Here we go!!!

[Nursed123]

It's that time again..... Step kid weekend!

I'm just sitting, with wine in hand, waiting for them to descend.

I really wish I could say I look forward to these weekends but I dread them for various reasons

Here's and for anyone else who can relate

I used to post more but stopped as every thread was getting hijacked by non-SMs and made the whole thing pointless. Well done on this thread!!

Sleepy, you sound like you are doing a great job. Hang in there.

We have DSS (11) for half term and he's on a sports course during the days as DH has no holiday left.

I wonder if I am being unreasonable but these are things I would like DSS to do and which DH refuses to ask him to do/does for him.

1. Make packed lunch each morning. The only thing that needs 'making' is the sandwich and the rest is just choosing what he wants and putting it in box. Apparently at 11 this is too much for him and his mum never asks him to do it.

2. Put dirty washing in his own washing basket. Never does this - it is stuffed into drawers and cupboards. If I ask DH to remind him then DH just goes in and finds the dirty laundry himself, which completely misses the point. I have now stopped reminding and he can wear grubby/run out of clean.

3. Help lay table and clear table after I cook. He sits down ready to eat and looks at pile of cutlery as if the table will magically lay itself. After meal he now clears his own plate but nothing else.

He doesn't wash his hands and doesn't shower. I know kids of this age need reminding but DH does not remind him so it never happens. I think that is gross.

I don't ask him to do anything I would not expect my own child to do. I think these things are very basic.

AIBU? My DH thinks so.

Thanks claud I don't think YABU I think those things are basics.

This is part of the argument I had with dp. Ss is the same. He doesn't have rules at home and I think he would benefit from them.

I would only expect from ss what I would expect from my own child. In fact probably less.

I think I'm going to start asserting my house my rules a bit more. And just step back from anything to do with the ex!

She is most of the problem tbh if she was a half decent parent and didn't use her children as weapons I probably wouldn't find it half as hard!

No judging here Claud, we're all step-mums trying to deal with the situation as best we can!! I wouldnt allow that in my house I'm afraid, especially the washing hands and lack of hygiene. Yuck!

I introduced the house rules with a reward chart and stickers which worked well tho DSC is younger. Maybe he helps out and has a shower in return for the wifi password or his console controller? You need DP to back you tho, thats the hardest battle.

Sleepy, how are you this morning? Did you and DH talk? Hope so! Just do your own rules, bollocks to the ex wife and her bitterness. Hope your DH helps you out with that. and stands up to his exwife

Vile ex being a shit mum and manipulating kids and DH makes the whole situation bloody hard work (likely ex's intention).

I'm ok this morning but a bit bemused as baby slept in so ss had come downstairs and had both the tv on and the smaller tv on with the games console plugged in (dp watched football last night and seemingly ss won't play games in his own room so had brought it down)

But I basically said look one or the other so I'm watching tv now after bathing sick covered baby.

I think dp realised what an absolute idiot he was being, and that by allowing ss to do as he pleases, was causing me more work. I don't think he thought I was being serious about him going but I was a bit cold with him last night and I think he knows I mean business because he's texted me from work asking if everything's ok about five times.

I just hope it continues. I think also for my own sanity I need to find sone sort of coping strategy to not get mad about the ex. If she's not requesting childcare she's asking for cash or complaining or whatever and it really makes me angry. How she's soooooo skint but she's had two new cars and holiday in the last 6 months.

Next big argument will be christmas! Sd will no doubt send a shitty text about why she's got no present (she has we've got 4 years worth here but she won't come over so it's tough shit) ex will kick off about what a shit dad dp is and his he should be spending xmas with his family your not his family love

Oh and I've yet to tell dp I don't want his parents here this year!

Oh my god, I so needed to read this thread. I have 2 sd and the younger one 12 is determined to destroy our marriage and to be fair nearly did 2 weeks ago. My husbands ex is crazy too. She actually asked him to sleep over to look after his girls a couple of days before our wedding this year! Even though she would be coming home. Ive no one to talk to about this stuff and its making me so depressed and upsetting my children and our toddler.

Oh that sounds hard!

If I split up with dp I definitely wouldn't suddenly turn batshit crazy so why do so many women???

Whinge about it here ive felt a lot better by finding this thread it's nice to find others that really understand. It's kind of a taboo in real life I think isn't it?

