Am I being horrible?

[AppleBanana]

DSS is 7. I've known him since he was 2.

As he's got older and I've had my own DC I've stopped being as affectionate with him. It just feels a bit forced now. He's an older child, not a cute little kid and I have two little ones of my own who are constantly climbing all over me.

My DH keeps having a go at me for not showing DSS lots of affection. We have a good relationship and I'm very fond of him, but it just doesn't come naturally any more like it did when he was really little IYSWIM?

Is DH right? Am I being horrible?

bertrand yes, really.

I wouldn't dream of sitting down next to my DD and cuddling her without ensuring it was ok with her, or walking up behind her and starting to fiddle with her hair.
She wouldn't welcome that.

And does she say "would you lime to share a hug?" to you too?

We don't use those words, bertrand.

I might say "do you need a hug?" Or "shall we hug and make up?". She does initiate physical contact, less so as she's got older, but which I will, of course, respond to - that's my job as her mum, and I'd do the same for any child with whom I had a relationship.

I would not, under any circumstances, ask for, or initiate, hugs /contact with DCs who were not my own.

I am simply responding to the OP's dilemma, in her case it appears that the child is missing spontaneous affection from her, but if he or any other child rejects it, then there's your signal to stop! And yes, generally visiting SC need to feel an equal in the houshold, but that's not to say, they won't have their differences recognised or responded to in the same way as the resident children's! I wonder what happens in some households if the SP is left, for whatever reason, (it happens) in sole charge of a SC, what if the child falls and hurts itself and is sobbing....would you not automatically pick them up with cuddles and words of comfort?

Wow.

Firstly, my youngest is just turned 7. We still have lots of cuddles, kisses, closeness. It's the same with my my older two, who are 10 and 13. There's nothing wrong with affectionate behaviour between parents and children.

Secondly, I work in a primary school and I'm very tactile with the children. I work 1:1 every morning with a child of 5 who has ASD. He's very tactile and I give him high fives, hugs, hair strokes, all the time. It's not some dirty secret, his Mum has seen me do it, his teacher, other staff, the Head, the SENCO. I'm tactile with the other kids in the class too. And the kids through to the school. And guess what, I'm bloody well loved by the kids, the staff and the parents. No one has an issue with me because I obviously care about the kids I work with.

I can't get my head round people who have distance between themselves and their children as the children get older and what bothers me about the OP is not that she doesn't love him now, it's that she did love him and now she loves him less. That's quite sad. I understand not feeling love in the first place but to feel it then withdraw it from a child who is still quite young is not very nice at all.

in her case it appears that the child is missing spontaneous affection from her

Where does the OP say that? And, unless she has talked to her DSS about it, how would she know?

lilac it's great that your DCs welcome the affection you show them - I've never said its wrong?
What I'm trying to highlight is that all DCs are different, and assuming that they want/need affection and contact can lead to problems.

How do you know that all the DCs in the school are comfortable with the level of physical contact you have with them? As a teacher, they may be unwilling to tell you they don't like it, just like stepDcs may go along with affection shown by their stepparent becaus they don't want to upset them or their parent.

I didn't suggest she did say it...I merely said 'it appears so'. I am assuming this from the fact that his father complains he's not shown the same level of affection as the other children in the house! But actually what does that matter, the OP knows in her heart if her DSC wants and needs affection from her, and basically she's floundering as to how or whether she should be giving it! I wonder where the posters, who slammed her for not showing him love, are now!

I'm not picking children up and hugging them to my bosom. I've had safeguarding training and know what's appropriate. The vast majority of the time it's the children come to me and hug me, hold my hand, etc.

Children have pretty clear body language that let's you know if they're not comfortable being touched and I would 100% respect that. And I absolutely know that there are some children who don't want to be physically touched so I stick to verbal praise with them.

what's happened here is ... she had her own kids, and now this step-kid is just in the way. she loves her own kids far more than Step-child, and when her own kids turn 7 she won't "back off" she'll love them the same. and step-kid will just end up resenting this woman after she chose to be a part of his life and affectionate, and then two "more important" kids came along and she rejected him.

the kid is gonna be screwed up.

