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Original poster

ex wife has arranged 'family'day out - should i feel annoyed?

249 replies

tggirl · 22/05/2015 16:20

Bit of background- my partner and I have been together for 4 and a half years, I have 2 children in their late teens he has a son who is turning 6. Son lives with partner's ex wife and her boyfriend and he stays with us every other weekend.

It's his 6th birthday next month and as he is into lego we thought for his birthday treat we'd take him to Legoland the weekend before his birthday which is when he's with us. We've got the tickets several months ago and all is good.

Several weeks ago ex asked my partner if he'd give her a hand with the birthday party for a few hours, she was going to book a local activity centre for about 10 children and as her partner was away that weekend she needed help, this seemed a reasonable request so he agreed and I didn't mind. A few days later she texted to say son didn't want a party he wanted to go to Chessington instead and wanted Daddy to come as well. I wasn't happy with this plan and said so to my partner who said he think about it before replying

Fast forward to the other day when partner informs me he is going to Chessington with ex and son. I explained I wasn't happy and he should have discussed it with me before making the decision, after all he is spending the day with son prior to his birthday and son could have one to one special time with Mum the following week. Partner isn't happy about that as he said son specifically wanted him to spend the day with him and mummy and he didn't want to let him down.

Am I bad for thinking this is unacceptable on several counts or is this what other people do with their exs and children. I would never have considered this when my children were smaller. I am so annoyed with the ex wife as im sure she is playing some sort of game.

Please let me know what you think and if i should go cap in hand and apologise to my partner for being so cross about this.

OP posts:
donemekmelarf · 22/05/2015 17:40

I sympathize with you OP.

I defy any woman NOT to feel a twinge of jealousy at the thought of their husband playing happy families for the whole day with the ex-wife. Hmm, which is effectively what's going to happen if they're spending all day at a theme park.

Yes you know it's good for the child and the child should come first, but there's bound to be a part of you that's thinking - ''the only woman he should be spending the whole day with, doing fun things, is the woman he is married to now'.''

I still say you should offer to go with them.
You are his wife now. It sounds as if he needs a little reminder of that fact.

If he thinks a lot of you, he shouldn't object even though she probably will

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 22/05/2015 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reginafalangie · 22/05/2015 17:44

Because in this case school days aren't the "dad's days".

But OP looking after him is beneficial to dad too as childcare costs are not incurred and by the sounds of it because of the arrangement dad gets to see his son everyday as he drops him off after tea. So both mum and dad should be grateful to the OP.

SurlyCue · 22/05/2015 17:44

Wow that's really kind of you to look after DSS after school. I hope his mum is very grateful for that.

And his dad.

Reginafalangie · 22/05/2015 17:46

She is not his wife. Not that it makes a difference but all the same.

Some exes are not comfortable spending time with the new partner. I don't understand why anyone would want to force that on a child especially on their birthday.

WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 22/05/2015 17:48

actually I wouldn't find this acceptable

they are not a family so cosy "family" days out are a no no, I would be well pissed off and jealous TBH

i get on great with my eldest dc dad (my ds) but been split up years and both re married, NO WAY would i be spending a happy family day out with him and ds. no way

Floralnomad · 22/05/2015 17:49

Yes it's nice that they get along well enough to do this but I'd be a bit put out , the way id see it is would your DP have been invited on this trip if the ex wife's partner had been home that weekend ? I seriously doubt it ,also it's all very well saying that it's nice to have a family day out but they are not a family - the family would be ex/ exes DP plus op and her DP and dc - that would be a nice family day out . What happens in the summer if the 6 yr old decides he wants a 'family' holiday ?

Reginafalangie · 22/05/2015 17:50

Who said it is "cosy" Hmm it is a birthday day out for their son. The child they made together. It is a trip to the zoo I doubt there will be time for cozyness.

Floralnomad · 22/05/2015 17:52

Well if it's just a birthday day out then there should be no reason why the OP cannot go along with them then - which is what I would do .

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 22/05/2015 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

donemekmelarf · 22/05/2015 17:52

They are hardly going to ignore each other the whole day.
So yes, it will be a nice close time for all three of them.

SurlyCue · 22/05/2015 17:54

FFS the child has asked his dad to be there for his birthday treat and suddenly it's a 'cosy family day playing happy families' Hmm they mightnt be a family but he is still the child's father which is the basis on which he was asked to be there.

donemekmelarf · 22/05/2015 17:54

it's all very well saying that it's nice to have a family day out but they are not a family

This is what I would think.
If anything it must be very confusing for the child. To see the parents together one minute, then apart, then together again, must give them false hope that their parents will maybe get back together some day.

WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 22/05/2015 17:56

yeah floral i wonder what the ex's new partner would think of it as well

just weird and un necessary IMO but that's just my take on it, clearly i am in the minority :o

Romeyroo · 22/05/2015 17:57

To be honest, I kind of understand the OP's response, because she is doing a lot of unpaid care here, and she has not been invited. By calling it family time, they are re-constituting a family which no longer exists. At the same time, it is reasonable from a six year old's perspective to want to spend time with his parents together, that is one of the losses of coming from a separated family.

Of course, the OP as to be magnanimous and stand aside, but goodness me, if she is doing all that help and support for the DS, I think it is rude that the parents have not re-thought the plans and made it a bit more open.

I don't know, my XH did spend time with his ex-partner and their DD and I honestly did not mind; but that was because it was not practical for us all to do, and I certainly would not have stopped him going. The year I could go, I went. For his other faults, he was very open about the concept of who constituted 'family'. My own DD has a step mother, it would be quite frankly bizarre to suggest that myself and her dad went on a day out with just her.

donemekmelarf · 22/05/2015 18:03

My own DD has a step mother, it would be quite frankly bizarre to suggest that myself and her dad went on a day out with just her.

the voice of reason.

WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 22/05/2015 18:08

By calling it family time, they are re-constituting a family which no longer exists

This ^^

BathtimeFunkster · 22/05/2015 18:11

I think it's not really on, given the amount of childcare you do as part of this "family", that you are excluded from this trip.

I think it's questionable to allow a 6 year old to demand that his separated parents spend the day together, but it's definitely not cool to allow him to exclude his father's partner and insist on a nuclear family day, where none exists in reality.

Snoozybird · 22/05/2015 19:21

I agree with bathtime and others, the OP plays a big part in this little boy's family life.

I could understand more if the boy was old enough to remember his parents being together but all he's experienced is dad & OP's household and mum and DP's household with at least three of the four adults playing a big part in his life (or all four depending on the mums DP's involvement). So why create a new family unit for him which excludes OP and the mum's DP? I can see the poor boy becoming very upset when he realises that mum and dad won't be getting back together even though they all had a lovely day out with each other.

yellowdaisies · 22/05/2015 19:23

My ex and used to do things like that on birthdays. I can still remember the delight in my DD's voice, aged about 2.5 at her brothers birthday when she saw both me and my ex were going "Mummy AND Daddy!!!" Smile It was a rare treat for her.

Unfortunately his new partner pretty much put a stop to that sort of thing. The DC are used to it, and we manage OK, but it's a little sad for them.

I'm a step mother too now. When my DH had a similar request for a get together with his ex, he asked if I could come too. Wasn't all that easy spending time with his ex, but probably good to have done it.

Snoozybird · 22/05/2015 19:38

I've been to my DSC's birthday buffets at their mum's house, and vice versa depending on whose contact day the birthday fell on. That way the DSCs still got to see their parents socialising together but not in a recreation of the former family unit. Now that the DSCs are older they don't ask as they're settled into the two respective family units and they understand more about the dynamics of adult relationships. I think the OP's scenario may cause more hurt to her DSS in the long run.

AmyElliotDunne · 22/05/2015 19:53

I like Lunar's post...

*Your feelings are completely normal. Insecurity is completely normal even in the most stable relationships. Only on MN are you some kind of jealous nutter if something like this bothers you, in real like it's completely normal.

Ultimately though I think it's about the child and he will enjoy a birthday treat with his parents*

I would also feel uncomfortable about this. DP occasionally spends time with his ex and their DCs for birthdays etc, as do I with my ex and DCs. I get that it's all about the DCs, not us, but that doesn't mean you have to like it. This second-time-around business isn't easy is it?

When possible I am usually invited to join DP and his lot, which helps to alleviate some of the feelings of being left out and worrying about them having lovely 'family time'. If you get on well with DSS I'm sure he'd like you to be there too, but perhaps his mum isn't keen for some reason.

How would you feel about her joining you for your Legoland day? If you'd rather not, then don't try and get yourself invited along to Chessington, as that's how it will feel for her, but don't torture yourself with ideas of them having a wonderful time reminiscing about happy times! A day out at a theme park with my ex doesn't sound like my idea of a perfect day out! However, if my DCs wanted to do it, I'd have to consider it.

WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 22/05/2015 20:12

That way the DSCs still got to see their parents socialising together but not in a recreation of the former family unit

see that, to me, would be the healthiest way of doing it.

Tutt · 22/05/2015 20:23

They aren't a family and this could very well lead to all sorts of problems for the child.
It is creating the 'ideal' family unit that isn't there... how heartbreaking for the child when one parent leaves again!
All of the people berating you OP IMHO aren't thinking of the repercussions or pain 'just one cosy day' could cause.

Petal02 · 22/05/2015 20:26

Tggirl - YANBU.