Am I being horrible?

[AppleBanana]

DSS is 7. I've known him since he was 2.

As he's got older and I've had my own DC I've stopped being as affectionate with him. It just feels a bit forced now. He's an older child, not a cute little kid and I have two little ones of my own who are constantly climbing all over me.

My DH keeps having a go at me for not showing DSS lots of affection. We have a good relationship and I'm very fond of him, but it just doesn't come naturally any more like it did when he was really little IYSWIM?

Is DH right? Am I being horrible?

lilac ice reported your post - it's one of the nastiest personal attacks I've seen for a while.

Oh, I've actually read the OP's post as it being the DSS does not live with them and has a home with his DM....maybe I'm wrong! Would OP like to clarify?!

I would try to sneak some cuddles when he is tired and try activities where you are all physically close such as a film night under a duvet? All children included.

Lilac I have reported your post too. You are being very personal and unkind to 3Cheeky.

I do think a lot of you are also being unkind to OP. When you are steparenting a child who has limited contact with their mother and then that contact starts again, your postion as a SP changes. You do need to step away a bit and allow the child to rebuild their relationship with their mother. AppleBanana you may find that you have unconciously stopped showing affection as he has stopped seeking it.

Also you do not have to love your step children. I am fond of my DSS, though teenage step kids even test that. I have never expected my step parents to love me or my kids and I don't expect my DC's step parents to love them. I am happy with fondness.

You've reported me for stating what I've seen across this board?

Interesting what's construed as a PA these days.

Some of you need to get around the site a bit more, I think.

I'm amazed that my post has been seen as offensive but it's fine to bitch about young children as if they're a blight on people's lives.

And if my post comes across as 'unkind' and 'nastiest' think about how it feels to read about blatant dislike and disregard for young children.

I'm sorry, but I'm genuinely baffled about which part of the Talk Guidelines I've broken.

Oh, and surely your post could be construed as trying to bait me, SouthAmerican.

I think you might find goading is against Talk Guidelines.

That's my big crime? Referring to past posts?

but how anyone on this board takes you or your 'advice' seriously is beyond me. You're well known across the site for your dislike of your own step-children and that tends to come across in your posts to everyone else on this board.

I reported you for this comment - you have projected your opinion of a poster onto other people and presented your personal opinion of her a representative of "everyone else".

I see where you're coming from but firstly you've misinterpreted the last part of my sentence. I didn't mean that 3Cheeky represents everyone on this board with her comments. I know that's not true. I meant that she always posts in the same manner - the child is wrong, the adult is right, because it's a step situation. I think she has blinkered views and automatically sides with the SM because of her own situation. That's my view on how 3Cheeky posts. That's not a PA.

I stand by what I said before that. You can't give constructive advice when you're not being objective. If you have a vested interest you're unable to be objective. And saying that step children aren't damaged by uncaring step parents is a nonsense. Like I said, check out the Relationships board for adult accounts.

I meant that she always posts in the same manner - the child is wrong, the adult is right, because it's a step situation.

No, she doesn't. That's your opinion - you can't possibly know her motives. You think she's not objective, I think the same about you - neither is provable or fact.
And I reported you because your comments towards cheeky were written from the POV of all posters, not just your own.

Yes, I did say that's my view but thanks for pointing what I've already said.

lilac you're back-pedalling. You said that cheeky is "well know across the site" for her views, and that "everyone" has the same opinion as you.

That's a lot more than just your view - and when you post things like that, it becomes a personal attack, IMO.

I don't love one of my stepdads I don't even like him so why should he love me

The other one I care for and he cares for me but not as much as he loves Mt sister his real daughter or as much as I love my real father and that's absolutely fine. I haven't grown up bothered by it. He did however treat us the same as children and that's the important thing, that children don't feel pushed out. Can't say he was particularly cuddly/kissy with either of us and neither was my stepmums.

Of course there will be lasting damage if the child has felt love and security from someone since the age of 2 and that love is suddenly whipped away like a tablecloth under a vase.

The OP has never mentioned love, she is clearly talking about physical affection which is only one of many ways to demonstrate love and caring.

I don't know how anyone could doubt from her posts on this thread that she obviously cares about her DSS and wants to do the right thing by him. How are people extrapolating from this thread that she has decided her stepchild is "in the way" or that she thinks he's "not important"?! If that was the case she'd hardly be on here seriously considering both sides of the question the way she clearly is.

It's also highly ironic that posts on this thread range from those deeming it "totally inappropriate" for a stepparent to be physically affectionate to children, to those accusing her of "screwing up" the child if she DOESN'T keep up the physical affection. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Not down to you to tell me where to post 3Cheeky.

My post has now been deleted so do as you've asked me to do and draw a line under it and move on.

River, the people saying physical affection is inappropriate aren't the same people saying the OP shouldn't withdraw it.

Exactly what I said earlier Rivernoat! The OP's post was greeted with cries of derision, then we have the 'don't touch my child' brigade....she can't win!

And yes, apologies, she didn't mention 'love' did she?

She did, however say that she's been in his life since he was 2 and that Mum wasn't really around when he was younger. He may well have seen the OP in his mother's role in that case and I think it's even more important that she not withdraw the physical affection now.

How confusing for the child. He's so young!