I'm here Widgin.

I think the OP is in the wrong.

I agree Binary.

But hey, it's only a step-child, isn't it? They're not important in the grand scheme of things.

Of course she loves her own DCs more.

I'm bewildered as to why a stepchild, who has two loving parents, will be screwed up because their stepmum doesn't love them like she loves her own.

DCs aren't stupid - they do know their stepparent isn't the same as their parents.

But in this case, she's been loving and affectionate for 5 years then withdrawn that love because she's now relegated him to second best. That's the issue here. Had the relationship been like this from the off it wouldn't be a problem, but she's changed things.

That's going to be very confusing for such a small child.

Unless she's actually rejecting him, I doubt he's noticed.

My neighbours DCs aren't scarred because I've stopping tweaking their cheeks and ruffling their hair now they're no longer toddlers.

Lilac, do you think she's wrong for withholding affection, or wrong for not knowing how best to deal with this now different scenario?
001, I've been where the OP is, but wth DGC of my own and with DSGC! I care for and do/buy exactly the same for all, but I don't feel the unconditional love for DSGC as I do for DGC...I can't help it, it's a gut reaction, but I never intentionally let it show in deed or word! My husband says he's aware of this, but is also aware that I do my best at all times....conversely he says he has the same feelings of love for all of them but I wonder about that!

southamerica regardless of step-status, there was a previous 5 year long relationship wit the child, which was set by the adult.

And adult chose to have a loving and tactile relationship with a child, and is now rejecting that child. The adult has changed the terms of the relationship, because her own children are now more important.

that is not the 7 year old's fault.

the 7 year old will not understand the fine nuances of emotion and love that only a mother can have for their child etc etc

the SEVEN YEAR OLD CHILD is now just being rejected by a key adult for reasons unknown. The obvious conclusion a SEVEN YEAR old will come to is "oh these tow other children have appeared and step-mum kisses and cuddles them. Why has she stopped loving me"

so the SEVEN YEAR OLD (Did I mention, this kid is 7?) will resent those tow kids and will become a bit screwed up.

Poor fucking kid

Don't be obtuse SouthAmerican, you're not married to your neighbour and have other children with him that you love more than them, so that's no comparison.

I think if she's been loving and affectionate until this point, from the age of 2, then yes, it's wrong to now withdraw that love and affectionate. Especially if nothing changes in the way she treats her own children. And, of course, nothing will change there, will it?

001 given that many stepDCs survive the sudden and complete removal of a stepparent from their lives - I'm sceptical that the gradual reduction of physical affection by the OP towards her DSC (at a time when he can see the demands of younger DCs on her time) could be quite as catastrophic as you imply.

001, in essence I agree with everything you say, the child of 7 is not the problem here! If the OP gave love and affection to this child before having her own DC, then she must continue to try her best to do so! Where I have a problem is that, having her own DC will have brought out all the natural maternal feelings, which, no matter how much she cared for him, she (probably) didn't have for her DSC. But the point is a 7 year old doesn't understand this, which is why my advice, (which was totally shot down!) was to try her best to continue/re-introduce words and acts of fondness and affection, as far as the child accepts! What's so wrong withthat???

I'm not advocating taking over the mothers role, and I freely admit I don't unconditionally love my DSC or DSGC, I'm fond of them as they are of me, but a mother's love is (usually) reserved for her own children, because that's how nature created her!!! But I don't think it's right to withdraw physical affection from a child, who has got used to receiving it, because you have now had your own children! You can still have them in your life, and show kindness and sensitivity...if not love, which is understandable!

Nobody's asked if the DSS lives with the OP. I think it makes a massive difference. If he's basically grown up (since 2) with OP as his Mum, and his biological Mum 'wasn't on the scene much', I think we can assume his bonding is pretty messed up. This is messing it up even more.

In my responses, I have assumed the DSS lives with the OP and has had a very much 'mother' based relationship with her since he was v young. Her Dh seems to think so too. It's much more of an adoptive situation that a step parent who has a 13to step DC every other weekend so I don't think applying the same standards or emotions is appropriate at all.