Did your DSC come to your wedding?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

If your DP had children when you met, did they come to your wedding? How did their DM feel about it?

Did it depend on how old they were? If you're not married but think you might be, have you thought about how it would work?

My SD was going to be my Flower Girl. She had been very excited about it and was/is comfortable and happy with my role in her life. Her mother phoned my husband a day before the wedding and announced my SD would not be attending as apparently she was frightened of walking down the aisle. My husband was prevented from talking his daughter to reassure her or even see her. We ended up not seeing my SD for over a month.

The family were upset, my husband was upset and the vicar even mentioned it when addressing the congregation. There was no reason for her mother to have done that except to cause pain. DH and I got together a year after they split - I had nothing to do with it and yet she tried to spoil my wedding because of jealousy. She's been the same ever since - 7 years later....

Thank you for all your thoughts.

My DSIS and I were bridesmaids when my DF married DSM, it was lovely to be involved and my brothers did readings. DM wasn't there but she was at their much larger engagement party and it's all pretty amicable. She was pleased they involved us.

DP and I are recently engaged and have talked to the DSC hypothetically about the idea of us getting married. I've left it to him as want them to feel able to be completely open and they've had a few chats.

They've said they love me, want us to get married and want to be involved - walking us down the aisle, handing over rings etc. But they've also said their DM has told them we're not allowed to get married, Daddy's not allowed to marry anyone and she'll be very angry with them if they're there (should it happen, she doesn't know we're engaged).

They've been divorced ages, I'm not OW, she's been fine about them spending xmas with us and my family, we have them every weekend and in the week, she's happy for me to look after one while she's arranged stuff for DP to do with the other one (whole other thread). She's just pre-empted any talk of them being at our wedding should we marry by saying they'll upset her and she'll be angry.

What position does that put them in? And what do we do?

Of course we want them to be there, we've never been able to imagine doing it without them. I can't think of anything lovelier than us being together and it'll be a small do anyway, just a simple ceremony and a meal afterwards.

Do we risk letting them know when it's happening, them telling her and them being banned from attending? Doing it as "a surprise" and them being put through hell when she finds out they were there? Or risk them blaming us for excluding them, when it won't feel right doing it without them anyway?

StUmbrageinSkelt How do you think it would have worked if she hadn't been at your wedding? Would she have regretted it afterwards, despite being chippy at the time?

DP has asked the DC how they feel about the idea, philosophically, and they're well on board. Likewise, when he asked if they'd like to be there.

On top of the idea of special outfits and a special day they're happy having me in their life, love our home, and want to be there when something new and exciting happens.

But their DM is violently against the idea, though she hasn't given them a reason, and has gone so far as to tell them their Dad simply isn't allowed to get married, irrespective of who to!

Bluebell, this is exactly what I'm afraid of.... it must have been horribly difficult for everyone but I hope you managed a happy wedding day notwithstanding.

I have also been a 'bridesmaid' when I was younger at my Dads wedding to my step mother. At the time I felt like I had to do it, and felt like I was being paraded around to show his family how integrated we all were (we weren't at all). It felt very awkward but I had to go along with it. Looking back I wish I'd been given a little more of a say about whether I wanted to do it.

It is, after all, celebrating the fact that your own mum and dad will never get back together. There should be a little empathy to the childs feelings, that may be a little mixed even if they can't express or feel that openly.

Whilst I, and many other step children may genuinely want their parents to be happy in their remarriage - calling on them to publicly be a main part of the ceremony if the child is old enough to get some of the nuances of life, is a I think, a little forced.

I think that a child over 10 should be asked, without pressure, on whether they wanted to be a) attend b) would like to be in a role or not -that is preferable in my book.

That's awkward - what a position for her to put them in!

I would be open with them, get them involved. I think risking the fall-out afterwards, whether that is after the wedding or when she finds out about it, is better than keeping it a secret or not involving them. It is more likely that they'll 'understand' the fall-out that they can see rather than what is being prevented - if you see what I mean...

Still not great either way, but, like I mentioned in my post above with my SD - at least my SD knows absolutely that she was supposed to be at the wedding, plans were in place and she knew about it. I think she has a vague idea that her mum caused her to not be there as she has mentioned it now and again and I can see she is uncomfortable, which is painful to see, however this sort of situation comes with the territory when there is a bitter ex involved. You just have to be as open and honest as you can with the children (age-appropriate) and they will come to their own conclusions as to who's to blame etc when they are older.

