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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Rant Alert- Unreasonable to know who's living in my home?

105 replies

HormonalHeap · 03/12/2015 14:32

Dss 21 has been living with his girlfriend for the last 3 months, occasionally coming back to pick something up.

Early this morning I saw his car outside. On questioning dh, I was told "dss is living here now". I lost my rag and asked dh did he not think it reasonable I am told who lives in my home? Dh responded by saying he doesn't always know if my dd (who lives with us) is staying in or out. I went ballistic am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
HormonalHeap · 09/12/2015 22:56

I won't pretend that I NEED to know if he's here- I guess I don't. I don't cook for him or do his washing (he's 21). If there was a fire he'd probably know before me. It's just makes me feel that I don't matter in my own home. Just because he doesn't like me and doesn't accept me, does that mean I don't deserve to be told whether he's here or not?

Cappy how awful your friend's df using her as an emotional crutch, that is so very sad- what a selfish man. Of course kids deserve unconditional love at all times including after a break up. In my dsd's case she has, and has always had that from dh. But it's not enough, she doesn't want her dad to love me or my children one bit, and has now dished out the ultimate punishment of cutting him off. It really is killing him.

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Original poster
HormonalHeap · 09/12/2015 22:57

Thanks Wdigin, I know you understand this one!

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Wdigin2this · 10/12/2015 00:23

I certainly do! More dramas recently in this house too! Angry

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 10/12/2015 11:44

Sounds expensive Wdgin. Hope you have a more peaceful Xmas and new year X

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Bananasinpyjamas1 · 10/12/2015 18:25

Hormonal and Wdigin - both your situations sound quite stressful! Hope they don't get totally awful around Christmas. Flowers

NerdyBird · 13/12/2015 09:15

I wonder if your DH really recognises you as joint owner of the house? You say he's funded most of it, he may feel that it's his, deep down. The buying of stuff or booking things sounds nice in the surface but actually it seems to me like he's treating you a bit like a child.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 13/12/2015 10:33

Yes Nerdy that's exactly how I feel sometimes; treated like a child. The house is owned as joint tenants with my name on mortgage, i don't think it's that he thinks it's his alone- I think he just feels that anything to do with the lives of his his children is his concern not mine.

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Bananasinpyjamas1 · 13/12/2015 18:14

A lot of men in particular seem to compartmentalise their lives, can't do a lot of that social bridging that becomes so important in step families.

It's so short sighted though OP. As I'm sure you are aware. Your DP is alienating you from his kids who already sound unable to reach out to you. And yet, for the rest of your lives together he has planted a wedge that will harm all relationships.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 14/12/2015 00:26

I agree with you Bananas- in my case though, dh is following his children's lead- they have never wanted a relationship with me, so dh just goes with the flow- he didnt plant the wedge himself, but supports it if that's what his dcs want.

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Bananasinpyjamas1 · 14/12/2015 00:38

Same here hormonal for the older step kids. DP seemed to take too much of a lead and they both distanced themselves from me, which I was surprised that DP couldn't just see this in perspective. They used the same logic to distance themselves from DP too.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 14/12/2015 00:40

Sorry should have said DP let his older kids lead him, instead of the other way and I think his own relationship with them now suffers.

MeridianB · 14/12/2015 09:30

Hormonal, do you think that your DH initially mis-read your anger as being about DSS being in your home, rather than the fact that you had not been consulted/asked?

I sometimes find that the mere mention of DSD's name sets off my DH's defence shield and he only hears what he wants to.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 14/12/2015 10:28

Meridian I think you're right in that I also find the mere mention of dss puts dh on the defensive. I couldn't have made it more clear though that I was only objecting to not being told whether he was living with us or not.

Bananas I think the problem is that our dh's don't realise they are enabling their children's attitude by being too frightened of confronting them, telling them their behaviour is unacceptable and giving a consequence. Much easier not to rock the boat that be seen to be 'siding' with us.

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Bananasinpyjamas1 · 14/12/2015 17:08

Yes Hormonal totally agree! And at first I almost sympathised with DP, I know how guilty some DPs feel (even though no OW and split for 5 years before he met me etc). But now I've seen just how messed up enabling the DSCs is. The first time I realised I was being alienated by his eldest DSD I was totally unprepared and shocked really. I was so niave!

We'd only ever gotton on well, but she moved out and because DP didn't do everything she wanted she started to say that he 'cared more about me than her' etc - really put the boot in! DP felt more guilty and agreed to meet her outside of the house, to keep things secret from me, to give her money whenever she liked. Took her lead.

