How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

• ignores me totally - pointedly
• tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
• sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
• undermines things I try to do with the kids
• used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
• asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

Ha. The waiting for the phone to ring for the first half an hour after the sdc have been dropped off.... What have you done wrong this time?

DPs ex backed off a lot every time she got a new partner victimNeedless to say it didn't last as soon as they got to know her they gave her the boot and she would open fire on DP and myself. Close down the line of verbal communication, ignore calls. If she needs him she will text, they are easier to ignore! DP and the mother mainly text now and even that is rare. Stick with it, she will get bored eventually!

M1nnie as far as I know she is very happy now in her life. She has her own home that's not earthquake damaged (family home was an earthquake nightmare). She has a new DP that lives with her and DSD seems to love him very much. But you can't judge anything on stuff like that really.

NotTheSpice very well summed up. Its what we ask each other every time now. We attempt to have a joke about it but it wears you down.

With regards to the comment at hand over I think all you can do is smile and nod. She will soon get the idea. I don't tjinknitbwould be worth engaging in discussion about what actual what dsd did, she spuds the type to always find fault.

NZmonkey, in this case, just don't interact with her at all. You don't have to. Let your partner do the handovers, and tell him to tell you what she says, this way you don't know and can ignore, even pretend that she is happy with things.

I love my dp and his kids.(hard as it is sometimes) and sure no one asked for this set up but I think for a step parent to willingly take on someone children and help their dp raise someone else children says a lot about that person (unless of course they are an arse hole)

Unfortunately, for many mothers, this is exactly what they see as a bad SM, ie. one who is trying to act as a mother substitute to her children. They don't want anyone else but them and their ex to raise her children.

I'll be honest and say that my worse fears were that my ex new partner saw her role as helping raising them especially when her values and principles were at pole opposite to mine. Initially, it did feel that it might be the case, but gradually she seemed to take a step back. She is now what I consider a perfect SM, ie. kind and interested in them, but not trying to impose her parenting style on them. She has never taken them to a doctor appointment, attended a school parents evening or looked after them for longer than an hour maybe.

I also think that the age of the children makes a big difference. I felt much more protective of them when they were little than I do now they are teenagers and of course, time also makes things better.

I will always remember the day that I thought things would be ok and that was when my DD showed me a text that she'd sent her where she'd written 'maybe you should ask mum...' she didn't write 'your mum' but 'mum'. It sounds so insignificant, but to me, it was a huge sign of respect (especially as she wouldn't have guessed that DD would show, which she did not to make a point about her SM, but because she was showing me something about her new phone). That day, I let go a lot!

Respect has to be earned. When the sm is the ow that is a huge hurdle. When the sm is a sw in the school system and chooses to attack a ss with sn and try to get his f to disallow him in the house they bought together , she gets what she is asking for =byebye . I am soo glad i did not know about mn when my 3cc went to their f and sm and i am soo glad i followed my instincts and stayed faar away from her. When she ' FINALLY' trapped me in his hospital room, she poured out as much poison as she could until i got my wits together and left. I am getting some deja vu feelings from one pp- soo much bile?

swing I know exactly what you mean by that comment....mum and not your mum. It's the little things

That's a nice story swing. It's good when things are amicable like that.

DPs ex actually said to me once (she was drunk at the time and had phoned DP complaining about something or other and asked to speak to me) among other things that she was thankful I hadn't tried to take over her role as mother. I let her babble brvause it was easier and she was clearly pissed but I wonder more now if this is a huge isdue for mothers? Does the fear that this new partner might try and take over that role cloud judgment? Obviously not all cases but I wonder if it is for some?

