What happens if we just reduce child maintenance ??

[chablisfan]

Hi
Would really appreciate some constructive advice
Please please please no step mummy bashing.. I do not have poisonous apples and I think they are beautiful and amazing kids. Ok ? ??????please be nice.

Have DSS 8, DSD 5 and DSD 4
Also my DS 8 ( I divorced when he was 3)
DP shares with his ex 60/40 residence order.

DP had separated from and lived apart from ex before youngest born for reasons it isn't my place to post .. But it was more than understandable he chose to leave... Trust me on that one..... Plenty of eye witnesses etc.
if you have ever been in the divorcee late 30s dating arena then you will know all their ex wife's are " mental" ( usually an emotionally unsupportive ex husband referring to Post natal depression there ) ... But there is the odd genuine crazy lady out there ??

I met him a year later. We are in process of slowly "blending " the 2 sets of kids and so far so good... Play dates, weekends, progressing onto holidays etc....plan to buy house together. My son and I will move to Scotland , where they live, from London so we can all be together as much as possible as DP travels for work so much.

Reading some books on it, getting some advice, having a few 5 minute sulks at each other and then realising amazing kids are just getting on with it beautifully thank you very much and we can open the wine now!!

He tried to keep divorce as amicable and low key as possible for all. He was financially very generous to the ex.. In fact she wouldn't agree to the divorce and withheld the children etc etc to procure even more money... Basically he paid through her through the nose in order to secure a split residence order....this has just been done. ????

They drew up a childcare and financial arrangements agreement ( Scotland so slightly different divorce procedure) he voluntarily paid all legal costs.
He pays her 1200 a month .. Well Above csa ... And mortgaged himself and borrowed from parents to leave her mortgage free. She got half pension also. He just wanted to get away from her but not lose his Kids and accepted she wasn't going do it unless she got cash. she retained her own assets from before the marriage.. He pretty much gave her his.

She was working freelance occasionally.
Now she is working permanently
For some reason her yearly earnings slip went to his address.. Same last name so easily opened. Omg ???? she is earning a lot of money. Nearly as much as him given tax situation.

Yet she keeps pleading poverty and asking for half her au pair costs etc. He and now we pay for clothes and toys for them .. DSS don't even have dolls at home or dress up princess stuff and kept turning up looking like Amish kids in dungarees. It makes them happy so that's great and they are so lovely ... But where does her child maintenance go ??????

So... I am getting to the point i promise..
In the divorce agreement she insisted on the wording " pay £1200 a month maintenance or csa whatever is the greater" .
Is he able to reduce his monthly maintenance payment to her something nearer csa ( actually £ 800 when she wasn't working but given her wages actually less, although we don't want to risk the kids going without)

???????

My spousal maintenance from my ex is going to stop when I move in with DP. I have sole custody of DS but I work part time at a job I love but isn't going to pay the mortgage ( just extras really ) and DP has a great job he loves with super perks for us as a family... Pays welllish but tax man really gets the main perk. So we are up against it

We want to send kids to private secondary school if we can (the 2 boys both seem to need smaller class sizes and we have had some
Bullying issues which were really upsetting) ... Neither ex will help with fees.

It isn't really possible for DP and their mum to sit down and chat it over... She really has a lot of bitterness toward him for going against God and nature and breaking up the family etc. and I am the whore of Babylon obviously so not me either.

Anybody know how it works?
If he just reduces the monthly amount is he going to be in huge trouble ? I am pretty sure from my googling he does have grounds to reduce it but given that line in the court order ????

Every time you ask a solicitor a question it costs about a million quid!!

Really grateful and sorry such a long winded essay here!!

.

it's not always up to the father to bank roll everything forever

Given 41% of single parent families live in poverty and most of those have female parents, what on earth gives you the idea that fathers' are?!?

I'm pretty sure OP posted about this situation about a month ago. The boyfriend came across as much less of a prize back then and It was queried if he had actually dumped the ex.

Ah city I saw that post I think. It sounded very much like he was living a double life and leading the OP on that post a merry wee dance if I remember correctly.

Are you thinking of the OP who was working at a house near her boyfriend's and saw another woman going in/out, a woman she was certain wasnt the nanny that he said was there? And then he said it was his sister?

To add another voice...

I don't think it's unreasonable to consider what is fair with your partner. I know both me and my partner have been quite protective of each other - we both were generous to our exes and my partner was the first person who made me see that.

It is a minefield though! Me and my partner are quite broke compared to his ex, even paying maintenance to her for a child 100% resident with us for a long time, but I would be wary of getting too involved. I'd be a supportive partner to your man, but maybe stay out of the school debate. And if he wants to reduce maintenance - then that should ultimately be his call.

He walked out when she was pregnant - so give some maternity leave, she was not going to be earning as much.

