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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

what would you say........

352 replies

WSM123 · 10/02/2016 03:20

I saw this on another forum and it was brilliant, so I decided to blatantly steal it. Some was hilarious, some was brutal but all a great vent no judgement
What would you love to say to your step kids but cant in real life??
I would say to SS7, when you get caught out in a lie, laughing and saying I was joking doesn't make it cute, its still a lie.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

WSM123 · 10/02/2016 18:07

I'm not telling you how to respond I'm just saying it was intended a a fun no judgement venting forum and became a step bashing bitch fest

OP posts:

FaFoutis · 10/02/2016 18:10

fun?! I think saying "brutal" things about children would be far more bitchy than what happened on this thread.

wannabestressfree · 10/02/2016 18:21

Stay on the other forum then....

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 10/02/2016 18:28

Here is something I wish I could tell dsd...

I wish I could let it go and bring out my feelings of adoration towards you and a love that is somewhere deep down for you. So many things are clouding that at the moment. When you arrive here or I meet you at school, I feel a genuine happiness to see you even if my face miserable or I'm grumpy, I love to hear what you've been up to, I love the way you adore your baby brother, I love the funny things you say and I LOVE buying you new clothes/shoes. I love your company especially when your dad is at work and we have these 3 little monkeys causing chaos (and of course you do add to that chaos at times).

I'm sorry I'm so stressed all the time and I'm not a very nice person to be around at times. Sometimes all I do is shout and snap. You always witness me and your dad arguing and shouting at each other, and it must be horrible to see. I'm not surprised if you can't wait to go back to your mum's.

I worry that one day your brothers will resent me because I gave less to them in order to make way for you. That sounds so silly and I need to stop thinking like that.

I know we will never love each other like mother and daughter and you have that special relationship with your mum and only your mum, but I really do care about you in my own way.

OllyBJolly · 10/02/2016 18:37

That's beautiful Cantwait - I would print that and give it to her when she's older.

gooseberryroolz · 10/02/2016 18:53

"a fun no judgement venting forum"

A what?

Original poster

WSM123 · 10/02/2016 18:54

See why does it all have to be bad. So many assume that because a step patent says it it will be bad. I simply stole an idea and posted it. I said on the other forum some were brutal, that doesn't mean I expect all to be brutal. And because you want to say something doesn't mean you are nasty. Some of you got the concept and others are so hell bent on assuming the worst and step bashing that it ruined the whole thread.

OP posts:

gooseberryroolz · 10/02/2016 18:58

So many assume that because a step patent says it it will be bad.

Oh FGS stop with that SHIT.

I became a SM at 21. I know perfectly well that it has its challenges. I also know that falling into resentment and bitching about your DSC is not the answer to anything and will not lead anywhere good.

This martyred 'you're all big meanies who are only criticizing my urge to slag off the SC because you hate stepmums' is such nonsense.

It will get easier when you stop focussing your negative feelings on the child(ren) in the situation and look at what the adults are doing.

Original poster

WSM123 · 10/02/2016 19:14

And sometimes having somewhere you can voice the negative so you can then focus in the positive can be hugely beneficial (and even a chance to voice the positive as can't wait did)
But people jump on and half read the posts, assume the bad, have a bash screw it all up for those who actually want/need/ appreciate a place they feel safe to say things they can't say out loud

OP posts:

gooseberryroolz · 10/02/2016 19:18

Make your mind up. Do you want a support thread for SMs who are really struggling? Or do you want a 'fun' ( ) 'venting' (i.e. bitching) thread?

There's nothing 'fun' about being so distressed or in such an awful situation that you need to be negative about children.

Original poster

WSM123 · 10/02/2016 19:28

Who said its bitching? And being negative a bout a situation or a certain behaviour is NOT being negative about children.
What would be really nice is a place to feel free to vent when needed, have a giggle when needed sometime when you wrote things down it puts them in perspective and you see the funny side (sometime reading other people's struggles make you realise yours aren't do bad) and of you bothered reading the whole thread without jumping to conclusion you would see a few people got the idea and got things off their chest so they could get on with being the great supportive sm they are

OP posts:

gooseberryroolz · 10/02/2016 19:34

Oh I see. I disagree with you so I can't possibly have read the whole thread?