I also get abuse via text, she calls me names that she assumes will hurt me (mostly about my looks which I assume is due to her own body image issues because its somewhat amusing what she thinks will bother me), at this stage I email them to my self and delete them (I will block her once all the visitation is sorted but for now my partner may need evidence of her nastiness) She has told the kids they are not allowed to hug me or listen to me if I tell them what to do (this caused problems when my partner thought I was just being horrid but once he saw the kids behaviour he nipped it in the bud)
My partner gets called names and all of her friend have been told he was abusive the entire relationship (some have even approached him and told him they don't believe it). She has also said she will tell the kids nasty things about him (and me)as soon as they are old enough, this has obviously started because the 6yr old asked me if I was already married and why I don't live with my husband, he accepted my simple/honest explanation
He is constantly terrified that if he stands up for himself or me that she will withhold visitation so she gets away with it.
I cope by making fun of the things she calls me and trying to convince him that no matter what she tries to tell them they will stilllove him and will figure out the truth in time.
Hope that helps

Thanks.
Minnie, yes I do think it is a MASSIVE issue for many mothers, especially with young children, especially when they have been the main carer even when still in a relationship with the father.

As a separated mum, you already feel that your children are in a more vulnerable position, so you feel even more protective.

My advice to any new SM, especially of young children would be to actually take a big step back from the start, no matter how much their DP encouraged them to be involved with the children and play happy family. That is the quickest way to reassure the mother that you are not in to take over her role and therefore for her to not feel she needs to scrutinise ever single little things. The bond can then grow gradually in time in a much more relaxed and natural way.

A reassured mum is one most likely to keep away!

When I say help raise I mean that I do things that my dp deems acceptable. So me and him have the same values on most issues. The kids mum has a different opinion. I don't do the whole parents night or appobtments. It's not my place. I try to in still my dps values as far as respect and honestly and maturity go. It's not my parenting her parenting and dads parenting. It's her and dps job to parent I just assist my dp. Mum however thinks she can just slav me off and beat me up to gain her kids respect.

For someone that has no interest in me she sure has a lot to say about me. Says more about her than me cos I've never said anything bad about their mum in front of the kids because I just dont know her to judge her. So she can do what she wants. I think we both have a lack of respect for each other for different reasons. Which I find really sad. Because I've only eve we one what I can for the kids to make them feel at home when they are here.

Unfortunately, for many mothers, this is exactly what they see as a bad SM, ie. one who is trying to act as a mother substitute to her children. They don't want anyone else but them and their ex to raise her children.

There are also some mothers who don't want their ex to raise her DCs either - particularly if they were primary carer during the marriage.

In their opinion, the role of the father is that of a DisneyDad - EOW theme parks and McDonalds. And a stepmum interferes with that formula by creating a family home environment - the vitriol in these cases can be lifelong.

I certsinly never parented the SC perish the thought

I parent them as much as any adult would with a child in the house please don't rip the wallpaper, please don't put that knife in the toaster but never making decisions etc. I think that probably was 1 of her concerns and perhaps the loss of control but it doesn't mitigate being a bitch as far as I'm concerned so that ships sailed perhaps these are issues for the mother in OPs case?

m1nniedriver - thanks for standing up to anyone who jumped on phrases like 'respect'. I, like you, understand that some SMs of course don't deserve respect, but those of us who are reasonably OK ( I hope!) and getting anger from an EX - there are very few outlets to vent and be listened to, even if disagreed with, about out particular situations.

But it is really helpful reading all the different perspectives, from SMs and mums. Some of you are having a hard time NZ Monkey and NOtthespice and others - sounds like harassment!

I don't blame my DSC for ignoring me on that occasion, it just hit me like a brick that their Mum had so much influence. It was the extremeness of DSCs reaction - couldn't even look at me - which made me realise that there would always be a barrier to our relationship even without DM there. Her Mum looked like she wanted to shout at me and DSC obviously picked up on this. I don't think there is anything I can do except just stand back and accept it.

Distance and reduced contact does seem to be one of the things that has helped both DM and SM on this board, and only picking up on things that matter. Swing - if my DSCs DM had ever asked them to get me a birthday card I think I would be amazed and grateful.

