ex wife has arranged 'family'day out - should i feel annoyed?

[tggirl]

Bit of background- my partner and I have been together for 4 and a half years, I have 2 children in their late teens he has a son who is turning 6. Son lives with partner's ex wife and her boyfriend and he stays with us every other weekend.

It's his 6th birthday next month and as he is into lego we thought for his birthday treat we'd take him to Legoland the weekend before his birthday which is when he's with us. We've got the tickets several months ago and all is good.

Several weeks ago ex asked my partner if he'd give her a hand with the birthday party for a few hours, she was going to book a local activity centre for about 10 children and as her partner was away that weekend she needed help, this seemed a reasonable request so he agreed and I didn't mind. A few days later she texted to say son didn't want a party he wanted to go to Chessington instead and wanted Daddy to come as well. I wasn't happy with this plan and said so to my partner who said he think about it before replying

Fast forward to the other day when partner informs me he is going to Chessington with ex and son. I explained I wasn't happy and he should have discussed it with me before making the decision, after all he is spending the day with son prior to his birthday and son could have one to one special time with Mum the following week. Partner isn't happy about that as he said son specifically wanted him to spend the day with him and mummy and he didn't want to let him down.

Am I bad for thinking this is unacceptable on several counts or is this what other people do with their exs and children. I would never have considered this when my children were smaller. I am so annoyed with the ex wife as im sure she is playing some sort of game.

Please let me know what you think and if i should go cap in hand and apologise to my partner for being so cross about this.

Hi OP.

I think you are perfectly reasonable to feel annoyed but I don't think there is anything you can or should do to stop that annoyance. What you are seeing is a sign of the emotional difficulty that will always be inherent in your situation. If the boy is only six, I would consider leaving the relationship. It's no barrel of laughs being the partner of someone with a previous child. Don't ruin the birthday party, but take seriously the fact that many of your dreams and plans will be ruined in the future, and your emotional expectations and standards, and think about whether you can face that.

Sorry to be bleak.

I'm not reading nine pages either.

You will have no doubt got a wide range of responses, all based on each poster's own experience so take it with a pinch of salt. My husband's ex wife has made our lives hell and has always, always played games. My step daughter never adjusted to life after the divorce as a result of what I believe is called "emotional incest" - ie. Mum overshared every tiny emotion with her very young child throughout the divorce and as a result DSD is very damaged. (This has actually been confirmed in a cahm assessment)

If this kind of day had been suggested when DSD was small it would have been awful as she always thought mum and dad might get back together. They did actually spend the first couple of birthdays and Christmases together and the aftermath was horrendous as when life quickly went back to mum and dad having different partners she was visibly traumatised (hysterical wailing, trying to throw herself from the car, throwing things).

So trust your gut and look at your own situation. A lot of people like to think that despite the shades of grey all through life, when it comes to step parenting it's black and white and every scenario comes down to "do what the child wants". It doesn't.

But I guess your problem is more to do with the fact that you and your husband don't actually agree. He may never agree.. Can you live with that?

If everyone gets along and had the child's best interests at heart and the child is well adjusted to the divorce, I can see that in some scenarios this birthday trip may be "normal" but to be honest, my daughter's dad and I get on but she accepts that she has two families and wouldn't think it were normal to exclude her step mum or step dad from these kinds of things. Even at 6.

Yes I also meant to put in my previous post that I'm not convinced how healthy these contrived 'family days' are.

The child in the situation really shouldn't get to call the shots.

Sure it might be nice to have mum and dad together all to himself for his birthday, but it's an erosion of the boundaries that ought to be in place when parents have separated and there are now two families.

I'm sure lots of people will pile in to say 'me and my ex get on great and take our DC to theme parks as a family all the time.' But I really think that is an exception not the rule.

I'm all for estranged parents putting on a friendly front for the sake of the kids, but I think it's far better if new partners are also included. So everyone knows where they stand - child especially - and no one's given 'false hope'.

