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Step-parenting

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Original poster

ex wife has arranged 'family'day out - should i feel annoyed?

249 replies

tggirl · 22/05/2015 16:20

Bit of background- my partner and I have been together for 4 and a half years, I have 2 children in their late teens he has a son who is turning 6. Son lives with partner's ex wife and her boyfriend and he stays with us every other weekend.

It's his 6th birthday next month and as he is into lego we thought for his birthday treat we'd take him to Legoland the weekend before his birthday which is when he's with us. We've got the tickets several months ago and all is good.

Several weeks ago ex asked my partner if he'd give her a hand with the birthday party for a few hours, she was going to book a local activity centre for about 10 children and as her partner was away that weekend she needed help, this seemed a reasonable request so he agreed and I didn't mind. A few days later she texted to say son didn't want a party he wanted to go to Chessington instead and wanted Daddy to come as well. I wasn't happy with this plan and said so to my partner who said he think about it before replying

Fast forward to the other day when partner informs me he is going to Chessington with ex and son. I explained I wasn't happy and he should have discussed it with me before making the decision, after all he is spending the day with son prior to his birthday and son could have one to one special time with Mum the following week. Partner isn't happy about that as he said son specifically wanted him to spend the day with him and mummy and he didn't want to let him down.

Am I bad for thinking this is unacceptable on several counts or is this what other people do with their exs and children. I would never have considered this when my children were smaller. I am so annoyed with the ex wife as im sure she is playing some sort of game.

Please let me know what you think and if i should go cap in hand and apologise to my partner for being so cross about this.

OP posts:
Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 13:47

The op has been doing a parental role for this little boy whether you want to admit it or not.

I have admitted it, further up the thread in fact but to me that is not the child's fault. That is the fault of the adults yet because of this some of you feel that the child should not have his request granted. That is unfair and wrong whether you want to admit it or not.

Tequilashotfor1 · 24/05/2015 13:48

You havnt upset me because you have a good relasionship with your ex, why would it? Hmm I don't have an ex to be jealous over your relationship with yours. Grin

The language you use to discribed SM that may be upset with this I did have a issue with. It was unfair and smug

Honestly reg I don't give to fucks about your life. Your words on a screen to me. Have a Wine and calm down. Wink

Tequilashotfor1 · 24/05/2015 13:50

Why is it anybody's fault? The op may really love being in his life Hmm

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 13:51

I am perfectly calm. What language have I used to describe the SM that maybe upsetting? Please C & P as I have looked and I have not being derogatory or name called unlike you.

Tequilashotfor1 · 24/05/2015 14:06

Bitter, jealous , spitful, controlling ...

Once again reg you havnt upset me. The issue I had was how you discribed sm that may feel upset by this.Those adjectives are unfounded. Op has not displayed any of those. It's strange that you immidiatly jumped on those.

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 14:11

I didn't use those words to describe the OP so what is your point?

I used those words It is 1 day out of a whole year and the spiteful jealous new partners are the ones with the problem. in the context of some at no point did I relate those words to the OP.

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 14:13

However YOU directly called me smug simply because I posted about how my relationship with my ex works. There was no smugness at all but you decided because I get on with my ex that I must be smug therefor those that don't must be bitter then?

Lioninthesun · 24/05/2015 14:18

I think people are overlooking that the only person with a bee in the bonnet about this is op. Everyone else is happy to spend the day together for a child. Either op doesn't trust one or both adults, is sad she didn't get an invite or is simply being a PITA. the fact she hasn't been back to fill in more details makes me think she knows there isn't anything to worry about and is licking her wounds. If you don't trust your partner I'd worry far more about the millions of people he hasn't had a relationship with than the one person he has that clearly failed.

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 14:32

Not overlooked by me Lion Smile I was just called smug for pointing it out Grin

Arsenic · 24/05/2015 15:28

I. I hate the way that some feel having a second family means fathers can no longer do anything with their first children.

Yes, it's ridiculous and fairly widespread.

this exclusion shows that he doesn't see his father and op as a unit

Really?? A six year old simply wants his parents with him on his birthday and this is about recognition for the SM?? It's not.

These things develop organically over time -and with age - why try to force it on a young boy's birthday treat?

