Here we go!!!

[Nursed123]

It's that time again..... Step kid weekend!

I'm just sitting, with wine in hand, waiting for them to descend.

I really wish I could say I look forward to these weekends but I dread them for various reasons

Here's and for anyone else who can relate

REally pisses me off when the mum and dad want us to give up everything for their child and neither acknowledge us as important in child's life.

This!

I stopped looking after DSD when ExW came to pick her up as my DF arrived.
Cue her stopping round the corner to call DH to tell him of my male caller and how excited I was to see him (I gave him a hug)

Dont judge me by your own low standards!

Why are your SC's parents expecting you to drop everything to have their child? Don't change your plans or you will set the mark that they can take the piss when it suits.
You are not the babysitter and if they want child care they ask.
My DH and I used to row about this all the time, I stuck to my guns, never backed down and my stock answer was ALWAYS ask, don't presume!
Fucking liberties some of these parents!

It is disheartening when your own DP gets shirty just because you are even mentioning that you are giving up plans to suit his child sleepy. He should be grateful!

Really pisses me off when the mum and dad want us to give up everything for their child and neither acknowledge us as important in child's life.

Totally this! I hated it tbh in the end. I was happy to help, to support, build relationships, to parent my step kids. But it was all undermined by their parents, esp ExW who passed on to their children that I was never to be asked, informed, consulted or listened to. Bonkers! ExW now wants me to take over again, or 'DP' but I know it'll be me. It's too late.

Well I've basically told him to pack his bags and fuck off.

I'm really at the end of my tether. I'm not his live in childcare and literally Al, I said was can you ask me first, now he's turned it around saying it's obvious you don't like ss this that and other and I just slipped and told him to get out.

Which he did. Then he came back.

He's at work now. Ss is supposed to be coming round tonight but honestly I hope neither of the, come back because I'm so angry about it.

I'm ready to sell the house and call it all off and then him and ex can look after their own children, though he'll end up arranging with me to see our ds too.

This is not what i signed up for

Oh Sleepy I'm so sorry :( hugs

Aw sleepy Is there anywhere you can go for a few days to relax and think? Unfortunately I don't have any good advice. I'm lucky that we don't live anywhere near exw so everything is planned (although DP does forget to tell me sometimes!) It would drive me mad if I was expected to change my plans last minute and that's without my own DC to worry about. Don't let this be an exw problem though! In my experience, they love it when there's a fallout, so with her out of the equation, if you can see a way through this, go for it!

Thanks :(

I didn't want it to be like this, or end, but I can't continue being his skivvy.

All he can say is well if you'd told me you'd made plans then it would be ok. Well how would it. He'd still expect me to re arrange and look after ss.

Even if we do stay together I'm not being involved with his kids anymore I'm going to take a step right back.

Aww sleepy, I'm so sorry. I'v chucked DH out before now and only let him back in when he's promised to stop being a knob.

If he's bringing ss home tonight, can you stay somewhere else with your kids? Your mums, a friends, premier inn? Get some space, show him you mean what you say.

I'm considering going to my mums for a few days. He will never realise he's being a knob though. He thinks this is my fault.

Also with our own daughter if one of us wants to leave her with the otrher for whatever reason we always check with eachother so it doesn't mean hating the child.

Also having plans to watch TV eating junk food as an eg is still your time. You don't have to justify why you aren't taking his child last minute.

He thinks this is my fault.

This is not good. He's the parent. Go to your mums, talk to her and try to relax. Also have wine no i'm not an alcoholic

You're all right.

I desperately don't want this to end but I can't live like this. He either changes his attitude and expectations or its over.

I didn't want this for my baby either :(

This is not your fault Sleepy. When me and DH had a harsh talk about issues with his ex I told him I don't care what games he and his ex want to play. If he wants to stand by and allow her to manipulate and weaponize their son then he is no better but I am not letting our daughter get dragged in. I don't care about winning I want me and DD out of it and happy.

