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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Did your DSC come to your wedding?

121 replies

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/02/2016 11:24

If your DP had children when you met, did they come to your wedding? How did their DM feel about it?

Did it depend on how old they were? If you're not married but think you might be, have you thought about how it would work?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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MarkRuffaloCrumble · 07/02/2016 01:14

Yes we've done the Christmases too, but TBH I think next year I will avoid that one. It makes it is just too close for my liking.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 07/02/2016 01:15

It makes sense - it's just too close.

LazySusan11 · 07/02/2016 07:34

Dh and I wanted to get married away and on our own, having struggled with being a 'step mum' I enjoyed the idea. However as we began planning I realised that in marrying my dh I would also need to accept his dd or it wouldn't work.

We had an intimate wedding in the end dsd (who was 7) was my bridesmaid and was her dads ring bearer. It was a really special day and even though I do still struggle at times with dsd I wouldn't have changed that day for the world. She was amazing, we may not always see eye to eye but she's my dh daughter and through her I am learning so much about patience, flexibility and about how I am as a person.

I may not always say it but my life is richer for having dsd in it. If you're able make her a part of your day.

riverboat1 · 07/02/2016 10:06

DSS's mum got married last year. He (9) wasn't thrilled about the idea (even though hedluved with his mum and her partner for years) and wasn't excited about the wedding at all. However on the day he had a great time, was in his element as the leader of all the kids there etc.

On the wedding video there is a beautiful moment during the church service where the camera pans away from the couple and to the three children in the front row. There is the mum's kid (my DSS) her new husband's kid, and the kid they have together. They are all giggling and nudging each other. It is incredibly touching and really encapsulates what the wedding was all about. (Me and DP were in attendance at the wedding BTW!)

StayWithMe · 07/02/2016 10:35

Hi OP, if the mother is so resistant to the thought of her ex marrying, then the children will be put through the mill once she hears he's married, anyway. Be prepared for her trying to keep the kids from your DP once she hears you're married anyway.

It looks like you can't win and the kids will suffer either way, so why not have them there? At least they'll have a lovely day and will feel included in their dad's family. If she goes off on one with the kids then she's only got herself to blame if she damages their relationship with their own mother.

ShinyShinyShiny · 07/02/2016 10:38

DSS wasn't at our wedding as his mother wouldn't allow him to come. He was 8 at the time.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 07/02/2016 14:10

cappy I have a horrible feeling dp's exwife is going to want to come to our wedding. Am I going to look like an insecure loon when I suggest she stays the fuck away isn't invited?

She's probably going to invite us to hers, too. It's all too cosy!

JapanNextYear · 07/02/2016 22:04

DH sons were his best men, DSD was bridesmaid. Ex came to wedding. I think that was hard for her, but I'm glad she did. My sis was a bit about that but heck DH family is huge and all encompassing so we are at loads of same events anyway.

I think you either probably have to have a really low key, tiny wedding. Or just plan or with the kids. As pp said at least they'll get yo have the party.

Is there anyone sensible who could talk some sense to the ex?

JapanNextYear · 07/02/2016 22:07

Oh and dh's ex is sane and reasonable, which obviously helps enormously.

Original poster

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/02/2016 14:08

That's so lovely to hear Susan.

That's an interesting idea Japan. Seems unlikely but you never know. I'll mention it to DP.

We've now made some plans assuming they'll be with us. Doing exactly what we want, with the people we want and in the place we want. Having done that I can't really imagine how it will feel if they aren't with us. But we'll travel hopefully!

We already have them that weekend and if the aggro continues we'll just whisk them away with us, have a happy couple of days, involve them in the day as much as they want, and deal with the drama afterwards.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/03/2016 11:26

Update! We were away with the DSC for Easter weekend and my DSD said Mummy's letting them come to our wedding. Haven't spoken to DSS about it, he's less complicated generally and has only really cared about what he's going to wear and what jobs he can have to help out on the day!

Who knows what'll happen nearer the time but it's weeks away now and I was so grateful for everyone's thoughts and advice, and the experiences you've all had and were kind enough to share.

I'm glad our approach seems to have worked - focussing on the positives, how much we want them to be with us, being open to their feelings and what they want to do, how they want to be involved, but not putting any pressure on them. And by talking about it gently and over a period of time, letting them get excited about it, it's been down to her to explain why she was against it and thankfully changing her mind.

OP posts:

lateforeverything · 29/03/2016 11:42

Oh that's lovely!

I hope that all goes well. My dss is 12 now and was meant to be ring-bearer at our wedding when he was 4 but he got a bit shy bless him. He and my nephew who's a few years older were wearing matching suits so my nephew stepped in for him.

momb · 29/03/2016 11:57

Good news Anne ! I hope the rest of your plans go well and you have a great day.

onadifferentplanet · 29/03/2016 12:06

My ds' would have been perfectly happy to attend their father's wedding and I would have happily let them go. However his new wife decided she didn't want them there or indeed for him ever to have any contact with them ever again, he was spineless enough to agree . We only discovered they had married a couple of years later thanks to the wonder of Facebook. Also discovered they have 3 siblings that way too!

Binders1 · 29/03/2016 12:11

onadifferentplanet WHAT A LOWLIFE!!!!

Anne so glad your DSC will get to enjoy the day. Thumbs up for the mum!

lateforeverything · 29/03/2016 12:18

Shame on them onadifferentplanet. My word.

Having said that, my dss has no contact whatsoever with bio mum at all as she wants a girl with her new dh so has cut dss out of her life. (Also written on Facebook.) Urgh

JapanNextYear · 29/03/2016 12:22

Yep, bridesmaids and best men. It was nice. DH ex there too, she took the kids home at the end, they were teenage ish.

Ludwsys · 29/03/2016 12:24

Dsd was 6 and was one of my bridesmaids. She's 17 now and in fact we were talking about it only yesterday. Her mother wasn't particularly happy about it at the time but knew it was best for her dd. Her mum hasn't been happy about me and dh over the years but she puts her feelings aside for the good of her dd and I admire her for it, she's raised a great kid.

Ludwsys · 29/03/2016 12:26

Ha ha, I've now answered this twice, lol

At least my answers match!!

Binders1 · 29/03/2016 12:34

OMG what is it with these parents! lateforeverything good job she has you then!

TooAswellAlso · 29/03/2016 12:52

I think that's an awful pressure on your step children OP.how sad :-(

When we get remarried we will have all three children there. (Or none if we elope, but think we have gone off that idea now) but it will be up to them how much involvement they have.

I went to my fathers. I was 17, hated him and my stepmother, got pissed and apparently ruined a load of wedding pictures (boo hoo for him) I wish I hadn't gone tbh.

My mothers was small and children and parents only. It was a good day and didn't affect me, but I was older and married myself.

Purplerain067 · 29/03/2016 14:08

We plan to get married in a few years. DSC are involved in the day, DSD's will be bridesmaids alongside my DD too. I can't imagine it any other way.

lateforeverything · 29/03/2016 16:19

Thanks Binders

Wdigin2this · 31/03/2016 22:03

All of our DC (all grown) were part of our wedding party, the EW and her new DH were also there...it seemed the civilised thing to do, and I don't regret it! We have very little contact, but we are quite relaxed when we do see each other at family events etc!

Lighteningirll · 31/03/2016 22:51

Same e experience as Bluebell on reflection I didn't think about quite how unhappy lonely and sad his ex was. The wedding was too much for her and she couldn't bear her dd to be involved, we still have a fractured relationship as the ex is still heartbroken and can't bear 'her' dc being part of our new family. I feel for her she lost a wonderful man we have been together ten years it's still not really any better.

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