How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

• ignores me totally - pointedly
• tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
• sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
• undermines things I try to do with the kids
• used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
• asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

I have to be honest and say that I find sad how this thread has now returned to the theme of the 'perfectly dignified SM vs the unstable ex.

Inevitably, there will be some cases that are truly black and white, but my apologies for doubting that every instance of difficulties stated here is 100% all due to the ex's attitude.

I am disappointed that it has come back to this because if there is one thing that I have learnt through my journey it is that almost no conflict, be it at home or work is caused solely by one person. It is when I started to focus my attention on my actions and attitude rather than that of my kids SM or ex that I was able to make things better for myself. It was never a case of 'everything is her fault, I am just reacting because I am the victim' but clearly a case of interpreting the same situation from two totally different perspectives.

Whatever the circumstances, one fact stands, and that is that exes will never fully know what is going on in the new relationship, just like SMs will never really know what happened between their partner and the ex.

Maybe if some posters used more of their energy trying to appreciate that the ex is a normal person with feelings, albeit misunderstood, but which don't make her irrational, rather than congratulating themselves for remaining seemingly dignified against the actions of an unstable ex, they would maybe start to find life a little bit easier for themselves.

swing. We're sharing ways of coping with behaviour of the ex on this thread - not analysing their feelings.

I couldn't give a monkeys what the ex is feeling - what I care about is how she behaves. I don't have any contact with her, and although she blames me for what DH says and does, actually, he is his own person and I try, unsuccessfully, not to let his former marriage affect me in any way. Why can't she do the same?

These are grown women; whatever their feelings, their behaviour is, in many cases, inexcusable.

well said pretty, I understand My partners ex is upset (although its been years work through it already) but that doesn't give her the right to call me names, ph my ex, threaten my business, torment my partner, withhold visitation and use the kids as weapons in her games.
If she put as much effort into healing/ counselling or what ever to help her get over him as she put into causing problems life would be happy

swing The title of the thread is about discussing the ex though!

I don't think it's like that at all! It's discussing coping strategies that's all.

Ive got to the point where even the fact that DHs ex uses the DCs as pawns/weapons doesn't really affect me anymore.

They're her kids - sadly, if she screws them up, then that's up to her. Yes, I'm sad for DH, cos they're his DCs too - but, having seen the efforts he's made and battles he's had, I'm confident that he's done everything he can. My job is to support him, not fight his battles.

Ultimately, it's nothing to do with me how she treats her DCs; I can't save them, so I can either be torn apart by their plight and continue to launch futile rescue missions, or detach and accept that it may not be how I'd do it, but that's her choice, for her DCs.

Ultimately, it's nothing to do with me how she treats her DCs; I can't save them, so I can either be torn apart by their plight and continue to launch futile rescue missions, or detach and accept that it may not be how I'd do it, but that's her choice, for her DCs

You can only do so much, I agree. Why spend your whole life trying to as you say "rescue" them? Why let it all take over your life? Life is too short. It's not your battle.

Good point.
its sad the ex's cant see the damage they are doing to the kids in the attempt to hurt/discredit the dads and their partners.
My partner used to hold in all the hurt and anger and take it out on me, but as the time has gone on he has learned to either brush off her BS or discuss it with me.
On occasions he still gets a bit funny and I wonder why and I later find out she has again been on the attack, fortunately our relationship is strong enough to survive but I can see how soo many wouldn't.

Swing - I do understand that not everything is black and white, and you made a good point balancing out a debate. Maybe if some posters used more of their energy trying to appreciate that the ex is a normal person with feelings, albeit misunderstood, but which don't make her irrational But for some posters the EX does seem to be unstable, or extreme, and they've said that accepting that is half the battle.

To be honest reading some of the stories here has made me feel that my situation isn't half as bad as others!

Like ....
Pretty We've had, for instance, Social Workers arrive on the doorstep unannounced due to things ex has said, and been turned away at the school gate by the HT due to her allegations, but we try not to get defensive and deny it.
WSM she even called the police to our house one evening because when he said "i want to end this shit" meaning their argument/ responding to her ramblings she decided he was going to kill himself
NotTheSpice She sent him a text once in the middle of the night telling him that she'd seen me kissing someone in town.
I do think keeping a calm and dignified head about those situations above is totally admirable, not sure I could have!

The reason why I don't get drawn into some of the tales told about how horrible the exes are is because my experience is that there always seem to be two sides to any story, the more shocking the story, the more often this is the case.

Who knows, maybe WSM partner did make threats about killing himself in the past and the ex had reasons to be concerned. I don't see the point in commenting on these because of all what as posters we don't know.