Yes Anne - thank you! Wedding was lovely but I know my husband can't look at the pictures sometimes as it is a reminder of his daughter and her smiley face not being there amongst all her cousins.

OP We had a similar situation - DHs ex would have taken it out on DHs DCs if they'd come to our wedding.

We got married in secret in the end - no one knew (not even my DD), and even though we had a renewal years later and invited friends and family, we timed it so DHs younger DC didn't have to choose whether to come or not (as he was out of the country). DHs older DC (by then an adult) was invited, but didn't come. I don't know if the younger one actually knows we're married, tbh.

Absolutely bananas, and you've said exactly what I told DP to consider when he spoke to them.

I remember my DSIS having a moment about 8 years after my parents divorced, 7 odd years after DF met DSM but before they got married, and asking me if DM and DF were definitely not getting back together. She was a teenager but bits of it were as raw as ever. And she's very fond of DSM and was happy a couple of years later to be a bridesmaid.

Clearly, a wedding brings this stuff to the fore and we've talked a lot about how to handle the situation and to have the children's wellbeing as the key priority.

We'd be more than happy for them to be there without having a distinct role, but at the mention of a wedding they jumped straight to aisles, rings and holding flowers of their own!

All lovely to hear and think about, but difficult they're so invested and then also conflicted - they know what they want (and it really was them suggesting stuff, not DP) and they know they'll be in trouble for it.

Good to hear blue, though tough for your husband

By "secret" I meant the date, not the occasion. Eg tell them we're going somewhere for the weekend then say we're going to be getting married the same day, here are your special outfits sort of thing. Saves her being able to stop them from going. But that might be an awful idea! We don't want them to feel compromised or tricked.

That sounds complicated pretty! Did you ask them about it or just know what would happen if you'd tried to involve them?

Was your DD okay about not being there?

We eloped and just took a couple of witnesses with us (no family). It was a brilliant day and don't regret it for a second.

DH's ex was always emotionally manipulative (threats of suicide, once because we were going on holiday!). We didn't want to put the kids through weeks of build up so just quietly went off and did it.

The first time I met my (now ex) step mother was after the wedding (I attended the wedding) at the evening do. That was the first time I was introduced to her. I was about 12. They're divorced now. But I wouldn't have wanted to have been excluded from it. It would've meant me just being pushed further away from my father. (He's pretty good at that).

This mum is going to put her children through the ringer whatever you do I think. Quietly book your wedding and tell them once they at yours for contact. She will guilt trip them either way by the sounds of it.

The first I knew of my dads wedding was seeing pictures of it at my grandmas house! We didn't ever know he'd swapped random woman X for random woman Y!! My mum wouldn't have stopped us going she'd have been glad to get rid of us for a few days. In case the bitterness didn't come across, yes it's still there.

No, we went off on our own and got married. We told the kids and our parents before. Exes did not find out till after, not sure how, Facebook I think. We knew they would not have anything nice to say so we did not tell them.

My ex has not mentioned it ever and it has been a year now. DH's ex said congratulations, but has been a bitch since.

Kids did not mind not going, once they realised that being married meant no changes at home they were not bothered.

Anne you and your DP sound very considerate to the kids. What a shame their mum is being vindictive. I would be open and say you'd love them to be there, but will understand if they feel awkward. I wouldn't keep anything from them. But if they want to be there it's totally unfair of their mum to stop them.

How about being totally open with them and say that you would love them to be present, but that if it made them feel uncomfortable, you would understand, that they can be very involved, or very little as they wish.

One sure thing, your decision to get married shouldn't be based on whether they want or don't want to be at the wedding, and should have nothing to do whatsoever with what the ex wants/doesn't want.

Don't get to hang up by what they claim she said. For one it could have been distorted, but most likely, she might have said it as she was having a bad day, or feeling angry. If you get engaged, she will have time to adjust to the idea and accept it, by which time, she might totally change her mind and accept that whatever she feels about it shouldn't stop her children enjoying the day.

Yes, what swing says.

Why not just fix the date, let ex know with a diplomatic phone call.

Mine were there, they were all involved - bridesmaids, ring bearer, and it was lovely having them there.