Had no issues with his ex recently. Not sure if he gets a hard time. I don't want him unhappy but at some point I just had to let it go. I can't fight his battles for him if he isn't going to do something.

Forget your DH and step child for a moment and think what is best for you and your own baby and go with that, whatever that decision is. Is it better for you and your baby to talk to DH and give him time to improve (say a month)? Is it better to walk away? Is it better to deal with changes in plans and carry on as you are?

That's what I do now. I think "is this the best for me and DD?". Things are getting better. I feel so sorry for my SS and many SCs as they are completely innocent and the step mums and dads are doing their best but because the actual parents can't sort things out.

I'm always telling my DH he needs to learn to talk to his ex. She does shitty things like passing off her own husband as dad, changing times pick ups and he just lets her because he is afraid of losing access. Obviously SS needs to see his dad but I've told DH if she tries to stop get your bloody court order and take to police or judge because his son needs healthy relationship with both parents not seeing this mess. Better for SS in long term to have DH be firm and miss out for a couple of weeks than years of this rubbish (I know not good for SS to miss out and if his mother twists then she is a cow but saying sorting it out once and for all is the lesser evil than phases of banned access).

The only nag I am okay with is DH does all the pick ups and drop offs because I don't want her around me and DD or our home so it works for me and DD.

I don't want my DH or DSS to suffer just to suffer but as selfish as it is I always ring fence me and DD first and then worry about them now. An example is I'm on maternity. I could have DSS over to spend more time with his sister but because ExW sends abusive texts in the past I won't give her my number. No number means I can't arrange having DSS over extra times. DSS wants my number and I had to say no (I did not say why).

I told DH let ExW we can control our own home. DSS knows me and his step dad are equal, that daddy and mummy are equal. We say good things about his mum and step dad. It's a shame because before DH met me (Ex had been with her DH for 3 years?) DH, his ex, her DH and DSS never did anything together. I would facilitate the five of us having food together, meeting up with ExW and DSS to make friends and she completely ruined that. DH has been bad at times too. Becuase DH and his ExW won't try and work together me and DSS step dad have ended up arguing and I told DH it's mad.

But now DH knows me and DD are on one side, his ex and her DH is on the other and there is no crossover. As long as e and DD are ok then that is all I can do.

I don't want my DH or DSS to suffer just to suffer but as selfish as it is I always ring fence me and DD first and then worry about them now. Yes this Sleepy. I wouldn't move out, if you have a baby he should move out even if temporarily.

It was only when I started to assert myself, and basically protect me and my kids first that my life became a lot less stressed. Unfortunately, if an ExW or weak DP are still caught in the middle of dumping kids with little notice, causing you friction, then you do have to stand up and draw a line around yourself.

I kicked out DP and it took a long time, but he's starting to realise that no matter what silliness is going on with his first family, I no longer play a part in it.

Absolutely Bananas. I told my DH if he and his ex can't work together his son is going to get hurt. I do my best but I can't put my daughter in the firing line just to protect DSS. It sounds cruel but step parents cannot carry the actual parents and I'm not going to compromise my DD happiness to protect DSS.One thing making sacrifices myself, not my DD though.

So so sorry to hear of your troubles sleepy ! Try to avoid the ex w knowing she has come between you if you can . They love it . I hope you resolve your problems it's so tough x

Hi everyone.

Yes I think you're all right and I said to dp pretty much what all your posts said. That obviously I like ss and what not and am happy to help out now and again on my terms. I don't want to be taken advantage of and this will be the last time I re arrange my plans.

I told him if he wants to pander to the ex that's his prerogative but I won't have it negatively effecting myself or our son.

I also said I want rules in place for ss (normal stuff, washing in basket, plates in kitchen, basics!!) he completely disagreed and said that because ss clearly has no rules at home there's no point him having them here. I told him he was being ridiculous and someone needed to parent him properly. And if ss isn't doing these things someone has to pick up the slack and that was me and I wasn't happy.

