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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Am I being horrible?

104 replies

AppleBanana · 10/09/2015 12:40

DSS is 7. I've known him since he was 2.

As he's got older and I've had my own DC I've stopped being as affectionate with him. It just feels a bit forced now. He's an older child, not a cute little kid and I have two little ones of my own who are constantly climbing all over me.

My DH keeps having a go at me for not showing DSS lots of affection. We have a good relationship and I'm very fond of him, but it just doesn't come naturally any more like it did when he was really little IYSWIM?

Is DH right? Am I being horrible?

OP posts:

hullabaloo234 · 10/09/2015 12:42

wow, now he's no longer 'a cute little kid' your not interested in him?! Absolutely speechless. Your DH is right, you are being disgraceful

NotSoDesperateHousewife · 10/09/2015 12:45

You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself, you sound like a total shit.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 10/09/2015 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 10/09/2015 12:47

You planning to stop kissing and cuddling your own kids when they're 7?

NotSoDesperateHousewife · 10/09/2015 12:49

Given your hatred of your DSD, cheeky I'm not sure you're best placed to advise other step parents to be quite honest.

hullabaloo234 · 10/09/2015 12:50

you can't go from being affectionate to 'at least engage with him' - the poor kid has feelings and will be made to feel like he comes second to his siblings! In what way could that ever be ok?!

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 10/09/2015 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hullabaloo234 · 10/09/2015 12:50

Soooooo well said notsodesperate!

throwingpebbles · 10/09/2015 12:59

Ummm yes you are op. 7 year olds still need cuddles and attention just as much as younger ones

SillyStuffBiting · 10/09/2015 13:04

I think it's pretty poor behaviour to bring other posters previous posts into other threads.

Original poster

AppleBanana · 10/09/2015 13:04

It's not deliberate. He just seems so grown up and the smaller DC are so intense. It's sort of evolved that way.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 10/09/2015 13:07

Maybe you will be the same with your own when they are not cute anymore.

Original poster

AppleBanana · 10/09/2015 13:13

It's not that he's not cute.

Our relationship's changed. His mum wasn't around much when he was younger but they're closer now. I just think I've pulled back a bit so as not to step on any toes. Now it feels a bit forced. Should I fake it until it feels natural?

OP posts:

RaspberryBeret34 · 10/09/2015 13:17

From seeing what other parents I know do, it seems fairly standard to be a bit less physical with a 7yo than a 2/3/4 yo for example. And it is physically intense to look after little ones so I understand what you're saying there. As an alternative could you and DSS cultivate something you enjoy doing together? Or just gradually up the physical affection - fake it till you make it even if it feels a bit forced? Give him a big hug hello and goodbye for example, put your arm round him if watching a film etc.

IssyStark · 10/09/2015 13:18

You have to make an effort.

My ds2 (3yo) would monopolise me all the time if he had his way and ds1 (8yo) wouldn't get a look in. Ds1 isn't as cute as his younger brother because it isn't a cheeky toddler, doesn't mean I don't love him anymore. So I make sure that I do give him cuddles, drap my arm around his shoulders, tell ds2 he'll have to wait his turn, mum's hugging ds1.

It doesn't just keep happening as they get older, you have to make the effort so yes, I do think YABU.

IssyStark · 10/09/2015 13:19

Drape not drap!

MerryMarigold · 10/09/2015 13:21

My nearly 7yo ds gets tons and tons and tons of cuddles. Actually so does my nearly 10yo ds (he's just started pulling himself back from them, so I follow his lead on that, but sometimes he still wants a big cuddle).

I think, particularly if your step ds lives with you, he definitely needs a lot of cuddles and to feel as loved as the other 2. Affection is a massive (and actually quite easy) way of showing love. I'm not saying the same level of cuddling as the little ones who are probably on you nearly all the time, but maybe one long cuddle a day that's a good, old snuggle on the sofa, or cuddle in bed. A hug and kiss before school and after. He will end up feeling second best otherwise.

QuiteLikely5 · 10/09/2015 13:23

See it this way. You can make a brilliant contribution to a child's life by being nice towards them.

Just do it, fake it. Make a positive difference to someone's life step child or not.

fleurdelacourt · 10/09/2015 13:35

IMO you do really have to fake this otherwise he will become aware that he's being treated differently.

Also 7 is really very young still? That is still in cute little kid stage IMO? He won't want or need cuddles by the time he's 10/11/12 but right now he does.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 10/09/2015 14:02

Is he seeking cuddles from you? Are you rejecting him?

If he knows that cuddles are available, but he's not seeking them, then you need to respect that - forcing him to cuddle, kiss etc will create more problems.

If it helps, I've seen similar posts from mums on the parenting board after birth of younger siblings.

Tory79 · 10/09/2015 14:13

You know, it's ok to treat a child who is not yours differently to one who is, because, you know, they're NOT your child. (Disclaimer as long as you're not being mean and horrible, obviously!)

Op, also there is a difference between rejecting cuddles and not offering cuddles - rejecting would be a bit harsh, not offering is fine - I presume he gets plenty of affection from his actual parents!

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 10/09/2015 14:26

It is natural to step back a little as kids get older - I'd just be wary of 'not dreading on others toes' and seeing a divide between DSC and your own - if you've had a good affectionate relationship I would treasure this as a step mum - it is like gold a lot of kids just don't adjust at all.

You want to be able to feel like a family still don't you? That 7 year old will turn into a teenager before you know it and any hurt or resentment now could turn into difficulties that will affect your whole family. You say you still have a good relationship - which is great. Just still give some cuddles and some special time to that 7 year old - even 30 minutes at bedtime with a story if he goes to bed later than the others - where you explain that you know that you have to spend a lot more time with the little ones but that you still love him, read him a story and a cuddle - it doesn't have to be a mad juggle - just don't lose that great relationship! I'm a step mum and I'd give anything to be able to be affectionate to my DSCs - they were just too resentful and too old to take it from me and I have now no bond at all.

WhoGivesAFlying · 10/09/2015 14:53

As kids get older they get less cuddly. My dsd comes to me less now she's older (9) than, say when SE was 3 or 4. I'm sure my own dc will do the same. As long as you don't reject affection and are nice then that's fine. If you were being deliberately cold that's different. It's ok to fake it a little

f1fan2015 · 10/09/2015 14:58

I find myself doing the same thing with my DD5. I grew up in a family were affection was not shown very often and I find myself slipping into doing the same. When she was younger (and cuter) it was much easier to find occasions that warranted affection or spontaneously kiss and cuddle her. Now she is more independent it is harder to fight my default learnt behaviour.

Some people are kiss and cuddle people, some aren't. It may not have anything to do with the fact he is your DSS and will happen with your own children as they grow. I only have one child though and the contrast between your behaviour with your DSS and your own children is obviously worrying your DH. I think your idea of fake it till you feel it is a good one as it won't be long before he pushes you away as he gets older and feels it is less acceptable for you to be affectionate

riverboat1 · 10/09/2015 17:09

I have known my DSS since he was 4.5, be is now 10 and I have never really been physically affectionate with him. I have always been hyper-aware of not trying to be his mum, and have felt it would be better to leave the cuddles up to DP. He's not a big cuddler anyway - if he cuddled up to me I'd reciprocate but he never has so I assume he's happy with things being this way.

I essentially think that if your DSS likes cuddles and things you can't reject him, but if it has just naturally fizzled out without causing an issue what's the problem? Providing he isn't left out of a round of night night kisses or group cuddles on the sofa or anything.

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