I've decided the only way I can cope with the exw is to laugh at the things that annoy me.
She said to DP the other day 'I want us to get back to being best friends' ie so she can manipulate him again, he reply was 'err, I think you are forgetting you slept with my best mate'
She wanted to come on holiday with us, err, no.
She has also said she can be our childminder when we have a baby as shes only ever wanted to be a stay at home mum..... She not having anything to do with our future children, never mind being paid to be 'mummy' while I work!

Omg she sounds absolutely crazy, you're right that is laughable.

My baby has once had to be in the same room as ex (funeral) and I couldn't wait to get out. She kept walking purposely pretty much on top of the pram I really wish I'd rammed it into her ankles.

I have never hated anyone before, not really, but I have so much hatred for her, I actually despise her.

I don't understand the nasty ex thing. Surely the choice between getting one up on your ex or protecting your child's happiness your child would always come first??

Again if me and DH split up Ex will think she's won but I don't care. At least my DD will be ok and her son suffering is not "winning" and I would always work with my DH to do best for DD.

I swear sleepy your DSS mum and mine are the same person :p

Don't let DH give extra money. I tell DH not to in case she goes to CSA and says he can afford to do it all the time.

He doesn't. He's already paying her an absolute bloody fortune in maintenance. Csa reckon he's earning a good 10 grand more a year than he is, so he's currently paying a figure based on that amount.

He's sent them his last 5 wage slips twice. Nothing's changed, still paying a fortune, were skint because I'm on mat leave anyway. It's ridiculous, they're absolutely shite. She's obviously happy with it though. I'm sure she'll kick off if/when it eventually goes down to what it should be.

I think what she forgets it's that we have ss twice a week, we don't get child benefit for 2/7 of the time, or 2/7 of the tax credits she gets for him. We also have a baby to consider.

She's forever whinging about cash but what she doesn't realise is she's got more than we have, rolling in tax credits, smaller mortgage than us that dp paid single handedly even after he'd moved out. It really winds me up.

She has arranged contact so that we only have ss one night a week, but for 14 hours during the day time on a weekend, so that obviously we feed him and she doesn't have to but we don't get a reduction in csa for the night.

It's a really really stupid way of working it out. You could have the child every day 8-8 and still be Paying as if the other parent has them full time and you never see them. It's a shit shit shit service and whoever decided the way it works is an absolute moron and probably someone's ex wife.

I don't get it SLeepy. If me and DH split I'd want the best for her not seeing how much I can screw DH out of. Poor children :(

Me too. Clearly money is more important to her than her children.

She actually asked him to sleep over to look after his girls a couple of days before our wedding this year! That is so cheeky!
She wanted to come on holiday with us, err, no. Oh my can you imagine?
It seems sometimes having kids with someone blurs the boundaries when they split up.

ExW has been so difficult and attacked for unfair reasons, whenever she's pissed off says DSS is nothing to do with me. My DPs ExW makes it quite clear that I am invisible. She does it by always texting DP, never acknowledging me, indeed even ignoring me outright in front of her step children. No wonder they are conflicted.

Sleepy and others - my DPs ExW was most 'intrusive' when we had a baby, I wonder if it was a reaction to not being able to 'corner the DP market' as it were?

Also, when me and DP did split up temporarily - I think ExW and DSCs may have had a bit of a reality check. DP didn't suddenly turn into someone who was exclusively 'theirs' again.

The DSCs couldn't just rock up and use the big TV, because DP didn't have a big TV anymore. ExW couldn't demand as much extra time, or extra lifts, or extra money. DP was trying to stretch himself and of course, now had to include me. And believe me, suddenly I found myself priority, for the first time in a while!

Claude I don't think it sounds unreasonable, and if you are having to parent, well then you have to be your sort of parent! Step Mums are not paid childminders, and even childminders will tend to have their own way of dealing with children too, not just a robot for the parents style. If the DSC has trouble adjusting it is the parents who should help them, by backing you up or not putting so much pressure on you in the first place.

Bananas it's stupid isn't it? I am the only adult not acknowledged in my situation. ExW, SD and DH are the parents almost and I am a glorified piggybank/ babysitter. Ok me paying to feed and clothe and put time in for boring things but God forbid if I want to be respected as a SM!

ExW didn't like when I was pregnant. Even though as DH partner I should be more important to him than she is (end of the day DH is their for their SON not her as they are not one and the same) from ExW POV I was "on par" and on her pedestal. No longer just a gf whilst she was the mother of his child but now I would be mother to another child of his too. She banned him seeing his son when he didn't drop me to go and see her after he had told her I had HG and may need to go to hospital.