You don't speak for all SMs. Some don't want to be associated with the 'I thought of a great putdown for my DSS' stuff.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 10/02/2016 19:41

WSM in your OP I really can't see how you have put your DSS down. When a child lies and they laugh when they get caught it's definitely not cute! Nothing wrong with stating that fact and I can't see how that constitutes as bitching. And the whole point of this thread is, you're not actually going to say that to your DSS are you? You've said it on here instead.

NickiFury · 10/02/2016 19:43

I've seen too many vicious and attacking posts regarding step children on this forum and the moment they're challenged the "just venting" excuse is wheeled out as a cover for often real dislike and jealousy. This is a fact. It's not something I am making up to keep the poor old step mothers squashed down . So with that in mind and years of reading this board I am afraid I view a thread inviting a free for all on on what you'd say if you could to your step children, with some suspicion.

Original poster

WSM123 · 10/02/2016 19:47

Correct 100%. But according to many people on here having a negative thought occasionally means you are a nasty negative child abuser.
I think a lot of them need some laxatives as they are a bit anal retentive (they already hate me so I don't care how that goes down hehe)

OP posts:

gooseberryroolz · 10/02/2016 19:50

But according to many people on here having a negative thought occasionally means you are a nasty negative child abuser.

Which people?

I've never seen that said on this board.

NickiFury · 10/02/2016 19:52

Who exactly has called you "a nasty, negative, child abuser"? As far as I can see people have expressed discomfort with a thread being started for the sole purpose of moaning about your step kids.

I think far too many step parents conflate issues with their SO with step child issues. The kids are easier to blame though because you don't love them in the same way and had no say in them being part of the picture.

Original poster

WSM123 · 10/02/2016 20:11

Clearly I paraphrased but here are a few exames
Kids are damaged and traumatised by your existence
Unkind inconsiderate cruel
Nasty

I could go on.
Maybe we should keep in mind that a) this is all anonymous so no one knows the kids etc involved
B) the kids aren't reading these so how is it hurting them?
Too many precious politically correct people. Take a chill pill

OP posts:

NickiFury · 10/02/2016 20:16

It's absolutely NOT PC to have a problem with a thread devoted to moaning about kids that aren't even yours and who no choice in having you in their lives.

Original poster

WSM123 · 10/02/2016 20:22

It's NOT all moaning. And you aren't saying it to them at all so no children are harmed in the making if this post

OP posts:

gooseberryroolz · 10/02/2016 20:26

The problem when this board sinks into weird child-bashing negativity isn't that the SDC in question can hear it (obviously); It's the way negativity-promoting SMs egg each other on.

It inevitably descends to assumptions that DSC are manipulative, that small girls 'flirt' with their fathers and deliberately monopolize them, that all SMs are doomed to misery etc etc.

gooseberryroolz · 10/02/2016 20:28

THAT is when DC get hurt - when posters have whipped each other up with ideas that their DC are the achitects of their DSMs' misery and are doing it on purpose.

Original poster

WSM123 · 10/02/2016 20:35

How is that related to "what would you say to the step kids if you could"? And even if someone did post "I think you are a little slut who flirts with her father for attention" (sic) how is it detrimental to the kid for an sm to get that feeling off her chest in a place she won't (shouldn't) be judged. Rather that letting it bud up and fester until it does cause problems.
In my opinion being able to say things anonymously on a forum and getting it off your chest is a lot healthier than holding it in until you snap

OP posts:

gooseberryroolz · 10/02/2016 20:38

And even if someone did post "I think you are a little slut who flirts with her father for attention" (sic) how is it detrimental to the kid for an sm to get that feeling off her chest in a place she won't (shouldn't) be judged.

"Shouldn't"? Shouldn't judge a SM who describes her DSD that way?

NickiFury · 10/02/2016 20:38

Agree. And I have seen that many times and if anyone dares to say "hey hold on a minute" they're turned on and accused of hating step mothers and ridiculed as its "just venting".

How would you feel if you read a description of your child and their perfectly normal behaviour, on a forum with a load of dissatisfied women slagging them off viciously? I've been on threads where strangers have read the OP and called 9 year old girls described in them "vile", "horrible", "mini wives" because they like to sit next to their Dads or they are weepy or clingy and/or try to get their Dad to take their side in family disagreements. All perfectly normal behaviour but with awful slants and focus put on it by jealous grown women.

If people hadn't said they thought this thread was wrong that would have happened here too.

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