How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

• ignores me totally - pointedly
• tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
• sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
• undermines things I try to do with the kids
• used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
• asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

I should probably add that I don't get involved in any decisions regarding the children. That's for DP. However, I do support his decisions and will help talk him through things.

Simple answer no it doesn't esp if your partner is so worried about what his ex might say/ do/ think to stand up for himself or support you when you stand up for yourself. Good luck

I'm with Nicki on this one. I have every minimal contact with my ex and dont even have his DW number. Picks ups go through my ex on the odd occassion she has come to collect my DS due to ex health problems. We are civil but theres no further contact needed between us. I don't see her in a mother like role but more a friend, she sees him twice aweek and sometimes does her own thing not that i blame her but as fair as my child goes my DH holds a higher role in regards to my DS due to the fact hes sees more and lives in the same household. As a mother i can see how jealsously can cause DM to act how do they do end of the day it was the mother who carried and birthed that child, who spends majority of the time with that child, nursing them when they are sick etc. I always feel the dads get the best deal as they do all the fun bits and go out to places that might not be the case in all situations but it is with mine. That being said if people are trully happy they shouldn't feel the need to cause dramas and issues especially with their exs partner. At times its difficult to know what is over stepping boundaries as a SP to a BP and its getting that right. I would suggest your DP laise with her and she laise with him. Theres no reason for you to be involved in this process and can muddy the waters if something is taken the wrong way.

As for the debate on SM vs BM not all step mothers/fathers are bad but in turn all BM aren't the monsters your DP make us out to be either. I can see how an opinion can be unecessarily formed on someone by someone elses input. I do think SM can be more mindful if the language they use e.g 'we' could be taken for something as taking over and taken out of the context it was intended. I think this is why co-oparenting should be between both BP rather than SP to lessen any issues. During 5years i had one disagreement with my ex's partner. They booked an engagement party on the night of their access but wanting my DS there for an hour or two and for us to pick him bearing in mind other children were attending and staying the full duration. I thought it was unfair on him and he had as much right to stay as the other kids. How would i explain to a child why he was leaving a party and the rest of the kids got to say. Their interupation would be i was being difficult. My point being is people can take things differently.