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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Rant Alert- Unreasonable to know who's living in my home?

105 replies

HormonalHeap · 03/12/2015 14:32

Dss 21 has been living with his girlfriend for the last 3 months, occasionally coming back to pick something up.

Early this morning I saw his car outside. On questioning dh, I was told "dss is living here now". I lost my rag and asked dh did he not think it reasonable I am told who lives in my home? Dh responded by saying he doesn't always know if my dd (who lives with us) is staying in or out. I went ballistic am I over reacting?

OP posts:

Adelecarberry87 · 03/12/2015 16:51

I've been extremely greatful to my parents for supporting me and my 1year at the time..i can see now what fanastic parents have im comparission to some of your comments about not helping an older child. Their help and guidance helped me start all over again with a new house, furniture etc after losing everything to my abusive ex partner. I'm old fashioned I believe you should help your children regardless of age through anything even if it a bed no questions asked.

Petal02 · 03/12/2015 16:54

I think the OP is just rather miffed that she wasn't even consulted - assuming I've read this correctly.

Original poster

HormonalHeap · 03/12/2015 16:55

Just think of this scenario.. dh and I having dinner with friends, friends ask which of our children live with us, to which I answer my two.. only to be informed that, actually, no, another one does too? Wouldn't not feel rather stupid?

OP posts:

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 03/12/2015 17:02

I think it's totally weird that your partner wouldn't even notify you. I mean who does food shopping, cooking? Surely if it's you you'd need to know so you could get/make enough for him. What about hearing him come in or out at night, or when your in alone you could of freaked out and thought it was a burglar or something. Its just really strange not to of even been informed. Thats the issue, the awful communication from your husband.

frillybiscuits · 03/12/2015 17:05

I'm sure he assumed you would bump into DSS and he would explain the situation to you. You must have a damn big house if you weren't aware he's been living there

frillybiscuits · 03/12/2015 17:12

I once stayed at my mums a couple of nights because my heating broke. I have my own key, when her boyfriend came home from work he was a little startled but I just explained why I was there and everything was fine. Your partner was probably expecting his son to do the same. Yanbu to want to know who's in your home but men are overall wank at communication so he probably thought you'd realise the situation for yourself

purpledasies · 03/12/2015 17:18

I think if I was the son in this situation frilly I would reasonably enough expect my dad to have told his DP that he'd said I could move in. Would have thought the son could end up feeling a bit awkward too if he bumps into his DSM who doesn't appear to know he's living there.

Petal - it doesn't have to be that way in a blended family. Only if the man lacks any real respect for his partner. I'm quite sure my DH would say yes to any of his children in an emergency, but I'm equally sure he'd be straight on the phone to me to explain what was going on.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 03/12/2015 18:15

Yes it is a sign of both your DH and your SS not growing up in how they treat you. Another way of looking at it is, if you were the boys mother - would you know before the car was in the drive? Of course you would. It's your and DHs home and you should be part of any major decisions or changes.

rollonthesummer · 03/12/2015 18:20

Surely you'd notice??

AmIAmntI · 03/12/2015 18:22

I would expect to be told not asked. Same as I would tell DO. It wouldn't be a question of can they but more they are moving back in.

But yes to not be told it weird.

AmIAmntI · 03/12/2015 18:22

DP *

swingofthings · 03/12/2015 18:24

I think the question is whether he had officially moved out and now officially moved back in. Could it be that you believe it was the case, however, in your OH's mind, he had never really moved out, just been spending more time with his girlfriend. Did he have his own room? Had he moved all his things out and now bringing them back.

IGotAPea · 03/12/2015 18:26

Do you mean it's a permanent thing OP? That's absolutely something that should be discussed with you. Will he be helping with housework? Who will be doing his laundry? Will he help with cooking and cleaning? If he's working then will he contribute financially to bills?

Even it's just a few nights or a temp thing until DSS finds a place of his own, it's basic respect to let you know.

IGotAPea · 03/12/2015 18:32

Fwiw, I know if I needed it there would always be space for me at my mums, I'd never expect her to take me in permanently though, and I'd feel uncomfortable if she did so without letting stepdad know, he's lovely and would say yes, but even he'd be taken aback to come home from work and find me now living there.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 03/12/2015 18:46

I think it can go back to the crux of many problems with being a step parent - the 'ignoring totally of the new partner/step parent' by DP or DSC. In my experience!

