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Original poster

Rant Alert- Unreasonable to know who's living in my home?

105 replies

HormonalHeap · 03/12/2015 14:32

Dss 21 has been living with his girlfriend for the last 3 months, occasionally coming back to pick something up.

Early this morning I saw his car outside. On questioning dh, I was told "dss is living here now". I lost my rag and asked dh did he not think it reasonable I am told who lives in my home? Dh responded by saying he doesn't always know if my dd (who lives with us) is staying in or out. I went ballistic am I over reacting?

OP posts:
purpledasies · 03/12/2015 14:38

Of course you should know and be asked. I can think of circumstances where your DH may have felt he had to say an instant yes to DSS if he asked to come home - eg if the GF has thrown him out in a crisis. But the very next minute your DH should be on the phone to you filling you in on what's happening. You shouldn't be finding out by seeing his car outside!

MeridianB · 03/12/2015 14:45

You should have been asked. And you shouldn't be made to feel unreasonable over this.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 03/12/2015 14:47

Thanks Purple, dh feels he doesn't have to ask permission as my children live here too; that's fine by me, it's the lack of respect that upsets me- thanks for responding x

OP posts:
Adelecarberry87 · 03/12/2015 15:45

If the your SS was your bioglogical child it wouldn't be an issue. Parents should always be there for their children, father or mother regardless of age and welcome them with open arms even if its to cool off. I do think your making an issue out of something that doesn't need to be.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 03/12/2015 15:55

Thanks Adele, you're right it wouldn't be an issue of it were my child, because my child would have told me where they were living. Are you implying I should expect less of someone else's child?

OP posts:
purpledasies · 03/12/2015 15:56

adelecarberry - if your DP told your shared biological child that they could move back home, but didn't think to mention it to you, would you not find that a bit odd? What about if they moved their elderly parent in, or offered a remporary roof to a close friend or sibling in a crisis - there are times when that too might be something that realistically they have no choice but to do. But would you not expect to be consulted?

I agree that there are times when young adult children may need an open arms invitation to come back home, but there's no excuse for not telling your partner about this, and leaving them to find out by noticing the car. That's just really disrespectful. That's really making a point that it's your home and your DC's home (even after they've moved out) and your partner is just someone who ranks lower down and doesn't need to be consulted.

frillybiscuits · 03/12/2015 16:07

If I had to move back home during a crisis and my mum's boyfriend reacted like that to her I'd tell him to feck off. It's my mums home as much as it is his and I grew up there, it shouldn't have to be explained. Did DSS live with you full time before moving in with girlfriend? Does he have his own room? Surely it's his home too, why does that constitute an explanation?

Petal02 · 03/12/2015 16:08

As purple points out, this just makes you feel like you rank lower in your home than your stepson. And as far your DH is concerned, he's probably far more concerned with keeping his son happy, than you. Its just part of the warped dynamics that exist in a blended family.

frillybiscuits · 03/12/2015 16:10

In fact I was made homeless a while back in early pregnancy and my dad's wife said I couldn't stay at his house even though he owned the place and paid for her living. If he hadn't have asked her first I wouldn't have had to live in a grotty b&b for 3 months. Your partner might not have told you incase you put up a fight about it and he wouldn't have had anywhere to live

Petal02 · 03/12/2015 16:19

When it comes to adult 'children' moving back in, I definitely think it should be a joint decision.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 03/12/2015 16:20

Wrong Frillybuscuits, my husband knows there would have been no fight as my children live here too. Im sorry your dad was weak but I think you're projecting your past against a different set of circumstances. I'm objusting to the fact that for example i might have walked out my room naked, spoken loudly about him not knowing he was here.. but worse than that, why should I not be entitled to know who I am sharing my home with, WHOEVER'S child it is?

OP posts:
Petal02 · 03/12/2015 16:25

OP - you have every right to know who is living under your roof. Your DH is in the wrong here. Its the same principle as agreeing to changes to the access rota without mentioning it, and then presenting it as a done deal. Not very fair really, and not conducive to household harmony.

frillybiscuits · 03/12/2015 16:27

Sorry if my first post seemed a little harsh, I really hate my dad's wife for what she did. It should depend on the status of the home and the type of crisis for a joint descision. If your DSS wasn't there would he be on the streets? If so it doesn't require any negotiation, if your child is homeless you give them shelter.

