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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Rant Alert- Unreasonable to know who's living in my home?

105 replies

HormonalHeap · 03/12/2015 14:32

Dss 21 has been living with his girlfriend for the last 3 months, occasionally coming back to pick something up.

Early this morning I saw his car outside. On questioning dh, I was told "dss is living here now". I lost my rag and asked dh did he not think it reasonable I am told who lives in my home? Dh responded by saying he doesn't always know if my dd (who lives with us) is staying in or out. I went ballistic am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
HormonalHeap · 04/12/2015 08:38

if dss doesn't want me knowing the ins and outs of his life that's up to him, but where it impacts on mine and my childrens' lives, I'm afraid it's not! As someone said upthread, this pisses me off because it shows keeping dss sweet takes priority for my dh over communicating with me and showing me a basic courtesy.

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 04/12/2015 08:49

So what did your DH say when you went ballistic?

I would be mightily pissed off in your situation, you own the house too so your DH has no business in making unilateral decisions that affect you when you are co-financing that decision.

I moved back into my mum's for 6 months when I was in my 30s and divorcing from my exH, I'd have thought it most odd if she hadn't told anyone else in the household I was coming back and I'd just turned up on the doorstep! It's just basic respect isn't it.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 04/12/2015 09:02

If my DHs DD contacted me and asked if she could move in with us, I wouldn't say yes, allow her to move in and leave DH find out when he got home from work!

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 04/12/2015 09:20

When i went ballistic he thought I was over reacting and went on he defensive as usual. By the end of yesterday he reluctantly conceded I was right. Dh has a bad habit of making unilateral decisions. He's used to making them in business but I'm trying to make him see it's not on in his personal life! Not meant badly, for example he will buy a birthday present for my mum without showing me first, or book a treatment for me without even asking if I'm free at that time! So most of it not meant badly, but I've been trying to make him understand.

not sure it matters who owns the house (we own it jointly but he funded most of it) because as you say, it's about basic respect.

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 04/12/2015 09:38

Ah so it's a general personality trait rather than being specific to DSS? My exH was like that, he knew me better that I knew myself (except he didn't).

How does your DH plan to tackle this?

LouisaGlasson · 04/12/2015 11:36

I'm glad he's understood your point of view now, and it sounds like this isn't the only time when he's just left you out of things he's decided to do so I understand why it would have pressed a button. I can't imagine dp not letting me know, or me not letting dp know about something like this.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 04/12/2015 12:29

Yes I guess some of it could be put down to a personality trait. Half of me thinks he's just seeing my point of view to keep the peace.. i am so in awe of step parents who make it work- I'm just not cut out for it.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 04/12/2015 12:35

I think you overreacted when you "went ballistic" but YANBU to think you should have known.

LouisaGlasson · 04/12/2015 13:07

I think as a one off going ballistic might be ott, but if it's the latest in a series of things where you feel your dh doesn't consider you then I'd say it's stored up frustration. To be perfectly honest, I don't think this is so much to do with being a step parent, more something to do with how your dh behaves.

KakiFruit · 04/12/2015 13:20

This is one of the strangest things I've ever read. He lived in the house for days until you noticed his car?

pinkbraces · 04/12/2015 13:25

What a strange comment "I'm just not cut out for it" I hope your DH is cut out to be a step parent, if not your kids must be pretty fed up.

I digress, yet again it isn't really a step parenting issue more of a DH issue.

Learningtoletgo · 04/12/2015 13:40

I agree, you have every right to be asked, it's 50% your house! It would have taken but a moment to ask. I think your issue is with your DH.

For those posting about their own parents not allowing them in their home because a step parent didn't want them, are you really sure it was the step parent's decision? From reading the posts it strikes me that the step parent may have been a scape goat. The lady who was dropped off at the Police Station by her dad? Seriously what parent could really be forced to do that to their own pregnant child ??? I think the blame really lies with the parent in that situation not the step parent. That's probably a hard thing to acknowledge because it's easier to blame an outsider.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 04/12/2015 13:48

Louisa yes certainly stored up frustration.- it IS to do with being a step parent though, because step parents so often have little say in what happens in their own home.

Pinkbraces, nothing strange about that comment whatsoever. I'm sure my dh has felt that plenty of times, as have most step parents, and indeed some, at times, with their own- but at least with ones own children you can give boundaries and consequences- not with someone else's! Unless your partner is on the same page re discipline, and it's often the case that they're not be it through guilt or fear of losing them, you're stuffed. Still sound easy?