In this case OP, you have been totally ignored. And you also say that your DSS has no respect for you either. So you are being elbowed out of major things happen in your own home.

It's also not just a question of just 'informing' you - which you weren't given. You are not nothing in this dynamic. We are social animals, all of us, we need to have some basic level of cooperation, some basic kindness, and acknowledgement. If you are reasonable then of course you probably have no problem with him moving back in. But you should be able to raise any points, such as 'OK, but can we check, what are his expectations, is he here for a while, does he not know etc' - you should be included.

Creiddylad · 03/12/2015 19:09

YANBU

My Dh tells me in advance when his DS is staying. He lives with us but contact with his mum is random, so he makes sure I know who is going to be in the house. Also he will text me if he has said that DSS can have a friend over.

Not asking for permission, just manners.

Who was going to tell the other kids that your DSS was back? Had he kept the information completely to himself?

Original poster

HormonalHeap · 03/12/2015 21:18

All valid points, thank you. He has only been back a couple of days, yes big house and stays in his room (his choice). the children don't really do chores (bad parenting I know) so no issues there. He doesn't eat with us (again his choice) so it really doesn't impact on my life either way, he's much tidier than mine and easy to have. Working but doesn't contribute to bills, far from it dh pays his mobile bills, parking tickets, football tickets.. But I digress.

Nobody was going to tell my kids he was back. He's going travelling in a couple of months, so it's permanent in till he gets back. Despite dss's rudeness, dh knows I would never dared say no he can't stay. I reckon dss's split with his girlfriend and said to his dad "I don't want hormonal knowing anything about it"- and dh took that a step too far!

OP posts:

purpledasies · 03/12/2015 21:27

Even if DSS stays in his room most of the time, he can hardly expect you not to notice

amarmai · 03/12/2015 21:40

op , am i right in thinking you and your dh own the house jointly? as i am wondering if there is another element to this? I do agree that you shd have been consulted regardless .

Original poster

HormonalHeap · 03/12/2015 22:10

Yes we own the house jointly- only bought 6 months ago. He really does keep himself to himself has ensuite sky etc but v sad as been with his dad 10 years, married for 5 (not that he's lived with us all that time), made a huge effort with him but he's just not interested.

OP posts:

amarmai · 03/12/2015 23:06

that thought popped up in my mind-if he had said to his dad not to tell you. IMO that needs to be cleared off the table - as it's your house too. also why wd your dh beleive 'you wd not dare to say no'? that really bothers me. Think family counselling wd be a good idea .

M1nniedriver · 03/12/2015 23:25

I think you have every right to be annoyed! That's completely unacceptable

Wdigin2this · 04/12/2015 00:21

Hormonal, of course you should have been told (and consulted) about DSS moving in! Whether it's your child or your partner's....who actually lives with you needs to be a discussion you are both part of!

Adele, it's pretty obvious you don't have DSC!

cappy123 · 04/12/2015 01:58

I feel for you OP. I chatted with DH this week about how we need to agree some rules / principles (rather than mind read or react, which was doing my head in). This issue is one we're going to have to discuss at some point.

It's pretty unthinkable that my brother or I would move back home, as adults now in our 40s and 30s. Some parents even downsize to give the message 'we still love you, come visit.' I did try moving 'home' for a month or so in my 30s when moving back to my hometown and wanting to buy somewhere. But I cut short what I thought would be a 6 month stint down to about a month, moved out of my parents and rented instead. It's not even the house we grew up in either, - it's their own new house. And I mean my mum and stepdad, by the way. They would never make us feel we couldn't ask if need be and they would take us in, but we've been brought up to be so independent, I just cannot imagine moving back for a long stretch (although I took my brother in for a couple months at one point). My parents have taught us very practical skills like money management, decision making and supported us with love and wisdom in times of pressure, maybe that's why we've never had to move back. Just my experience.

As a couple, we'll probably have to find the line between my 'independence' approach and DH's likely 'forever open door' approach. But the consultation is crucial.

M1nniedriver · 04/12/2015 04:47

adel I presume everyone in the house was told you were moving in before you did or were they told the day after you moved in that you were actually staying? That's the issue here isn't it

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