Their mum was negative about it in front of them, but didn't try to prevent them coming or anything, so the DSC just learned not to speak about it in front of her, and shared their excitement with us. The girls at least did seem genuinely really pleased for their dad, and didn't seem to be uncomfortable about the fact that their parents weren't going to get back together. DSD2 did ask about vows at one point and the fact that her dad and mum had made promisses that weren't kept, and we had a chat about how people did things with the best of intentions and I was sure they'd meant them when they'd said them but that sometimes relationships were hard. I also went as far as I was comfortable going with gently pointing out that her mum left DH for another man, something she knew already really.

I'd suggest in your situation that you tell your DSC that you've got engaged whilst they're with you on contact, but that you've not yet set a date. Then your DP can tell his ex at the same time by email, so she doesn't have to hear it from the kids. Then see how that goes down and give her a bit of time to get used to the idea before you decide whether to tell her a date but I think it would be much better to tell them and their mum when it is. You you could try tagging it onto a week or so that you've already agreed that you'll have them - eg a school holiday or something. If there's any dates when their mum is off on a child-free holiday and the kids will be with you, that would be ideal as she's not going to want to cancel her own holiday in order to prevent them attending.

DSS1 was best man, DSS2 walked me down the aisle, it was lovely and we were very happy to have them there.

Their mum isn't very nice (I was not OW), but the kids ignored her and came anyway.

DSS was there, wasn't part of the wedding party but was dressed in the wedding colours - at three he was a bit young for it, not because we didn't want him to be.

The ex was ok, except she refused to come and get him after the wedding so we had to do the 400 mile round journey to drop him off instead of going on our honeymoon the next day (having been to collect him 2 days prior).

My DDs were bridesmaids at their dad's wedding. I didn't get an invite [sceptical] but told I would be "very welcome and could I pick them up at the end of the night"

Which meant that a/ I couldn't get sozzled as I had to collect them and b/ I did get to hear first hand while it was fresh about a really special day in their lives.

My half brothers mum got married to her partner a few year ago and didnt invite any of her or his dc. They literally just rang them after and said " oh me and brian have just got married" .

If your all happy with them being there/being part of the wedding then go for it, i agree with the poster that said about doing it when you would normaly have contact with them anyway.

That sounds complicated pretty! Did you ask them about it or just know what would happen if you'd tried to involve them

Ex made no secret of her feelings to us or the DCs - they were punished for wanting to see their dad/talking about him and as for me, she expected me to leave the house when her DCs were in it. She always considered remarriage (actually, just a relationship whether married or not) to be the ultimate betrayal of the DCs.

It made it easier in one respect as we didn't have the dilemma that we might otherwise have done - we knew that "asking them" would have caused them upset and conflict. Our lives, and the DCs, have been a lot less complicated and dramatic since we decided to just go along with what DHs ex wants and accommodate her reactions - it's not what DH would choose for his DCs, but in the long run its a lot less damaging for them.

As for my DD, she found out that we were 'married' at the same time as all our friends and family years after the event - she was a bit peeved for a few minutes but was old enough to know that her mum is always going to be unconventional !

We are getting married in the summer. My fiance's kids will not be at the wedding ceremony - their choice both were asked.

His DD will be at our evening reception but his DS has declined. His DD does not want to upset her mum by being there when we get married and she is a bit sensitive in respect of seeing her dad marry me. After a tad difficult start understatement we have a fairly good relationship and she wants to know all the details about our wedding plans and has been looking at dresses online with me.

My fiance's son has made it clear from the beginning he won't be there at all and has made his displeasure at our engagement known to his dad.

A lot of different stories and perspectives, so interesting and I'm really grateful for everyone's advice and experiences.

Swing and blue, yes, makes a lot of sense. Thank you!

DP is probably worried given all that she's already said about the idea of it that as soon as the DC tell her it's definitely happening she'll never let them out the house again on the off chance we'll get hitched one weekend...

But maybe we're worrying too much.

Pretty*, that's interesting to hear you had a similar situation. Though what I can't get my head around is how fine she seems about me being in their lives and the relationship we currently have, yet how DP and I getting married will be such a horrendous change and such a drama it's worth tying the DSC up in knots about. Did your DP ex never have another relationship if it was such a bad thing for the children?

I want it to be a happy occasion, as easy as possible, relaxed and memorable - for good reasons.

Anyway, she'll see how excited they are about it and either go along with it for their sakes, or yell at them for betraying her. Hard to predict.

withyourkiss that's so sad to hear and must make things difficult. Nice that your DSC is being involved in the ways she feels comfortable.

Did you know how they'd feel before you got engaged or was it a horrible shock?