Am I being horrible?

[AppleBanana]

DSS is 7. I've known him since he was 2.

As he's got older and I've had my own DC I've stopped being as affectionate with him. It just feels a bit forced now. He's an older child, not a cute little kid and I have two little ones of my own who are constantly climbing all over me.

My DH keeps having a go at me for not showing DSS lots of affection. We have a good relationship and I'm very fond of him, but it just doesn't come naturally any more like it did when he was really little IYSWIM?

Is DH right? Am I being horrible?

My advice would be to fake it, 7 is still quite young.

Dsd was still jumping in my lap, 'doing' my hair and coming in for cuddles then.

I can see where your coming from in that it can be difficult to give the same amount of affection for older children when you have much younger ones but it really will be worth the effort.

Dsd is nearly 13 now. She prefers cuddling dd 2.5 rather than me but that's just teenagers isn't it

I'm not being judgemental though. Sm's often get a hard time on here. I think people forget that for most it doesn't come naturally so we can be left wondering 'what is the best thing to do?' Follow your head or gut?

Asking for advice on here sometimes can be like poking your head in a lions mouth

Don't beat yourself up, you have two little ones to look after and he is now the 'big boy'. Do you think he is missing your affection or is it just his dad saying it?

Even in 'normal' family, it is not uncommon for dad to start spending more time with their elder kids as mum gives more time to the younger ones. Just treat him like he is the older child and try to respond to what he wants from you rather than anticipate what you think, or more like it seems, his dad things you should do for him.

An occasion well-meant hug, a warm smile, a remember to ask about something that was important to them, an endearing word, all these are signs of affection that are not too demanding, but just show that you care and that's often all what is required.

An occasion well-meant hug, a warm smile, a remember to ask about something that was important to them, an endearing word, all these are signs of affection that are not too demanding, but just show that you care and that's often all what is required.

Aw, that made me cry, swingofthings. Beautiful.

I think your manner of expressing it is extremely poor.

I do not think you are being horrible at all.

Does he come to you for affection?

I have a similar situation. When DSS was 3 to 5 he was very affectionate and would climb on me for cuddles. He too had very little to do with his mother. At 6 he started spending time with his mother, the more he was with her the more he withdrew from me. So I was a lot less affectionate with him, but it would not have been welcome either. By the time he got to 10 he would hardly speak to me.

So I would make sure that even though your relationship is not physically affectionate, keep close to him through conversation and family activities.

I went through an 'awkward' stage with my DSS at about the same age and found books and articles on attachment, most aimed at adoptive parents, were very helpful. We got things back on track quite quickly and enjoyed a very affectionate relationship up to the end of his primary school years.

We're in the middle of a difficult period with him now and haven't seen him for a while, but I am so grateful that he has the memory of our warm and loving relationship to remind him how very, very loved, accepted and wanted he was and is.

I think the fact you ask this question shows you care, but it bothers me that you say you're very find of him, I was in love completely with dsd by far less than 5 years. If you don't love him you're really into the faking it stage which will get worse when he becomes a teen...I hope it works for you, you can love a child without stepping on a parents toes

7 Is still very young. Op had quite upset me.
I feel very sad for this little boy.
Hugs, smiles, bedtime stories one to one, kick a ball with him. Tell him 'night night, love you millions'.

Hugs, smiles, bedtime stories one to one, kick a ball with him. Tell him 'night night, love you millions'.

Step parents who force this on their DSC, believing that the DC needs it to feel loved, can do untold damage.

My DH is an incredibly important part of DDs life. The laugh together, argue, and have a very strong relationship which has built up over 6+ years.

But, my DH has never hugged her, or told her he loves her. I'm certain that DD would have withdrawn and rejected him if he had. She and I have talked about it and she's told me that she wouldn't be comfortable with it.

It leaves me feeling "sad" "upset" and "bothers" me that people are judging the OP based on their own limited experience. This should be child-led, not driven by the adults feelings of what "should" happen.

You don't have to love your step children! You have to be nice and kind to them.

I am very fond of my dsd, we get on just fine. But I don't love her, certainly not in comparison to how I feel about my own children. She doesn't love me either, she likes me, she happily spends time with me, we talk and have fun.

Loving your step children is not a pre requisite, nor is it essential for a good relationship.

Quitelikely, you are dead right! It's possible to fake it till you make it, and it certainly does make a difference to the lives of SC, I've been doing it for decades, and now again with DSGC! It's not that you don't care about them, (even when they take outrageous advantage of DisneyDad!) or that they are less important in the family dynamic, it's just they are not yours....so you cannot naturally, have the same unconditional, all consuming love for them! I think some posters are being harsh in their replies, because I don't think the OP is being unkind to her DSS, she didn't say she refused cuddles, just that she doesn't now offer them, and yes she should make the effort to do so now and then, but she's here asking for advice, not attack! So mine is....give him the odd cuddle, as a sort of jokey thing, grab him tickle him and say, you're not too old for this are you? Or just occasionally stroke his hair back/straighten his shirt, whatever small touchy feeley thing you can unobtrusively do to get back to a more normal, unforced scenario, it takes time and certainly isn't always easy, but really, if you want a harmonious family life there is no choice but to just get on with it...a little less criticism from DH might help too!!!!

Spot on Tory!!!

If his Mum is involved in his life, then it is not your job to be his Mum, so as long as you are kind, and fair to him then I don't see a problem. Does you DSS think there is a problem or is it just your DH?

So mine is....give him the odd cuddle, as a sort of jokey thing, grab him tickle him and say, you're not too old for this are you? Or just occasionally stroke his hair back/straighten his shirt, whatever small touchy feeley thing you can unobtrusively do to get back to a more normal, unforced scenario

If either of my DDs step parents "grabbed" my DD in the way you describe, even as a joke, I'd make sure they never had access to them again. Stroke their hair? Really?

It's not acceptable for a teacher, child carer, or even distant relative to physically touch a child in the way you describe, regardless of motive, so why the hell should a child be expected to tolerate it from a stepparent?

I thought this was a reverse. Isn't it?

SouthAmericanCuisine you don't think a step parent should physically touch a child?

YABU, 7 is still very little.

I think it should be child led - just like with all other relationships!

Once a child is old enough to express an opinion, they should be asked - how many times have you seen posts elsewhere on MN from unhappy parents about grandparents insisting on physical affection with a child?

If the stepchild is happy with casual touching, affection and hugs, then fine. But a 7 year old is old enough to talk about it.

I ask my own DD if she wants to share a hug; I wouldn't dream of grabbing her, unannounced.

Oh for goodness sake, I'm not talking about physically monopolising the child or trying to take over from mum, just small gestures of affection to show him he has an equal place in the family/household! The OP can't win can she, damned if she does give cuddles/physical affection, damned if she doesn't!

Gosh- do people really not give their own kids a quick passing hug or stroke?

"Would you like to share a hug?" Really?

I think the OP has got it spot on - Our society showers young DCs with affection, and as they get older, it's less appropriate!

I cuddled my neighbours baby, tickled the feet of a friends toddler etc, but that wouldn't be appropriate now they are older. Why is step parenting different?

And, why oh why do people insist on confusing "equal" with "identical"? Just because children are treated in different ways does not create a heirachy in a family. It's a ridiculous fallacy that is only perpetuated in blended families - in nuclear families each child is treated in a way that is appropriate for their age, maturity and capabilities.