How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

• ignores me totally - pointedly
• tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
• sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
• undermines things I try to do with the kids
• used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
• asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

I'll have a catch up with this thread when I get home. It's interesting!

Well I have been a step mum and my children have a step mum and I have a half sister of whom my Mum was a SM. I think I am as qualified as anyone else to be in here

I believe that the fact you focused 4 posts on that 1 sentence speaks volumes.

Coming onto a step parenting thread and announcing that in your opinion step parents don't play an important role in SCs lives is asking for a rude reply. I would quote but it's there for all to see

Sorry for grammar there! Making dinner... (for all the DSCs and DCs... )

Fair enough then Nicki

Well I think being rude to someone and then justifying it because they offer a different point of view to you combined with your attempt to label my opinion as SM bashing, when it totally isn't, says a great deal about you and may explain some of the problems you've faced as a SM.

Not at all nikki, the problems I had weren't related to being a SM they were related to my DPs exw being a jealous nasty cow at the time . I have no problem with people having a different point of view to mine, I have a problem with people suggesting,as you did, that SP play no role in SC lives. I find that very rude ... And ignorant. Even DPs ex now acknowledges my role in the children's life. That's saying something!

I agree with Nicki. It's very hard but I operate a 'hands off, not my problem' approach to dealing with my ex and his (latest) partner. I don't go out of my way to be difficult and I certainly don't deliberately try and cause problems but I won't have anything to do with her and I wouldn't speak to her if she decided to turn up on my doorstep. I parent with my ex, not my ex and his partner. He may well leave them in her care but that's not my decision and I am not grateful or anything else to her for being there in anyway. That's up to my ex. I don't respect any woman who gets with my ex (usual no maintenance shite) and it often feels that some step mums expect a level of friendliness towards them just for not being the other woman. Other woman or not, I didn't choose this situation for my children and I had no say in any woman taking on some kind of important role in my children's lives. I am not sure what it is, exactly, that I should respect? I just accept it and keep my mouth shut about just about everything - it is very rare that I say or do anything, despite some deliberate provocation by my ex. My ex although a total twat about way too many issues is a capable parent. It's up to him what he does when the children are with him. That's the bottom line.

The suggestion that mothers have some kind of say in 'allowing' a step parent to look after her children is ridiculous and feels like an attempt to derail what is otherwise an interesting discussion. You know, in that 'them and us' kind of way. Many of us are both them and us, just trying to do our best wearing whichever hat we happen to be wearing in a given moment.

I think that's the difference though. It's absolutely okay to have nothing to do with your children's SP, I suspect most SP feel the same about the exs. The problem here is her actively getting involved and purposefully causing problems. Completely different situation.

I don't think I did suggest that a SP play no part in step children's lives. You read that into it and then labeled it SM bashing. This thread wasn't about how SP relate to their step children, it was about difficult exes. I related to some of it (as an ex) and explained my thoughts. The only person being both defensive and aggressive is you, so you crack on with that and keep extrapolating meaning that isn't there into my posts and I will continue on the thread addressing the posters who took them, as they were intended; part of the discussion and not a personal attack as you seemed to.

Why wouldn't you respect a woman who was voluntarily involving herself in raising your children when you aren't there? I think that deserves respect.

In my opinion my ex leaves far too much to my DS's stepmum. But he isn't capable emotionally or in terms of time to provide what she provides, and i am not there (obviously) so I have a huge amount of respect for her. To take any other stance would be churlish, and would potentially push her away leaving my children without that person to care for them in my absence. I worry that she'll become angry about the amount he expects from her and leave. So i make sure I let her know I appreciate her and ask the same of my DS.

You didn't suggest it, you stated it clearly.

I come here because I was a child who grew up with a SM and so are my kids now. I do find it very interesting to read how differently SM can feel about their role.

My own experience, and that of those close to me in that situation is that it is actually very rare that either the ex or the SM genuinely mean to make the other's life a misery. I think a lot of resentment grow from a natural sense of defensiveness, from the mother's perspective in relation to her children, and for the SM, in relation to her new family. I think this often leads to misinterpretations and misunderstandings.

What OP posted reminded me of a situation that I experienced myself. The children SM is completely different to me in the sense that she believes that the way you look is important. She spends a lot of attention and money on looking her best, getting her hair done all the time, shopping for trendy clothes, and will never ever go out without make up. I, on the other hand, strongly believe that beauty emanates from being happy with who you are and exulting confidence. I spent a lot of my energy trying to teach my kids to be just who they are and respect people the way they are too. The last thing I wanted was for my then 11yo daughter to start becoming obsessed with her look, but her SM started to influence her that way, and that made me not too happy at all.