In our set up, DP and his ex have got together for DSC's birthday in the past but DP won't do it without me there because it's just giving a weird, false representation of reality otherwise. Like, trying to pretend I don't exist for the sake of propping up the SDC's fantasy for that day.

It's not right IMO.

"Erosion of boundaries" yes, that's what it is.
Confusing, pandering, and actually a bit eery to be honest.

But, if mum is thinking it's normal, and dad thinks it's normal, i worry that OP will be constantly having to come up against these battles.

My DH realised after the few awful incidents of following the judgement of a small child that it was a bad decision. But he did realise that in his own. I think had I needed to overrule it myself we would be in a weird power struggle and it wouldn't have ended all that well

Regarding children from split parents 'having hope', DSS is 14 and we've had some behavioural issues with him recently - normal teen stuff really but add in a split family and it's harder. Plus he's an only child so has no one to share the stresses with.

His DM and DF have been split up nearly eight years. I wasn't the other woman nor even the next gf, but we have been together five and a half years now and he's known me more or less five of those. We bought a house together two years ago.
His mum has had several partners but also bought a house with current partner about two years ago, having been with him about a year at that stage
Yet, when I had a heart to heart with him a couple of weeks ago when we were discussing his behaviour, he sort of indicated he still hoped mum and dad would get back together.

btw, when the six year old in the op said "can daddy come" (to his birthday day out) I doubt there was actually a sub text of "but not stepmum", if a sensible adult has said " sure, and step mum too" I doubt he'd have objected.

I wondered how quick mum had been to jump on it being a good idea, Melon.

I truly believe that mothers hold such an incredible power to persuade children of what it okay and normal. If from a young age "oh what a lovely idea and step mum can come too, let's write out special invitations now" is heard rather than "great idea daddy will definitely want to come and we will have a special day just us three" it paves the way for a lifetime of that child feeling happy and confident to share their love out in a healthy balance between its parents and step parents and be "okay" with their new situation.

If you don't want to have the part time parent only when it suits them role then don't take it on.

I think it's more complicated than that, though, because it's the parents rather than the DC, who set the expectations and boundaries of the stepparent.

In the OPs case it seems that mum and dad are (more or less) on the same page; they have similar expectations of the OP when it comes to day to day care of their DS. They are also in agreement when it comes to the boundaries of her relationship with their DS - and that includes not sharing his birthday with him.

It isn't the DC who has set those expectations and boundaries out - it's the parents. The OPs daily responsibility for her DSS isn't driven by the DCs desire for her to care for him - it is the parents who have decided that is appropriate.

And it is they who have decided not suggest to their DC, or even insist, that she is included in his birthday celebrations.

The relationship a stepparent has with their DSC is entirely defined by the DCs parents - the problem seems to be that until a stepparent is actually in the role, even the parents don't know what they expect that relationship to look like.

If you don't want to have the part time parent only when it suits them role then don't take it on.

I think it's more complicated than that, though, because it's the parents rather than the DC, who set the expectations and boundaries of the stepparent.

The relationship a stepparent has with their DSC is entirely defined by the DCs parents

I think you are doing many step parents a disservice! You make it sound like they have no mind of their own. The parents of the child can decide whatever they like with regards to the step-parent/step child relationship. However it is worth sweet FA if the step-parent doesnt agree. People have minds of their own and are entirely responsible for making their own decisions about what roles they take on within their family.

People have minds of their own and are entirely responsible for making their own decisions about what roles they take on within their family.

Disagreeing with your spouse about the boundaries between yourself and their child is likely to put significant pressure on the marriage, though, isn't it?
Similarly, if a parent has expectations of their spouse regarding the role they play in the DC's life, isn't it likely that they will look elsewhere if those expectations aren't met?

Disagreeing with your spouse about the boundaries between yourself and their child is likely to put significant pressure on the marriage, though, isn't it?