I don't know whether one SM decided to post her views on the matter after she read this thread or not, but she wrote the best words of wisdom, saying that if you can start to focus on the positives rather than the negatives, you can start seeing the same situation in a totally different light. I totally agree with this. Yet this thread has only been an accumulation of accounts of negatives about the exes, whilst some posters considered themselves fautless.

It's just an overall impression you get from reading posts. My impression of you is that you are a very nice person who genuinely meant to do well, but maybe didn't fully consider how upset your positivism could undermine your SD's mum who reacted defensively and therefore aggressively. I feel that it won't take much for things to get better in your situation and probably will naturally.

I do read some posters though and can't help but think it is no surprise they find themselves in conflict. They seem to thrive on it here, so can only imagine it is the same in real life.

I hate conflict actually. And I'm certainly not faultless. But I am in this situation! You will draw your own conclusions about posters here, naturally, we all do it. But you can only see one side of things, the same as we can.

My impression of you is that you are a very nice person who genuinely meant to do well, but maybe didn't fully consider how upset your positivism could undermine your SD's mum who reacted defensively and therefore aggressively. I feel that it won't take much for things to get better in your situation and probably will naturally.

I think the point should be that there is absolutely no justification for some of the behaviour described in this thread.

It doesn't matter how a person feels - there is never any excuse for violence & abuse.
There should be no aim or expectation of things "getting better" - once those boundaries are crossed, there is no "putting things right".

The best way for a stepmum to protect herself and her own DCs in those circumstances, is to have absolutely nothing to do with the woman who has violated her safety and security.

And if, as you imply, you don't believe posters when they share their experiences - then where is the limitation on your belief? If you doubt their honesty, then why believe they are a stepmum at all?

The best way for a stepmum to protect herself and her own DCs in those circumstances, is to have absolutely nothing to do with the woman who has violated her safety and security.

I totally agree with this, but it seems that this is not advice that is often followed with SM still getting involved rather than letting the only person who has to be deal with their ex.

It's not about not believing what people write, it's about the fact that what we write is about perception or that we can be selective in terms of the information we provide to relate the event, so to me, this doesn't mean much compared to what posters write about how they intend to try to make the situation better.

swing I have nothing to do with the ex whatsoever. No contact at all.

Doesn't stop her telling the kids I'm fat, or I sleep around, or that my children (that they have lived half the week with for years) are weird.. I could go on.

Tell me - after reading through this thread, do you think that's reasonable? That I deserve it? All I did was fall in love with a man who already has children

Having read some posts up thread, I'm grateful that DH's EW has never been other than polite and respectful towards me! I dont have much contact with her because all of our DC's are grown up, except in the case of one DSC where there is sometimes a (very) little friction!
What I cannot understand is, how could any mother make life harder for her DC, when they have inevitably experienced some level of disruption and distress, through their parents split in the first place! No matter what your own personal feelings are, surely you rise above them to protect your child from further upset or heartache in their lives?!
I am a SM and my grown up DC have their SM, who is good to my children, which is all ask. To be honest there have been one or two occasions when I've felt she has overstepped the mark, or assumed too much....but I button it and smile, because she is their DF's wife, and I don't want them to have to feel any loyalty issues either way!

to me, this doesn't mean much compared to what posters write about how they intend to try to make the situation better

But you're still placing responsibility on the SM to "try to make things better". Why should she? If, as has been described here, their DPs ex has been violent, abusive, rude towards her - then irrespective of the motive for that unacceptable behaviour, why should the stepmum be the one with the intent to improve things?

I'm sure that an improved relationship is good for the DC, but I fail to see why the SM, who is the adult with the least responsibility towards those DC's, is somehow obligated to act or change their behaviour in order to avoid inadvertently upsetting her DSC mum, resulting in the mums unacceptable behaviour.

The DC has two parents. They are responsible for their own behaviour, and the impact of that on their DCs. If a mother behaves badly due to the existance of a stepmum, or the weay in which that stepmum conducts herself, then why is the stepparent expected to "try and make the situation better"?

SWING- No he hasn't mentioned suicide before but because his ex has tried it its her first assumption.

It may be of course Pretty that the "..weay [sic] in which that stepmum conducts herself..." is part of the issue, no?

Of course, violence and abuse are never acceptable. Rudeness may be subjective. But it is disingenuous to suggest that the motive for any such behaviours is irrelevant of course it is not - people tend to react to another's actions. If the response / reaction is consistently poor then a wise thing to do would be to look at the actions which led to that response. Or accept that what you are doing will have an impact, deal with it and don't whinge? You can't have it both ways.

