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Step-parenting

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Original poster

ex wife has arranged 'family'day out - should i feel annoyed?

249 replies

tggirl · 22/05/2015 16:20

Bit of background- my partner and I have been together for 4 and a half years, I have 2 children in their late teens he has a son who is turning 6. Son lives with partner's ex wife and her boyfriend and he stays with us every other weekend.

It's his 6th birthday next month and as he is into lego we thought for his birthday treat we'd take him to Legoland the weekend before his birthday which is when he's with us. We've got the tickets several months ago and all is good.

Several weeks ago ex asked my partner if he'd give her a hand with the birthday party for a few hours, she was going to book a local activity centre for about 10 children and as her partner was away that weekend she needed help, this seemed a reasonable request so he agreed and I didn't mind. A few days later she texted to say son didn't want a party he wanted to go to Chessington instead and wanted Daddy to come as well. I wasn't happy with this plan and said so to my partner who said he think about it before replying

Fast forward to the other day when partner informs me he is going to Chessington with ex and son. I explained I wasn't happy and he should have discussed it with me before making the decision, after all he is spending the day with son prior to his birthday and son could have one to one special time with Mum the following week. Partner isn't happy about that as he said son specifically wanted him to spend the day with him and mummy and he didn't want to let him down.

Am I bad for thinking this is unacceptable on several counts or is this what other people do with their exs and children. I would never have considered this when my children were smaller. I am so annoyed with the ex wife as im sure she is playing some sort of game.

Please let me know what you think and if i should go cap in hand and apologise to my partner for being so cross about this.

OP posts:

IPityThePontipines · 24/05/2015 12:20

I don't understand this. It's one day, that the child has specifically requested. If other children felt excluded, that would be one thing, but the OP as an adult can manage her feelings.

As for people saying the OP should go along so they can't play happy families without her, does this mean the OP and her DP should indulge in lots of PDA at the theme park, just so the 6 year old child doesn't get any ideas?

Tequilashotfor1 · 24/05/2015 12:25

He wouldn't lose out. Why would he? His sm would just be there too to see him enjoy his self.

If the little boy asked his mum to come to Lego land would you expect her to go? What if he turned round and said 'actually I don't want op to go at all now I just want dad and mum to go ' would that be acceptable?

What if there was a grandmother that wanted to go? Would she not be allowed as he just wanted mum and dad. What if he had a half sibling that wanted to go with her brother and dad would they not be allowed either?

Family are a whole group of people who are involved and love each other. I really don't think exclusive smaller relastionships inside that group should be encouraged. That's when upset occurs.

Tequilashotfor1 · 24/05/2015 12:27

ipity - no. They could all just go and enjoy themselves.

Tequilashotfor1 · 24/05/2015 12:33

And tbh I really wouldn't let my small child dictate whether my DP was invited or not. They wouldn't get to choose the dynamics of our family.

KongKing · 24/05/2015 12:35

lunar me and DP have children together, so it's not that simple for DP to go on "family" days out with his DD and his ex. So yes I wouldn't be happy if he did.

Why is it not so simple?

I spend one on one time with each of my dcs, why cant your DP?

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 12:37

All these ifs are pointless. The child has asked that his dad come to the zoo. End of. He hasn't mentioned SM or GM or anyone else.

As somebody said blended families are complicated so surely it is easier if there are clear relationships as I said above.

The OP was more than happy with DH helping out and attending the party without her so why is she not ok with him going to the zoo?

As I said there is no mention of them inviting DM to legoland which is something SM & DF have planned to celebrate the birthday so why should the DM invite the SM? Especially when the DC hasn't asked that she come.

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 12:41

And tbh I really wouldn't let my small child dictate whether my DP was invited or not. They wouldn't get to choose the dynamics of our family

Nice. So children have no say in their family dynamics. It doesn't matter what they want ( within reason) in regards to seeing/spending time with mum and dad?

Children have rights within a family and they have the right to express that. If what they want can be achieved then why not do it? The only person to be upset is the SM and regardless of how much babysitting she does she is NOT mum or dad she is SM and has her own relationship dynamic which by the way nobody is trying to change or interfere with.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 24/05/2015 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tequilashotfor1 · 24/05/2015 12:54

No children don't get to choose who there parents spend time with. They are to young to make that choice. The op is very active in his life as a parent role and this exclusion shows that he doesn't see his father and op as a unit. I wouldn't encourage that. How many other times will she be excluded?

Regarding the party... It wasn't prearranged. So originally his father wasn't invited anyway.

You and your exs partner all go out together so all this is a bit hypocritical really isn't it. You can't expect others to behave in a way you don't yourself....

The other theories (ifs) where a way of trying to open your mind to other circumstances but obviously it's firmly shut against SM which is ironic as you apparantly have such a good relastionship with your ex partner.

IPityThePontipines · 24/05/2015 12:57

"As I said there is no mention of them inviting DM to legoland which is something SM & DF have planned to celebrate the birthday so why should the DM invite the SM? Especially when the DC hasn't asked that she come"

Hmm. Funny with all the claims of family being everyone ever, that this very pertinent point keeps getting overlooked.

The child knows he's having a day out with Dad and SM already, what is so terrible about a day out with Mum and Dad too?

Oh but of course, regardless of what the child wants, Mum and Dad is a dead family dynamic, so must never be resurrected.

As for whoever it was upthread, gleefully saying "it'll probably be a terrible day anyway with pasted on smiles", take heed OP, you do not want to become the sort of person who is that insecure, they actively wish a 6 year old child has a terrible birthday.

KongKing · 24/05/2015 13:07

well he doesn't really get one on one time with each of the boys, so why should he make special treatment for just one child?

