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Step-parenting

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what would you say........

352 replies

WSM123 · 10/02/2016 03:20

I saw this on another forum and it was brilliant, so I decided to blatantly steal it. Some was hilarious, some was brutal but all a great vent no judgement
What would you love to say to your step kids but cant in real life??
I would say to SS7, when you get caught out in a lie, laughing and saying I was joking doesn't make it cute, its still a lie.

OP posts:
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missybct · 10/02/2016 12:23

These threads really irritate me due to the collective and abundant amnesia a lot of parents have. I've seen numerous threads in my years on Mumsnet of people having a good old vent about their kids - hell, there is a fucking blogger out there who makes an absolute killing with publicity by writing about the very negative connotations having (biological) children can have upon adults. Parents lap that shit up because it all speaks to us, parents and step-parents alike, over the trials and tribulations of parenthood. Fucks sake, nobody would bat an eyelid if this thread was titled "What you really think when your 3 y/o shits the floor" Confused

The moment you add the word STEP into that equation, everyone starts this "OMG HOW DARE YOU" complex that entirely perpetuates this stigma over step-parents and their entirely normal, appropriate reactions to things. Just because they haven't biologically provided the genetic make up of that child, doesn't mean they cease to have an opinion, especially when that child may live with them FT or PT. Everyone gets on their high horse about it without really considering how THEY would feel in that position, nor about the numerous times they've probably made unsavoury comments about another child either within their care (a friend of DC) or at school playgrounds.

The fact is, as a stepparent you DO have to control what and when you say things. There can be a variety of reasons for this, but usually it's because threads like this make it abundantly clear that THEY ARE NOT THE PARENT HOW DARE YOU and that they should be seen, not heard, and effectively sit there taking whatever so long as they don't express negativity. As a step parent, even if you are supported by your DP/DH, you still have to factor in the birth mothers POV and work hard to ensure you are at all times, safe in the eyes of your DSC, but without overstepping that (usually invisible and unspoken) boundary. It's a fucking nightmare knowing where that starts and ends, so for a lot of stepparents, it's easier to keep strong emotions (and this includes love, pride and affection) inside so not to offend birth parents/birth relatives, or seem like you're trying to "play Mum/Dad" - it's a horrible fine line which many people find hard - mainly because the majority of step parents I've met absolutely adore their stepchildren and find it hard to express how much they mean to them without overstepping the mark.

So yes - in the same way I would support threads that allow parents to "vent" the difficult aspects of biological parenting, I'd support that which allowed step parents the chance to release - this demographic is one of the most stressed positions of authority within a 'family' unit and is often the cite of major depression, anxiety and illness. It's unfair to allow "biological" parents this concession and kindness in venting, but to discredit and suggest if a step parent does this, they are somehow inhumane or contributing to developmental problems and/or happiness within a child. It's bullshit - it's life, people moan, people love, people care, people get angry. And it's worth noting for every instance of a "wicked stepmother" there are thousands of women out there who take on the role of being mothers without thanks, gratitude, kindness and respect - we are often the outcasts, the ones who dress our SC, feed them, play with them, do homework with them, educate them, love them, are fiercely protective over them but do so in the knowledge that to the eyes of many, we are just stepparents - we don't get to go to parents evening, school plays, doctors and hospital appointments. Many of us love our stepchildren dearly, and always feel that sinking feeling that we cannot attend these types of things, especially when we've helped contribute to it (sewing school clothes, reading lines of plays, going through homework). For some stepparents, they take the role of the ineffective, uncaring, absent biological parent.

So please, allow us the same concessions - many of us work hard to raise your children because we love them.

BusyCee · 10/02/2016 12:24

Interesting OP has now sloped off. Maybe not liking what I would say if...

missybct · 10/02/2016 12:26

PS - If I could say something to my DSS, it would be how much I wish I could hold him and hug him sometimes. He's such a squishy thing, 6 years old and gangly and growing up SO quick. I miss when he was little and would jump on my lap and hug me. But I know he's getting older, and he doesn't have the need to do that anymore with me. But I still miss it. And I stand in his room after he's fallen asleep just smiling - he's a pain in our backside (me and DP) but he's adorable.