Where the situation is acrimonious then no party looks at the actions of the other(s) through a positive or even neutral lens, so thinking about what you are doing will come across to the other(s) is emotionally intelligent but also self-protective.

wdigin2this - you ask why any mother would not be able to rise above their personal feelings to make life easier/better for their children? Perhaps because they are not superhuman - and sometimes just sometimes the hurt, anger, betrayal, devastation and grief gets the better off them? Or indeed because what they feel is in the best interest of their children isn't the same as their former partner (and where appropriate his new partner) and so they don't think that they are not acting in the best interest of their children.

And when it was the ex that finished the relationship?

"... because what they feel is in the best interest of their children isn't the same as their former partner (and where appropriate his new partner) and so they don't think that they are not acting in the best interest of their children."

This is at the heart of all the issues that my DP's ex creates. DP isn't a bad parent and neither is the ex. For 4 years we were patient and tried to be understanding of how she parented but this courtesy was not extended.

We're now at a point where being conciliatory is upsetting and counter-productive. We've had the police turn up at our house, been subject to false accusations of assault and mental illness and contact is withdrawn if we don't tow the line.

The end result is that the children are caught up in a fight (for contact) which isn't of their making. I have absolutely no idea how this is in their best interests. The only way to remove the conflict from their lives would be to stop fighting to see the them but how is growing up with an absent father any better?

So, I agree that both parties need a bit of emotional intelligence but in our situation, we're the only ones showing any.

I am not sure that being the one who ended the relationship necessarily means that the ex is emotion free - it might be those examples, it might be others. It even just be downright jealously or indeed the often quoted bitterness. Whatever that strong emotion is will come through- it's only human.

Tampa that sounds shit - my former husband and I share contact 50/50 our mutual loathing does out on occasions but never has contact been stopped or frustrated by either party. Answers I clearly don't have as it is not something I would do.

Some of the language you use strikes me however : any reference to 'we' or 'us' from my former husband (referring to him and his partner) in terms of parenting/caring for our children would infuriate me - 'she' is irrelevant. I would have no interest in how patient, conciliatory, kind, understanding etc. she thought she had been, I am not interested. I am not trying to suggest you have done anything wrong here but it is perhaps a good example of where what appears to be a simple, innocuous things could cause bad feeling. Am I being irrational - probably. Would he be being insensitive - possibly. Does it actually matter - no not really. But it would be easily resolved, keep tempers even and things calmer.

(For the record before this is dragged up in 6 months time - this is a hypothesis and bears no relation to events real or imagined.)

Or accept that what you are doing will have an impact, deal with it and don't whinge?

What a lot of stepmums have done is nothing more than decided to share their life with a man who has DCs with another woman.

The fact that stepmums are being advised to "deal with and don't whinge" the kind of behaviour that is described in this thread illustrates the point in the OP.

Oh Pretty you are naughty taking that out of context. Here's the full quote.

"If the response / reaction is consistently poor then a wise thing to do would be to look at the actions which led to that response. Or accept that what you are doing will have an impact, deal with it and don't whinge? You can't have it both ways."

Clearly in no way related to the decision to share your life with a man who has children with another woman. Just for the record. But you carry on dear with your out-of-context quoting and obfuscation of the point. You are so very well practiced at it.

Tell me - after reading through this thread, do you think that's reasonable? That I deserve it? All I did was fall in love with a man who already has children confused
Of course not, but then how do you know everything that comes out of her mouth? Is it the kids who tell you? If she is so unstable that she would say things like this randomly, then surely you can just laugh at it?

But you're still placing responsibility on the SM to "try to make things better". Why should she?
Because she is the one who is affected by the conflict most? If others are managing it without feeling significantly aggrieved by the situation, then they are not going to feel the same need to make efforts to change things, and yes, I do believe that the onus should always be on the adults to try to install some changes when things are not good.

I can totally relate to what PinkGinny has written, especially in regards to having a totally different perception of which behaviour they believe has a negative impact on their children.

This is straying into the realms of victim blaming.
Stepmums are assaulted and abused but should ask themselves why that might be and should make most effort to change things as they are affected most.

Yet one more reason why I am thankful it is a burden I no longer bear.

Pink I appreciate your thoughts on the use of "we". I can definitely see that DP saying "we think this/we think that" would grate on his ex. However, I'm not sure it's possible to isolate new partners (on both sides) from the lives of the children concerned (or indeed any family, such as grandparents).