Disagreeing over anything is likely to put pressure on a marriage, are you suggesting step parents should bow to spousal pressure to take on a role the would rather not do to save an argument? That is not at all a healthy way to live. Marriage should not be about one person getting their way to avoid conflict.

if a parent has expectations of their spouse regarding the role they play in the DC's life, isn't it likely that they will look elsewhere if those expectations aren't met?

expectations should be thrashed out before you become a permanent unit. The one who has the child already knows they have a child, they should be fair to their prospective spouse and state up front what they expect of them. Discussions can then be had about whether that is what they are happy to take on. It does kind of sound like you are saying you think step-parents should just do what theyre told or they'll be dumped for someone who will. If the partner or relationship is that disposable the. Its not really a relationship anyone should aim to be in.

surly my point is, isn't not just about the couple. The DCs other parent also has expectations and boundaries - and if the stepparent decides he or she is not willing to comply, then what?

What if, in the OPs case, she either refused to care for her DSS while his parents worked, or indeed, her DH supported her wish to be involved in her DSS birthday, and they turned up together, against the wishes of the DCs mum?

The strong likelihood is that it would be the DCs relationship with his dad which would be affected most.

A stepparent has to take the impact of their own choices on the parent-child relationship into consideration when they decide whether to "go along" with the parents expectations or not. Often, it means that step parents make value compromises that they could not have foreseen when the relationship began.

It does kind of sound like you are saying you think step-parents should just do what theyre told or they'll be dumped for someone who will

Are you kidding? That's essentially what step mums on here are told all the time!

If you ever dare to raise your hand and say 'actually I'm not okay/comfortable with aspects of this', everyone piles on with 'OMG you're so selfish, you knew what you were getting into, why start a relationship with a man who has DCs if you're not prepared to completely suspend your own needs and wants and put up with a ludicrous situation FOR THE SAKE OF THE DCs!!!'

If a step parent ever tries to negotiate terms that work a bit better for them, they're told they're selfish for not 'putting the children first'.

And yes, the unique thing about step parenting is that it's not just about what goes on between you and your partner. The other parent in the equation can inflict all sorts of insidious shit on your lives and there's little you can do because if you speak up, there's always that fear that the PC will inhibit contact with the NRP.

It's that fear which is the driver for behaviour of all the adults in a step situation. The step parent is terrified of being the reason why the DC doesn't see its parent and will suffe in silence to avoid risking that happening.

and if the stepparent decides he or she is not willing to comply, then what?

What if, in the OPs case, she either refused to care for her DSS while his parents worked,

they do what parents up and down the country do every day- they arrange other childcare! What would they do if step-parent didnt exist??

her DH supported her wish to be involved in her DSS birthday, and they turned up together, against the wishes of the DCs mum?

well for starters we dont know that it is against the mother's wishes. (Projecting?) secondly, if step-parent chose to go that is a choice they make, just as it would be a choice if they didnt go. Both options will have consequences. Like every choice in life.

Often, it means that step parents make value compromises that they could not have foreseen when the relationship began.

i totally agree, this wasnt in dispute, i was disagreeing with the comments that the step parent/step child relationship is entirely defined by the DC parents. It isnt. The step-parent has a choice. No-one said the choices are always between "everyone wins versus misery all round" choices are never that simple and there will always be consequences. Just because there are consequences doesnt mean you dont have a choice.

Are you kidding? That's essentially what step mums on here are told all the time!

really? Step parents on MN are told to comply with their partner or they'll be dumped for someone else who will? I havent seen this. I have seen advice to disengage, to tell DP's to step up and stop disneying, to stop taking on all the grunt work of parenting while the DP does nothing but the fun bits, to tell DP to stand up to the EX.

Sunglasses - slightly histrionic.

I do have a major problem with my DCs step mum but reading this board has taught me one major thing - alot of the disagreement is actually with the father ( invariably ) of the child and about communication.

