings I am sure they would argue and fight. This is more tricky in that their shared past has involved secrets and one lives with the other one's dad. The scope for jealousy is huge. But even if they were full siblings arguing would be normal. Are you sure that what you see as your stepdaughter picking on your daughter is not just the kind of normal bickering and arguing you would expect of two girls of a similar age in a family?
I am not at all sure what she has done that makes her so dreadful. She is not responsible for her mother and your relationship with her is separate from her mother's one with you. I have never had a conversation with dh's ex (her choice) and she clearly does not like me, but that hasn't stopped me having a lovely relationshiop with my stepdaughter.

Maybe have a think about how your daughter would react if she was sent to a house where you had another child, who wasn't your child, but she had to pretend it was your child, or your daughter would get told off by someone who lived with you.

Then she gets sent away, so that you can continue to pretend, with this adult, that the child is yours.

How would your daughter react, and how would you like her to be treated?

Can you not see that, as Jimjams has said, you are expecting one child to protect the other, to her own detriment, though they are the same age! That is so unfair! She is not only supposed to aquiese in her replacement as her father's daughter, but keep a secret and pretend to be your daughter's biological sister to protect your daughter. It is staggeringly unreasonable! It would have fucked me up good and proper.

like i said when do you tell a little girl that the man she has been calling dad for the last 6 years isnt her dad!