Ok - I have 3 DCs, my ex earns over £100K per annum, he pays £400pcm - I pay for virtually everything because 400/3 does not cover the swimming lessons, school trips, clothes food etc etc etc etc.

Some of you are trying to argue here, that because the RP mum earns more than the Dad he should not pay for his kids - NO No No and effing no.

He has a moral and legal obligation to contribute to his DCs - that is dependent on his income and what it costs to raise his DCs. It has nothing to do with what his EX earns. WE all cut our cloth to do stuff for our children - some more than others.

Now to put the cat among the pigeons - I earn about 10% more than my EX. So what some of you are saying is he should reduce the pittance he pays because I earn more than him.

My EX supports his new DP and her 2 DCs and takes them on luxury holidays but claims poverty and can not take his own with them. She sits on her arse while I pay for his children - the monies he should be paying for his DCS he spends on hers. I support the OW criticisng my child care arrangements. parenting skills, how I clothe feed and manage the DCS, whilst she sits there like lady muck and the monies he should be paying support her sodding lifestyle. In my mind I support my family and the OWs family because he would not afford all the luxuries for her if he paid for his own DCS.

How can anyone on here justify that a parent should not pay their share of bringing up their DCs.

This is so wrong I am saddened that some posters who I respect are even suggesting that.

Yes, city and num, I think we are remembering the same poster. Wasn't that the DP hadn't informed the ex about their relationship and they were moving in together and kind of springing upon her? Or something like that and people questioned if he was really separated.

Surly that was a different one. Turned out to be the sister! They met - had a wee happy ever after.

Christ, I clearly nip in to mumsnet for a wee neb far too often.

Yes passion I think that sound maybe about right. Not sure if it's the same OP but to be honest I guess it would make sense. Especially given the weird "post being redirected 3 years later" nonsense. Hmmm I'm intrigued.

That makes me sound mean. I'm really not.

Surly that was a different one. Turned out to be the sister! They met - had a wee happy ever after.

Ahh! Yes i thought that one was a bit more than a month back but tbh the months seem to run into each other when im on MN

Quesera - I think the general consensus has been that the OP's DP should continue paying what he is and that OP should just stay out of it.
I haven't read every single post on all 8 pages but I haven't noticed anybody saying that he shouldn't be paying for his DCs.

I understand that you're angry with your ex Quesera but the big difference here is that the OPs DP has his children for an almost equal amount of time as their mother.
If I remember rightly, your ex isn't very involved with your DCs?
That does affect financial matters greatly.

No one has said ex's shouldn't support their kids - who do you think said that?

Anyway, having them is part of that support and he has them 40% of the time apparently.

Hi OP - the main point in all this is to distinguish between child maintenance and spousal maintenance as often the two get entangled. Your DP and his ex need to look at this given their previous agreement. If their salaries are similar and they are sharing child care there seems to be no reason why your DP should be paying over the CSA limits given that he is also providing for them when he stays with them. It is not unreasonable for your DP to ask his ex about this.

I posted this on his behalf to try and get some sensible advice or shared experience--

Then the best advice would be not to do anything on his advice. Your main problem is that it is quite clear that all your arguments stem from what it is you want happen to suit the life you are about to build with your partner. Understandibly, you are then justifying all what would require to change to suits this new life by saying that it has always been wrong in the first place.
Your OH's ex won't be fooled though. She will know very clearly that those suggested changes are a result of the need to accommodate you moving in with your partner. This can only lead to one outcome: war. Is this really th way you want to start life as a SM?

The kids might get along well now, you are in love etc... but I can assure you that even when it all looks perfect and everything is well planned, when you go through adjusting to a new life all together, it is a set of challenges, and that's when there isn't pressure from outside. You'll have enough on your plate to settle in this new life to putting yourself in a situation to deal with a bitter ex, especially when you already seem to consider her as a very difficult woman.

My advice would be this: Can you truly say that if it wasn't for you moving in your partner, than he would have revisited how much maintenance he is paying? If it is the case, then I would very much suggest he deals with this much before you consider setting a home together. If the true answer is that he would have been happy to continue as it is, then you've got to accept that it is not right that you moving in and him supporting you and your son (to whatever extent) should trigger that revision.

Well you got. Bashing there OP. I suspect if you see some of the nastier posters again they will be trolling other SMs so don't worry too much.

Imagine wanting to know the financial issues your DP has before you move in with him, you selfish selfish woman. How dare you have an opinion you are a SM. You are there to look after his children as and when but never to utter an opinion or indeed point out that his exw sounds like a greedy piece of work .

She basically blackmailed him using her children to get as much money out of him as she could shameless!! He gave her the house, half his pension, he paid all the legal fees Nd he gives her £1200 a month and he has shared care . I doubt the children are going to 'suffer' if he reduces the maintenence a bit to improve his own life. She milked him dry and blackmailed him, what a horror that BM is! People need to have a word with themselves