Her perspective: she had a pretty SD but who could be so much prettier and trendier. She felt sorry for her that her mum seemed not to give her much attention and that it was selfish not to treat her like a soon to be teenager. She spent time with her talking about make-up and hair style and told her that she would look great with extension and colour in her hair and because she really cared for her, she told her she would buy it for her birthday.

My perspective: who does she think she is to say that it is ok for my 11yo to have such treatment. I don't agree with it and I know that deep inside, her dad is not overly keen either. The worse part is, not only is she trying to turn my DD into a barbie doll, she dares saying she will pay for it when her partner tells me that he doesn't have any money to pay any maintenance. She has no right to get involved in that level of parenting.

My issue: She is trying to parent my child in a way that I don't agree with at all and don't like her for it. I'll make it clear that in no circumstances will DD get her hair coloured.

Her issue: What a spiteful person OH's ex is. She is clearly jealous that i get along great with her DD. She neglects her but doesn't want anyone else to care for her. Her dad was fine with it doing, but now he is telling me that it is better if we don't as he doesn't want to annoy her. She is so manipulative and think she can dictate what happens in our household.

This shows how there can be two sides to one story and neither being wrong. It is all about perception of the situation.

Why wouldn't you respect a woman who was voluntarily involving herself in raising your children when you aren't there? I think that deserves respect.

I think that is ok to do when you more or less agree with their views on parenting/disciplining. How can you respect someone who looks after your children in a way that goes against what you believe in?

I agree with Nicki too. I expect my DC to be respectful and polite to most people and consequently they have always been cordial to DFs partner of 10 years but do not feel she has any parenting role or particular significance in their lives. DS gets on with her quite well but says that is because she has never interfered or told him what to do - she left all of that to their DF. DD has a more ambiguous relationship with her.

I have never had a conversation with her beyond "hello" and can't see that this will need to change. She was present at DD's 18th but kept a very low profile. She probably got fed up when DC were younger as their DF and I often spoke on phone about DC welfare, lifts and pick ups etc - I have no idea whether or not I rang at "appropriate" or convenient times and don't really care - he is their DF so , if he wanted to be involved and informed, I would ring at a time that was appropriate and convenient for me and the DC.

And just to add, my kids' SM and I have found silent but mutual respect for each other, me respecting her because in the end, she doesn't try to parent them and takes them as they are. Her respecting me because I don't ask ex for any maintenance which means more money for her family and because I don't undermine her in front of the kids. As a matter of fact, I even surprised myself being cross with them and telling them off one year when I asked them if they had got her a birthday card and they hadn't.

Quote me. Quote where I said she should play no part in my children's lives.

I didn't. I said, I do not see her as having a parenting role towards my children, which I don't. I'm sure their father feels differently though and I would never attempt to interfere with that unless my children were markedly unhappy due to actions on her part.

I recognise that my children will spend time with her but I do not respect her because he happened to meet her and make her part of my children's lives and I do not recognise as having any parental rights or responsibilities towards my children or any say in their upbringing whatsoever. That is very different from stating she should play no part in their lives, which I did not do.

You seem intent on forcing meaning into my posts that is not there. Your insistence on doing so makes me think you might be one of those people who confuse respect with deference.

My dps ex left him. We got together a couple of years later, just a few months after she met someone new. The problem she has is that I have kids. Her new partner does too but they are all older and left home. She told dp that he should have got together with someone who doesn't have kids or has older kids so their dd could remain the only child in each house and not have to compete for attention. She said she chose her dp specifically based on that and that he is well off.

Over the years she has told her dd she's only here to see her dad, not "that woman and her kids". Has told dp I'm only after his money (I have more than he does), that I'm scamming the benefits system by claiming pip as I'm not disabled (no, she's not a doctor and dp has seen the struggle I'm going through and knows it's genuine), has warned him off me by saying I'm only out for what I can get from him (he has nothing as she just fleeced him in the divorce) and has basically been downright rude by turning her back on me when I've been talking to her while handing over a bag of things belonging to her dd.

In short, she's a bitch. But she's very good at playing the woe is me card to everyone else. I can't stand her.

well our situation works well now by doing what I suggested to the OP. I Think his ex just got bored as neither he nor I were rising to the bait. I don't think there was ever an issue with how I acted with the kids I think it was a control issue. She no longer had control of DP Ir the children when they were with their dad.