When he came home with ss, he must have decided he was being a tit and told ss to tidy his room (which was a shit hole) and he has. So that's a step in the right direction.

I've basically told him things have to change or im off. I'm not ss parent and I never will be. I think I'll just be taking a step back from now on (well after tomorrow!!) at least I've managed to re arrange my plans.

Hey ho! Still not totally happy but at least he knows that he needs to change his attitude, suppose I just have to wait and see if he does!

Well done sleepy!

Also totally agree just because no rules at SS mum house doesn't mean you don't have them. Me and DH operate under "my house my rules your house your rules" and what routine DSS has with his mum and SD is their choice as it is ours.

DH being more organised now we have DD as I explained I didn't want DD having no bedtimes, leaving food, leaving a mess and if he wants both his children treated equally then it's up to him to do it. I said if he wants to pick his own rules for DSS and decide with me for DD and therefore both have different boundaries that was okay and we can explain to them both that as they have different mums that is why they have different expectations but we both agreed in our house DSS and DD will have equal everything.

Good for you sleepy! I'm glad you talked to him and he appears to have listened. I hope he continues to make the effort.

Another my house, my rules here too and DP enforces them to. I think when you have your own DC, you absolutely have to put them first. Sounds horrible, but I looked at my DSC and just said to DP this is not how I wish to parent (I used more sweary words). DSC couldnt talk as had dummy in mouth constantly- mum still forces a dummy, even now. You have to put your child first, no matter the crap DH comes out with, I will never love his child as much as I love mine.
I'm sorry, I love her, and I do my best to treat them both fairly but there I must leave it. Hard thing to sort out, but taking a step back is best for all concerned sometimes.

Agree 100% evil your own kids have to come first as for them we are their mum and they need us.

Don't get me wrong DSS and DD get the same budget at xmas, bdays and when DD is older she and DSS will have the same rules and bedtime etc but I won't let my DD suffer to sort out DSS where DH and his ex don't get on.

Also with the "my house my rules" if ExW was to kick up a fuss I'd tell DH to sort it as she'd complain if kids aren't treated equally but she'd want to dictate what we do. She would have no right to tell me what I do with my DD in my own home

. An incident was she was pissed of DH used to buy DSS toys all the time (she was right DH was spoiling him) and I explained I agreed with ExW and me and DH do £5pw pocket money and she said she was happy. But the complained to DH we do pocket money as she buys DSS treats once in a while.

But with DH I said I won't have our own DD routine dictated by ExW if she doesn't like routine we have for DSS

Part of the success of step parent families does seem to really depend on how much parent plus step parent can together run the the house according to 'their rules' - preferably understood and support by each other.

I guess that's similar to parents who stay together. Imagine trying to have a peaceful house with a Dad who tells the Mum to cook/wash but never have an opinion?! Or vice versa. It's kind of similar!

I did completely fail with this, I thought that we were similar on 'rules', but basically it was 'DPs House, DPs Rules' which I soon realized were 'ExWs Rules, ExW also feeling like it was still her house Rules!'. I acquiesced a lot at first, and then realized I was being firmly placed as an outsider. I would say even after a few years it was 'my rules 30% - DP 40% - mixture of DSC and ExW 30%'! Oops, not really a great mix for a cohesive household!

DEfinately Bananas parents must respect step parents wishes too. DH is more relaxed than me so I always offered to meet halfway, we'd agree things and then he'd still do his own thing. He is getting better now though.

And a lot of it does come down to the adults getting on too. ExW has been so difficult and attacked for unfair reasons, whenever she's pissed off says DSS is nothing to do with me. If it happens again I'll cut ties. If she wants to "win" then it's pathetic and ultimately her son will lose.

DSS prefers being with us since we had the baby anyway. He loves being a brother.