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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Did your DSC come to your wedding?

121 replies

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/02/2016 11:24

If your DP had children when you met, did they come to your wedding? How did their DM feel about it?

Did it depend on how old they were? If you're not married but think you might be, have you thought about how it would work?

OP posts:

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charliebambi · 03/02/2016 09:42

My dsc were at our wedding. It was only after we got married that the ex showed her true colours to me

BathshebaDarkstone · 03/02/2016 09:46

The other way around, my DD, DHs DSD. It was a handfasting, she was 2, they passed around a basket of rose petals to throw as we walked around the circle, she tipped the whole lot on the ground.

Flixy102 · 03/02/2016 10:45

DSD was bridesmaid at our wedding (I think she was about 13). There was never any doubt that she would be involved. She loved the day and stayed (really surprisingly) at the reception until midnight.

Her mum, on the other hand was extremely awkward throughout the entire process, but that's another story!

PrettyBrightFireflies · 03/02/2016 12:30

Did your DP ex never have another relationship if it was such a bad thing for the children?

No. She insists it's very bad for the DCs. But, neither did her mum, so she's no other experience to draw on. Which would be fine, except that she forces her opinion on the DCs.

At 10 years old, DHs DS wrote in his school work that once a baby is born the man can be "left out" of the family, because he's "done his job". Very sad.

Original poster

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2016 13:32

Oh wow Pretty. That's incredibly sad. DS having any sort of relationship with his father is a hell of an achievement if that's what he's being led to believe.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2016 13:34

My dsc were at our wedding. It was only after we got married that the ex showed her true colours to me

Oh no, maybe I'm not worried enough if that's a possibility! Was she averse to the idea charlie, and did she object to them being there?

OP posts:

WithYourKissMyLifeBegins · 03/02/2016 14:37

Cheers Anne it is difficult and is a tad unsettling a joyous occasion is causing consternation.

My fiance's DD is excited and coming up with ideas regarding some aspects of our wedding but cos her mum is not taking our news too well it is hard for her. We did ask her to be a bridesmaid however she felt she could not say yes and we understand her reasons.

We knew my fiance's DS would not be on board at all so no shock there. DP did speak to his DD before he proposed - we were engaged last month - to check she accepts me. We are disappointed she will not be a bridesmaid or at our marriage ceremony but we are not shocked she said no. Delighted she will be with us in the evening so at least she will share part of our day.

I cannot think of advice in your situation it is a hard one to call for the best. Why does his ex have such an issue?

Original poster

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2016 16:32

Enjoy your planning withyourkiss, it should be exciting! Do you know what your plans are yet? Have you set a date?

It is good your DSD will be with you in the evening. Can't be easy for her having her brother in a different place on the whole thing and stick from her Mum.

Well, not easy for any of you, but given the hassle she must be facing it's got to be testament to her feelings for you and her DF that she's been honest about what she can comfortably take part in and that she'll be celebrating with you.

On ours, we have absolutely no idea what the issue is at all. Would be so much easier if we did. I haven't met her and she and DP have very limited comms, just emails about contact which is planned for months at a time, all relatively amicable but very brief.

She's not hostile to me in general terms as far as I know, doesn't mind him having a girlfriend, happy for me to look after them etc. She hasn't told them he's not allowed to marry me, he's not allowed to marry ANYONE.

We've been talking about getting married for a while, decided last month, and DP started talking to the DC about the idea. By then she must have put in many months of groundwork about what a terrible idea it is for Daddy to get married and they're completely torn on the potential reality (happy day, dresses etc) vs the philosophical issues she's dumping on them (oh the horror, naughty daddy, angry mummy). Must be mighty confusing.

OP posts:

Binders1 · 03/02/2016 16:42

I think it's a little sad for the children who were not able to play a part in a wedding if they really wanted to for fear of upsetting their DM's.

A friend of mine asked his DS to be best man when he married OW. His DS didn't want to be but is the type who never wants to upset anyone. He was happy to be at the wedding but he said he didn't want to make a speech, so he didn't - even though his dad kept trying to make him. I heard them bickering when his dad kept wanting him to pose all the time in photos with just the three of them - he did look really uncomfortable.

He doesn't have a bond with his 'SM' and doesn't class her as that. His dad even said he doesn't have to think of her as his SM.

So whilst I think it's great if children can and want to be at a wedding, if it is sensitive, don't force them to do things or parade them around like some sort of trophy especially if you know they are not comfortable with it.

LastFirstEverything · 03/02/2016 17:30

I think the most important thing OP is what you've done already- you've told and shown your DSC that you really want them there. Whatever you end up doing, they'll remember that they were wanted at such an important and special occasion, and that's important and special in itself.

When my Dad remarried, his wife's dd's were the bridesmaids. They were almost the same ages as me and my DBro, and we were ordinary guests. We also didn't know anyone there, and felt very isolated. Many people had no idea how/if we were related to the wedding party! The unevenness hurt, and I felt quite humiliated and rubbish. But we were sort of happy to be included at all. I would have loved to have been closer to them and more involved. Now we are almost NC, just to do with geography and also Dad not being interested in us.

WithYourKissMyLifeBegins · 04/02/2016 08:49

Anne I am so excited! Date set in June venue booked. I have an appointment at a bridal shop tomorrow.

DSD will be coming with a few friends to our evening reception not the same as having her brother with her but is something.

