Help i want to leave my DH beause of SD

[jaynel]

I really need some advice, My dh amd i have been together for 6 years and have been married for 2 years this month. I love my dh very much but i just cant cope with his baggage any more. I have a dd from a previous relationship but she doesnt see her dad and my dh has taken her on as his own she is 8, my sd is 9 and we have a ds together who is 20 months, it may sound like we have a perfect family but we dont. My sd is very nasty to my dd, she picks on her all the time, she is very good with my ds but she is not happy with me and her dad being together, she lies all the time and if we are talking she is always there listening and spying. she told my sister in law last juky (on my birthday) that all is wants is for her mum and dad to get back together, she was 2 years old when her mum threw him out because she was seening someone else so im not sure she even remembers them togther. i have tried being her friend but she doesnt want to know. we have her every weekend,sometimes even in the week and most of the school holidays, we take her on holiday with us, she gets treated the same as the others but she is so diffucult, we even went througha stage of her crying all wekend long because she didnt want to be with us but her mum. we had her living with us for just over a month and she hated it, she thought she was never going to live with her mum again but i have a long chat with her told her she will be back with her mum very soon, she old her mum i said she had to live with us forever. My dh mum parents, treat her like an angel, they spoil her rotten, my dd always gets pushed aside when they are around, they told my sd that my dd are there step parents and my dh is her sd, of course my sd told my dd so i had a lot of explaining to do. now for the ex, she is a part time mum who thinks the weekend are her time, huh. she texts him almost every night always about 10pm when we are in bed, or rings him for stupid things. she always asks for more money when she gets plenty, we also buy her a lot. she asks to borrow big amounts of money and she always asks my dh to look at her car. i knew what it would be like when we got together but i really cant cope anymore, im so depressed and cant be bothered to talk to my dh. we argue about it all the time, he says he does stuff for his ex for a quite life, it feels like he would rather make her happy than me. every time i metion there names we argue. i cant cope anymore. i cant even buy anything for my dd without him moaning at me for not buy for his daughter.what do i do.

I really hope you and your family can get over this little hurdle and move on, it's certainly not the ideal situation but its what you have so please make the most of it and I'm sure things will change for the better xx

i had a chat and a cuddle with my sd tonight and im hoping things ar going to get better, we both opened up a bit more, we have a long way to got but i think we are on the right track.

That's wonderful. I'm sure she'd love to be close to you too. Perhaps she's scared that you too, will leave?

Oh Jaynel, I'm delighted that things are moving forward for you and your SD, and I hope they continue to get better. Well done you. I'm sorry if I was harsh earlier (I know I was ), I wasn't being entirely objective, as I grew up in a stepfamily that perhaps didn't work so well.

I know you love her, and that is why you posted asking for help. Well done to you and I wish your family well in the future.

Actually, I think that what ever happens in the future you should inform you DS that both you SD and DD are his half sisters and that his Dad is DD step dad, then there will be no secrets and lies.

I think you are very lucky that your DH is such a good step parent to his SD. Maybe you should try to learn from him about how to be a parent to a SD.

I was kissed goodnight by my SM every night - never told I was loved but even her own children weren't - but its not the obvious shows of affection that are the things children pick up on - its the little things - the hugs at times when you just want to hug them - the smiles - the being included.

She is obviously a very sad insecure little girl who is trying to push you to see if you love her as much as her mother does - she wants your love an affection - it is obvious.

I have a DD who is not DHs - she knows because she sees her BF regularly but I cannot imagine what it would do to a child to find it out from a 3rd party that the person they thought was their father is not - that was your mistake your responsibility - you cannot reply on anyone else not telling your daughter - its like someone keeping a huge secret from you and everyone else being expected to go along with it - can younot see that accepting that your DH is not her bio father but he loves her as his own can only be a good thing - its seems to have been treated like a dirty secret and you come across as someone who is bitter at it being let out of the bag when it was your responsibility all along to make it known to her.

As for buying kids things - I buy both of mine things - I would never treat one different to the other - maybe he feels that you are not treating them the same and this is rubbing off on his daughter??

I would sit down with him and talk openly about it all - your feelings and everything - maybe at a time when you have childcare so can scream and shout and let it all out. Tell him what you will accept and what you won't in terms of behaviour from both his X and from his daughter but remember the parameters for her behvaiour are going to be totally different from that of an adult. Remember that he may be scared that he won;t get to see hsi daughter - maybe you answer the phone at night a few times until she gets the message - but please don't walk away now - work at this - or you are creating another splinter of a family whcih will only become harder - your DD of all should be the one you are thinking about - how will she feel thniking her BF and her SD don't want her.

And we have had untold troubles with DD - she can be a complete cow at times and knows how to manipulate at 6 years old but she is a child being used by an adult (my XH) to hurt us - but we are bigger people we don't blame her - we blame him we understand that she feels sad that we are no longer together and we try as much as we can to be a stable happy hime for her.

I hope this works out for you because at the end of the day it would be sad for you all to part company due to your reluctance to accept that the bahviour of a 9 year old is just that the behaviour of a 9 year old and not a free thinking rational adult.

sc are hell I've been in the same place my sd came to live with use to get 1 over on her mother then dropped dh in a flash for me to pick up the pieces again. We went to relate for help as that was the only place dh would listen to problems. dh admitted he didn't realize how I felt or that our marriage was at risk from dc. ds1 was also a pain wanted dh and his mother back together yet s you she kicked him out for another man. I'd think about relate if you want your marriage to last and your family to stay together. no longer need relate dh listens when i talk about sc and he doesn't take there side over me or our 3dc.