OP posts:
Lozza1990 · 04/12/2015 13:57

I think you should explain that it's not so a much a he needs to ask your permission thing it's just the lack of communication/respect that annoyed you! I would react the same OP.

pinkbraces · 04/12/2015 14:22

Which is why this type of issue is generally a DH issue not a stepchild issue.

Its not easy, I agree with that, but you and your DH really need to be on the same page and if he constantly disrespects you in this way then it is a problem between the two of you rather than the DSS.

So many of these issues stem from disney parenting by the dad.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 04/12/2015 14:27

pink if the Disney parent stops Disney-parenting, and begins to enforce rules and boundaries, who do you think gets the blame? Stepmums are damned no matter what their DP does.

LouisaGlasson · 04/12/2015 14:35

But it's also been about buying your mum a present without consultation with you, booking things for you to do without consultation. You've said he has a bad habit of making unilateral decisions. This is just another one of those. It wasn't a decision per se, but he didn't feel the need to inform you of what was happening. I don't blame you for being upset, but I do think it's not because this is a step family - he hasn't actually let you have a say in any of those things you've told us about and the others could have taken place regardless of whether either of you had children or not.

pinkbraces · 04/12/2015 14:35

pretty Stepmums are often damned no matter what but it doesnt mean the op should continue to expect so little from her DH. Im a stepmum and this isnt a world I recognise at all, but DH is not and has never been a disney dad, not even before we met.

It is still however a DH issue not a SC issue and if you choose to be with someone who has so little respect for you that he doesnt event communicate that his child has moved back in then what do you expect.

amarmai · 04/12/2015 14:40

context can be illuminating,op. I think it is situated in the step relationships . You are sounding clear headed about it and i wish you well in sorting this out.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 04/12/2015 16:52

Yes it's Disney parenting in the extreme in this case. Worst case scenario with dh's dd16 has now happened- she's cut him off. Lives with her dm up north but comes in holidays. She has never been able to tolerate being treated equally to my dcs. I would welcome her friends to stay, cook their fave meals, Dh would take weeks off at a time to focus on her, went to ends of the earth to maintain an ongoing good relationship, allowed her to order whatever she wanted along with increasing cash requests.. she's now decided she hates him and accused him of trying to buy her love and saying things he has never said.

So where did all the Disneying get him? Nowhere. He didn't break up his family, ex had an affair, so no guilt involved. I'm wondering why some kids seem to feel love becomes conditional when their parents break up? So much more complicated than that I guess.

OP posts:
cappy123 · 08/12/2015 18:06

Horminal - a salutary tale. Reminds me of my friend who realised in her 40s how much her dad had made her, rather than her mum, his wife, his confidant. He complained to her about her mum and my friend tended to fault her mum I noticed.

After long term counselling she's come to realise how much she resented him. She hasn't developed healthy relationships with men since. I feel for her because she longs for marriage and a family. But she's struggled to be fully independent having moved back home. Now her parents are unwell, so she has caring duties too.

I think I disagree with your point: I reckon it's more likely that kids crave unconditional love after a break up.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 08/12/2015 20:55

Yes, why do parents, particularly guilty fathers after a break up feel that their love suddenly has to have no bounds emotionally, financially, and yet their sons or daughters are taught that they can be conditional in their love back? Sets things up for a bad future. As my DP also is finding out, but still doesn't recognise.

bessiebumptious2 · 08/12/2015 21:57

Quite apart from DH being extremely rude not to let you know of such a change in the household, what would have happened if you'd had a house fire for example, and didn't even know that DSS was in the house? Would it be your fault if he didn't get out?

I always look at worst case scenarios and I know it's hypothetical because it didn't happen, but that is absolutely why everyone needs to know who is in the house, or is likely to be in the house. It's not always about privacy - sometimes it's just downright common sense to know.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 08/12/2015 22:27

Would agree too Bessie
DSCs used to get sent to my house whenever DM liked with no warning/communication at all. Everything from waking the baby, to suddenly cooking for 4 extra, to a serious incident involving DSD and her BF where no one knew where she was. So it's important!

Wdigin2this · 08/12/2015 23:06

Hormonal, I'm sorry to hear things have got so bad! He (and you) must be at the end of his tether with this girl! Demanding, almost to the point of extortion...then, she decides it's all his fault for trying to 'buy her affection'!
I feel for you, but have no idea what to suggest other than, you know she'll be back when she wants something!!!