What happens if we just reduce child maintenance ??

[chablisfan]

Hi
Would really appreciate some constructive advice
Please please please no step mummy bashing.. I do not have poisonous apples and I think they are beautiful and amazing kids. Ok ? ??????please be nice.

Have DSS 8, DSD 5 and DSD 4
Also my DS 8 ( I divorced when he was 3)
DP shares with his ex 60/40 residence order.

DP had separated from and lived apart from ex before youngest born for reasons it isn't my place to post .. But it was more than understandable he chose to leave... Trust me on that one..... Plenty of eye witnesses etc.
if you have ever been in the divorcee late 30s dating arena then you will know all their ex wife's are " mental" ( usually an emotionally unsupportive ex husband referring to Post natal depression there ) ... But there is the odd genuine crazy lady out there ??

I met him a year later. We are in process of slowly "blending " the 2 sets of kids and so far so good... Play dates, weekends, progressing onto holidays etc....plan to buy house together. My son and I will move to Scotland , where they live, from London so we can all be together as much as possible as DP travels for work so much.

Reading some books on it, getting some advice, having a few 5 minute sulks at each other and then realising amazing kids are just getting on with it beautifully thank you very much and we can open the wine now!!

He tried to keep divorce as amicable and low key as possible for all. He was financially very generous to the ex.. In fact she wouldn't agree to the divorce and withheld the children etc etc to procure even more money... Basically he paid through her through the nose in order to secure a split residence order....this has just been done. ????

They drew up a childcare and financial arrangements agreement ( Scotland so slightly different divorce procedure) he voluntarily paid all legal costs.
He pays her 1200 a month .. Well Above csa ... And mortgaged himself and borrowed from parents to leave her mortgage free. She got half pension also. He just wanted to get away from her but not lose his Kids and accepted she wasn't going do it unless she got cash. she retained her own assets from before the marriage.. He pretty much gave her his.

She was working freelance occasionally.
Now she is working permanently
For some reason her yearly earnings slip went to his address.. Same last name so easily opened. Omg ???? she is earning a lot of money. Nearly as much as him given tax situation.

Yet she keeps pleading poverty and asking for half her au pair costs etc. He and now we pay for clothes and toys for them .. DSS don't even have dolls at home or dress up princess stuff and kept turning up looking like Amish kids in dungarees. It makes them happy so that's great and they are so lovely ... But where does her child maintenance go ??????

So... I am getting to the point i promise..
In the divorce agreement she insisted on the wording " pay £1200 a month maintenance or csa whatever is the greater" .
Is he able to reduce his monthly maintenance payment to her something nearer csa ( actually £ 800 when she wasn't working but given her wages actually less, although we don't want to risk the kids going without)

???????

My spousal maintenance from my ex is going to stop when I move in with DP. I have sole custody of DS but I work part time at a job I love but isn't going to pay the mortgage ( just extras really ) and DP has a great job he loves with super perks for us as a family... Pays welllish but tax man really gets the main perk. So we are up against it

We want to send kids to private secondary school if we can (the 2 boys both seem to need smaller class sizes and we have had some
Bullying issues which were really upsetting) ... Neither ex will help with fees.

It isn't really possible for DP and their mum to sit down and chat it over... She really has a lot of bitterness toward him for going against God and nature and breaking up the family etc. and I am the whore of Babylon obviously so not me either.

Anybody know how it works?
If he just reduces the monthly amount is he going to be in huge trouble ? I am pretty sure from my googling he does have grounds to reduce it but given that line in the court order ????

Every time you ask a solicitor a question it costs about a million quid!!

Really grateful and sorry such a long winded essay here!!

.

We want the boys to go privately as one has a few mild learning difficulties and one has been bullied at school

It is ridiculous to suggest that private school is the only solution to those things (my DC have AS, I do know what I'm talking about).

If you have constructive advice great

My constructive advice is to mind your own business and not to attempt to influence your (responsible, CM-paying) boyfriend to slash the CM he pays. Hopefully your exes new partner(s) will afford you the same consideration.

