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Original poster

How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

529 replies

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 02/11/2015 15:36

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

  • ignores me totally - pointedly
  • tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
  • sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
  • undermines things I try to do with the kids
  • used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
  • asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

OP posts:
NZmonkey · 03/11/2015 22:24

Playing devil's advocate but why would you need to do this? I don't mean as a one off if indeed the OH is feeling poorly, but on a regular basis?

I think it started so gradually that it took awhile to pick up on just how much i was covering for what he couldnt do and it was only every other weekend so didnt seem a big deal. Plus it was my DP i loved him and felt i should help. When it got worse i considered talking to DSDs mum but you dont talk to someone who has made it clear they do not wish to know you (and are prepared to make your life difficult). Maybe if she had had a better attitude towards me from the start i could have spoken to her about it all and found a different solution to just taking on the responsibility myself. It didnt last all that long, DP went and got help and since then things have been much much better.

Original poster
Bananasinpyjamas1 · 03/11/2015 22:36

If anyone should get the Disney role, it should be the SM!

I totally agree too! I would love DP and EX to parent their kids, step in every time! And I just get to do the fun stuff with NO discpline. Sweet!

However, it's just not feasible even if they were absolutely great. In my case, for a long time EX wasn't physically there v much at all, we had kids the majority, DP worked long hours and I was at home, EX didn't want the kids for more time so they were 'stuck' with me I suppose. Before I came along, she just used to send them to DPs house whenever and tell the older ones to look after the younger ones if he wasn't there.

I am also an 'EX' - my DC has a lot of affection for my DPs soon to be wife. She is a lot younger, can be immature (some frights over safety issues at times!), but I don't have any ill feelings towards her. I think my DC also needs to feel that it's OK to like her. He often tells me stuff they've done together. On occasion it's not easy, she's resented the maintenance he pays me, but that's for my kids Dad to deal with.

OP posts:
WSM123 · 04/11/2015 03:59

I guess a positive to keep in mind is that most new relationships are fun and carefree and eventually problems can occur. When you have a vindictive spiteful ex in the mix its hard right from the start but as you learn to deal with the BS and how to stop it effecting your relationship (there is still hard days and this site is a godsend) the relationship gets easier. I think if you can cope with the BS from day one you can handle anything together. remembering that gets me through some bad days

Original poster
Bananasinpyjamas1 · 04/11/2015 11:20

WSM123 yes good point. Maybe part of it, whether it is dealing with a spiteful EX, jealous DSCs or even with a horrible SM - whatever our situations in 'blended' (sorry!) families, I think that I found it hardest to acknowledge that anyone was being an arse. I let my DPs EX get to me quite a few times, I just thought, OK but if I do this then it will get better and be amicable. Same with my DSCs, if I just do this or that we can all be happy.

In my case, the only thing that helped was standing my ground and taking the inevitable anger from everyone, including my DP at times. I didn't find this easy as it is hard as the SM to have any say without being shot down. Was I being unreasonable? Was I being a bad SM? Generally I avoid conflict and have a good group of friends, family etc. Being thrown into a situation where I was suddenly 'Enemy Number One' was a huge shock!

OP posts:
NotTheSpiceOfLife · 04/11/2015 11:51

So true Bananas. It's weird going from someone who thought that they were actually quite a good parent and respectable member of society to enemy no 1!

leopardstick · 04/11/2015 17:29

Amarmai is this how you think these men view their new partners? Or rather, is that what you think women are?

So because the father of these cc wanted a live in sexual partner, babysitter, housekeeper, cook, supplement to his finances etc the cc are supposed to beleive that this person is entitled to as much influence, love, loyalty, etc as their birth mother?

I actually find that disgusting and insulting.

fastdaytears · 04/11/2015 17:35

It is pretty insulting. These men choose their first wives for love and apparently their second ones for domestic duties and financial contributions.

fastdaytears · 04/11/2015 17:39

To be fair to Amarni though I think it was meant to be!

swingofthings · 04/11/2015 17:47

I do believe that there are exes who are spiteful for the sake of hurting others, or because they believe that the world should evolve around them, but I do think that for a majority of cases, the ex doesn't see her actions as being spiteful, more defensive. Unfortunately, it comes across the same.

I know it is very hard to adopt, but I really strongly that the best way to reach a level of harmony is by trying to focus more on trying to understand where the other party is coming from rather than finding more reasons to justify that everything is their fault.

leopardstick · 04/11/2015 18:15

Golden uterus at its best.

And actually some fairly ugly misogyny too.

