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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

529 replies

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 02/11/2015 15:36

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

ignores me totally - pointedly
tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
undermines things I try to do with the kids
used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

OP posts:

Neverenuff · 03/11/2015 08:12

My dps ex want a nothing to do with me which is fine however I wish she would just leave it at that. But no she get involved in anything I say or do when the kids are here in mine and dps care. She also bashes me and dp to the kids which is such a shame on them . If she's not bothered by us why does she get involved? Let dp deal with any situations. But no she is intent on making our lives more difficult and by effectively turning the kids on their dad it makes a very hostile atmosphere. Of she just said nothj g to the kids then it would be a lot easier. I feel a lot of our problems here are magnified due to the kids mums attitude. It's something I'm just going to have to accept and try to manage. I have no respect for that woman (who has physically assaulted me btw) and just wish she actually did what wass best for her children than try to get one up on dp.

Wdigin2this · 03/11/2015 09:36

FarticCircle...I did wonder that point myself, Because I certainly would not tolerate bad manners or rudeness when looking after my own DGC, or my young great-nephews!!
MN'ers usually repeat the mantra that, 'it's all about the children'', so how can it be right to deliberately encourage your child to disrespect the woman who is, in all probability, doing her best to make their position in her home as comfortable as possible? It's not about what you think/feel about her, it's about not making things more difficult/embarrassing/tense for your children, who through no fault of their own have their lives split between two homes.
I am very grateful that my DC (albeit they're grown now) have a lovely relationship with their SM, yes there are little things that irk me, but I smile and always speak very well of her...which is the very least she deserves!!!

leopardstick · 03/11/2015 12:42

DS and I bumped in to his dad and SM in town a couple of weeks ago and without a single second of thought he pulled away from my hand and bounded over to her to give her a hug and a kiss then dragged her and his Dad back over to me by their hands to say “look, look it’s daddy and sm!!”. Having witnessed my own stepchild looking down at her feet when in mine and her Mum’s presence for fear of dividing her loyalty, I was incredibly proud of how my ex and I have managed our feelings so DS can be so free with his emotions. He cheated on me, the divorce was fairly acrimoisous, but DS knew nothing of it. I neither like nor dislike his SM. But I am sure to let DS know I respect her and understand she is a valued and much loved person in his life.

fastdaytears · 03/11/2015 13:05

leopard that's fantastic. Your DS sounds like a lovely happy boy.

AlongcameMolly · 03/11/2015 13:32

Minnie I can't see where exactly Nickifury has been SM bashing , if anyone has been bashing others Minnie, it's you!

why wouldn't you respect a woman who was voluntarily involving herself in raising your children when you aren't there?. I think that deserves respect
To the poster who wrote this: everyone's situation is completely different. My experience is that my children's so called step mother has been a nasty, cruel bitch to my children and myself over the years.
Even though she was the OW I didn't stop her seeing my children, and I always tried to be civil with her if I ever saw or spoke to her, because I didn't want animosity around my children.
However, despite this, the SM wasn't interested in keeping the peace and went all out to try and destroy the relationship my children had with their dad. She has almost succeeded.
I won't go into detail of all the disgusting and despicable things she's said and done as for all I know she may be on MN, but she made things so difficult that my children refuse to see her anymore.
So you see, not every SM deserves to be respected.
Just to add, from my point of view, step mums aren't in our childrens lives because they want to be!, they are there simply because they want to be with their man and some just view our children as an inconvenience!

fastdaytears · 03/11/2015 13:39

Some stepmums are class A bitches and deserve no love or respect. Similarly, some mums are pretty appalling human beings.

The point is that they are all individuals and posts like yours which are all "them" and "us" and generalising from one bad experience are really quite offensive to the stepmums who are working hard to try to have happy stepkids. Which is what this topic is for.

Not a stepmum just thought your post was pretty full of hate.

Oh and "allowing" your ex's partner to see his kids? Really?

PrettyBrightFireflies · 03/11/2015 13:53

Oh and "allowing" your ex's partner to see his kids? Really?

I thought that too, tears - either you trust your ex or you don't - you can't pick and choose whether or not you are willing to "agree" to certain aspects of their parenting like a buffet. It's all or nothing.

fastdaytears · 03/11/2015 13:59

at a parenting buffet!

m1nniedriver · 03/11/2015 14:00

alongcame you didn't stop her from seeing your children because you couldn't, legally, even if you'd wanted to.

