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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Did your DSC come to your wedding?

121 replies

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/02/2016 11:24

If your DP had children when you met, did they come to your wedding? How did their DM feel about it?

Did it depend on how old they were? If you're not married but think you might be, have you thought about how it would work?

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Wdigin2this · 31/03/2016 23:29

How sad Lightening, and how kind of you to acknowledge her pain!

Bakerandspice · 11/04/2016 23:08

Yes DSC at the very small wedding.. It was actually lovely to see them so excited about it.

jamtartandcustard · 16/04/2016 18:07

Yep dsd at wedding, she was flower girl. We purposely arranged the wedding on our contact day so ew had no reason to say no (and if she had been funny we just wouldn't have told her. Dsd was only 2 at the time)

Annexx · 18/04/2016 03:39

Wouldn't even consider not inviting DSD. She would be my bridesmaid. I would find it very unusual to not invite them. Also I was at my father's/step mum's wedding. If my mum had a problem with it that's her problem, kids have two parents and it wouldn't have been her place to prevent it. It's a shame some people have experienced that.

Throughgrittedteeth · 03/05/2016 23:15

I wasn't invited to my dads wedding many years ago (I was 3 at the time) and although I have no recollection of any of it, it's still something I really don't understand having now had my DS and looking at blending families soon. I just don't get it, to me the kids are part of the marriage so if they're not there it's a bit of a sham.

princessjonsie67 · 26/05/2016 13:03

You have to invite. My DSS came to our wedding. OK he stole a lot of the welcome drinks and somehow got hold of a pernot and black and just before the meal was served he asked his dad to take him to the loo where he threw up all over his rented suit. My husband missed the first part of the meal cleaning him up. He also rejected any of the food we were serving demanding a macdonald to be bought in and served to him on a plate at the top table. We compromised with a plate of chips but refused his demand for a bottle of ketchup on the table. he was attention seeking all day so all I can say is its not easy but could not have asked him to stay away

missybct · 26/05/2016 13:16

Wouldn't even entertain the idea of DSS not being there. If he choose not to, that's different, but he's nearly 7, and has already said he wants us to get married so I'd expect him to attend, he's our family.

I wouldn't want DSS Mum there, neither would DP and tbh, neither would DSS Mum so jobs a goodun . We have a civilised relationship, but don't get involved in each others lives unless it pertains to DSS. She has been very very difficult in the past, which has been resolved, but I very much doubt she'd prevent DSS from attending our wedding. I'd be very surprised.

I attended my Dad's wedding to my SM when I was 21 - it was a fucking farce - I'd met the woman once (he left my Mum for her when I was 17 but had already proposed before he left Mum), where she pretended like she was Mum of the Year and asked me to do a reading at the wedding. I was young and naive and thought hopefully that this woman would impress upon my Dad that mistakes happen (infidelity) but he's a Dad and needed to step up to the mark. The wedding was horrible, the best man referred to my Mum and Dad's relationship as "the dark days" and she was so unbelievably OTT that it was HAPPY FAMILIES that it made me really upset. It was precisely how NOT to conduct a wedding with step children present, but she didn't give a flying fuck. It was all a charade.

Nothing changed in 10 years - it got worse, I realised SHE was the one preventing my Dad from having a relationship with me and my brother and that anything coming out of her alcohol fuelled mouth was bullshit. Dad is a spineless twat and carries on the pretence. I've not spoken to either of them for 3 years - he's got a grandson on the way (his first) and I still can't bring myself to write him an e-mail/letter as I imagine it'll be intercepted by my SM.

NapQueen · 26/05/2016 13:21

I'd wait till they are with you for the weekend and marry then. Don't tel the kids till the night before. Present it as fact, "X and I got married at the weekend, the kids had a lovely time".

mrsmata · 05/06/2016 01:02

We invited DSD and DSS to our wedding - they were aged 18 and 20 at the time - but both declined the invitation as "it would not be fair on mum".

DH had been divorced from his ex for 12 years at the time and we had been together for 7 years when we married. His ex had been married to her 2nd husband (who she left DH for) for 11 years and had 2 children with him at the point we married.

I was not the other woman as we met after their divorce, however for some unknown reason DH's ex has always resented our marriage and his children have supported her feelings.

As a result DH was also excluded from the graduations of both his elder children with the same reason being cited, and when they married he was invited but I and our DC were not which led to DH not attending despite me being happy for him to do so. He felt that if his children invited their step-father and half-siblings on their mother's side they should do the same for us too.

Until we married I would have said we all got along well - we met up reguarly and neither DSD or DSS seemed to have any negative feeings about me or my relationship with their father.

It's all really very sad and very disappointing but DH ultimately decided that he was just as entitled to have a second marriage and more children as his ex wife was - sadly his children and his ex wife don't seem to feel the same way.
If in the future his children do decide to rebuild their relationship with us we would welcome them without question. We are not holding our breath though.

Eliza22 · 05/06/2016 21:35

No. But then, we did a "me, DH, my best friend and her DH as witnesses" in a registrar's office. We just didn't want a big fuss (second time for both of us). Also, his three kids weren't happy, especially the youngest.