PinkGinny · 04/11/2015 20:22

I am in no doubt my former husband and his partner view my actions as spiteful. They are not - they are entirely consistent with the level of respect they show me and have shown me. She was the OW - I am due her nothing, certainly not respect. If the children's father is not available to provide care I do not need her doing so. That is my role, as their actual mother in the absence of their father. I will doing nothing to facilitate her relationship with my children or extend her role beyond that of my children's father's partner.

As an aside my former husband's style and approach to parenting is being influenced by her approach to parenting (presumably for an easy life and to ensure his home comforts continue); I will fight that influence to the best my ability. It is not how he and I agreed to raise our children. Her questionable morals, selfishness and way of life are not influences I am prepared to accept.

fastdaytears · 04/11/2015 20:23

Pink really? Your ex isn't allowed to decide who looks after his children during their contact time with him?

PinkGinny · 04/11/2015 20:29

We have a first refusal principle - if he is not available I am asked first. And vice-versa. I have never refused, he has on the odd understandable occasion. Why would I lose time with my children for them to spend it with his partner? I am not sure why that is so surprising. The aim is for them to spend time with their father if he is not around why would they not spend that time with the parent who is available?

fastdaytears · 04/11/2015 20:39

Because she is part of his family now?

WhoGivesAFlying · 04/11/2015 20:40

Does that include him popping out for an hour or so? Or is it only more for long durations (say, an entire day, that I can understand as they are here to see him, not me) My DH on the very odd occasion may need to go out due to work, so I have the kids, it's this or he looses even more time with them if that were to travel all the way home.

WhoGivesAFlying · 04/11/2015 20:43

They, not that*...but saying that, I think mum would prefer me having them so as not to disrupt her free time....time she is entitled to IMO

fastdaytears · 04/11/2015 20:47

I can't see it would be good to be going back and forth for short periods, and most RP do have some childcare but if pinky genuinely never has her mum/sister/childminder/neighbour watch the kids unless her ex has said he can't and it works for them then fair enough.

Happydappy99 · 04/11/2015 20:47

I have the same view as Pink. I send the children to have time with their father - if he isn't available due to work or whatever then they come back to me for the day. It helps that we live close by so make it work between the two of us. I do appreciate all the work his wife does and that she does genuinely care about the children but she is not their parent.

I am very careful what I say in front of the children and I am happy that they have a good relationship with her but she not an additional parent - she is someone very important in their lives but definitely not a parent.

It might be different for other families but it works for us and for what it's worth she has a similar view of her ex's new wife too.

PinkGinny · 04/11/2015 20:48

Maybe fastday but she ain't part of mine. If there is a parent available and willing why would they not take care of their children? It's not a trick question.

Whogives I am pretty sure that there are occasions when he is out of the house for a bit or delayed and she will be 'babysitting'. It would be ridiculous to try to prearrange/cover at that level. But if he knows he will be out for an evening then they stay with me. We live close and have a 50/50 arrangement so no real practical issues and it doesn't generally materially impact his time with them. For example he leaves on business next week; they will be with me for 10 days. He recently took one of the three to a movie; the other two were dropped at mine. He picked them up on the way home.

PinkGinny · 04/11/2015 20:55

For work purposes Fastday we both use paid childcare, the same person in fact.

For social occasions - I generally arrange for the 50% of the week I don't have them or if necessary ask their father, if he can't then I would revert to a third-party. Likely my mum to be fair. I would never say no and give him the opportunity to delegate his responsibilities to his partner. It ain't going to happen. Nor would I ever ask her to do it if their dad wasn't available.

WhoGivesAFlying · 04/11/2015 20:57

Yes, it must help it they are close. My dsc are over an hour away so it would be really disruptive to take them back, plus, mum is at work anyway when we have them. All situations are different and if that works for you and the kids are happy that's what counts. I see my dsc when they are here to see thier dad. we all have a good time together but I also go out to give them time with just him. IMO if he's not hear for that majority of that time then he and mum need to figure that out.

WhoGivesAFlying · 04/11/2015 20:57

Here*

leopardstick · 04/11/2015 20:58

All this "why should I?" And "she doesn't deserve" and "they're my children"

You really don't see who you are actually hurting, do you?

fastdaytears · 04/11/2015 20:58

Well it doesn't sound much fun to me but clearly it works for you so that's all that matters. Hope you and your ex can get back on the same page soon.

fastdaytears · 04/11/2015 20:59

keopard honestly I'd give up! You make a good point but it seems it's either blindingly obvious or a total mystery.