I wasn't bashing anyone. If I wanted to 'bash' someone I would, unapologetically bash my DPs ex and, like you have done, put all Exs in the same category. She is a selfish money grabbing bitch so therefore all exS are bitches compared to some of the hateful posts on here she is starting to look like a perfect earth mother! grow up!

AlongcameMolly · 03/11/2015 14:10

Ok I'll rephrase my sentence, I didn't stop her seeing my children, what I meant was, I didn't make it awkward for her to be a part of my children's lives from day one.

Happy now?

AlongcameMolly · 03/11/2015 14:13

How am I putting all SM'S into the same category?

Can't you understand the word some?

fastdaytears · 03/11/2015 14:18

Happy now?

Well not really and you've changed what you said completely! So yes it's an improvement but if you don't want people to pick up on crazy stuff you say then don't say it. HTH.

m1nniedriver · 03/11/2015 14:22

You sound like a very angry person. Perhaps it would help to let it all out and show where I was 'bashing' . Or perhaps nicki can come back and you can both 'bash' it out together . You don't do yourself any favours coming into a Thread where a SP is asking for advise, to basically let rip About your kids SM and say not all SM deserve respect. I don't believe anyone on this post has said they do

I was offering the OP, a SM, my advise having been in a similar situation which is now, for the best part, resolved.

WhoGivesAFlying · 03/11/2015 14:27

What a shame, this thread had turned into a positive thread. Oh well, back to all SM are evil and are lucky to be even allowed near the dsc, let alone shown announce of respect..

AlongcameMolly · 03/11/2015 14:35

you sound like a very angry person

Projection at its finest.

m1nniedriver · 03/11/2015 14:40

Exactly whogives

Perhaps I'm exacerbating it by responding to the haters, who seem to swoop like an angry pack when ever a SM asks for advice on how to deal with a horrible ex I'm sure it puts SMs off posting on a board that was designed for just that. Advise!!

fastdaytears · 03/11/2015 14:52

This is a place on a giant parenting forum for step parents to ask for advice. The anger and bitterness doesn't help at all. Being a stepmum is a hard job and people should be able to share and ask for support.

Mums and stepmums have posted in a very positive way but a few people are just so angry and rude. Honestly, people don't go on to the Litter Tray section and post about hating cats because they met a nasty one once.

m1nniedriver · 03/11/2015 14:58

i might just do that, see what happens and report back

AlongcameMolly · 03/11/2015 15:18

Try it Minnie
Get yourself a saucer of milk whilst you're there

elliebellys · 03/11/2015 15:43

What tends to put sps off posting isn't just posts from (haters) sometimes it's other sps posts that stop them.quite a lot of adults need to grow up. On this thread.

m1nniedriver · 03/11/2015 15:47

Presuming that is meant for me I started on this thread offering what I thought was helpful advise/support. It's turned into a fucking playground mudslinging contest! I'm done, such a shame!!

Neverenuff · 03/11/2015 15:55

I think it is just about mutual respect for human beings in general. Granted if your child is being mis treated in any way by their step parent then that is wrong and I dont blame anyone losing respect for that person.

I love my dp and his kids.(hard as it is sometimes) and sure no one asked for this set up but I think for a step parent to willingly take on someone children and help their dp raise someone else children says a lot about that person (unless of course they are an arse hole)

I don't understand why some parents act like they do as it rubs off on the kids and upsets them.

m1nniedriver · 03/11/2015 15:59

My suggestion that any respect should be shown to a SM seems to be the catalyst enough to turn a whole reasonable thread on its head!

NZmonkey · 03/11/2015 17:57

Does anyone else have any advice for this topic?
We have started doing m1nnies suggestion of ignore anything that's not important. DPs phone goes on silent at night so no more getting woken up at 2 or 6am to texts about trivial things that clearly can't wait. But its the accusations that every time we see DSD we have done something wrong. The nasty comment at handover or within following day that really has nothing to do with her as it was DPs time and DSD was not only well cared for but enjoying herself start to really get to us. I almost never want to take DSD swimming again no matter how much we love it because it always results in some negative comment.

Does this actually ever get any easier? And how do you cope with it?

m1nniedriver · 03/11/2015 18:03

It gets easier NZ or it did for me anyway. Do you think she is unhappy in her own life perhaps that's why she is butting into yours?

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