Even though it was awful at the time, my DPs EX also changed a bit for the better when I stood up for myself and laid down a few boundaries of my own.

Swingofthings I have no involvement in handovers anymore at all i used to come to the door if DSDs mum was picking her up from our house now i just hide in my room or in the garden. Ive never been up to the door at her house at pick up and drop off. Its hard to tell your partner you dont want to hear any of it as it gets to him too and part of being in a partnership is about supporting each other through the horrible stuff.

DSD was 3 when DP came to live with me. DP started suffering from depression not long after (earthquake house issues). DSDs mum worked the weekends we had DSD so couldnt look after her while DP was out cold unable to function or cranky. So i did want any decent person does i took care of DSD when he couldnt due to illness. I wasnt trying to replace her mum by doing that, i was just caring for a child living in my house who needed it.

Unfortunately, for many mothers, this is exactly what they see as a bad SM, ie. one who is trying to act as a mother substitute to her children. They don't want anyone else but them and their ex to raise her children.

Im clearly a bad SM by this definition, not that im trying to raise her but i certainly have cooked, cleaned, wiped her bum, cuddled her while she cried, got up in the night with her when she has bad dreams, looked after her when she is sick etc because her mum was not there and her father was ill.

*I certsinly never parented the SC wink perish the thought shock

I parent them as much as any adult would with a child in the house please don't rip the wallpaper, please don't put that knife in the toaster but never making decisions etc.*

I think this sums it up well too m1nnie

I agree NZ and M1nnie, I cook for us all, do washing, prevent them getting injured or "ripping wallpaper" but the Parenting things are up to my Partner or their mother. She wont even allow my partner to get them a haircut (but then moans he never does anything)
But my point is as stepparents we ensure their wellbeing as you would any child but don't "parent" as such

I appreciate nikkifury et all because I often think I must be mad and imagining that my SCs mum has the attitude toward me she has but it is true.

The problem with taking a step back in the beginning is that many men are considering how their potential partners are with their children because it's important to them that the women realise they come as a package. I know I would have been unappealing to my DH had I not embraced his children

"it hit me like a brick that their mum had so much influence" !?

MUM wd be the person whose body grew these children and whose body gave birth to them and whose body fed them and who nurtured them from birth and will do till her death.

So because the father of these cc wanted a live in sexual partner, babysitter, housekeeper, cook, supplement to his finances etc the cc are supposed to beleive that this person is entitled to as much influence, love, loyalty, etc as their birth mother?

Unless as in my cc's case, she decides that one or more is just not good enuf and s/he shd lose their father - of course that did rebound and she departed instead.

Bile does not begin to describe what is coming out here. Thank god my cc are long past all of this.

It is a really, really tricky line to walk for an SM with the whole 'parenting' issue. And that is what gets to me at times. It is only me who has to walk this tricky line, not the parents, getting blamed if I do too much, too little.

Realistically you cannot just ignore a kid in the house and not parent at all. On the other hand, you have to 'respect' their parents as the main decision makers... which is fair enough, that word 'respect' again!

However it was me who bought DSCs clothes because I was with the one who noticed that she had nothing that fit. It was me who had to have a word with other DSC for lying as she'd lied to me, I was one there when she wanted to meet her bf but pretended to go shopping.

If an EX or DP undermines an SM too much, i.e. you can never say anything to my kid - you can cook, clean, look after, but never discpline, tell off, guide, or give an opinion, then you basically end up as a servant.

Er... amarmai not sure where the the animosity from you comes from? I think if you read what I'd written it was the shock that she could influence her kids to totally ignore me in the street. This was the child that I had looked after for years, had got the nits from her hair, had hugged when she cried, took her to doctors, from school, cooked, cleaned... it was the shock that her mother didn't give a toss about how her anger towards me would make her daughter feel. I'm a total stranger to her so yes, what the hell was she making her kid feel bad about for by making it obvious I was not even worth a cordial 'hello'. After all, I have done nothing to her at all except be kind to her kids.