We are you paying child maintenance to someone else's children? you dont yet live together. Have you combined finances? You say you are putting down the deposit on new house which suggests you havent combined finances at all. It doesnt make sense that you are paying his child maintenance. Or maybe your ex would view it as he is paying your partner's child maintenance!

And SurlyCue is right, it's not 'we'.

Some things are between the parents.

It is actually easier that way. I don't think you realise the can of worms you are opening. Right at the start, too.

It makes even less sense that you are working part-time yet paying his child maintenance. How exactly are you doing that on a part-time wage and what sort of person who is earning enough to pay £1200 a month in maintenance lets their part-time working partner pay for it?

All very odd.

Thankyou wantobesupermum that is helpful advice -- I suspected this was the case and yes I think DP should speak to solicitor

I am not really getting involved with their education although I will be doing school run 40 per cent of month ( his ex doesn't mind that by the way )
Also DSS confides in me I guess as I am a parent who isn't a parent and it hurts my heart problems he having with bullies at school

DP and I want to live together as we love each other

You do understand the basic principles that bills must be paid and you can only spend what is left over, don't you? (Regardless of whether your 'heart hurts')

OP - I'm sorry but my head rules over my heart. I wouldn't move in with the love of my life if my child's future was affected.

I understand that it must kill you that he is being bullied at school. Why arent his parents speaking to his school and coming up with a plan to turn it around? You should be challenging your DP to speak to the school and find out what's going on.

Want to be super mum

Thankyou for being nice-- its lovely
Am experiencing some rather unsisterly posts on this when I just specifically was looking for knowledge of the matter from a legal perspective-- either through experience or profession.

DP has spoken to school-- a few times- and with his ex which always ends up in her yelling at him( I have heard her down phone )
School say it is being dealt with
But DSS is reluctant to name names of course
His mum tells school it is because DP left , that she has decided Dp has aspergers and DSS has inherited it and thus has social issues

DP is definitely not and nor is DSS

I am only up there some weekends for now and it definitely is not my place to get involved---

The responses you have to your post are far from step mummy bashing or unsisterly baulk.

It is none of your business what she earns and none of your business what he pays. It is that simple.
The money he pays isn't about toys or lots of clothes it is about the cost of a child on a daily basis.

Why would any decent man want to reduce what money he pays for his children? If he is so concerned that the children are going without because the ex is spending it on champagne and caviar then go to court again.

You will not be thanked for your interfering OP and you should learn now that being a SM has certain boundaries and involving yourself in the finances of his ex and how much he provides for his children is a big line you should not cross.

You do not sound like a nice person at all in fact you sound money grabbing and nosey. That has nothing to do with you being a SM which by the way you are not you are just their dads girlfriend.

If the arrangements are in the Separation Agreement, I think that is a legally binding document.

I have no idea legally whether he can reduce it.

But tread very carefully, essentially it seems that by moving in with your DP, your only income is going to be a part time one for 'extras', and child maintenance from your ex which will be spent on private school fees. So you need DP to cover a lot of you and your DC's living costs? Presumably part of the reason youyou have got into this way of thinking he should pay less to his DC's costs at their mum's is in order to free up that money to support you and your DC? Further justified by fact she already has good salary and you want to send them all to private school and she won't pay towards it.

I think the private school is one thing, and if both parents really want to send their DC there it would be fair to look at the costs of that in relation to maintenance. But the rest of it is a bit dubious and shady IMO.

IfI were you I would want my DP to make decisions alone about his maintenance payments, I would NOT want to get involved in that. I am a SM and I feel much more comfortable leaving all maintenance/money stuff between DP and his ex, I just don't comment on it ever.

It's great that the kids are all doing so well and you like them all so much though.

Good post Regina said everything I wanted to.