We weren't "allowed" to talk about it leading up to the event and there was hostility following so, I think we did the right thing.

Biglettuce · 05/06/2016 22:43

mrsmata. That is so unfair of your DHs children, to exclude him and you. How hard for you both. Is it their mother who is expecting total loyalty? What about when they have children, will they exclude you too?

I'm afraid of this happening when me and DP marry (no date fixed, just something we both want in next few years). Already the oldest graduated and her mother and her organised a big celebratory lunch, which invited DP but not me. Even though she lived with us, had no problem that I know of with me. So DP didn't go.

Eliza22 · 06/06/2016 07:52

Vim in your situation BigLettuce. Have been not invited to so many things. I can think of no reason to attend now.

whiteonesugar · 08/06/2016 14:26

Yes, DSS was Best Man and DSD was Chief Bridesmaid!

Their mum didnt have a say in it, it was our wedding! Although her parents did show up on the day just I arrived in my Rolls Royce...to 'take pictures of the kids' who were all inside...

Ilovenannyplum · 08/06/2016 15:00

I'm getting married in December, my DSC will be there, DSD will be a bridesmaid and DSS an usher.
Of course they would be there, complete no brainer

everybodysang · 08/06/2016 15:52

they were the only people at our wedding! (apart from two virtual strangers who were witnesses.)

DSS was best man and DSD was bridesmaid (and DD was, well, 18 months old so she just ran around a bit).

They were the only people who mattered.

Ratbagcatbag · 08/06/2016 15:55

Dss was best man for his dad, it was fab. He was 10, he even did a reading.
Dh's ex came to our wedding with her husband and her dsd's. We're all excellent friends (in fact I class her as one of my best mates).

clarrrp · 08/06/2016 17:25

If your DP had children when you met, did they come to your wedding? How did their DM feel about it?

Yeah they came, and so did their other parent, and my kids were there obviously and so was my ex and their new partner.

No hard feelings in this family. Everyone just gets on with it - we all get on pretty well - initially for the kids sake but now just because we genuinely get on. There's no reason not to.

I just wish I got on so well with all my exes.....but that's another story lol

mrsmata · 12/06/2016 01:59

BigLettuce we wish we knew exactly what lies behind it all - their mother demanding total loyalty is one explanation we've discussed over the years. Jealousy is another one too, but as DH's ex-wife was and still is (as far as we know) happily remarried that seems a bit unlikely. It's almost as if in their eyes it was ok for her to move on but not DH.

DH still continued to support his children financially through to the end of their degrees after marrying me and our DC came along afterwards, so it isn't as if our marriage even affected them in that way.

DSS and DSD both have children of their own now and yes we have been excluded from that relationship too. DH discovered both times that he was a grandad through Facebook which was sad and hurtful for him and despite sending congratulations and presents we never received any response.

DH has never missed a birthday for DSD; DSS or their children and we always send something for Christmas to them too.
If we only knew what their problem is we might be able to address it but we don't and so we can't.

Original poster

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/06/2016 10:23

We got married! It was wonderful, the DSC were with us and the four of us have never felt closer or been happier. They were on terrific form, we were so proud of them and I can't imagine not having had them there. They did all the jobs they wanted to - handing over the rings, confetti distribution (!), being in photos. It was a low key do but turned out quite a bit more weddingy than we'd intended due to their involvement, which was so lovely.

We had a heart stopping moment when we went to pick them up on the way to the wedding and there didn't seem to be anyone home and their DM wasn't picking up. Suddenly seemed to have been an awful mistake to have told them when it was happening and give her a chance to scupper it!

But we were wrong to worry (and I felt bad for thinking she'd do that), the DSC eventually came tumbling out very excited about it and we had a brilliant couple of days. And, while I worried about it for months, my now DH was right to give the DC a chance to enjoy the build up and preparations as we got to. They kept referring to it as "our wedding" i.e. all of us, and that was more than we'd have hoped for and a testament to my DHs way of talking to them about it all I think. He's been wonderful.

Their DM knew it was happening but said not a word to my DH at pick up or drop off that weekend and I doubt it'll ever be mentioned between them. The way they (don't) communicate is a mystery to me, but seems to keep drama to a minimum.

So thank you to everyone who gave advice and shared your own stories, fascinating what a variety of situations there are, but that's families and step ones perhaps particularly.

When I look back on the day - saying my vows with a sticky little boy hand squeezing mine, endless stops for trips to the loo, seeing how happy they were at the whole thing, loving my DH for what a good father he is and how much that means to me - it's not something I could ever have imagined but it is something that makes me happy. I doubt we're out of the woods, but so far, I'm grateful for what we have.

OP posts:

WhoGivesAFlying · 17/06/2016 12:59

Congratulations on your wedding, in glad it went smoothly a it sound like you all have a lovely day

Eliza22 · 17/06/2016 15:38

Congratulations to you both! So pleased it all went well and no hitches!

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