Im clearly a bad SM by this definition, not that im trying to raise her but i certainly have cooked, cleaned, wiped her bum, cuddled her while she cried, got up in the night with her when she has bad dreams, looked after her when she is sick etc because her mum was not there and her father was ill
Playing devil's advocate but why would you need to do this? I don't mean as a one off if indeed the OH is feeling poorly, but on a regular basis?

I think another issue mothers often have is that they struggle to separate themselves from their children when they go to see their father, but then find that they are left to spend more time with the SM than the father, hence if father doesn't care to look after them, then they would rather they stay with them.

Not an issue in my situation, but I do think there are a number of fathers who do rely a lot on their new partner to do all the normal every day chores and I don't think this is right. Not saying that the SM shouldn't do any of it, but it is common to read here that SM have enough of being relied on to do it all too often.

However it was me who bought DSCs clothes because I was with the one who noticed that she had nothing that fit. It was me who had to have a word with other DSC for lying as she'd lied to me, I was one there when she wanted to meet her bf but pretended to go shopping.

Banana, as a mum, I see this the result of a failure on your OH's behalf to act as the child's parent. Why couldn't he notice that she had nothing to fit her? Why didn't he discipline his daughter when she lied?

So you have mum who wouldn't mind taking care of these issues every day if it meant not having to be apart from their children, a SM who resents having to do it all, and father who wants as much involvement in the life of his children as mum does, but when it comes to the not so much fun part of it, are happy to dismiss that role, hence everyone not really happy with the situation.

I think the happiest arrangements are when dad accept his role as parent, ie. the fun and the not so fun part of it. If anyone should get the Disney role, it should be the SM!

SO true Banana's it is a very tricky line, you try not to "interfere" with the DP's parenting b on the other had you cant ignore bad behaviour. As example the 6yr old was being a little shit and was put in the corner, but as I walked past I saw/heard him spitting on the wall (totally disgusting so I told him off for it) some would say that's not my job, but there is no way I would allow spitting on my walls.
Another example was the child kept kicking my seat in the car, I asked him several times to stop, no change, I moved his foot and asked again, still no change, eventually after 2 hours of being kicked in the back I simply hit his feet off my seat (not anything violent) and DP "don't do that ..... will tell his mother you hit him"

I get that it's tough for mums, but that doesn't mean they can act like a pure bitch, often hurting the children in the proscess of trying to assert authority. SMs are only human and when attacked like that it's only natural to fight back. Surely the sensible mature thing to do would be to acknowledge concerns with the father (if you don't want to speak to the SM). It sets a president for the entire relationship. When treated like that both parties get defensive And it's harder to come back from that.

amarmia I actually have no idea what your trying to say did you not know it's very insulting/offensive/rude/derogatory to use the phrase Birth Mother or is it only naughty when a SM uses it . I've seen threads on here reduced to typing riots when that phrase has been used!

If anyone should get the Disney role, it should be the SM!

Succinctly put. It's far to common for a prospective stepmum to behave in a way that she believes is favourable to her partner - that is, she nurtures and cares for his DCs. Its early in the relationship, she wants to make a good impression on her DP, and the DCs - and in some cases, a misguided belief that the DCs mum will appreciate their efforts to look after the DCs so well.

It is a far more rare prospective stepmum who stands aside and says to her DP "your DC, your problem" so early in a relationship.

And a pattern of behaviour and expectations is formed. A stepmum who steps back from the nurturing role once she is "in post" is looked often upon unfavourably, not only by her DH (who may well have married her because of her willingness to treat his DCs as her own) but also by the DCs, who are bewildered by the withdrawal of support, and by wider society, who think it's cruel to the DCs for a stepmum to stop doing the school run/washing PE kit/pandering to fussy eaters.