Eventually it turned out she'd been lying to DP and her DM about a LOT, serious things, massive dramas. Now, some years later, she still doesn't make any effort and he no idea how to even talk to me, it's all on her terms. So it is awkward when she comes to the house, but that is all her and DPs doing and to be honest, we SMs have enough on our plate to fix problems that we didn't cause!

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 14/12/2015 20:49

Bananas how did you feel about your dp keeping things from you??

I too used to get on fine with my sd, but sadly she seems to have set herself up in competition with me, which i just find so sad.
She tells dh that he never listens to her. He certainly does listen- but doesn't always do exactly what she says. Anyway she's now cut him off for 3 months so far to teach him a lesson and put him in his place.

My children aren't angels that's for sure but I can't imagine them doing this to me. I'm trying to be understanding but am beginning to dislike her intensely.

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Bananasinpyjamas1 · 15/12/2015 00:50

When I first realised DP had kept things from me about his eldest, and then also told me how that she had accused him of 'pleasing me instead of her' etc I was just stunned. Up until then, I thought all was fine, up until then I had a really rosey picture of us combining our children well and being a family.

I had already moved in, left my own house behind. But when I realised he had kept things from me, only sharing with DSD I just had a huge urge to run a mile! It was like DSD had dug a big hole between me and DP, and by going along with it my trust in him just plummeted.

Petal02 · 15/12/2015 17:05

Sadly, people with divided loyalties can't always be trusted, and a divorced father with a new partner can easily fall into this category.

I think its a case of the man telling both parties (ie child and new partner) what he thinks they want to hear, and it just stores up trouble for future, whereas a few straight conversations early on may well save lots of angst, although a lot of men are so terrified of rocking the boat, that this never happens.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 15/12/2015 23:02

Bananas my situation now is so similar to yours. Dh and I took sd away for a weekend in the summer and I got on just fine with her, we were both poking fun at dh. She is now accusing dh of "pleasing me instead of her" by him daring to suggest she apologise to me for a nasty text she sent me. I can't run a mile, I'm married to him, every other area of our life is good- why would I let her ruin my life?

Petal you're so right, some men just bury their head in the sand, being to scared to say anything to partner or child in case they upset anyone. I honestly don't think a straight conversation would have sorted my sd out though- she's simply outraged he had the audacity to remarry.

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Bananasinpyjamas1 · 16/12/2015 01:48

Petal - divided loyalties, that is so true! What strikes me is how my DP never questions why he is being pulled by loyalties at all, I.e. never questions that his daughters are being unfair. If he had stood his ground and been no nonsense 'look I understand this isn't easy, but you don't disrespect my gf' - then so much hurt could have been avoided.

Hormonal - wow you had the same phrases being used against you! I sympathise so much! I've also had his eldest 'punish' DP if he did stick up for me. Once my DP even noticed how rude DSD was to me at dinner so he sent her upstairs but then made sure he was OK. She spent every meal time for a week refusing to eat and just glaring at me. Confused

LeaLeander · 16/12/2015 02:12

You say your dad's behavior is unacceptable but to whom? You are the only one having a problem, it seems. Your husband and stepson were ok with the situation and you say there is no practical impact on you from a housework standpoint. Why the need to control so tightly what other people do?

If your husband is financing most of the house perhaps he feels no need to ask your permission to let his own child move back in.

Don't borrow trouble.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 16/12/2015 09:31

LeaLeander- you obviously haven't taken the time to read the full thread so I'm not going to take the time to answer properly

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Wellbooukk · 16/12/2015 21:45

To the OP
I can empathise, being a step parent is not easy!
I do see that you are not saying it is an issue that he is at your home but you would rather that you knew about it first.
It's like being told by a boss that another team member is joining you.
Its disrespectful at best to you.
I have in the best had stepmum issues so I have been on both sides of the coin and manners cost nothing its curtesy

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 17/12/2015 12:34

Thankyou wellboookk, I luckily have no experience of being a stepchild. But when step children reach adulthood, it would be nice to think that they would make a minimal effort simply out of love for their dad.

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Bananasinpyjamas1 · 17/12/2015 18:08

As well as being a SM, I also a step Dad but I would never have moved back in without both of them having had a discussion about it. My step Dad and I get on very well and part of the reason is that he says that he knows we are considerate of him and he really appreciates it.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 17/12/2015 18:09

sorry... 'I also HAVE a Step Dad..,'