I never tried to parent them in as much as make or be involved in decisions. I did and do parent them as much as I would any other young child that was staying in my house. they aren't mine but I and most SP still play a significant role in their lives whether people choose to acknowledge that or not.

It sounds like their mother isn't happy with her own life OP, can't see any other reason why she would try and make your difficult and involve her children in that too. It's sad!

i do not see her as having any important role in my children's lives

There's your quote nikki. Let's just agree to disagree, it's getting boring and we are going round in circles. I think your post was rude and was step parent bashing, you think I'm rude and confused. I can live with that and it has nothing at all to do with the OP where the exw is manipulating her children and butting into OPs life.

im not a stepmom but its interesting to hear the perspective from the other side

my ds stepmom has recently got in touch with dd she slagged me off mercilessly and expected dd to take her word for everything and ignore everything she has seen/experienced personally for this random strangers perspective dd gave her the thanks but no thanks right now speech hoping it would shut her down she went apocalyptic hinting dd and i have skellington's in her closet she could tell people about etc so we blocked her so she came after me on my profile again with the delete and block and add in stop contacting me (personally dd is 15 and can make her own choices really) or i will call the police this morning she contacted me again via a mutual friend who now thinks she is batshit crazy im glad to hear not all stepmoms are the same!

see i could have worked with a rational person someone who didn't get jealous because her husband had a relationship before her and who (gasp horror) had a child and i think she would have been happier if dd had wanted her to be "mummy" to her but she used to correct them and refuse to call her mum so they decided not to see her anymore i would have loved a relationship with someone normal

i'm with you nicki. My policy was to pretend she did not exist. She was the OW BTW. In fact I never exchanged a look or a word with her until after he and she parted company . THEN-drum roll please- i was in my ex's hospital room- he had bypass surgery and my dd asked me to take him a pair of slippers as she was at an interview, when she walked in, stopped short , came rushing up to me and yelled' FINALLY!' and ranted on from there for a good few minutes slagging off my eldest son , until i picked my jaw off the floor and said to the room at large, ' places to go, things to do----' and left. I am soo glad i managed to avoid her all those years . Respect? absolutely none.

Interesting perspectives here! Every situation is individual.

I can appreciate that not everyone would want to be a SMs 'friend' or even that friendly. Probably best. But I would expect someone to be cordial, basically for the sake of the kids.

I can also appreciate that if a SM was doing influencing DSC in a way that was quite different from morals or values of the mum, then that would feel hard. Although I wouldn't fall out with a SM over it?

In my situation, no I don't think EX is going out of way to be spiteful to me - as in didn't like me as a person - but she was being hugely resentful and wielding power to serve her own needs (I wouldn't even say her kids needs here). In my case, I can only speculate (and might be wrong!) - but she had difficulty in letting go of my DP as her 'husband' - even though she has a long term bf. So she resented that I was 'there' because I was in her 'role'.

This did get better as things settled down, however DP does run around to avoid confrontations and I do think that my relationship with the DSCs hasn't been helped by her.

Another example - which really upset me a few months ago. I bumped into EX and one of the DSCs (teenager) at the shops, with my young DC. I said 'hello' - EX shot me an awful look and ignored me - but what really upset me - DSC couldn't look at me when she was with her mum - or her half sibling either. I have no idea what I'd done tbh that time. But I have that DSC every weekend, have done for years, get on fine but sometimes she is very cagey with me. Made me quite upset that my DSC just couldn't even acknowledge me, she's never done that outside being with her mum. Painfully sad.

Again, bad grammar - sorry!

Why wouldn't you respect a woman who was voluntarily involving herself in raising your children when you aren't there? I think that deserves respect

why would anyone respect a woman (or man) happy to live with a parent who is open (as far as I am aware - I may have that wrong, I do realise) about not supporting their children financially? It is an enormous 'game' for my ex and his self employment. He also seems to go for women who introduce him to their children within...2 weeks of them meeting (no exaggeration - the current one had moved in with my ex before meeting our children and he never waits to introduce so they can't have known each other more than 20 minutes!) and I have no respect for that either.

As for 'raising my children'. Well, that's a matter of opinion. I raise my children and I am there 100% of the time, even if I'm not actually there. They live by my rules and those of my ex, not the girlfriend. He is far clearer about that than I am. They are our children and will be parented as we see fit, not as any new person sees fit. Our circus, our monkeys.