Having DD has made a difference to DH. Still a way to go but I can see his pandering to ExW was to keep his relationship with son going. But he now has two babies to think of.

Dp is more scared of losing ss than baby ds, but it's because ex manipulated sd into not seeing him where as he knows I wouldn't do that to our ds because I'm not batshit crazy so he panders to ex and I'm left to deal with it

Aleepy I'd to explain to your DP that pandering is even worse than standing up. Where does the line get drawn?

Your DP can see your a good mum and you wouldn't weaponise your son so it's almost easier to fall out with you and have an argument than it would be to fall out with his ex and miss out on their children. Does he have a court order for the kids?

I've told DH that if that is how he wants to live his life then so be it and I would leave and simply co parent with him but he doesn't want to live away from DD. Think he is so afraid of going through it again. He thinks if we split I would do the same with DD which I wouldn't.

Sleepy I'm so sorry it's that bad. I'm 24 years younger than my DP and at least he hasn't been criticised for that (I'm 26, he is 50). ExW was a bit jealous of my age but I think more to do with the fact we could have a baby and she can't.

I really think if your DP ex is unable to behave reasonably then go through the courts and split the time that way. It would be nice if they didn't have to but it takes two parents to be adults. One being unreasonable and the other being a doormat are not ok.

I do get why you'd want nothing to do with your DSD. It took one year for me and DSS to go back to normal after ExW and her slandering and DSS knew I was withdrawn he could tell I wasn't interacting with him as much. If DSS does anything again then regardless of whether his mum has put him up to it I will be done with DH and DSS because why should me and DD have our happiness compromised because DH and ExW can't be bothered to parent correctly.

I think I already said this but again when my DH was allowing the "one rule for him and no rules for her" I told him he was selfish. DSS would get damaged going through court yes but he also gets damaged being randomly banned from seeing his dad, being weaponised etc and the person benefitting most from going along with what the ExW wants is him as it is the easiest option for him only. Not for me, not for DSS and not for DD. I said for DSS it is bad as he gets hurt regardless and whilst DH might think he is hiding it DSS still gets dragged in. I've told DH that if anything happens again and he just lets it we are done because I am not having mine and my DD happiness compromised.

I think I said this before but I would just focus on what is best for you and your little one. There is nothing wrong with thinking fuck it and looking out just for you and your son.

The age thing doesn't bother me or dp or seemingly anyone else but ex and sd. Ex loves it and calls me a little girl, naive all that kind of thing. It's ridiculous because yes I am about 12 years younger than her but I've worked for longer than she has, I've actually had to stand on my own two feet and I've achieved more in my (shorter) life than she has.

You're right and I nee to focus just on me and my son and dp to be honest, but just not when ex is involved. She still thinks she's going to get him back I think after all these years, all the things she said and done.

I feel like if we got married maybe that would be the nail in the coffin but dp isn't bothered for doing it and was never married to her, but for me I think well it shows your serious and a by product of that basically gives a big message of fuck off ex this is serious.

Its total madness. My husbands ex said he was having a mid life crisis at 38 because I'm blond haired, blue eyes and big boobs! Never mind I'm also intelligent. She also made a big scene of hiding in a cupboard at her work crying when she heard our baby had been born. This really damages my step daughters and they copying her more and more causing problems here.

Oh god. Crying in a cupboard?' What?!

Yes, she is a real nut job. Every week its something. Sometimes its stupid othe times spiteful then we get the really nasty shit . She just can't leave us alone even when its damaging the girls.

It's the kids that get the most hurt it just puzzles me why anyone would want to hurt their own children?!

Well I have mine this weekend not looking forward to it.. even less now my partner has quit his job yesterday. I get he hated it and was miserable but now if his little family want to do something I will end up paying for it. Hoping he has himself sorted for Xmas because as much as I don't want to think his children don't get presents from their dad I am not buying presents for children that don't even have the decency to speak to me

It's the kids that get the most hurt it just puzzles me why anyone would want to hurt their own children?!

They don't understand. When ExW spread lies about me to solicitor I knew it's because she is a jealous bitter bitch. DSS didn't know why mummy was making him write things. Since having DD so wary of being close to DSS so now he might think SM doesn't want him. She wanted to punish me for upsetting her order and her own little boy was the perfect way to do so as he is the only power over her ex. That is not a caring mother.

I wouldn't buy for step children who hated me either user.