BusyCee · 10/02/2016 12:32

Oh ffs Missy. No ones saying we're all perfect parents and never vent. By all means start a thread about the frustrations of having children. They are many and varied. But don't single out children from disrupted homes, who's behaviour may well be affected by the adults around them - mothers, fathers, step parents, siblings the lot.

No-one is demonising step parents or saying they don't have a right to the same frustrations as the rest of us. Just highlighting it's unsavory to target destabilized CHILDREN.

Micah · 10/02/2016 13:01

Destabilised children?

Divorce, separation, absent parents are all common as a common thing. Divorce rate is 1:2, thats not counting sparation of unmarried parents, parents who were never together...

So either this country has an entire generation of traumatised, damaged, and destabilised children waiting to overwhelm MH services, despite all the cries of "children are resilient, dont stay in an unhappy marriage, theyre not happy if youre not".

shit happens. Children are affected by many, many things. My dad died when i was 12. When my friends used to complain about having to go to their dads at the weekend, i used to think how lucky they were.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 10/02/2016 13:08

I think "de stabilised children" is a tad over dramatic.

It may come as a surprise but my parents split when I was 11 and my mum moved in with the OM who she is still with today. I was hardly de stabilised though and I don't think you can generalise all children whose parents have split as traumatised/damaged/delicate/de stabilised. My dad was worried that I would struggle as a teenager with the split happening at the age that it did, but I had a wonderful childhood.

wowis · 10/02/2016 13:13

Great thread and those that are in their judgey pants you must know being a step mum brings a specific type of frustration that isn't the same as with your own kids . And I totally disagree that step kids 'sense ' the resentment or whatever . If we know we have these thoughts why can't we vent amongst like minded people anonymously?!
I would say
' your mother is a toxic appalling woman and having to be nice and respectful about her when she ruining you both and making life hell for me and your dad is giving me tumours!!!! AngryAngryAngry'
And breathe ... Smile

BusyCee · 10/02/2016 13:15

Cool. Let's all have a pop at bereaved children too then.

Many people carry sadness with them and cope well in the main. Doesn't mean they wouldn't have been happier if one of the significant adults in their lives was able to be an actual, you know, adult.

Take part in all the parenting threads by all means - including the ones highlighting how close frustration and love can be; get support from the step parenting board here when you need support (and not one person here has undermined how difficult that role must be) - there seems to be plenty of it and rightly so. But having a pop at children is wrong. Particularly when your attitudes towards them will shape the adult they become

And if you post stuff here it comes up on Active. Sometimes, even people like me - who avoid the board because I know I've been affected by the issue - can't avoid responding to stupid comments.

CatchAPlaneToBarcelona · 10/02/2016 13:30

missy I think the point here is that:

Yes we all vent and occasionally rant about our own children, but it's a given that we love them, we'd crawl over hot coals for them etc., even when they are being obnoxious and driving us nuts.

Yes we all vent and occasionally rant (or even get quite bitchy) about other people's children because there is always a natural element of competition and comparison, and of course we think our own kids are better - that's our job. 'My child is so much more polite / a much better eater / brighter / kinder / than him/her.' 'He/she is devious / lazy / whiney / immature / a bit thick/ a spoilt brat / a manipulator/ a drama queen' or whatever.

Chances are your own child is all or some of those things too, but you are programmed to override it and focus on their positive traits.

Privately criticising the next door neighbour's irritating kid or one of your children's naughty classmates is one thing - it's not our job to love and protect someone else's kid, to fight their corner, to see them as equal to our own and to see their good points in spite of everything they do that's challenging.

But with your stepchildren it's a totally different thing altogether. However hard it might be, you should try not to compare them to yours and find them lacking, and if you can't then you should just have the good grace to keep quiet about it. They are the people your partner loves most in the world (at least I hope they are) and they may have had an awful lot of crap to deal with in their little lives that it's easy for the adults around them to minimise or to brush off. You don't know what's going on in their heads while they try to exist in a blended family that was never of their choosing.
And if you can't bring yourself to like them they will sense it.

Also the situation with Cantwait and the cake, well full siblings tease and wind one another up like that all the time, bigger ones pulling rank over younger ones just for kicks, calssic sibling rivalry. It's normal family life. Don't think things like that only happen when a nasty step-child is deliberately trying to be spiteful or goady to her half-sibling. It's totally not the case, although as a PP pointed out, if she was doing it to get back at Cantwait and her half brother it's probably because she's feeling jealous and vulnerable and wants to make herself feel a bit better exercising some control over something.

