What happens if we just reduce child maintenance ??

[chablisfan]

Hi
Would really appreciate some constructive advice
Please please please no step mummy bashing.. I do not have poisonous apples and I think they are beautiful and amazing kids. Ok ? ??????please be nice.

Have DSS 8, DSD 5 and DSD 4
Also my DS 8 ( I divorced when he was 3)
DP shares with his ex 60/40 residence order.

DP had separated from and lived apart from ex before youngest born for reasons it isn't my place to post .. But it was more than understandable he chose to leave... Trust me on that one..... Plenty of eye witnesses etc.
if you have ever been in the divorcee late 30s dating arena then you will know all their ex wife's are " mental" ( usually an emotionally unsupportive ex husband referring to Post natal depression there ) ... But there is the odd genuine crazy lady out there ??

I met him a year later. We are in process of slowly "blending " the 2 sets of kids and so far so good... Play dates, weekends, progressing onto holidays etc....plan to buy house together. My son and I will move to Scotland , where they live, from London so we can all be together as much as possible as DP travels for work so much.

Reading some books on it, getting some advice, having a few 5 minute sulks at each other and then realising amazing kids are just getting on with it beautifully thank you very much and we can open the wine now!!

He tried to keep divorce as amicable and low key as possible for all. He was financially very generous to the ex.. In fact she wouldn't agree to the divorce and withheld the children etc etc to procure even more money... Basically he paid through her through the nose in order to secure a split residence order....this has just been done. ????

They drew up a childcare and financial arrangements agreement ( Scotland so slightly different divorce procedure) he voluntarily paid all legal costs.
He pays her 1200 a month .. Well Above csa ... And mortgaged himself and borrowed from parents to leave her mortgage free. She got half pension also. He just wanted to get away from her but not lose his Kids and accepted she wasn't going do it unless she got cash. she retained her own assets from before the marriage.. He pretty much gave her his.

She was working freelance occasionally.
Now she is working permanently
For some reason her yearly earnings slip went to his address.. Same last name so easily opened. Omg ???? she is earning a lot of money. Nearly as much as him given tax situation.

Yet she keeps pleading poverty and asking for half her au pair costs etc. He and now we pay for clothes and toys for them .. DSS don't even have dolls at home or dress up princess stuff and kept turning up looking like Amish kids in dungarees. It makes them happy so that's great and they are so lovely ... But where does her child maintenance go ??????

So... I am getting to the point i promise..
In the divorce agreement she insisted on the wording " pay £1200 a month maintenance or csa whatever is the greater" .
Is he able to reduce his monthly maintenance payment to her something nearer csa ( actually £ 800 when she wasn't working but given her wages actually less, although we don't want to risk the kids going without)

???????

My spousal maintenance from my ex is going to stop when I move in with DP. I have sole custody of DS but I work part time at a job I love but isn't going to pay the mortgage ( just extras really ) and DP has a great job he loves with super perks for us as a family... Pays welllish but tax man really gets the main perk. So we are up against it

We want to send kids to private secondary school if we can (the 2 boys both seem to need smaller class sizes and we have had some
Bullying issues which were really upsetting) ... Neither ex will help with fees.

It isn't really possible for DP and their mum to sit down and chat it over... She really has a lot of bitterness toward him for going against God and nature and breaking up the family etc. and I am the whore of Babylon obviously so not me either.

Anybody know how it works?
If he just reduces the monthly amount is he going to be in huge trouble ? I am pretty sure from my googling he does have grounds to reduce it but given that line in the court order ????

Every time you ask a solicitor a question it costs about a million quid!!

Really grateful and sorry such a long winded essay here!!

.

You say yourself that the ex previously worked on a freelance basis but then secured full-time work. Inevitably, this would mean an increase in wages.

If the agreement on maintenance was made prior to her increasing her wages, she has done nothing wrong. Or are you suggesting that she shouldn't advance her own career and do well for herself? Or indeed, move to a full time position that pays a regular wage rather than be reliant on freelance work?

If the agreement on maintenance was made after the agreement on maintenance was made, much would depend on how the agreement was made as to whether she was either legally or morally in the wrong. If your partner knew, for example, that she had found full time work, what evidence of her income did he request?