Her mum hates her seeing me sadly for DSD. I feel for her. Her mum and I did speak when I met DSD but she made it clear she does not want further contact from me so I cannot see how I can make it easier for DSD.

DSD sure knows how to speak her mind but we do encourage her to be honest in respect of how she feels and we do not want her under any more pressure. She gets on great with her dad so that helps.

Seems your DP's ex has many issues if she will not countenance him marrying again. Have they been split up long? I assume he left her. Does she have a DP? I sincerely hope you can all find a way forward. Such a difficult situation for the kids and so conflicting for them.

Binders I agree with you. It is sad for the kids who miss out and I concur forcing the kids into a situation where they are not comfortable is not good form too.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 04/02/2016 09:40

Seems your DP's ex has many issues if she will not countenance him marrying again. Have they been split up long? I assume he left her.

There are many SMs here on MN whose DHs were cheated on by their exs, yet the exW is still hostile and negative towards the SM.
Sadly, it seems that it's more about control then emotions in some cases.

maybebabybee · 04/02/2016 09:43

I won't be attending my father's wedding, but that is primarily because the woman he is marrying is my mother's former best friend!

BathshebaDarkstone · 04/02/2016 09:50

I should add that DF and XSMs wedding the bridesmaids were me, my cousin, XSSis and her cousin.

CharmingChampignon · 04/02/2016 09:57

DH and his brother were not invited to their dad's wedding with their stepmother. All the rest of their extended family on their dad's side were so they got to see photos of their cousins of a similar age etc all there.

It's one of the many reasons DH has very little contact and DBIL has no contact at all.

Kim82 · 04/02/2016 09:58

My ex isn't planning on getting married as far as I'm aware but if he was I would find it very odd if the two children we have together weren't invited.

Sadly, though, it wouldn't surprise me if they weren't. I have seen photos of family get togethers that they weren't invited to and they weren't invited to their grandad's wedding. His family is very odd.

Busybuzzybumblebee · 04/02/2016 14:48

Me and foo and getting married this year, my dsc will be bm and page boy, my dsd came dress shopping with me, my dp wouldn't have done it if they couldn't come. His ex isn't happy about it but as youngest is 11 she can't really ban him, although we were asked not to send invites or info to the house, which we have respected

NZmonkey · 04/02/2016 18:04

DP and I are getting married abroad with imediate family and a couple of friends, in less than 2 months. DSD who's 4 and her 3 cousins will all be flower girls. DSD is so excited and keeps asking when we are going.
DSDs mother was basically gushing for 10 minutes at DP about how great it was we are getting married and how happy she is for him. Unfortunately she has increased her nasty comments to him about ten fold since and we are hoping she won't back out of letting us take DSD with us to the wedding.

SorrelForbes · 06/02/2016 09:39

When DH and I got married we'd obviously planned it to include his children. DSS had come to live with us and due to needing more space for him to have his own room we sold our house and arranged to move into accommodation linked to DH'S work. Being unmarried at the time of the move we could only live there if one or more of DH'S children lived there too. The week before the move DSS decided to move back to his mum's and went NC. We therefore had no option to get married very quickly at a register office (witnesses only) to avoid being homeless!

We found out a few months later that DSS's 'change of mind' had been planned and done on purpose.. We did have a big celebration a month or so later which involved both of them. DSS got very drunk and was sick everywhere!

All a bit of a mess really.

EllieJayJay · 06/02/2016 23:51

Mine will be attending when the big day arrives :) DP does however have full custody

For me our wedding is as much about them as me and DP - it will make it "official" that we are a family :) I can't wait to let them pick out what they want to wear and will be involving them as much as possible (but no darlings we are not having a frozen or Star Wars theme!)

cappy123 · 06/02/2016 23:59

DSD and her mum were at our wedding, with DSD being bridesmaid. DH and DSD's mum never married or lived together, but DH did briefly marry someone else when DSD was about 3 and the exW didn't allow DSD's mum to that wedding. We've all spent Christmases together too. Sometimes a little too cosy for my liking.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 07/02/2016 00:08

Oh Cappy, I hear you! No plans to marry dp at present but he did say that he'd probably invite his ex if we did marry. I imagine if we had a decent size ceremony I'd probably invite my ex's family as I still get on well with them, so it would be churlish not to invite my ex too. Weird though, hey?!

EllieJayJay · 07/02/2016 00:21

That is very weird to me, ex is not coming anywhere near our wedding - but then to be fair doesn't see DC so no risk of this

I shudder at the thought

But it's what works for each individual family, so fair play if it works for you!

MaitlandGirl · 07/02/2016 00:24

My exH didn't tell our children he was getting married again (or tell them they had half siblings) - I found out from his mum. Shame we weren't even divorced at that point so I had to call the registrar and get the wedding stopped before he totally wasted her new bride (and new MILs money).

At the wedding my ex-Inlaws took great delight in telling everyone about his 1st marriage and other children. Apart from the bride and her mum no one else had the slightest idea he had a past and other children.

My kids are now 20-15 and very jaded about their dad and his actions. They haven't seen him in over 10years and don't want anything to do with him.

It's a shame as I'd have happily let the attend the wedding and would have encouraged a close relationship between them and their half siblings.

cappy123 · 07/02/2016 00:49

No, sorry I meant the Christmases are a little too much, that's when I miss my own family. No problem with his exP at the wedding, we get on and she basically babysat DSD.

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