I couldn't believe that my dad's wife could be so heartless to say no in a time of need like that, she doesn't like me because my dad gives me money. They don't have kids, it's his house and she lives off of him. I'm really not sure what grounds she had to say no on. My dad said he wished he hadn't have asked her first when he dropped me off at the police station where I asked for help. There may be reasoning behind why your partner didn't include you in the descision. Its not always as simple as it seemsSad

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 03/12/2015 16:29

Thanks petal. I thought relationships were meant to be about communication anyway. Silly me.

OP posts:
Tiggeryoubastard · 03/12/2015 16:30

I see totally what you're saying, Hormonal. It's not him being there, it's not even an 'ask your permission' issue. It's just that nobody even mentioned it to you. That would really piss me off, too. Could it be that there's not been chance to tell you, ie he's had to move urgently and your dh/dp has not had chance to contact you? I'd let it go if so. If not, I'd explain (possibly with swear words) exactly why it's out of order. But do make sure you don't blame the lad, even unintentionally.

Petal02 · 03/12/2015 16:31

I think we need to be clear about the definition of the word "child". Stating you should always 'give your child shelter' is fine if we're talking about a 10 year old, but if its a 28 yr old (for example), then the situation isn't quite so clear cut.

frillybiscuits · 03/12/2015 16:33

I understand you would like to know who's in your home but it's not like it's one of your partners mates, it's his child who's probably going through a rough time right now. I think you need to talk to them both about it thoroughly to gain a bigger picture before getting angry at them about it

firesidechat · 03/12/2015 16:36

I have two grown up children with my husband, so we are both their biological parents. If either daughter wanted to come home you can bet that we would let each other know about it first and have a chat about the logistics. There would be almost no question that they couldn't move back, but for one parent not to inform the other first is wrong.

Adelecarberry87 · 03/12/2015 16:37

I agree with frilly. I'm sorry a child is different to elderly parents who may require care and assitance. From the post he had previously lived there so I don't understand an issue. My DH has no children but if he did they would treated in the same respect i would treat my own and. If my son returned home i wouldn't have to ask my DH permission even tho his not biologically his. Sometimes kids return home if there relationships break down. I know I moved back into my parents house and so did my brother even in his 30s. I'm a firm believer in you don't stop being there for your children even as adults. I wouldn't be where i am today if it wasn't the support of them.

Petal02 · 03/12/2015 16:37

I'm not sure if my Dad would be too pleased if I decided to move back home ....... we have a great relationship, but I'm a grown-up now, and shouldn't rely on him for housing indefinitely.

He'd lend me his sofa for a couple of nights in an emergency, but I wouldn't expect it to become a long term situation!

firesidechat · 03/12/2015 16:38

No you are not over reacting.

LemonBreeland · 03/12/2015 16:39

YANBU. It isn't about being asked. It's about being informed. My DH is spectacularly crap at communicating too, so I know how it feels.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 03/12/2015 16:44

Thanks. Despite my ss having never engaged with me, barely managing a 'hello', I would not have considered saying no. It's that I wasn't deemed worthy of even knowing he is here. Thanks all x

OP posts:
frillybiscuits · 03/12/2015 16:46

Thank you Adele. It has nothing to do with age, I was 18 at the time it happened to me and I had to leave my home very quickly to escape an abusive ex partner. I wasn't relying on my dad for housing, I needed short term help and to feel safe. I ended up being put into emergency accommodation and eventually getting another home. Your DSS could be in any kind of situation. You said early morning so does that mean he came back in the middle of the night? He could have had an awful row with his girlfriend and that doesn't leave much time to inform you. If he'd just come through the door in the middle of the day with his stuff then maybe I'd understand, your partner could have had time to tell you

firesidechat · 03/12/2015 16:49

The op hasn't refused to help. The op's husband didn't give her the opportunity to even if she had wanted, which it appears she didn't.