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 24/05/2015 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 17:40

Hang on, the child is always included if the sibling is his and new wifes child as he, ya know lives with them.
More often than not if the step siblings birthday falls on a day when DP doesn't have his first child then the birthday goes ahead without him.
We have seen many many threads like that.
Same as the want to take our children on holiday but cannot afford for SDC to come is that wrong threads we see.

So your point really is pointless. Especially seen as the child is already having a planned celebration with his dad and the OP anyway to legoland so any step siblings will be attending that I suppose.

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 17:47

Oh and there is no family unit to create. It exists because they have a child together and are mum and dad. Same as the family unit of SM, dad,child and step siblings exists. They are not created as such they just are because the adults have made those choices.

IPityThePontipines · 24/05/2015 17:51

There's a difference between excluding a child and not inviting an adult. Generally children and adults are treated differently.

Can you imagine the uproar among some on here if the Mum insisted on coming to the Legoland party the SM had organised?

Yet the SM not being invited to one day out is ungrateful/letting the child dominate everything/damaging the child/dividing the family unit etc, etc.

NorahDentressangle · 24/05/2015 18:35

I doubt the 6 year old can remember his DPs being together. In fact he wouldn't as he was too small.
Strange he wants this arrangement.
Possibly just an off the cuff comment he made. Perhaps his DM didn't fancy going on her own.

Tolateforsorry1 · 24/05/2015 18:54

Wow! I can see why blended families are so hard especially when some mothers are hell bent on creating private relationships within a family unit.

Divide and rule eh?

Lots of double standards here.

Arsenic · 24/05/2015 18:57

I doubt the 6 year old can remember his DPs being together. In fact he wouldn't as he was too small.
Strange he wants this arrangement.

Why is it strange? Why is remembering his parents together pre-split relevant?

He knows who his parents are and has asked for them both to be with him on his birthday. It's the easiest to understand thing in the world.

It doesn't mean step-family doesn't matter, matters less, has been judged invalid by the six year old and it doesn't involve excluding any siblings. Confused

Neither does it mean allsorts of other things can't be arranged for the other 364 days of the year.

Arsenic · 24/05/2015 19:01

some mothers are hell bent on creating private relationships within a family unit.

OP didn't intimate any suspicions of that sort about the mum, just a vague discomfort.

I must admit, I haven't been in this situation in the mum's shoes. But I have been the SM in this scenario and I'm Confused it should be a problem. A holiday I could see an issue with, but a little boy's birthday trip?

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 24/05/2015 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 19:06

Wow! I can see why blended families are so hard especially when some mothers are hell bent on creating private relationships within a family unit.

Blended families become hard when the new family tries to pretend the first family does't exist and is no longer important.

Nobody is creating a private relationship. A relationship already exists because they had a child together. How private do you think it will be a day out with children Hmm The poor DM gets it in the neck again and she hasn't done anything wrong. She is not the one moaning because her ex and the SM are going out on their own with her son to celebrate his birthday and she isn't invited. It is the SM that is moaning and without good reason.

When will SM/SF realise that you cannot no matter how hard you try erase the "old" family. Having new one does not mean the old one does not exist or is second best. It just means more space and a little give and take needs to happen.

Tolateforsorry1 · 24/05/2015 19:07

arsnic I wasnt talking about the mum, I was talking about some of the posters on here...

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 19:10

What would the alternative be? Put it on hold?
Of course not and I never said it should but that child gets BOTH parents at their birthday. Why can't the first child have that? As long as the parents are ok with it why should that child lose out??

Oh I know why because SM rule and what they want matters, what their children want matters.....first child pft they are history. The new family is what is important now Hmm

Arsenic · 24/05/2015 19:11

Although I wouldn't be very understanding if DP and his ex went on holiday with dsd

Yes that's what I meant. If this thread was all about a DP going on holiday with his EXW, I might understand the issue (for some posters ) is a bit more.

Nobody is creating a private relationship. A relationship already exists because they had a child together. How private do you think it will be a day out with children

Yes, this.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 24/05/2015 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tolateforsorry1 · 24/05/2015 19:16

But it is when other people that have had parental roles havnt been invited.

Any doesn't look like op is coming back. I'm
Off for some Wine