Regardless, much will depend on the nature of any court order as to whether or not maintenance can be reduced without any legal fall out. The legal fall out, however, is not what you should be worried about.

Hang on the ex didn't lie. When the financial agreement was drawn up she was freelance so no regular income. It says that in the OP and as far as I am aware she is under no legal obligation to declare her earnings to her ex husband.

Given you don't even live with him you are way too involved in their finances...

I am not aware of the law in Scotland, Regina, but in England, she would have had to declare her earnings on a Form E as part of the divorce. However, much depends on how agreements are reached in the first place. It sounds unlikely the ex has done anything legally wrong in this case, but it's not impossible.

She may well have a case for people opening her personal mail, however.

I should imagine that your DH is within his rights to reduce maintenance to CSA level but it would be best for him to talk to the ex first.

If I were you I would also take some time to realise how lucky you are. You receive a substantial amount of maintenance from your ex (enough to see DS to private school) and obviously enjoy a good standard of living with your current DP.

I don't say that to make you feel bad but so that you'll see you don't have too much to complain about. Some of us receive £0 in maintenance and cope with autistic DC.

That's what I mean fed from the OP it states that she was freelance and now has a permenant job so she hasn't lied at all she would have been truthful on the form E at the time. She is under no obligation to revel her earnings now to her ex.

If he wants to reduce it and the original amount was agreed in court then he will have to go back to court to change it.

Agreed, that if it is her pushing for private school, she should be prepared to contribute. However if she's happy with state, she's not obliged to fund a decision your DP has made.

That's it really. The rest of your post is a bit . Your finances aren't joint. You don't have a child together. You don't live together. This stuff isn't your concern. It may be at some point in the future but even then, things like her income or how she chooses to spend the maintenance money she receives for her children will never be any of your business.

Your suggestion that you potentially being responsible for school runs somehow entitles you to an opinion on what school they go to is out of whack too I'm afraid. You're entitled to decline take your DSC to school and leave their parents to sort out school runs. That is all though, you can't insist on them changing schools to fit in with what works for you or which school you've decided to send your DS to.

Oh and I spend a small fortune on kids' clothes. It's my favourite thing to buy. All 4 of ours have dungarees hanging in their wardrobes. Love them! They're weren't particularly cheap either!

Actually I am now inspired to by dungarees. I assume they are particle and look quite good on children.

If your partner wants to reduce the maintenance he pays to the level of CSA - in accordance with the relevant law but against the contract formed between him and his ex - the first thing he should do is consult a solicitor.

Since he hasn't, despite being a grown-up and having the funds for legal advice, it rather looks as if you're pressuring him to spend less on his own children so he can spend more on yours. If that were the case, it wouldn't be very nice of you.

You could ask your ex to continue funding his children's school fees.

I'm slightly concerned about your putting down the deposit on your new house. Have you been through all the legal ramifications of this with a solicitor? What proportion of the house will you own? You don't have to answer, but it's worth a thought.

Obviously that was buy and practical stupid iPad.

For those moaning about how nasty the responses are and that this is the most vicious board on MN, I actually think you'd have got far worse responses in AIBU and far more of them. The OP is ridiculously over involved and this can only lead to huge hostilities in the future. I would make life very uncomfortable for an incumbent girlfriend if I found out that she was posting publicly about MY finances on the grounds of being party to the illegal opening of my personal mail.

You are just someone that her ex met and decided to have a relationship with, I am actually that you think at this point you have any stake in this situation.

Try posting on the legal board op - knowledgeable people there who will be able to answer your question without making a lot of judgements about the rest of your situation much of which isnt relevant.

I think (but i am a bit out of date) if its just child support then after a year after the court order he can just call up the new CSA and ask them for a recalculation which will then automatically replace that part of the court order. This will based on your DPs income and the number of children with a reduction for the number of nights the children stay with him and any other children who live in his household. Her income is not relevant nor should she use this as a reason to reduce contact time which should be a separate issue.

Wow, what nasty unhelpful replies. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with the OP but the snide personal attacks are pathetic.