Sounds like he should up his game for ALL his children then. However i am aware there are issues in your relationship and all is not rosy so perhaps that (not spending one on one time with dcs) is just a reflection of the wider picture.

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 13:12

Me and my exes partner don't all go out together at all. Where did I say that
I said my ex and I on certain occasions spend the day with our children without our DP's involved. They are ok with that.

In regards to being closed to SM I am not. I am one and have been for 14 years so I have a good understanding of the complex dynamics. My stance on this is that if a SM cannot cope with her DH/DP spending 1 day with his ex for the sake of the child's birthday then there is a problem with the SM.

KongKing · 24/05/2015 13:12

No children don't get to choose who there parents spend time with.

You seem confused. This is about who the child wans to spend his own birthday with. He has wants his parents there. He hasnt said "i want mum, dad, granny, uncle bill, all my cousins but NOT stepmum" he hasnt excluded anyone. He has chosen the only two people who are his parents. That is fair enough. This isnt a party for his dad, or a family event where a child has said step mum isnt welcome. This is his birthday, so yes, he gets a say in who he wants there. He has said he wants mum and dad.

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 13:19

this exclusion shows that he doesn't see his father and op as a unit

Yes he does see them as a unit just not the mum and dad unit....why? Because SM & DF are not mum and dad.

Why must all SM be seen as mum? Why must they be given that position? There is nothing wrong with the child seeing the adult relationships in his life as different from each other. That is actually a healthy way to view it and does not blur the lines. If the SM has been given more of a parental role in the child's life then that is down to the parents not the child.

Tequilashotfor1 · 24/05/2015 13:26

Sorry regina I misread but my point still remains. Children shouldn't be able to pick and choose whether partners come or not. That's something we will have to agree to disagree on.

kong maybe your confused as op has been excluded by not invited.

Children in split families shouldnt be allowed to act on every whim. It's Disney parenting and it has a bigger impact of allowed to continue later on.

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 13:31

Oh and it is not an apparent good relationship with my ex. It IS a good relationship. We failed as a couple hence why we split but as parents we want the same things for our children and we work together as parents to achieve that. Sorry if that upsets you Tequila but I will not apologise for it as it is our children that matter not some bitter poster on MN.

Tequilashotfor1 · 24/05/2015 13:31

regina I never seen my DM as mum. She did more child care for me than my dad did and I lived there. My dad worked nights so it was SM that I spent all my time with.

There is no way on this earth my dad would have let me exclude her on a 'family' outing with my mum. Tbh my dad would have preferred to pull his own teeth out than spending a day with my mum on his own and they were civil to each other.

Family units change and it does more harm than good having little private relastionships that no one else is allowed to be apart of

Tequilashotfor1 · 24/05/2015 13:33

It doesn't upset me. Not in the slightest

Who is bitter? Op? She doesn't seem bitter. I'm not bitter. Why would I be?

You seem really hung up on it though...

KongKing · 24/05/2015 13:34

kong maybe your confused as op has been excluded by not invited.

If she has been excluded then so has every single other member of the family. Aunts uncles cousins grandparents etc. are you saying the child should have been made to invite all those people? He wants to spend his birthday with his parents. Just his parents. It is bordering on ridiculous that any adult who isnt the child's parent would strop about not being "invited". There shouldnt be an expectation of her being there as she doesnt fall into that category of parent. Totally different if all the family was going and she wasnt, then she has a right to feel excluded. But as it is there are only two people who are the child's parents and niether of them have been excluded.

KongKing · 24/05/2015 13:39

Children in split families shouldnt be allowed to act on every whim.

It isnt every whim. Its a 6 year old wanting to see his dad on his birthday. Its really sad that people are so mean hearted to not see that for what it is. No wonder there are so many fucked up kids. All these adults in their lives projecting their adult insecurities onto innocent children's requests. Some of you seriously need to take a step back and realise it isnt all about you. Not everyone is out to get you or separate you from your partner, there isnt always an agenda, certainly not from a 6 year old on his birthday.

Tequilashotfor1 · 24/05/2015 13:40

The op has been doing a parental role for this little boy whether you want to admit it or not.

JakieOH · 24/05/2015 13:43

Did the child specifically say he didn't want his SM there? I've tried to think how I'd feel in this ituation but tbh it would never happen so can't really comment. If things are amicable between everyone then I'm not sure I would be too bothered, I'd book a manicure and massage and let them have their day at the zoo?? I do think Them having a day out together is very different from them having a party. (someone above asked what the difference is) a day out is them spending time together, just them. A party is a lot of people together, it's very different.

On the other hand if the relationship between all the adults isn't amicable then I would question why either of them would want this. Surely the child would notice there was tension even if they tried to hide it so it wouldn't be in the child's best interest?

Reginafalangie · 24/05/2015 13:44

Tequila it appears to bother you a lot that I have a good relationship with my ex.

Your post is really smug

your smugness is really closed minded and offensive to sp

but obviously it's firmly shut against SM which is ironic as you apparantly have such a good relastionship with your ex partner.

I haven't been smug I have just expressed a different side to the normal everyone hates everyone else view. We read so much on here where exes are a nightmare and the DF's are all disney dads and nobody can be a grown up. I have a different relationship with my ex, his ex ( DSS's mum) his DP and my DP but I am not allowed to speak about it because......well it goes against what you think is the norm

Tolateforsorry1 · 24/05/2015 13:44

I agree with flora and tequila

Blended families need to work hard at being 'blended'.

KongKing · 24/05/2015 13:46

The op has been doing a parental role for this little boy whether you want to admit it or not.

No arguing with that, she is doing a lot of childcare in lieu of his parents. Which parent are you suggesting she is? Mum or dad?

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