Expecting too much child care
not setting boundaries with their DCs
being disney
not standing up to the EX ( the true situation on this who knows etc)

I have learnt a lot from this board and yes there are some very selfish SMs, BMs, Ex wives, fathers SFs out there - but most of it comes down to communication between all aspects and then as a general rule the child is blamed.

I need to work 8 weekends per annum, I can you tell you the dates for the next 3 yrs and my EX has those dates. Not sure I could make it any clearer. I will change those dates if possible but need 6 weeks notice to do that.

To him and his new DP - they are doing me a favour - by having the DCS on those days, but sometimes they are not convenient. Which they tell me about on the Friday of that weekend - yeah wonderful. The vitriol posted apparently on someones Facebook at my DCS, about the 8 weekends per annum situation and my unreasonable expectation and selfishness are now legendary. ( I do not use Facebook - this does come second hand)

In my view, I am not expecting much ( last year they managed 4 weekends!), I think my communication is clear, forward planned and reasonable - the other side do not think any of that.

Both sides have different views of what is reasonable - they just differ, as in this case.

two opposing views - who is right? I know who I think is!!!!!!!!!!

I agree with that quesera i know for a fact from experience that my EXp doesnt tell his partner the truth about certain things. I have had conversations with her in his absence where it has transpired she was completely unaware that arrangements had been made or changed. I can only guess at the reasons why, only he knows.

Yah, I've had this too. My ex just says yes to everything I ask on the spot despite me always suggesting he asks his wife first. I'm sure the story she gets is that I've made demands at the last minute!

The step-parent has a choice. No-one said the choices are always between "everyone wins versus misery all round" choices are never that simple and there will always be consequences. Just because there are consequences doesnt mean you dont have a choice.

I agree.

It's inevitable that stepparents will want to talk through the potential impact of the choices they face with people who can relate to situations like their own.

It must be an incredibly lonely place, when the decision a stepparent believes is right has significant consequences on others, but by avoiding those consequences, the stepparent has to compromise their own values.

From the tone of many of the replies on the Step-board, I often wonder if everyone realises that these are the choices a stepmum faces? A lot of the replies often read as if there is no choice to be made, and that by becoming emotionally involved with the parent, the stepmum should always compromise their own values and defer to the parenting choices of the parents, no matter how strongly she disagrees.

Exactly what ITK said.
It doesn't have to be about jealousy, its about moving on and not giving unnecessary deference to the nuclear, biological family, which may have been a dreadfully unhappy set up. Just because it's the child with mum and dad doesn't mean it's a lovely, Disney situation. It could be toxic and stressful.

When I was a child I'd rather have stayed at home and done nothing than go out with my mum and dad together. I had a lovely childhood, the bad times were when my mum and dad were together.
It could be confusing and horrible for the child. I know lots of separated, divorced etc. families, including my own, who never, ever do this kind of thing.

I would have invited you too ! It's fine to feel a bit odd particularly if this is unusual but posting on here allows you to think it through constructively .

Of course your dp is going to want to go but it might be worth exploring why you reacted the way you did and then talk that through x

I would feel exactly the same, it's so hard to feel you belong when you are the step-mom.
It would have been nice if you were invited too, as you are also his family, however others often don't think.
I'd let him go, let your DSS enjoy his birthday, I'm sure he will enjoy his birthday with you also.

It's good for dss sake they get along so well..
But why aren't they still a family then?!
I wouldn't except this. And from what you've outlined it sounds like ex is using their son as an excuse..
How would your DP feel if you decided to spend a day with your ex and your teenage kids?

I didn't realise how late in the thread I commented. It's probably old news now.
Anyway I don't think you were wrong for feeling the way you did. Despite alot of the holier than thou input from others!
Sounds like you do alot for this dc when his parents are both at work. So you shouldn't be treated like a glorified free babysitter!
6 year olds don't always get everything they want. That's life. You're part of the family when it suits them. So you should be for the fun part too!