I am not really getting involved with their education although I will be doing school run 40 per cent of month ( his ex doesn't mind that by the way )

Can I ask why? You're not dropping them at school at the moment, so why do things need to change suddenly?
When you move in together, things will be disrupted enough for the kids, it seems unnecessary to change their routine straight away. It should be a gradual process, not a complete upheaval all at once.

payslips are generally sent through the post in very distinct packaging. It is hard to understand how even the same name and initial could have resulted in someone opening a payslip that wasn't meant for them. How would your partner feel if his ex was opening his payslips and then attempting to use the information contained within to increase maintenance?

I am not sure why you think 'we' should be able to say whether or not someone else's children go to private school? why is that a decision you need to be involved in? why do you get to say that child maintenance can be reduced so that someone else's child can go to private school?

Essentially, you want to reduce child maintenance to the ex to ensure that your own child can go through private schooling whilst you have the luxury of working part-time and 'being there' for your child. You are using the 'she earns almost as much as my partner' as the reason to justify this.

You only want responses that tell you reducing child maintenance is legally possible. There are lots of very experienced step mums here telling you that you are stepping into a minefield without any protection and you're not listening. You are heading towards some serious explosions.

That is a really good point fed wage slips don't come in a normal envelope they are usually self sealed and unless your boyfriend receives exactly the same looking payslips and shares the first initial very doubtful he had no right to open it.

I think your boyfriend should run for the hills as I suspect you will do all you can to ensure you and hours are his only financial concern so that you can continue to live the part time life you have come accustomed to

Wow
I am stunned by how unpleasant you are all being
What has it got to do with the issue if I refer to my man as boyfreind or DP? We have been together 3 years

I offered to put this OP up for DP in order to get some straight answers if possible. Simply--- an answer from a legal perspective based either on personal experience or profession.

Seems to be a lot of focus on the school issue here
Perhaps my original post didn't explain too well as it was too wordy
Or perhaps because I.omitted to post certain information as I simply did not feel comfortable posting anything personal about another female

Their maintenance was based on her earnings which she was dishonest about- children with him 40 per cent of time- I don't like seeing him taken advantage of he loves his kids and is far from tight

I wish I had not posted this now
I woke up to see a stranger had called me a nasty person
Wow-- shame

OP if it's a legal answer you want, then I suggest you post on the MN legal board, not here on Stepparenting, which focuses more on the relationships aspect, rather than legalities.

It sounds like an awful lot that he is contributing to ex. I think it might be worth reducing maintenance to the csa amount - maybe wait until a year after the separation agreement. I guess the worst that can happen is that he would have to back pay it. I'm in no way legally qualified though! It might be worth paying for an appointment with a family lawyer for advice.

I do understand how you can open an exes mail as I have opened my exes pension statement before by accident.

PS the step parenting board is the most vicious place on mumsnet - you will get much more gentle responses on other topics :)

Yes you should be ashamed.

She wasn't dishonest you said yourself she was earning a lot less when the original agreement was drawn up so where was she dishonest?
The ex wife does not have to declare her earnings to your boyfriend, there is no legal requirement for that. Do you declare yours to your ex?

As peruvian said if you want legal advice post in legal. However it won't stop what you are wanting to do from being morally wrong.

Or perhaps because I.omitted to post certain information as I simply did not feel comfortable posting anything personal about another female

It doesn't matter.

Nothing you slag the mother of his children off for has any bearing on CM.

Nothing at all has any bearing on CM other than his earnings, the number of children and the number of nights per year they spend with each parent. Period.

That IS the legal position in 97% of cases. Most of the other 3% involve high net worth individuals.

You are being unfairly bashed, OP. Par for the course for stepmothers here. The ex is taking the piss. Your DP is paying over the odds and also paying all the extras.

Back to court and see if she tells the truth about her income this time.

That is crap. It is not vicious at all. It is a place where good advice on a difficult position is given by experienced SM's who can see the OP is heading for disaster and should keep her nose out of the exes financial situation.

Back to court and see if she tells the truth about her income this time.

If the only issue is CM then the boyfriend is likely to be directed to CMEC (new CSA). In which case, the DM most certainly won't even be asked about her income.