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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

529 replies

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 02/11/2015 15:36

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

  • ignores me totally - pointedly
  • tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
  • sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
  • undermines things I try to do with the kids
  • used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
  • asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

OP posts:
NickiFury · 02/11/2015 20:56

I think the fact that you're you're the only one on this thread that sees SM bashing in my posts says it all really.

Agree to disagree? I am not sure how that's possible when I am not actually saying what you claim I am. But I am definitely happy to leave you to comprehend my posts as you see fit.

NickiFury · 02/11/2015 20:58

I think it might be hard NOT to fall out with a SP who had very different views and values to mine, if they were trying to implement them with my children to be honest.

NickiFury · 02/11/2015 21:00

That situation with your DSC must have been hurtful but it's likely she felt horrible about it and at that age probably doesn't have the life skills to deal with what she felt to be such an awkward situation. Hardest of all for the SC.

m1nniedriver · 02/11/2015 21:02

There is no ther way to see your post other than that. Perhaps people cAnt be bothered mentioning it given the subsequent posts that followed me pointing it out Hmm yawn!

NickiFury · 02/11/2015 21:07

Grin you're so bored by my posts yet you can't help responding?

NickiFury · 02/11/2015 21:08

Are you quite young?

m1nniedriver · 02/11/2015 21:15

You responded to one sentence in my thread. It is boring, your post displayed a clear contempt for SP and you seem unable to let it go.

Young? Perhaps but In comparison to whom? Grin

NickiFury · 02/11/2015 21:19

You're the only one who thinks this Smile

Dismissing an opinion as "boring" to close a discussion just seems rather teenager-ish to me, so I imagined you to be quite young and immature.

m1nniedriver · 02/11/2015 21:43

Your opinion isn't boring, it's just wrong in my opinion

Your constant messages calling me rude are boring.

You may think I'm immature, again I can live with that Grin. What I am is increasingly thankful that despite DPs ex being a bitter cow at the start, you have shown me it could be a lot worse Grin

alltouchedout · 02/11/2015 21:44

She's not the only one.

WhoGivesAFlying · 02/11/2015 22:05

Nope, not the only one

gaslamp · 02/11/2015 22:08

I think you are SM bashing Nicki, and I'm a mum not an SM. I can't see why you would be so dismissive of SMs. Ime, my friends who are shitty to exh/exp new partner are still bruised. I have always been nice to my DDs' SM (why would I be otherwise - it's not her fault I had a crap marriage to her now husband) and encourage them to be respectful as I would any adult who was looking after them. It's the kids who get confused by the negative behaviour that the adults in this situation so frequently model - even if that is professed or real indifference. Feel sorry for any kids in this situation - what a crap legacy to give them.

m1nniedriver · 02/11/2015 22:16

Thank goodneSS, I knew you were out there guys Grin

MascaraAndConverse89 · 02/11/2015 22:23

To the pp who are so dismissive of stepparents, do you still expect your DC's stepmum to make an effort with your DCs? Surely you can't have it both ways?

WhoGivesAFlying · 02/11/2015 22:28

My dsc's mum it thankfully a normal respectful person. We are polite to each other as this is what is best for the kids. She is kind to my ds (her kids half brother) and we all generally get along and can be in the same space and share a joke or two. On the most part, we all leave each other to get on with our own lives and tee kids never feel skewed or disloyal to any party. Less stress for them

WhoGivesAFlying · 02/11/2015 22:29

The kids never feel awkward*

fastdaytears · 02/11/2015 22:38

I didn't comment because I thought it was obvious that Nicki was stepmum bashing. But now I see it needs confirming!

I am not a SM (though have had them and have many step siblings) and the tone of your post made me really sad.

I can't tell you how pleased I am my lovely mum encouraged me to have a good relationship with SMs. It was the right thing for me. It wouldn't have happened if she'd had Nicki's attitude, but to the outside world it would have looked like I just didn't get on with them.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 02/11/2015 22:56

In some ways, I agree with nicky, in as much as I did not choose my DDs stepmum, or install her in my DDs life. I don't look to her to parent my DD, and have no expectations of her beyond common decency.

Unlike Nicky, I do recognise the fact that my ex does make demands of his DW in relation to DD, some of which I feel are unreasonable demands of a stepmum.

I appreciate the fact that DDs stepmum does go beyond common decency, maybe for ex's benefit rather than DDs, but which has contributed to the positive relationship DD has with her. As a result, DD has an additional dimension to her life. DD wouldn't be deprived if her stepmum was not as involved in her life, but DD benefits from the fact that she is.

I can see, and appreciate the value, of that; which is reflected in my feelings towards her.

m1nniedriver · 02/11/2015 22:57

This is how it should be. Unfortunately it's not always possible so I think minimal contact is the only other way. What lovely posts, restored my faith in humanity Grin which was dwindling with each post this evening

Wdigin2this · 03/11/2015 01:47

I'm a SM and a SGM, (and have been a SD) I was not the OW, I came into SC's lives in their late teens, we have a reasonably amicable relationship...but it's never been easy, being a SM even in the best of situations, is fraught with all kinds of difficulties!
But this EW is actively encouraging her DC to consider their DF's partner not worthy of common courtesy and whether she likes/dislikes/respects or even hates the OP....there can be excuse for teaching DC that!

Wdigin2this · 03/11/2015 02:01

Gaslamp has put it very succinctly!

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 03/11/2015 03:26

Mum, sm, and dsd of many many years here, and I just wanted to say that I completely agree with m1nnie.

Dh's XW tried for a few years to be a total cow and disrupt our lives when the dscs were here (one of whom lived with us), until she realised that I wasn't going anywhere, the dscs not only liked, but actually loved me, that I regularly had full parental responsibility for them (dh working overseas), and then came and apologised to me for what she had put us through. Fwiw, I wasn't the OW, not by a long chalk. Dh just never cow towed to her and she eventually gave up on her ridiculous crusade to make our life hell (possibly when the youngest Dsc begged her to stop calling dh and I nasty names and telling lies about us).

Atenco · 03/11/2015 04:32

I've been spared the problems of being a SM or dealing with SM, but I admire anyone who is a good parent to their own children, let alone someone who is a good parent to someone else's children. And I do think it is incredibly harmful to a child to teach them not to respect the person who is taking care of them, though I can't imagine what I would do in a situation where I did not trust a SM.

FarticCircle · 03/11/2015 04:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swingofthings · 03/11/2015 06:18

DSC couldn't look at me when she was with her mum - or her half sibling either.

Speaking from my own experience here. A child of separated parents when the whole thing is not completely harmonious, will constantly feel on some level of defensiveness. There are really three aspect to any situation, how the ex interprets the situation, how the SM does, and the kids do, which might be yet a different way. They often have a better judgement! Their own priority is that they want no conflict. I've learnt from my kids that like I did, they totally separate both lives. They don't talk much at all about their time at their dad and I think they avoid talking about us there.

This is probably why they didn't talk to you. They know you and their mum don't like each other much, however much you might try to pretend. They were in their time with their mum, and therefore separated from their time with you, hence why they didn't make a big acknowledgment of you there.

I can say that as a child of divorce, with parents who didn't hate each other and did their best for me, I still felt 'stuck in the middle' a lot of the time. Parents often assume that the kids are ok, and they are, because they learn to cope, but in the end, there is almost always this feeling that you are responsible for the harmony, making sure you say and do the right thing so not to infuse the conflict anymore and when conflict does happen, you always feel that it is a bit your fault, even when you know it isn't.