I understand it can be very hard, very challenging. But you chose it, remember that every time. The child didn't.

missybct · 10/02/2016 14:02

But why on earth is "venting" associated with "not liking" them or "comparing" them, much less making them "destablised"?

If I vented about my DSS (and I wouldn't, because I don't need to?) it would be for the same reasons my DP would vent too - ffs, I'm the one that pitches in there and stands up for DSD when DP is getting irate about something DSD has done Grin.

Why is there this assumption that venting from a step parent is somehow a nod to criticising or disliking the child? When parents vent about their own biological children, like you said above CatchAPlane, they vent about the obnoxiousness but would still climb over hot coals.

What if that is EXACTLY THE SAME as how I feel, as a step parent - that my DSD can be obnoxious (because, pray tell, he's a child and everyone is obnoxious sometimes) - but that no matter what, his safety is paramount in my mind? It's so hard having to explain to people that just because I didn't pop him out of my vagina, that when he's not with me and DP I somehow cease to care - I care about my DSD 24/7 - I don't have the biological bond with him, and I respect that by ensuring I don't overstep boundaries with either him or his mother, but I love him very much. Why does there have to be this divide or assumption about our strength of love for a child? An adoptive parent wouldn't be as chastised, nor a foster parent - they would be commended - so why so much vitriol for step parents?

I appreciate there must be many stepparents who take a very hands off approach, who don't care about minimizing the damage that a break up of a family unit can be, or would rather spend time disrespecting the birth mother/father and generally being a disruptive presence in their stepchild's life. But I knew when I got with my DP that I wasn't just getting with him - if it worked out, I was taking on his son, and you're right, it was entirely my choice and I don't regret it for a second - but I don't understand why this choice takes away my option to be able to say how I feel toward my step son - which incidentally, is 90% of the time is overwhelming positive and amazing. 10% of the time find negativity in the same challenges all parents do (not always specific to DSD), and it's already hard enough to vocalise how difficult that can be which is not helped by people assuming "venting" means step parents "dislike" or want to "destablise" their step children. I couldn't think of anything I'd want LESS than do that to a child who has done absolutely NOTHING wrong - if DSD has a problem, it's normally down to the discrepancy between DP and his exes parenting styles, not DSD!

For what it's worth, I have a stepmother. She's horrible, but so is my Dad. That's why I'm NC with him, and it's nothing to do with her. My Dad is the idiot, he was the one who walked out on his family and cheated. I don't blame her one bit - I was glad when my Dad walked out because he was such a giant arsehole, and him leaving was the turning point in my life. My DSD has flourished since DP and ex split - nothing to do with me at all, but the toxic environment he was in at home was making him physically ill and creating a massive behavioural challenge which DP, ex and I (as a team!) have minimised through love and safety.

NZmonkey · 10/02/2016 14:14

OP will be asleep its middle of night where she comes from.

Oh and my DSDs mum once said to me that 'DSD is the biggest f#### nightmare of a baby ever' guess its OK for her to say that about her own daughter thought. Not really sure what she was meaning I think DSD is a delight to have around.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 10/02/2016 14:16

Catch you may think dsd is feeling vulnerable and jealous, but I just don't think it's the case. DP spoke to his ex about it and she thought dsd was awful doing that. She has a little boy with her current partner and I think she wants to make sure dsd isn't like this with him as well. Her nanna (mum's mum) told her that she is a very lucky girl and once said in a jokey but serious way that she is a bit of a princess.

CallMeMaybe · 10/02/2016 14:21

And turn it around. Would you be content at the idea of your new partner, you know, the one whose children you are putting down on a public Internet forum came on here and said the same about your children? You know, the ones he is a step parent to?

If a step parent feels that they don't have the authority to discipline a child they've been left in charge of for twelve hours then the issue isn't the child's, it's the partner who has the expectation that you stay in charge of his children while he goes out who needs to question just what kind of role he expects you to play in their lives. It's unrealistic to expect that a step parent be placed in a supervisory role of step children but not be allowed to discipline them if they don't behave. As a parent you allow school to discipline your children for instance, so why not a new partner?

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 10/02/2016 14:25

My DP is fine with me disciplining dsd and understands when I am not happy with the way she has behaved or acted. it just seems that MN doesn't like me saying anything negative about dsd because she's my dsd and not my DD.