OP, I'd hide the thread and post a very factual thread on legal.

HoneyLemon - Next and H&M for bigger kids. I got some short ones from FatFace for our older girls too. Gap does loads for under 5's. Shout if you need anymore suggestions....I'm a bit obsessed ;-)

Ah just saw Scotland - sorry op I dont know if any of my reply applies! Definitely try the legal board though.

Yes post in legal. You'll be able to find out where you stand on opening personal mail and acting upon the contents then as well. Make sure you don't forget that bit.

Of course passing judgement on somebody who wants to reduce what her BF children receive to meet her own financial gain is wrong and irrelevant
While you are bopping around the boards take a look in loans parents and divorce/separation and see what it is like for mothers who are financially screwed over by their exes and their new partners.

OP this is a complete aside, but have you looked into teaching in Scotland? If you trained in England, you may ( depending on qualifications) have to jump through several hoops as you maybe considered " overseas" trained and have to complete a portfolio.

No advice on the rest of it but I would feel quite pissed off too.

I haven't read the the whole thread but I don't see why he should reduce his payments if he can afford it. If her wage goes up that doesn't mean his payments go down.

If my DH ex got a pay rise my DH certainly wouldn't drop his payments, that's her money to do with as she wishes, (and I'm sure the kids benefit from it).

If she's asking for more just explain that you can only afford the agreed amount and leave it there.

Op you didn't want step mum bashing yet you seemed to find it ok to bash the childrens mum, what she earns is not your concern.

Your dp is quite within his rights to pay the CMS calculated amount given the 60/40 split of child residency.

If I were you I would find a home to rent with just you and your ds near to your dp for a few months to

a) see how things pan out, you have only stayed together for weekends, another 6 months is nothing.

b) what is with all of this private education thing? You would be financially better off if your ds went to a good state school. What dp does with his dc education is not your concern, that is for him and his xw to bash out.

c) stay out of his and his xw financial arrangements, again not your concern (I speak as a step mum).

d) if your do needed help why doesn't he post on here in the legal section. He needs to sort things out.

I am afraid your posts do sound very grabby and not really about the childrens best interest, maybe if you hadn't have been quite so toxic about your Dp's xw then you may have had responses more inline with what you were hoping for.

It is also perhaps prudent to point out that opening another persons mail without their concent is infact illegal.

When it comes to blending families the softly softly approach tends to work better for a more harmonious outcome.

It is always better to try to get on this the xw, what went on between her and your dp is not your concern. Even the nicest of people can behave badly during relationships, splitting up and divorcing. My dp and his xw had huge issues, but they are separately lovely people. I certainly would not try to do anything other than be supportive of both of them, they are the parents of my dss!

Get your boyfriend to speak to his solicitor if that's what he wants to do.

I always feel disheartened when I read about a situation that has worked perfectly well and then all hell breaks loose when the RP decides to move on a in reality support another family at the financial detriment of his existing children.

I'm all for blended families when thought through properly and to its full extent. I love my boyfriend, I wouldn't allow him to move in though because at the moment it would make me financially vulnerable and reliant upon his income. Once DD is at school and I don't have to worry about childcare costs and my full time wage won't be getting eaten into quite so much it will be a different story. But as an adult and a mother I could never ever condone my another adult reducing maintenance in order to support me financially especially if I was only working part time.

You have seen fit thus far to live off your part time earnings, child maintenance and spousal support from your ex. Your earning - great, child maintenance - great. Spousal support? Seems to me like you're wanting a cushty wee set up going from living off one man direct to another except the other already has made a financial agreement to help support his children and ex. Have some pride, support yourself before interfering and supporting your current boyfriends financial set up. You couldn't live without the spousal support or future support from your new boyfriend, don't expect another woman to do what you can't.

The excuse, "I want to live with him because I love him" comes across as childish to me. We all need to make mature and informed decisions that we don't like sometimes, maybe wait until your earning potential is better before blending your families.

As a side note - the payslip. If you have been together 3 years why is he still needing post forwarded? Within 3 months of my husband and I splitting up my mail was all coming to my new address. Your story doesn't add up.