Sanityseeker75 · 10/02/2016 14:31

All the people that think it is a very unkind thread - surely that is just your interpretation.

What I would love to say to DSS - you are definitely my favorite child until you become the teenager as your easy going nature and ready smile melts my heart every time I see you.

DSD - I secretly laugh at your wicked sense of humor even though this is usually when I have walked out the room because you need to work on your timing, this was never funnier than when telling her dad how impressed she was at him doing something because she just thought it was always my job and didn't think he knew how to do it (she is 16).

My own DS, I am so proud of how he opened his heart and home to his DSB and DSS and always always just sees them as his bro and sis. I don't tell him this because to him our life is the norm and he would think I have gone a bit bat shit

wowis · 10/02/2016 14:37

Absolutely those last few posters . I love my step daughters and I love my own children and venting about all things is great and therapeutic for me . Doesn't equal 'having a pop' or 'belittling' it's venting . Letting off steam about frustrations because I have chosen to love these children in very difficult circumstances. I tell them I love them quite happily and at 8 and 12 that's something I make sure to do . But sweet Jesus If I didn't vent about them, their god damn mother etc I d be a far less effective and genuine parent to them than I am. Making people feel ashamed for venting here is ridiculous. As always move on if this thread is not for you . You clearly don't get where some of us are coming from.

3phase · 10/02/2016 14:56

There is very little I could say about my DSD that her parents wouldn't say themselves....both of them.

She's been a bloody nightmare the past couple of years and her Mum is the first to say so. I've found DH with his head in his hands over DSD twice in the last couple of weeks. She's with us >50% of the time. DH works full time. So it's me that sees the most of her, I'm on my way to watch her in a netball match now as it happens - just me, neither of her actual parents.

Frankly I reckon I have every right to rant / vent about her. I don't generally, not publicly or on MN but you should hear the shit I say under my breath Shock.

Ranting isn't demonising.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 10/02/2016 17:23

I'm in 2 minds about the venting.

Whilst I find that it gets things off my chest and I can let it all out, and when I am in a particularly bad mood I an argument is just what I need to project my feelings out. Where better to come than here for that?
However, when I am feeling really down posting on here can make it worse because then people who know absolutely nothing about you make judgements and say things that really start to fuck your head up.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 10/02/2016 17:24

Not healthy ^^ I know. I need a life.

missybct · 10/02/2016 17:28

Very much agree with the last few posters - both of DSS parents (plus grandparents) will often have a rant about DSS because by their own admission, he can be entitled and selfish. So from that point of view, we all agree Wink

3phase · 10/02/2016 17:33

No I completely agree cantwait and it's a crying shame because there really isn't a lot of support available for stepparents and it's a bloody hard job.

swingofthings · 10/02/2016 17:35

If parents responded to 'what would you like to say to your child in real life but can't' most of it would be done with love. The step-children version is more likely to be done in the spirit of resentment or worse.

What OP uses as an example is definitely something I would have told my children. It is something that my OH would say too, however I agree that the tone would likely be different. I think that's because when saying it, I would be thinking that DS's attitude was reflective of my DS' behaviour, whereas I think DP would be thinking that it was reflective of DS's being, ie, I would think that his behaviour is not cute, OH would think that DS is not cute.

I think if a SP is able to separate 'bad behaviour' from 'bad person', and also capable of making as many positive comments as negative ones, then I don't think such comment will be taken any differently coming from their SP rather than their parent.

WSM123 · 10/02/2016 17:46

It's a shame so many of you missed the point of a NO JUDGEMENT thread. It could have been brilliant as it was on the forum I stole it from, but instead it became a judgmental bitch fest

OP posts:
FaFoutis · 10/02/2016 17:50

You can't tell people how to respond OP. That isn't how it works.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 10/02/2016 17:55

I think if a SP is able to separate 'bad behaviour' from 'bad person', and also capable of making as many positive comments as negative ones, then I don't think such comment will be taken any differently coming from their SP rather than their parent.

I can think of many nice things about dsd. Particularly when it comes to her baby brother. Dsd isn't a bad person at all, but at times she really does annoy me and situations relating to her annoy me even more. Things like being asked/expected to pick her up from school every day after school or being expected to look after her through every school holiday.

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